Clown Panties

  • Season 1, Ep 8
  • 06/18/2013

A terminally ill child gets roasted, and Amy catches her boyfriend cheating.

Hey!

You're home early.

They let us out of work'cause there was a shooting.

Why are youall sweaty?

I was just--I was working out.

Yeah, is there somethingyou wanna tell me?

You're beautiful.

Anything else,anything...

on your mind?

Nope, no, why?

Because what are these,Kevin?

( bells jingling )

I don't know,what are those?

They looklike clown panties.

Why are thereclown panties

crumpled up inour hallway?

Are those not yours?

No, they're not mind.

Do they look likethe hypoallergenic brand

my doctor recommended?

No!

They look like theybelong to a clown.

A slut, whore clown!( bells jingling )

Okay, you know, I--I think I know what that is.

I did our laundry atthat new Laundromat

up the street,Big Top Laundry.

A lot of local clownsgo there, so...

Hey, I'm gladI worked this out, huh?No.

Uh, who's Sparkles?

Hmm?Sparkles?

I went through yourphone last night.

Here,let's take a look.

"You up?"

"I need you."

"Honk-honk."

That's the typeof shit

you text to a clown!Oh!

You are fucking!

Oh, my God, I was justtexting a friend from work!

I can't believe youtook my phone!

You work with someoneat Deloitte & Touche

named Sparkles?

Yes, Sparkles Biederman!

He's been therefor years.

He's Dutch.

"Your ass is tighterthan a balloon giraffe."

You text that to a manyou work with

at a financialconsulting firm?

It's industry jargon.

It's not in yourwheelhouse.

You know what,this is stupid.

Let's just look atthe security footage

from last night.

How about that?Oh, my God!

You are beingso crazy right now!

( laughing )

What the fuckis that, Kevin?

( bells jingling )

( laughing )

Okay.

You got me.

It was supposedto be

a surprise forour anniversary.

Our anniversary?

It's tomorrow.

You forgot,didn't you?

Oh, my God.

I totally forgot.

I'm such a stupiddumb bitch.

I know how you likeballoon animals

so I paidthese clowns to...

fill your closet upwith them.

( sighing )

Surprise.

I'm so sorry.

Why do youput up with me?

Because you're hot.

( whispering )Thank God.

I'm so sorry.

I just-- I getso scared of losing you.

I know, I know,I know, I know.( bells jingling )

I know, I know.

Oh, no, it's an honor.

I can't believeI'm someone's Make-A-Wish.

His name's Jason.

He's nine, he's gonna die,like, yesterday.

Oh, my God.

You'll be fine.

( monitor beeping )

Hi, hi!Hi, hi.Hello.

Welcome.

He's, uh,right over there.Okay.

Hey, Jason, I'm Amy.

Um, I broughtthis for you.

Oh...

Your headshot.

Okay.

Uh... I just want youto know that you're--

you're really special

and, um...

and everything'sgonna be fine.

( monitor beeping )

Well, I'm realizingthat I bit off

a little bit morethan I could chew.

It was an honormeeting you.

Oh, whoa, where-- wheredo you think you're going?

I was gonna goget my car.

Don't you knowwhy you're here?

I thought I wasjust supposed

to comeand meet-- meet Jason.

Did I do somethingwrong?

Roast me.

Roast you?

It was our son'slast wish

to be roasted bya professional comedian.

Okay.

Yeah, I don't feelcomfortable

making fun of your son.

You think I givea bitch queef

what you arecomfortable with?!

Okay.

Okay, okay.

Okay.

Um...

Nice bed--

Why don't you get some moretubes in your nose, weirdo?

( nervously chuckling )Is that even a joke?

Okay, uh...

Where's the restof your hair?

Is it, uh,at the hair parade...Oh, God.

.. where there'sno hair?

Enough withthe softballs, please.

Okay.

This is really hard.

Hey-hey, hey,little man.Hi.

How ya feelin'?

Terrible.

Well, at least you feelthe way you look.

( laughing )

Am I right,am I right?

Nah, I'm just jokin',I'm just jokin'.

You're dark and handsome.

If it's dark...you're handsome.

( laughing )

Okay, I gotta go,I gotta go.( whispering )That's good.

( laughing )

LOL.

( man )Oh, he's good.Amy, take notes.

Those-- those werehack one-liners

from the Internet.

What?The Internet.

You know, the thing youwon't be on in three weeks.

Wow, Amy.Hey.

That's not the directionwe're going in?

No.Listen...

He's ready for a laugh

but, y'know, could youplease make sure it's funny?

Yeah, put some kind oftwist on it.

Has he been therethe whole time?

( woman )Knock, knock.

( Jason )Lisa Lampanelli!

My first choice.

It would either be meor the Grim Reaper.

( laughing )

That's good.

We heard that you bookeda Toyota commercial.

You weren'tavailable, I...

Well, that explainswhy Amy Schumer's here.

The girl's a miracle workerwith her comedy.

If she's funny,it's a miracle.

( all laughing )

( man )That's terrific.

Beat it!

( man )Yeah, beat it.

Hey, wait a minute.

Who's dying herefirst?

This guy...or this guy?

( all laughing )

( woman )Excuse me.

Are you Amy Schumer?

Yeah.You have HPV.

We've been trying toreach you for seven years.

( Amy )Thank you forcoming over.

I've neverseen him this depressed.

You know, I think ithits men especially hard

when they're unemployed.

Yeah, but evenworse than that

is the new therapythat he's on.

Hey, Mark.

Oh, hey, Colleen.

You need help, you want meto get you something?

No, I don't need help,I'm not five.

Where's mylucky glass?

It's next tothe books.

I'm at the books.

I see it rightin front of you.

Oh, I got it,it was at the books.

Why is he skipping?

That's the therapy.

The doctor told himto skip

as a way totrick himself

into feeling happier.

Yeah, you know, I thinkI saw something about this

on that show"The Doctors."

I only saw a little bit

because the show'sunwatchable.

Hey, babe, I'm sorry I, like,was curt with you,

but I'm feelinga little better.

I think this is startingto work.

I'm starting to,like, feel it.

Great,that's great, babe.

Hey, I'm gonna go upstairs

and watch some ofmy karate movies.Okay.

Bye, Colleen.

Ho-ho, he got it.

Whoo!Close.

That guy'sgot my number today, huh?Yeah.

Why don'tyou try running?

Here.

He's fastlike a cheetah.Babe, babe!

I'll get that later.

♪♪

No, no, no, no, no, no, no,no, no, no, no, let me...Yes.

Nothing'stoo good for my princess.

Now you eat up.

( whispering )Stop skipping.

Babe, I feel, like,lately

things have beena little off with us.

Mainly you.

Mainly me.

So I, um, talkedto my psychiatrist

and he wrote you thisprescription.

Don't be mad.

The Electric Slide?

♪ You can do it ♪

Look, are you gonna stopskipping anytime soon?

I don't know.

Are you ever gonna tryThe Electric Slide?

No.

Why can't you behappy for me?

Look, I don't thinkI can do this any more.

Oh, my God!I got it,I'll get it

No, Mark,it's too dangerous!

( video game sounds beeping )

( girls singing quietly )

( girl )Whoo!

( girl )Oh, yeah!

Come on, man!Whoo!

You the man!

Thank you.

Bye.

( grunting )

( groaning )

Oh, my gosh.

Oh, my God.Oh, my God.

I love you.I love you, I love you.

I'm so sorry.No, I love you,I'm sorry.

I've been sucha jerk-- I love you.

I'm gonna throw out allmy Aerosmith T-shirts and--

No, I've never liked thoseshirts but I support you.

You never have to talkto my mother again.

I already found a way tokind of stop talking to her.

I love you so much.I love you too.

Baby--I'm sorry tointerrupt, folks.

That was the bravestgoddamn thing

I have ever seenin my goddamn life.

Goddamn.

Call me?

We could use a guylike you on the force.

Screw it.

You got the job.( gasping )

Oh, my gosh!

This is the best dayof my life.

Our life.

Hey, you learnedThe Electric Slide.

Uh, wait, it's gonnatake me a second.

Okay.You can just...

Come back?Yeah, let's head it back.

Ooh.

Maybe we shouldjust take a cab.Yeah, do you mindif we take a cab?

Yeah.I'm just so tired.

I'm into thisbut I'm just tired.No, no, no,it's a good idea.

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