Dirty Talk

  • Season 2, Ep 3
  • 10/09/2015

Steve struggles to control his urges around the office, a children's cereal mascot runs into some rotten kids, and Jeff tries to prevent a horrific future.

[people screaming]

[alarm wailing]

It ends here, King Lhoga!

Aah!

[roars]

[glass shattering]

King Lhoga's Hyper-Flameis too strong!

There's only one wayI can defeat him.

Battleman X!

Red Diamond Scorpion Tail:activate!

Now you'll see what true power--

- Hey, whoa, whoa.- What?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

- Is that your dick?- What?

What the hell elsewould I be talk--

I'm saying is that,right there, between your legs.

- Is that your dick?- No.

It's my Red DiamondScorpion Tail!

Uh, I don't know, man.

- It looks a lot like a dick.- What?

It's not really cool to whip outyour dick while were fighting,

or whatever.

It's not a dick.Watch this.

[grunting]

[explosion][people screaming]

- See?- Oh, okay.

If anything, I'm more convincedit's a dick now.

No. It's an energy weapon.

[grunting]

Excuse me.[whistles]

Whoa, you are reallyconsumed with that dick.

Sorry, there's a shortrefractory period

between blasts.

Please don't say refractory.

Quit stalling and meetyour fate, King Lhoga!

Red Diamond Scorpion Tail:enter Mega Mode 9!

Wow, that is the most dick-likething I've ever seen,

and I've fought Dickulon.

Look, I thinkI'm just gonna go, okay?

The city is safe once again.

King Lhoga has been defeatedby Battleman X.

Okay, all right,I'm sorry, excuse me.

For the record,uh, I wasn't defeated.

I'm leavingbecause it got weird.

♪ Three alienscame from the sky ♪

♪ The galactic counselsent them ♪

♪ And here's the reason why

♪ Their mission is to studyEarth's most average guy ♪

♪ To see if humans areworth saving ♪

♪ Or if everyone has to die

Wait, what?

[crying]

Everything okay, buddy?

Last year for my birthday,I was still with Linda.

We ate banana splitsand made love until dawn.

Today, nobody even rememberedit was my birthday.

Uh...we remembered.

You did?

Of course we did.

- We even got you a present.- We did?

Uh-huh.We got you...

this thing.

Guys, it's okay ifyou forgot my birthday,

but there's no needto be dicks about it.

It'll let you seeinto the future.

Oh, oh, my God!What's happening?

What's happening here?

Nice.

Now just tell mewhat you want to see,

and I'll punch it in.

That's easy,

I wanna know if I ever getback together with Linda.

All righty, 2045--

Maybe there'll besomething to look forward to.

[screams]

Oh, no!Oh, no!

Here you go.

Linda.[laughs softly]

Stay strong.

What's up, babe?

Oh, great.She ends up with that guy?

Okay, well,maybe it's not that serious.

[gasps]It's our son.

God damn it!

[gong rings out]

You know perfectly well

the penalty forfeeding these worms.

No, no, no, please.

Nothing is above my law,you see?

Not even Mommy and Daddy.

Kill them.

[heavy gunfire]

Nothing will stopthe march of progress!

Whoa!

Oh, my God.

I have to stop them.

[laughter]

I can't wait to get you home...

Hey!You're the bad man

who touched my private places.

- What?- Babe, I swear to God

I have no ideawho this girl is.

Yes you do.

Who are you?Who are you?

Oh, shoot,I forgot the next line.

Sorry, Uncle Jeff.

Uncle Jeff?

- No!- I knew it.

Linda. Yeah, I'm just...just her acting coach.

She just got the leadin the school play...

- Mm, mm-hmm.- And I'm helping her

get into the character.

She's playing a--a molested child, so...

This has got to bethe most pathetic thing--

You don't understand.

You and Chet cannotbe together, all right?

It is not good for the future--

- Ugh, not this again.- Jesus.

It's been eight months.

Get over her, bro.

Come on, Chet.

[bleep] loser!

[sighs]

Can we stillget ice cream?

No.

Okay, time for the long game.

I'm gonna subscribe himto this bicycle magazine.

Then switch his seat withone that's been proven

to lower sperm count.

Within a year, I can--

There's no time for that.

The seed of the monsteris in his balls right now.

Rawr. [laughs]Rawr.

[gasps]

[trash rattling]

Whoa, what was that?

What?

I think it wasjust a cat, babe.

[muffled protests]

Ugh...huh?

Come on, come on, finish.

Look, I don't know who you are,but no one's made me blow

with a hand job sincethe sixth grade.

[laughs]So...

Well, you've never gottena hand job from me.

I've been practicingmultiple times a day

for more than 15 years

[dramatic music]

[moaning]

- Ungh.- [sighs]

Okay.

Worst birthday ever.