Monday, November 16, 2015

  • 11/16/2015

Arden Myrin, Kevin Allison and Doug Benson list #PrisonBooks, challenge traffic tickets as Google's self-driving car and guess the sexual fetishes of A-list celebrities.

>> Chris: RIPPED FROM TODAY'SINTERNET HEADLINES, IT'S RAPID

REFRESH.

THE G20 SUMMIT IN TURKEY WRAPPEDUP YESTERDAY, WHERE WORLD

LEADERS CAME TOGETHER TO ADDRESSGLOBAL ISSUES LIKE TERRORISM,

CLIMATE CHANGE, AND IF HARRYSTYLES REALLY IS THE CUTEST BOY.

NO, NO?

>> ZACH.

Chris: OKAY.

PERHAPS THE MOST IMPORTANTMEETING WAS AN IMPROMPTU CHAT

BETWEEN BARACK OBAMA ANDVLADIMIR PUTIN

LOOKS LIKE PUTIN'S ABOUT TO SAY:"YOU SINK MY BATTLESHIP!

LITERALLY."

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: ONE SUNKEN BATTLE

SHIPS.

TWO, TWO SUNKEN BATTLE SHIPS.

THROW, THROW SUNKEN BATTLESHIPS.

[ APPLAUSE ]THIS PIC ALSO PROVES THAT EVEN

WORLD LEADERS CAN'T FINDCOMFORTABLE HOTEL LOBBY CHAIRS.

BUT WHO GOT THIS ILLICITSNAPSHOT?

HOW DID THEY GET IT?

THE INTERNET THINKS THEY FOUNDHIM.

SEE IF YOU CAN GUESS WHICHTOTALLY NONCHALANT GUY REDDIT

THINKS IT IS.

INTERESTING.

ONE OF MY, OKAY.

OH ...

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: YA.

MR. BEAN IS BACK, BABY.

MR. BEAN 2015.

THERE HE IS.

OTHER PEOPLE ONLINE WERE SAYINGTHAT FRUMPLE-07 HERE WAS

ACTUALLY TRYING TO BLOCK CAMERASFROM GETTING FOOTAGE OF THE

MEETINGS, BUT EITHER WAY, THISGUY IS CLEARLY A SUPER SPY.

SO COMEDIANS, PLEASE GIVE ME HISAGENT NAME.

ARDEN.

>> I'M 007 FEET AWAY FROM YOU ONGRINDER MR. PUTIN.

>> Chris: POINTS.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: I LIKE LONG WALKS OVER

BONES AND BEARS.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: BY BEARS I MEAN BIG

GAY MEN.

AND ALSO BEARS, ACTUAL BEARS.

I LIKE TO WATCH BEARS [BEEP]BEARS, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: KEVIN, YOU POINTED TO

YOURSELF.

ARE YOU A BEAR?

>> YES.

Chris: ALRIGHT.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> HE'S A GINGER BEAR.

Chris: GINGER BEAR.

>> BRINGING IT.

Chris: MAYBE I'LL GIVE YOU APICNIC BASKET.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: WELL, GUYS.

VERY SAD DAY FOR MUSIC.

I DON'T WANT YOU TO GET TOOEMOTIONAL ABOUT THIS.

MICROSOFT IS KILLING OFF THEZOOM THIS WEEK.

I DIDN'T WANT TO BE THE ONE TOBREAK THE NEWS.

I'M JUST THE MESSENGER.

THAT SLEEK DISH WATER DEVICETHAT REVOLUTIONIZED MEDIA.

IT HAD A FUNCTION TO DO WHATTHEY CALLED SQUIRT SONGS.

AS IF IT WASN'T EMBARRASSINGENOUGH OWNING A ZUNE.

YOU HAD TO SHARE SONGS BYSQUIRTING TO NEARBY ZUNERS.

THE GREATEST STRENGTH WAS IT'SGREATEST WEAKNESS.

LOOK AT THIS HEADLINE.

"ZUNE SHOULD GO BEYONDSQUIRTING."

LET ME TELL YOU THE REASON ITDIDN'T WORK.

WOULD YOU HAVE BETTER LUCKFINDING AN ACTUAL SQUIRTER THAN

A ZUNE USER.

COMEDIANS, NOW THIS IS THAT IT'SDEAD FOR GOOD SQUIRT OUT A ONE

LINE OBITUARY FOR THE ZUNE

>> THANK YOU, ZOOM, FOR HELPINGME SQUIRT ALL OVER MY FRIENDS.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: IF YOU WERE A SQUIRTER

YOU WOULD HAVE TO GO -->> IT WOULD BE LIKE HOLLYWOOD

AND HIGHLAND DRAWING THETOURISTS.

>> Chris: DO IT IN A SPIDER MANSUIT.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: BY THE WAY.

WE JUST NAMED YOUR NEXT BOOK"ARDEN, IF I WAS A SQUIRTER."

A GOLDEN BOOK.

OH, INTERESTING.

>> AT LEAST ON HOLLYWOODBLVD THERE IS A SPONGE BOB

THERE TO CLEAN IT UP.

>> Chris: OH, ONE HUNDRED POINTSTO DOUG BENSON FOR THAT.

THAT WAS [BEEP] INSPIRED, DOUGBENSON.

KEVIN.

>> GOODBYE ZUNE, WE HARDLY KNEWYOU.

IN FACT I BARELY KNOW WHO YOUARE TO BEGIN WITH.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS.

DOUG.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> GONE TOO ZUNE.

Chris: POINTS.

AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR TONIGHT'S#HASHTAGWARS.

ON THIS DAY IN 1849, FYODORDOSTOEVSKY WAS CONVICTED OF

"ANTI-GOVERNMENT ACTIVITIES" INRUSSIAN AND SENTENCED TO TEN

YEARS IN A SIBERIAN CAMP WHICHINSPIRED HIM TO WRITE

"CRIME AND PUNISHMENT" SO INHONOR OF

THAT, LET'S TOUGHEN UP SOMELITERATURE WITH #PRISONBOOKS.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE HARRY POTTERAND THE PRISONER OF ALKATRAZ

OR THE GIRL WITH A PRISON TATTOOOR HOW THE GRINCH STOLE A CAR

LET'S PUT 50 SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND BEGIN.

>>ORINTHALL JAMES AND THE GIANTPEACH.

>> CATCHER IN THE REAR.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: POINTS, DOUG.

>> TUESDAYS WITH MANSON.

Chris: POINTS.

DOUG.

>> FLOWERS IN THE ATTICA.

Chris: ARDEN.

>> VIOLENT ANAL SEX FOR DUMMIES.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: SO GLAD THERE IS A HOW

TO SERIES ON THAT TO BREAK ITDOWN FOR THE BEGINNER.

>> Chris: THE FOLLOW-UP BOOK.

THEN THE THIRD IN THE SERIES ISTAINT MISS BEHAVIN.

>> HEARTBREAKING WORK ONVEHICULAR MANSLAUGHTER.

>> Chris: KEVIN.

>> HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU,ON SECOND THOUGHT MAYBE HE IS.

RIGHT NOW IT'S TIME TO PLAY"HACK TO SCHOOL."

IF YOU'RE A KID IN SCHOOL, YOUDON'T WANT TO SPEND THE DAY

HEARING STUPID FACTS FROM SMELLYBOOKS!

THE FORWARD-THINKING EDUCATORWILL SET THE LESSON TO POPULAR

MUSIC AND UPLOAD IT TO YOUTUBE.

COMEDIANS, WE'RE GOING TO SHOWYOU AN EDUCATIONAL SONG PARODY

THAT'S DEFINITELY NOT ADESPERATE ATTEMPT TO GO VIRAL TO

COMPENSATE FOR CRUSHED SHOWBIZDREAMS AND FOR 250 POINTS YOU'RE

GOING TO HAVE TO ANSWER AQUESTION ABOUT IT.

FIRST UP, THIS MATHEMATICALPARODY OF "DON'T STOP BELIEVIN".

♪ AN EQUATION♪ AND THERE'S ONE VARIABLE

♪ THERE IS ONE EXPO TENTIAL♪ JUST CHECK.

[LAUGHING][ APPLAUSE ]

>> Chris: I'M AFRAID I JUSTSTOPPED BELIEVING.

WHAT DOES THIS YOUNG MATHPRODIGY GO ONTO MAJOR IN.

>> SMELLING OF WINE AND CHEAPPERFUME.

>> Chris: POINTS.

KEVIN.

>> MAKING YOUTUBE VIDEOS ABOUTHOW THE McRIB IS BACK.

>> Chris: POINTS.

ARDEN.

>> FINGER BANGING CABBAGE PATCHDOLLS.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]>> Chris: I DON'T KNOW WHY IT'S

OKAY TO LAUGH AT THAT.

IT IS.

POINTS ARDEN.

THIS NEXT ONE.

♪♪

>> REFORMA... REFORMA...

REFORMATION.

REFORMA... REFORMA...

REFORMATION.

I CAN'T TELL IF I'M A PROTESTANTOR CATHOLIC!

LUTHER HAD TO TELL THE PEOPLE OFHIS PROTEST.

ON THE DOOR WITH 95 THESIS.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]>> Chris: I'M NOT EVEN KIDDING I

LIKE THIS BETTER THAN THEORIGINAL SONG.

>> IT'S PRETTY GOOD.

Chris: LIKE THE NEXT MONTHI'M GOING TO BE LIKE REFORMA --

REFORMATION.

FANTASTIC. WHAT'S A NEWCOMMANDMENT THESE RAPPIN DADS

WHAT TO ADD TO THE BIBLE.

>> THOU SHALT WEAR TUBE SOCKS ONYOUR DICK.

>> Chris: THEY DID, POINTS.

NEXT UP.

ABC'S TO THE TUNE OF "ICE ICEBABY".

>> LETTERS, THEY GO FROM A TO Z.

NOW EVERYBODY GET UP AND SINGWITH ME.

A-B-C-D-E-F-G-H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O-P.

>> Chris: WHAT DID VANILLA ICESAY TO THESE GUYS WHEN HE SAW

THIS VIDEO?

DOUG.

>> WHAT'S AFTER L-M-N-O-P.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: POINTS.

ARDEN.

>> HEY, MAN, CAN I CRASH ON YOURCOUCH FOR A COUPLE OF WEEKS

WHILE I GET MY [BEEP] TOGETHER.

>> Chris: POINTS, POINTS.

[LAUGHING];;;;LIVE

>> Chris: NEXT, THIS SCHOLASTICPARODY OF "WHAT DOES THE FOX

SAY?">> WHAT DOES THE TEACHER SAY?

USE YOUR WORDS AND NOT YOURHANDS.

USE YOUR WORDS AND NOT YOURHANDS.

USE YOUR WORDS AND NOT YOURHANDS.

WHAT DOES THE TEACHER SAY?

I THINK YOU SHOULD TRY AGAIN.

I THINK YOU SHOULD TRY AGAIN.

[ APPLAUSE ]TERRIBLE IF YOU'RE TRYING TO

FINGER BANG A TEACHER.

>> TERRIBLE.

Chris: USE MY WORDS AND NOTMY HANDS.

TRY AGAIN, TRY AGAIN.

SEE PRINCIPAL.

WHAT IS SOMETHING ELSE THESETEACHERS HAVE SAID RECENTLY.

ARDEN: VAGINALDRYNESS RUINED MY TRIP TO --

>> Chris: BOOK NUMBER TWO INARDEN'S GOLDEN BOOK SERIES.

>> I'LL SQUIRT IT OUT.

>> SQUIRT IT OUT.

Chris: KEVIN.

>> AS SOON AS THIS VIDEO GOESVIRAL.

I'M MOVING TO HOLLYWOOD ANDGOING TO SUCK SHIA LABOUF [BEEP]

>> Chris: POINTS.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: NICE.

THAT'S DEFINITELY WHAT SHE ISSAYING RIGHT THERE.

BEFORE THE BREAK I TOLD YOUABOUT THE GOOGLE SELF-DRIVING

CAR GETTING PULLED OVER FORGOING TOO SLOW.

I ASKED YOU TO TALK YOUR WAY OUTOF THE TICKET.

>> WHAT IS YOUR DAMN BADGENUMBER I PAY YOUR [BEEP]

SALARY. >> Chris: ARDEN.

>> PLEASE PLACE PENIS INPOLICE PLEASURE PORT-- NAH, NAH,

>> Chris: ALRIGHT.

ALRIGHT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]>> Chris: STOP, STOP, HE'S DONE.

>> SORRY.

THAT WAS FAST.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: WHY DID YOU HAVE TO

ADD THE NAH, NAH, NAH.

>> THAT'S HOW A COMPUTER DOES>> Chris: A COMPUTERIZED CAR

BLOWS A COP.

>> LIKE YOU HAVEN'T THOUGHT ITOUT.

>> AT LEAST THE CAR IS SAFE IT'SA WHITE CAR.

>> Chris: OH, NO.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: STOP ENCOURAGING HIM.

DOUG.

>> SORRY, I WAS GOING SO SLOW,OFFICER, SOMEONE FILLED MY TANK

WITH LIQUID MARIJUANA.

IT'S TIME FOR OUR NEXT GAME PUTIT IN MY A-LIST.

THANKS TO THE INTERNET, THERE'SNEVER BEEN A BETTER TIME TO BE

KINKY-- YOU CAN FIND OTHERS WITHSIMILAR FETISHES, WATCH WEIRD

PORN, OR EVEN WATCH OTHERSSEARCH FOR WEIRD PORN.

AWWW, BBW GRANNY BIG TITS.

I THINK IT'S TIME WE COME OUTAND ADMIT THAT ALL OF US HAVE

SOMETHING WEIRD THAT GETS USOFF-- EVEN CELEBRITIES.

SO COMEDIANS, I'M GOING TO SHOWYOU A PICTURE OF SOMEONE FAMOUS,

AND I WANT YOU TO TELL ME WHATYOU THINK THEIR FETISH IS.

FIRST, DONALD TRUMP.

>> MEXICAN JUMPING ANAL BEADS.

Chris: POINTS.

>> Chris: NEXT, PAULA DEEN.

KEVIN.

>> SURPRISINGLY TOSSING SALAD.

>> Chris: NEXT, GRUMPY CAT.

DOUG.

>> TURNS OUT HE'S SUPER INTOMONDAYS.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: NEXT, VLADIMIR PUTIN.

DOUG.

>> PUSSY RIOTS.

>> Chris: NEXT, KRIS JENNER.

>> HER KIDS SEX TAPES.

Chris: POINTS.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: NEXT, SPONGEBOB

SQUAREPANTS.

>> TAKING IT IN ALL OF HISHOLES.

>> Chris: POINTS.

ARE YOU SURE IT'S NOT WIPING UPYOUR SQUIRTS.

AND FINALLY THE NICEST GUY INTHE WORLD TOM HANKS.

>> GETTING T BAGGED BY WILSON.

NOT THE VOLLEYBALL HIS WIFE,RITA WILSON.

>> Chris: SO WELL PLAYED.