Extended - Thursday, March 24, 2016 - Uncensored

  • 03/24/2016

Alison Rich, Jessica McKenna and Nicole Byer moderate a bald eagle forum, make #SexySnacks and spoil "Batman v Superman" in this extended, uncensored episode.

IT'S NOW TIME TO SHAKE OUR DAMNHEADS-- IT'S PANDERDOME!

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)HERE'S A LIST OF THE COOLIEST

AND THE DROOLIEST ON THE NET.

FIRST UP, ALWAYS ON BEAT.

AT A RECENT EVENT FOR UNCOUTHTOILET MONSTER DONALD TRUMP...

(LAUGHTER)...CONSERVATIVE CROONER BEAU

DAVIDSON DECIDED TO BUTCHER ANAMERICAN CLASSIC IN HONOR OF OUR

NEW POSSIBLE ORANGE-TINTEDOVERLORD.

SO, COMEDIANS, WHAT SONG DID BRODAVIDSON RUIN?

JESS.

>> I'M GONNA SAY C, "BORN IN THEU.S.A.," 'CAUSE THOSE ARE THE

ONLY PEOPLE HE CARES ABOUT.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: NOTED.

>> DAMN, THAT WAS GOOD, GIRL!

>> HARDWICK: UH...

UNFORTUNATELY, THAT'S NOT THERIGHT ANSWER.

BUT LET'S ALL CRINGE TOGETHER.

>> ♪ SO, DONALD, DONALDSTAND

BY ME♪ OH, STAND

BY ME... ♪>> OH, YEAH, YEAH. YEAH.

>> OH, MY GOSH.

AT LEAST HE HAD HIS FACE MATCHDONALD'S.

>> HARDWICK: HE DID, YEAH, THEYALL... IT'S MANDATORY IF...

>> AND HIS PERM MATCH HILLARY'S.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: THANK YOU, BEAU,

FOR GIVING US A NEW #HASHTAGWAR,@TRUMPRUINASONG.

HEY, ALSO, UH, IF YOU'RE OUTTHERE WATCHING, THIS WOULD JUST

BE A FUN JOKE FOR ME, FOR ONE OFMY BEST FRIENDS.

UH, TWEET THIS VIDEO TO @WILW,WITH ONE L.

SEND THIS TO WIL WHEATON, STAROF STAND BY ME.

HE'LL LOVE IT. LOVE IT.

HE'LL LOVE IT.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)NEXT-- #FORTHEPEOPLE.

#FORTHEPEOPLE.

BERNIE SANDERS IS A MAN OF THEPEOPLE, BY THE PEOPLE, FOR THE

PEOPLE-- HE'S MADE OF PEOPLE!

HE EVEN...

(WHOOPING)HE EVEN SAYS SO TO THE PEOPLE.

(WHOOPING)HE EVEN SAYS SO TO THE PEOPLE.

FIRST OF ALL, THIS GUY-- NOT ONBOARD WITH ANY OF THAT.

(LAUGHTER)SO... I DON'T KNOW WHAT HE'S

DOING.

(APPLAUSE)I MEAN...

YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS?

THIS GUY'S LIKE, "NO, THAT'S NOTFUN, COME ON, THIS IS AMERICA,

HOW ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO GETELECTED IF YOU CAN'T INSULT

SOMEBODY?

THAT'S WHAT WE DO, RIGHT?

YOU CAN'T GET ELECTED WITHOUTTHAT."

SO, COMEDIANS, WHO ARE WE GOINGTO INSULT?

ALISON.

>> WE ARE GOING TO INSULT PEOPLEWHO HAVE WEDDINGS IN BARNS.

I'M LOOKING AT YOU, JOAN FROMHIGH SCHOOL.

YOU DON'T KNOW FARM LIFE.

YOU HAVE CALF IMPLANTS.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)NICOLE.

>> OKAY, WE'RE GONNA INSULT THEPEOPLE AT THE GYM WHO TELL ME

I'M DOING A GOOD JOB, 'CAUSE,BITCH, I ALREADY KNOW I'M DOING

A GOOD JOB.

I'M NOT EATING.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

POINTS.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)POINTS.

NEXT UP ON THE LIST--WHEN TEDDY MET DONNY.

GELATINOUS BLOBFISH TED CRUZ,SEEN HERE... UH...

(LAUGHTER)>> OH, MY GOD.

>> HARDWICK: WHICH ONE IS...

I CAN'T...

ANYWAY, HE'S BEEFING WITH FANCYHERNIA DONALD TRUMP AFTER BOTH

THOUGHT THE OTHER WAS INSULTINGTHEIR WIFE, SO OF COURSE, OF

COURSE THEY'RE GONNA GET UPSET.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY ANYONEWOULD ATTACK THOSE LADIES.

THEIR MARRIAGES ARE PUNISHMENTENOUGH.

WHY WOULD YOU GO AFTER THEM?

BUT...

(WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)...CRUZ... CRUZ WENT ON CNN TO

DEFEND HER HONOR, AS YOU WOULD,BY SAYING THIS.

>> SO, LAST NIGHT DONALDTHREATENED MY WIFE.

HE WENT DIRECTLY AFTER MY WIFE.

SHE IS MY BEST FRIEND IN THEWORLD.

AND IF DONALD WANTS TO GET IN ACHARACTER FIGHT, HE'S BETTER OFF

STICKING WITH ME, 'CAUSE HEIDIIS WAY OUT OF HIS LEAGUE.

>> HARDWICK: WOW. YOU KNOW WHAT?

I AM VERY IMPRESSED, I'M VERYIMPRESSED THAT TED CRUZ STOOD UP

FOR HIS WIFE AND CAME UP WITHSUCH A GOOD LINE...

EXCEPT HE DIDN'T!

(SHOUTS, GASPS)OH! THE HORROR!

>> AAH! AAH!

>> HARDWICK: A LADY IN THEFRONT ROW GASPED.

THREE PEOPLE IN THE BACK ROWWERE AMBIVALENT.

(LAUGHTER)AS TWITTER USER @LACHLAN POINTED

OUT, TED CRUZ LITERALLY LIFTED ALINE FROM THE FILM THE AMERICAN

PRESIDENT.

CHECK THIS SHIT OUT.

>> OH!

>> AND IF DONALD WANTS TO GET INA CHARACTER FIGHT, HE'S BETTER

OFF STICKING WITH ME, 'CAUSEHEIDI IS WAY OUT OF HIS LEAGUE.

>> YOU WANT A CHARACTER DEBATE,BOB, YOU BETTER STICK WITH ME,

'CAUSE SYDNEY ELLEN WADE IS WAYOUT OF YOUR LEAGUE.

(LAUGHTER, SHOUTING, APPLAUSE)>> THAT IS PERFECT!

>> OH, NO!

(WHOOPING)>> HARDWICK: HE IS SO

ENGINEERED-- HE CAN'T EVENDEFEND HIS WIFE BY HIMSELF!

IN FAIRNESS, THOUGH, I'M PRETTYSURE TRUMP HAS ALSO LIFTED THE

MICHAEL DOUGLAS LINE: GREED ISGOOD!

COMEDIANS, NOW THAT WE KNOW THATTED CRUZ IS TAKING NOTES FROM

CLASSIC MOVIES, WHAT'S ANOTHERROMCOM LINE HE CAN USE IN A

SPEECH!

NICOLE.

>> GET OFF MY PLANE!

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE, WHOOPING)POINTS.

JESSICA.

>> I MAY BE A PRESIDENTIALCANDIDATE, BUT I'M ALSO JUST A

BOY, STANDING IN FRONT OF ACOUNTRY...

ASKING THEM TO IGNORE MY TOTALLYUNLIKABLE FACE.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

THAT WAS...

LISTEN, I'M NOT MADE OF WOOD.

I LOVED THE SHIT OUT OF NOTTINGHILL-- IT IS A GOOD ROMANTIC

COMEDY.

NEXT UP, HILLARIOUSLY BAD, AVIDEO OF EVERYONE'S FAVORITE

FALCON IN A PANTSUIT, HILLARYCLINTON...

>> IT'S A REGAL CREATURE, IDON'T MIND IT.

>> HARDWICK: ...DURING A TRIP TOSOUTH AFRICA HAS RESURFACED THIS

WEEK, AND THE INTERNET'SDELIGHTED BY ITS BEAUTIFUL

AWFULNESS.

COMEDIANS, WHAT IS HILLARYAWKWARDLY DOING-- RAPPING THE

SOUTH AFRICAN NATIONAL ANTHEM ORA-BUMPIN' AND A-GRINDIN'?

JESS.

>> BUMPING AND GRINDING, 'CAUSETHAT'S THE BEST WAY THE PANTSUIT

LOOKS.

>> HARDWICK: FUCK, YEAH, ITDOES.

TAKE A LOOK.

♪ >> OH, BOY.

>> AAH!

(AUDIENCE WHOOPING)>> HARDWICK: OH...

OH...

>> OH, MY GOD.

>> HARDWICK: OH, MY GOD.

I'M DOING IT, I'M DOING IT!

I'M HAVING THAT FUN I'VE HEARDABOUT, EVERYONE, I'M HAVING A

FUN!

I'M HAVING A FUN-- ONE WHOLE FUNUNIT.

UH...

IT'S NOW TIME FOR TONIGHT'S#HASHTAGWARS.

A SNACK IS LIKE A MEAL YOU CANFIT IN YOUR MOUTH ALL AT ONCE.

YOU CAN PUT ALL KINDS OF THINGSIN YOUR MOUTH.

THAT'S WHY TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS#SEXYSNACKS.

#SEXYSNACKS.

EXAMPLES...

(WOMAN WHOOPS)OH, GOOD, I'M GLAD YOU'RE INTO

IT.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE MILFY WAYOR... ALL-MAN JOY.

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK, AND BEGIN.

UH, NICOLE.

>> TRUFFLE BUTTERFINGERS.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

JESS.

>> WHATCHAMAFUCKITS.

WHATCHA... WHAT ARE YOU?

>> HARDWICK: IT'S MY NEWFAVORITE THING.

>> WHATCHAMA... WHAT YOU...

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

WHATCHAMAFUCKIT.

NICOLE.

>> CRACKER JACK OFFS.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

YEAH!

THERE'S GONNA BE A TOY SURPRISEIN YOUR BOX.

UH... JESS.

>> FRITO-LAID.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, POINTS.

UH, ALISON.

>> REESE'S PEANUT BUTTER COCKS.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

JESS.

>> TOBLERMOAN.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

ALISON.

>> CUMMY BEARS.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

NICOLE.

>> UM, OH, OH, OH HENRY!

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

VERY GOOD.

JESS.

>> MOUNDS.

>> HARDWICK: THAT'S IT, RIGHTTHERE!

IT'S RIGHT THERE.

IT'S RIGHT THERE.

>> OH, YEAH, OH, YEAH.

>> HARDWICK: IT'S TIME TO PLAYTHE FATHER, THE SON AND THE HOLY

BASSIST NAMED JEFF.

EASTER IS COMING UP THIS SUNDAY.

HUH?

(WHOOPING)OH, IT'S... I KNOW, IT'S VERY

EXCITING.

WE'RE CELEBRATING EXACTLY THEWAY THE LORD INTENDED-- BY

BURYING COLORED EGGS ANDTHROWING UP PEEPS ON THE FRONT

LAWN.

AND... AND REMEMBER WHEN WE SITAROUND AND LISTEN TO OUR

FAVORITE EASTER CAROLS?

YOU KNOW, LIKE, ♪ SILVER EGGS. AND ALSO, ♪ BABY, IT'S

UNSEASONABLY WARM OUTSIDE. ♪SUCH A GOOD TIME OF YEAR.

I'M GONNA SHOW YOU A CHARMINGCHRISTIAN MUSIC ALBUM COVER.

FOR 250 POINTS I WANT YOU TOGIVE ME A SONG YOU'D HEAR ON

THAT RECORD.

ALL RIGHT, FIRST UP, THIS TRIOOF BEEHIVED SISTER-WIVES.

JESS.

>> "WHOOMP! (HAIR IT IS)".

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

NICOLE.

>> "IT'S RAINING CATS".

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

POINTS.

ALL RIGHT, HERE'S RAY BOLTZ.

HERE'S RAY BOLTZ.

NICOLE.

>> "LADIES, I DON'T EAT PUSSY".

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

JESS.

>> "THIS IS THE FACE I MAKE WHENI SMELL MY OWN FART".

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

YEAH, HE'S RE-HE'S REALLYLEANING OUT, YEAH.

>> HE HAS TO GET AWAY-- MM.

>> HARDWICK: I'M ABOUT TO GIVETHE CONCERT OF A LIFETIME.

(IMITATES FARTING)ALISON.

>> "I'M LOOKING DOWN BECAUSE MYCHILD BRIDE'S ONLY THREE FEET

TALL".

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

ALL RIGHT.

NEXT, WE HAVE THESELF-PROCLAIMED

RAPPIN' REVEREND.

NICOLE.

>> "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY BIBLE".

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

JESS.

>> "SIPPIN' ON SIN AND JUICE".

>> HARDWICK: POINTS, YES, VERYGOOD.

ALISON.

>> WOW, THAT WAS VERY FUNNY.

>> "MOVE, SATAN, GET OUT THEWAY".

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

POINTS.

NEXT UP, THE POWERFUL ALBUMJESUS AND SUPERMAN.

TOGETHER AT LAST.

JESSICA.

>> "LOOK, KIDS, WE GOT SUPERMAN.

PLEASE THINK CHURCH IS COOL".

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

SUPER...

WHAT IF-WHAT IF SUPERMAN BEATSUP THE HEAD OF JESUS?

IT'S ATTACKING THE CITY!

ALISON.

>> "IT'S A BIRD, IT'S A PLANE,IT'S MY LORD AND SAVIOR".

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, POINTS.

THERE IT IS.

NEXT UP, HOW ABOUT BARREN CROSS?

HOW ABOUT BARREN CROSS?

OH, MAN.

UM...

ALISON.

>> ♪ OUR CAT PANTS HAVE MADE USBARREN AS THE CROSS. ♪

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

VERY... YEAH, VERY GOOD, VERYGOOD.

JESSICA.

>> ♪ POUR SOME SACRAMENTAL WINEON ME! ♪

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, POINTS.

>> ♪ IN THE NAME OF... GOD.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

>> THAT'S THAT.

>> HARDWICK: THAT REMINDS ME OFTHE TIME JESUS CURED THE

DEF LEPPARD.

>> OH!

>> OKAY.

>> THAT WAS A GOOD ONE.

>> HARDWICK: NICOLE.

>> "THREE WISE TOPS AND A SILLYPOWER BOTTOM".

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, POI...

POINTS.

>> YOU'RE TOO MUCH!

SHE'S TOO MUCH!

BEFORE THE BREAK, I TOLD YOUABOUT A FORUM ON THE EAGLE CAM

WEB SITE STRESSING TO MEMBERS TOKEEP IT CLEAN AND KEEP THE

DISCUSSION TO THESE EAGLES ONLY!

I ASKED YOU TO BE ONE OF THE DCEAGLE CAM FORUM'S FRUSTRATED

MONITORS AND REMIND SOMEONE OFTHE FUCKING RULES.

SO LET'S SEE WHAT YOU CAME UPWITH.

NICOLE, LET'S START WITH YOU.

>> STOP SPAMMIN' "LET DEM EAGLESFUCK."

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT.

YOU SHOULD.

>> LET 'EM FUCK.

>> HARDWICK: ALISON.

>> LET 'EM FUCK.

LET 'EM.

>> WE AGREE THEY SHOULD SELLTHEIR CARGO SHORTS OVERSEAS,

BUT, AGAIN, THAT'S A DIFFERENTAMERICAN EAGLE FORUM.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

RIGHT.

JESSICA.

>> ALL RIGHT, WE'VE BEEN GETTINGA LOT OF CONFUSION ABOUT THIS.

IF YOU WANT THE BIRDS WHONOTARIZE DOCUMENTS WITH SMALL

DOGS WHILE EXERCISING ANDSTRENGTHENING THEIR PELVIC

MUSCLES, YOU HAVE TO GO TO THEFORUM LABELED LEGAL EAGLES AND

BEAGLES DOING KEGELS.

>> HARDWICK: WOW. AMAZING.

AS WE GO TO OUR NEXT GAME, THEMIDNIGHT SPOIL: BATMAN V

SUPERMAN.

WELL... IT'S ON THE HORIZON.

AFTER A MERE 33 YEARS OF TEASERSAND TRAILERS AND PRESS TOURS OF

BATMAN AND SUPERMAN STARING ATEACH OTHER FROM VARIOUS ANGLES

AT UNCOMFORTABLY CLOSE RANGE,BATMAN V SUPERMAN: DAWN OF...

THEY'RE DOING IT THERE!

FINALLY COMES OUT TODAY!

WHO WILL WIN?

WILL IT BE THE BAT MAN?

WILL IT BE A SUPERMAN?

A TIRED ENTERTAINMENT INDUSTRYBUILT ON FRANCHISE POWER.

I COULD TELL YOU, BUT I DON'TWANT TO SPOIL IT.

SO INSTEAD I'LL LET THECOMEDIANS DO THAT WITH OUR FIRST

INSTALLMENT OF THE MIDNIGHTSPOIL!

COMEDIANS, PLEASE GIVE ME ASMANY SPOILERS FROM BATMAN V

SUPERMAN AS YOU CAN.

AND IF YOU TWEET AT ME THATWE'RE GIVING AWAY ACTUAL

SPOILERS, FUCK YOU.

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS...

THEY'RE NOT... THESE ARE NOTREAL.

DON'T GET UPSET.

DON'T YELL AT ME ON REDDIT.

UH, I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ONTHE CLOCK.

AND BEGIN. JESS.

>> NO MATTER HOW GOOD OR BAD ITIS, YOU WON'T LIKE IT.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS. ALISON.

>> ROBIN THICKE PLAYS ROBIN.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

NICOLE.

>> THEY FUCK.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

FINALLY. JESS.

(LAUGHTER)>> UH... PENGUIN IS IN IT, BUT

IT IS A REAL PENGUIN.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

ALISON.

>> BATMAN'S SUIT HAS TINY LITTLEKRYPTONITE NIPPLES.

>> HARDWICK: NICOLE.

>> WONDER WOMAN FINDS OUTBUKKAKE IS NOT A VILLAIN.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS. NICOLE.

>> UM, THE WHOLE MOVIE IS JUSTONE BIG LONG GRINDR DATE.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, POINTS.

POINTS.

(GRUFFLY): I, UH... I-I COULDN'THELP BUT NOTICE YOU WERE IN MY

AREA.