CC Presents: Freddy Soto

  • Season 7, Ep 12
  • 05/01/2003

I JUST HAD A BABY GIRL SO THAT'S

WHY...

(CHEERS AND WHISTLES)

YEAH.

THAT'S WHY YOU FEEL WHAT

I'M FEELING, MAN.

YOU DON'T KNOW, EVERY DAY I GET

TO LOOK AT HER AND, YOU KNOW,

NOW SHE'S LOOKIN' AT ME AND

STUFF.

SHE HAS LIKE A WOBBLY NECK.

YEAH, SHE CAN'T LOOK AT ME

AT ALL.

SHE JUST--

(LAUGHTER)

THEN HER ARM SPAZZES OUT AND--

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

IT MAKES ME NERVOUS, YOU KNOW

WHAT I MEAN?

MY DAD IS VERY HAPPY THAT I HAD

THE BABY.

BUT IT'S LIKE HE'S MORE HAPPY

THAT I HAVE SOMETHING ELSE

TO WORRY ABOUT BESIDES MYSELF.

DOES THAT MAKE SENSE TO YOU?

NOW HE'S, "WHOA HO-HO!

NOW YOU'RE GONNA SEE WHAT

IT'S LIKE!

(LAUGHTER)

NOW YOU'RE GONNA KNOW WHAT IT'S

LIKE TO HAVE A BA--

HE-HE-HE-HE!

OH, NO MORE MR. PARTY-TIME.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

NO, NO, NO.

YOU HAVE TO PAY MONEY.

BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT YOUR BABY

NEEDS, MIJO, NOW YOU'RE GONNA--

'I WANT MONEY, DADDY.

GIVE ME MONEY, DADDY.'

"MAN, DAD, WHEN DID I ASK YOU

FOR MONEY?"

"OH, YOU DON'T REMEMBER?

YOU DON'T REMEMBER?

♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY ♪

♪ MERRY CHRISTMAS ♪

♪ HAPPY NEW YEAR ♪

QUARTERS FOR DONKEY KONG,

NIKE SNEAKERS, TWINKIE."

(LAUGHTER)

I'M LIKE, "MAN, YOU'RE HOLDING

A GRUDGE, BROTHER.

WHY ARE YOU STRESSING SO HARD,

MAN?

I DON'T OWE YOU ANY CASH?"

"OH, NO, YOU OWE ME MILLIONS."

(LAUGHTER)

HE'LL JUST SAY IT LIKE THAT,

BUT HE'S A CON ARTIST, MAN.

HE'S ALWAYS LOOKIN' FOR THAT

EDGE TO GET SOME CASH.

LIKE, "COME ON, GUY.

YOU NEED TO GIVE ME, YOU KNOW,

(UNINTELLIGIBLE) HUNDRED."

(LAUGHTER)

I SAID, "WHAT DID YOU SAY?"

"WHAT DID YOU HEAR?"

(LAUGHTER)

CON ARTIST, MAN.

THAT'S HOW HE'S BEEN SINCE I WAS

A KID, MAN.

YOU KNOW, I HAD TO PREPARE

FOR MY BABY, YOU KNOW.

I BOUGHT LITTLE PLAYPENS--

TOYS FOR THE BABY AND STUFF

LIKE THAT.

AND THEN LIKE AN IDIOT, I SAID,

"DAD, HOW DID YOU GUYS PREPARE

FOR ME?"

"HE-HE-HE-HE!

WE DIDN'T EVEN WANT YOU.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE COMING

TILL A WEEK BEFORE."

MY PARENTS WERE YOUNG, BROTHER.

THEY WERE LIKE 15 OR 16 WHEN

THEY HAD ME SO IT'S ONE OF THOSE

THINGS LIKE, YOU KNOW, I WAS IN

KINDERGARTEN, THEY WERE STILL IN

HIGH SCHOOL, I REMEMBER IT.

I REMEMBER IT LIKE IT WAS

YESTERDAY.

I USED TO SEE 'EM IN THE

HALLWAYS--

"HEY, DAD.

I NEED LUNCH MONEY."

(LAUGHTER)

"I'M GOING TO MY LOCKER.

SCREW YOU!"

(LAUGHTER)

MY WIFE'S VERY HAPPY, THOUGH.

SHE'S COMING ALONG FINE.

SHE'S, YOU KNOW, REPAIRING

HERSELF.

SHE'S WHITE SO, YOU KNOW,

SHE'S VERY EXCITED TO BE HAVING

LATIN BABIES.

LATINO BABIES, MAN.

SHE WANTS TO BE IN THE WHOLE

THING, YOU KNOW.

SHE THOUGHT RIGHT WHEN WE GOT

MARRIED, SHE--

"OH MY GOD, I'M GONNA BE

MEXICAN.

OH, MY GOD!"

(LAUGHTER)

I GO, "NO, NO, NO.

YOU GOTTA DO SOME PAPERWORK

BEFORE THAT HAPPENS."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

SO SHE WAS GLAD, MAN.

GLAD TO MEET MY FATHER,

GLAD TO GET INTO THE FAMILY NOW.

THAT'S MY WIFE, YOU KNOW.

ALWAYS LOVING TO BE AROUND

MY PARENTS.

ESPECIALLY MY DAD, YOU KNOW.

SHE'S HOOKING ONTO HIS FAVORITE

WORD.

MY DAD'S GOT HIS FAVORITE WORD.

"REGARDLESS."

HE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT MEANS,

HE JUST LIKES TO SAY IT,

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

"REGARDLESS."

AND HE'LL JUST SLIP IT INTO

A SENTENCE, MAN, WHETHER IT

BELONGS THERE OR NOT.

YOU KNOW HE'LL JUST PUT IT IN.

"MIJO, COME OVER HERE.

LOOK AT THE CHAIR.

WE NEED TO SAND IT ON THE SIDE,

REGARDLESS.

(LAUGHTER)

AND THEN ON THE BOTTOM WE GOTTA

PUT A QUARTER SO IT WON'T WIGGLE

REGARDLESS."

(LAUGHTER)

I DON'T EVEN ASK HIM WHY HE SAYS

IT.

HE GETS MAD.

"DAD, WHY REGARDLESS?"

"WELL, REGARDLESS I CAN USE

THAT, ALL RIGHT?"

"DON'T GET A VEIN IN YOUR HEAD,

MAN.

I'M JUST TALKING..."

HE GOES CRAZY, MAN.

HE'S BEEN LIKE THAT EVER SINCE

I WAS A KID, YOU KNOW?

WHAT CAN I DO?

NOW HE'S HAPPY THAT I'M MARRIED

TO A WHITE GIRL.

"NOW SHE'S GONNA TAKE CARE

OF YOU.

BUT YOU BETTER REMEMBER WHERE

YOU CAME FROM."

THAT'S WHAT HE'S ALWAYS TELLING

ME.

"JUST REMEMBER WHERE YOU CAME

FROM, ALL RIGHT?

MY BALLS.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

THAT'S WHERE YOU LIVED, IN MY

LITTLE APARTMENT RIGHT THERE.

MY TWO BEDROOM APARTMENT,

THAT'S WHERE YOU GREW UP.

YOU WERE JUST A LITTLE FISH,

JUST A LITTLE FISH.

BUT YOU WERE THE FASTEST ONE.

(LAUGHTER)

CAME OUT OF THE MEXICAN CANNON.

YOU SHOULD BE PROUD."

(APPLAUSE)

YOU KNOW, AND HIS ENGLISH IS ALL

MESSED UP.

HE'S, YOU KNOW, ALWAYS ASKING ME

HOW TO SPELL FOR HIM.

HE CAN'T SPELL THIS GUY.

"MIJO, COME OVER HERE.

HEY, HOW MANY S'S ARE THERE

IN THE WORD 'SHICKEN'?"

(LAUGHTER)

"'SHICKEN'?

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT,

MAN?"

"WELL, FREDDY, "S" IN CHICKEN,

HOW MANY?!"

(LAUGHTER)

"THE WAY YOU SAY IT, FOUR.

PUT AS MANY AS YOU WANT, MAN.

I'M JUST TELLING YOU, THERE'S A

LOT OF S'S THE WAY YOU SAY IT."

I GO, "DAD, DON'T TELL ME THAT A

SHAIR AND A SHICKEN--

BUT YOUR KNIFE, IT'S CHARP.

(LAUGHTER)

ALL OF A SUDDEN, THERE'S A "CH"

OUT OF NOWHERE, MAN.

YOU KNOW, "HEY, LOOK AT MY NEW

CHOES."

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN CHOES, MAN?

YOU CHOOSE YOUR SHOES."

"I SHOOSE MY CHOES?"

(LAUGHTER)

"WELL, THAT'S YOUR PEOPLE

THOUGH, FREDDY.

THAT'S WHY I LOVE YOUR FAMILY.

THEY'RE SO PASSIONATE."

SHE SAYS SOME RACIST STUFF

EVERY NOW AND THEN, MAN.

(LAUGHTER)

OH, YOU CAN BELIEVE IT, MAN.

DIG THIS.

WHEN WE WERE IN THE ULTRASOUND

ROOM GETTING AN ULTRASOUND

FOR MY LITTLE BABY, YOU TELL ME

IF I'M BEING TOO SENSITIVE.

WE'RE LOOKING AT THE MONITOR,

MY BABY COMES UP ON THE SCREEN

AND WHEN YOU FIRST SEE IT,

IT'S LIKE SIX MILLIMETERS BIG.

SHE STARTS CRYING, MY WIFE.

"OH, MY GOD.

IT LOOKS LIKE A LITTLE BEAN."

(LAUGHTER)

NOW WHAT KIND OF RACIST CRAP

IS THAT?

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, IT LOOKS LIKE

A LITTLE BEAN, HUH?

IS THAT WHY YOU'RE CRYING

'CAUSE IT LOOKS LIKE A BEAN?

I BET IF IT LOOKED LIKE

A CRACKER, YOU'D BE VERY HAPPY.

YEAH, HUH?

YEAH, EVERY--

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

EVERYBODY WOULD BE LAUGHING

IF IT LOOKED LIKE A RITZ.

THAT'S WHERE SHE COMES FROM,

I GUESS.

I GREW UP IN EL PASO, TEXAS.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

WE HAD A LOT OF--

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

HAD A LOT OF REDNECKS.

(LAUGHTER)

OH, MAN, THAT'S WHEN YOU DID

GET SCARED, MAN, WHEN YOU START

HEARING THAT.

WHEEEEWWWW!

(LAUGHTER)

THEY'RE THE ONES, MAN.

SEE THOSE GUYS--

THAT'S WHY I DON'T HAVE

AN ACCENT LIKE MY FATHER.

I HAD TEACHERS THAT WERE--

"HEY, GOT DARNIT, EH.

(LAUGHTER)

YOU'RE NOT GONNA SPEAK YOUR GOT

DARN SPANGALI IN MY CLASSROOM.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

YOU'D BETTER SAVE THAT STUFF

FOR YOUR OWN DARN CASA.

I'M TRYIN' TO HELP YOU, PEPITO.

HERE IN TEXAS, WE SPEAK ENGLISH

LIKE THE GOOD LORD INTENDED,

ALL RIGHT?

THAT'S RIGHT.

HELL, WHAT LANGUAGE WAS THE

BIBLE WRITTEN IN?

(LAUGHTER)

OH, THAT'S RIGHT.

WRITTEN IN GOOD OLD AMERICAN,

SON.

YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME, GO OVER

TO THE MOTEL 8, OPEN A DRAWER.

YOU OPEN THE GOOD BOOK,

I GUARANTEE YA A JALAPEÑO

WON'T FALL OUT."

ALWAYS TRYING TO HELP, MAN.

THESE GUYS.

YOU KNOW, THAT'S WHAT THEY DO.

THEY GO, "BEANER."

WE GOT THE BEANER, BIG DEAL.

SO WHAT?

EVERYBODY'S GOT A FOOD.

THAT'S WHAT RACISM WAS ALL ABOUT

IS FOOD, REALLY, RIGHT?

BLACK PEOPLE, WHAT DO YOU GUYS

HAVE?

Female: CHICKEN.

Freddy: FRIED CHICKEN,

WATERMELON.

SEE HOW QUIET EVERYBODY JUST GOT

IN HERE.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

BUT EVERYBODY LAUGHED AT

THE BEANS, THOUGH, DIDN'T THEY?

THE BEANS IS FUNNY, RIGHT?

BUT CHICKEN, "OH, NEVER HEARD

OF IT.

WHAT'S A CHICKEN?"

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

"WATERMELON?

HEY, GUY.

I'M ON A DATE.

I GOT THESE TICKETS FOR FREE."

(LAUGHTER)

HEY, WE TRIED TO PIN CRACKER

ON THE WHITE PEOPLE.

THAT ONE'S NOT HAPPENING TOO

GOOD, MAN, 'CAUSE WHITE PEOPLE

ARE VERY CRAFTY.

YOU GUYS ARE ALWAYS IN EVERYBODY

ELSE'S RESTAURANT, THAT WAY THEY

DON'T GET YOU.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

Freddy Soto: YOU GOT TO HAVE

FUN, MAN.

PEOPLE ARE NOW STARTING

THE POLITICALLY CORRECT THING,

YOU KNOW?

"WE'RE ALL JUST PEOPLE.

I'M IN THE HUMAN RACE."

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, WE'RE ALL JUST

PEOPLE?

YOU'RE SCARED OF ADJECTIVES,

MAN?

YOU CAN'T DESCRIBE EACH OTHER

ANYMORE?

WHAT IS THAT, MAN?

I'M PROUD OF WHO I AM.

IT'S THE DIFFERENCES THAT MAKE

US SPECIAL.

DON'T EVER TAKE IT AWAY FROM

EACH OTHER.

(CHEERS, WHISTLES, APPLAUSE)

THAT'S--

ARE YOU TELLING ME IF YOU HAVE

A FRIEND WITH A WOODEN LEG

YOU'RE NEVER GONNA TALK ABOUT

IT?

THAT'S NOT A FRIEND, MAN.

IF HE'S A FRIEND OF MINE,

YOU KICK IT OUT FROM UNDER HIM.

(LAUGHTER)

HE'LL REMEMBER THAT FOR

100 YEARS I GUARANTEE YA.

YEAH, TAKE IT AWAY FROM HIM

WHEN HE'S SWIMMING.

HE'LL GO IN A CIRCLE LIKE THAT.

(LAUGHTER)

"NO, FREDDY, WE'RE ALL JUST

PEOPLE.

DON'T SAY SUCH THINGS."

GOOD, I HOPE YOU GET MUGGED,

RIGHT?

THEN WE'LL SEE HOW SENSITIVE

YOU ARE, RIGHT?

"WHO MUGGED YOU?"

"OH, IT WAS A PERSON."

(LAUGHTER)

"WHAT'D HE LOOK LIKE?"

"JUST PEOPLE, REALLY."

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

NO, TRUST ME.

THEY'LL HAVE A LABEL FOR YOU AND

YOU WON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO DO.

"WHO MUGGED YOU?"

"OH, MY GOD, IT WAS A MEXICAN

GANG-BANGER.

(LAUGHTER)

HE HAD A BIG TATTOO OF THE

VIRGIN MARY GUADELOUPE ON HIS

THROAT.

(APPLAUSE)

THERE WERE 16 PEOPLE IN HIS

CAR...

AND 12 MORE ON THE HOOD.

ALL THE BABIES WERE IN

THE BACK SEAT.

ALL THE WOMEN WERE HAVING BABIES

AND MORE BABIES AND THEY WERE

OUT SELLING CHICLETS.

EVERY ONE OF THEM HAD A

LEAF BLOWER AND A LAWNMOWER.

THERE WAS A LITTLE DOG THAT

SPOKE SPANISH AND HE WAS SELLING

TACOS FOR 99 CENTS.

(LAUGHTER AND CHEERING)

THEY WERE DRIVING A CHEVY WITH

A MALIBU DOOR.

AND THEY HAD MATTRESSES ON TOP

OF THEIR CAR.

NO ROPE.

EVERYBODY WAS JUST HOLDING ON

WITH ONE ARM.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

OH, MY GOD."

(CHEERS AND WHISTLES)

"WHAT COLOR WAS THE CAR?"

"PRIMER."

(LAUGHTER)

THIS IS WHAT I HAD WHEN I WAS

GROWING UP, MAN.

THERE WAS ONE TOY I DIDN'T GET,

THOUGH.

I DIDN'T GET A SLIP-N-SLIDE.

I WANTED A SLIP-N-SLIDE.

YEAH, NO I G--

BUT I DID, I GOT A HEFTY SLIDE.

THAT'S COOL.

YOU GUYS REMEMBER THE

HEFTY SLIDE, WHERE YOU TAPE SOME

HEFTY BAGS TOGETHER AND YOU

LAY IT OUT ON YOUR FRONT LAWN?

PUT SOME ROCKS DOWN ON THE

CORNER SO IT DOESN'T FLY AWAY?

MY DAD USED TO WATER IT IN THE

FRONT LAWN, YOU KNOW.

AND SMOKING IN HIS UNDERWEAR.

(LAUGHTER)

AND, I MEAN, HE WANTED TO HAVE

A GOOD TIME, MAN.

IF HE SET OUT FOR A GOOD TIME,

HE MEANT IT.

"COME ON, GUY, LET'S GO.

WATER, LOOK AT THE WATER!

COME ON, MAN, THROW A

SLIP-N-SLIDE!

HE-HE-HE!

I SAID, COME ON, LET'S HAVE

SOME FUN, ALL RIGHT!

I'M NOT DOING THIS FOR NOTHING,

NOW LET'S GO.

IF YOU DON'T WANNA HAVE SOME

FUN, GO INSIDE.

(LAUGHTER)

NO, COME ON, DON'T BE SCARED,

ALL RIGHT?

DON'T--

COME ON.

WHEN YOU COME DOWN, I'M GONNA

PICK UP THE ROCK.

DON'T WORRY, I'LL PICK IT UP."

(LAUGHTER)

NOBODY PICKED UP THE ROCK,

TRUST ME ON THAT.

OH, YEAH.

I'M STILL MISSING A NIPPLE

ON THIS SIDE 'CAUSE I--

"YEAH!"

(WHISTLES)

NIPPLE.

WOO-HEW-HEW!

I STILL WANT MY NIPPLE,

YOU KNOW?

AND I WENT TO MY MOM I'M LIKE,

"MOM, MY NIPPLE."

AND SHE GIVES ME SOME KIND

OF MEXICAN WITCHCRAFT, YOU KNOW?

"DON'T WORRY, SON..."

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS, BRO?

THAT MEANS RUB, RUB THE ASS

OF A FROG.

TAKE ME TO A DOCTOR, MAN,

GET SOME INSURANCE.

EVERY TIME, IT'S HOME REMEDIES,

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

YOU COULD CUT MY ARM OFF AT MY

GRANDMA'S HOUSE.

"DON'T WORRY, JUST PUT SOME

BUTTER ON IT.

(LAUGHTER)

SOME BUTTER AND SOME SOUR CREAM.

A POTATO."

COME ON, MAN.

"DAD, I'VE GOT ATHLETE'S FOOT."

"OH, YOU HAVE TO PEE ON YOUR

FEET."

(LAUGHTER)

"MAN, I'M NOT GONNA PEE ON MY

FEET."

"OH, YOU WANT ME TO?"

COME ON.

"MOM, DAD WANTS TO PEE ON MY

FEET."

"OH, YOU'VE GOT ATHLETE'S FOOT.

YOU BETTER LET HIM.

"DO YOU HAVE DANDRUFF?"

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

Freddy Soto: WE LOVE THOSE KINDS

OF THINGS, THOUGH.

WE LOVE PRACTICAL JOKES.

WE PLAYED THEM ALL THE TIME

IN MY HOUSE.

MY DAD LIKED TO TAKE PICTURES

OF YOU WHEN YOU WERE REALLY

PISSED OFF, YOU KNOW WHAT

I MEAN, JUST TO MAKE--

"LOOK AT HER FACE.

LOOK AT HER FACE!"

EVERY DAY, HE'D WAKE UP MY MOM

WITH A NEW WAY TO WAKE HER UP.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

HE'D WAKE HER UP, "ANNA,

FREDDY GOT HIT BY A CAR!

(SOUND OF CAMERA CLICKING)

HE-HE-HE-HE!

YOU BELIEVED ME, STUPID."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

THAT'S THE WAY I DID IT, MAN.

THAT'S THE WAY I DID IT WHEN

I WAS GROWING UP, HERE IN

THIS HOUSE WITH MY BARS AND THE

VIRGIN MARY THAT THE EYES MOVED.

(LAUGHTER)

I PUSHED IT TOO, MAN.

I PUSHED IT WITH MY PARENTS.

GUYS EVER COME HOME DRUNK?

I MEAN, LIKE REALLY--

(AUDIENCE CHEERS)

REALLY, REALLY, WASTED, WASTED

DRUNK WHERE YOU LIKE COME HOME

AND TAKE A LEAK IN ONE OF THEIR

CLOSETS OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

LIKE THAT.

AND YOU DON'T EVEN CARE WHO'S

WATCHING YOU.

(LAUGHTER)

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING

TO MY CHOES!"

"YOU GOT ATHLETES FOOT.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

JUST TRYIN' TO HOOK YOU UP,

DUDE."

"YOU BETTER GO TO SLEEP,

ALL RIGHT?

TOMORROW YOU'RE GONNA BE

THE EARLY BIRD, TOMORROW,

BELIEVE ME."

AND THEY MEAN IT, MAN.

YOU'RE GONNA BE THE EARLY BIRD.

THEY'LL WAKE YOU UP AT LIKE

5:30 IN THE MORNING.

THEY DON'T EVEN HAVE TO SHAKE

YOU TO WAKE YOU UP, ALL THEY

GOTTA DO IS STARE AT YOU.

FEELS LIKE THEY'VE BEEN THERE

ALL NIGHT, YOU KNOW.

JUST WATCHING YOU.

YOU OPEN YOUR LITTLE CRUSTY EYE.

"HEY, GOOD MORNING MR.

PARTY-TIME!

GET UP, YOU'RE GONNA RE-ROOF

THE HOUSE."

(LAUGHTER)

YOU'LL BE ON THAT ROOF, MAN,

AND YOU'LL BE WORKING, RIGHT?

THAT'S A FATHER AND SON, MOMENT,

MAN.

WHERE YOU'RE HUNG OVER AND HE'S

HUNG OVER, YOU'RE BOTH WORKING.

(LAUGHTER)

THEY SEND YOU TO GO LOOK

FOR STUFF, BUT THEY DON'T TELL

YOU WHERE IT IS.

THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT IT IS.

"GO FIND ME THE--

YOU KNOW, THE--

(LAUGHTER)

WELL, THE THING THAT I NEED.

GO FIND ME THAT.

WHAT-- THAT-- THAT--

YOU KNOW WHAT I--

LA COSA, LA COSA.

(APPLAUSE)

LA LATINERERA, THE THING THAT

I NEED TO DO, EH!"

(LAUGHTER.

"I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS."

"FIND IT."

(LAUGHTER)

THEN THEY DON'T TELL YOU WHERE

IT IS.

"DAD, WHERE IS IT?"

"WELL, YOU LOOK, IT'S RIGHT

THERE."

(LAUGHTER)

"RIGHT THERE, MAN, WHAT ARE YOU

SAY--

WHAT DO YOU MEAN,

'RIGHT THERE'?"

"WELL, RIGHT THERE.

IF YOU DON'T SEE IT RIGHT THERE,

THEN LOOK NEXT TO THE LEFT."

"NEXT TO THE WHAT, MAN?"

"IF YOU DON'T SEE IT ON THE

LEFT, THEN LOOK MORE LEFTER."

"MORE 'LEFTER'?

THAT NOT EVEN A WORD."

"I'M NOT IN SCHOOL, MR. ROGERS,

ALL RIGHT?

NOW LOOK ON TOP OF THE THING

BY THE SIDE ON THE MIDDLE.

NO, I ENTER LA COSA--

NEXT TO THE LEFT OF THE LEFTER!

NO, YOU'RE NOT LOOKING BECAUSE

I'M TELLING YOU NOT TO LOOK,

ON PURPOSE YOU'RE NOT LOOKING,

I'M TELLING YOU NOT.

(LAUGHTER)

OH, NO.

OH, OH, BUT IF IT WAS YOUR

FRIENDS THAT YOU GOT DRUNK WITH,

OH, I FOUND IT!

OH, LET ME LOOK HARDER FOR YOU,

CHARLIE.

LOOK, I FOUND IT.

LET'S GO GET DRUNK!"

(LAUGHTER)

"DAD, I'M SORRY, I DIDN'T MEAN

TO--"

"YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU BETTER FIND

IT.

BECAUSE IF I GO THERE

AND I FIND IT...

I'M GONNA KICK YOUR ASS, MAN.

YOU KNOW WHAT, IF YOU SEE IT

RIGHT NOW, YOU BETTER HIDE IT...

REGARDLESS."

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