Here I go.
Um, boy, thank youfolks for coming out.
I'm Jake, and this is"Two Drink Minimum."
And I've neverhosted a show before,
but it's gotta be kind of like--I mean that welcome you gave
me-- it's kind of likehaving your own cult.
Um I think-- you know, I neverreally wanted my own cult
until I found out aboutall the perks, you know?
Evidently, if you'rethe cult leader
you can have sex withany of the cult members.
And they do, while the othermembers have to mow the lawn
and wash the dog.
The cult dog-- you'dhave a cult dog.
(SCARY VOICE) Remember,god is dog backwards.
Now wash him and vacuumthis compound, what ,
were you indoctrinatedin a barn?
So I'd kind of like to-- andthey have to do it, you know,
because God told youto tell them to do it.
Or better-- eliminate themiddleman-- because you're god.
My problem-- my problem is Ineed some kind of a miracle
to convince people that I'm God.
I suppose-- you know, youcan go to a primitive country
with a Bic lighter anda couple of thermoses
and-- this one keepshot things hot,
and this one keepscold things cold.
But, yeah-- thosepeople-- you really
don't want to havesex with them, anyway.
And then the other thing isanybody who would buy one
of my magic tricks asa miracle is probably
too stupid to wantto have sex with.
You know what I'm talking about?
And all four jackscome to the top.
Now take off your clothes!
Our first comedian did notfall for the four jacks trick.
So nice to be here.
This is-- this is great.
How many of you-- I'm curious--actually recognized me from TV?
That's-- see that's--that's what it's all about,
I guess-- privacy, yeah.
I did a local radioshow this morning.
That was fun.
One of the other guess hadjust written a book called
"How Your NameShapes Your Future."
This is a guynamed Pee-Pee Head.
I don't know if you'refamiliar with his work.
Last night I spentthe night with my dad,
and at 3:00 in themorning I think
I hear someone breaking in.
So I call 911.
The voice says if there'san intruder in your home,
and you're calling from atouch tone phone, press one.
If there's anintruder in your home
and you're callingfrom a rotary phone,
hit the intruder withthe rotary phone.
Turns out, it's nothing.
I'm a little jumpy.
We've had some break-insrecently in my neighborhood.
I-- I'm just not used tothe sounds of the suburbs.
I grew up in New YorkCity, met my wife
there, which is-- which is noteasy-- to meet a woman here.
To make eye contact with awoman in New York is not easy.
The only way todo that is to walk
about three feetbehind her at night.
It's a, uh-- scary place I wasmugged-- midtown Manhattan,
broad daylight, big guy like me.
And that is a, uh-- thatis a terrifying experience.
The things that racethrough your mind-- phrases
you haven't used sinceyou were a kid like I'll
be your best friend.
But even if you likeNew York, you'll
admit it's not a nice place.
It does things to a person.
My uncle-- true story--10 years ago this guy
was a prominentjudge in Manhattan.
Now he's a wino livingin Central Park.
But out of respect, people stillsay, may I approach the bench?
And that's sweet.
I live in-- I live inCambridge, Massachusetts, right
in the middle of Harvard Square.
And, uh-- I like it, butCambridge is the kind of place
where you can walk intoa children's book store
and find a self-help section.
Yesterday a saw a bookfor five-year-olds
called "Learning toTie Your Inner Shoe."
I was surprised.
I wasn't shocked.
My nephew goes to school there.
He plays hockey on anon-goal oriented team.
I have been doing a lotof benefits this year.
As a matter offact, last night I
did a benefit for thesurvivors of a benefit
I had done the week before.
And that feels good.
Give a little something back.
I don't like tohonk my own horn,
but I have been lending my nameto some good causes lately--
the animal rights people,working with them.
I have been working with thehorse community in the area
of sexual harassment,and our feeling
is that when a horse says neigh,that's exactly what they mean.
I had surgery this year forthe first time in my life.
Nothing serious,but it shook me up.
My wife finallyconvinced me to sign
what's called a living will.
Are you familiar with this?
This is a document that givesher the right, in the event
that I become attached to somekind of mechanical device,
to terminate my life.
Yesterday, I'm onthe exercise bike.
We-- we have a good thing going.
Although we seem tobe going through all
the traditionalstages of a marriage.
She recently went through thefaking a headache stage, now
she's going through the I findyou physically repugnant stage.
I miss the headache stage.
I was a late bloomer with women.
Before I met my wife, I hadvirtually no experience.
I remember on our weddingnight, I tried to inflate her.
I had dinner withmy dad tonight,
and it's getting--it's getting tough.
He's 84 years old.
Still works, god bless him.
He's a pimp, and he'sout there every night.
But what's said isthat he no longer
can grasp what Ido for a living.
He thinks I'm a Canadian.
This morning he calls me,very excited, he says,
you know what?
I get up to go to the bathroomin the middle of night now.
I don't have toturn on the light.
It goes on automatically.
When I'm done the lightgoes off automatically.
I said, Dad, you'repeeing in the fridge.
Hey, thank you so much.
How's it going tonight, folks?
Halloween's coming up, huh?
No, like 13 months now,Halloween's coming up.
You know what Inoticed last Halloween?
A lot of couples going out, notcoordinating their costumes.
I was at a party.
I'm watching people come in.
I'm like, oh, wow, look who justarrived-- those famous lovers
from history, Romeoand Pocahontas.
Hey, they're on a doubledate with Gandhi and Cher.
But I'm a single guy myself.
I was reading the personal ads.
Saw one that said "singlewhite female, 27, herpes mild."
Yeah, I didn't didn't knowwe use same rating system
for social diseases aswe do for taco sauce.
But speaking of food mademyself a good dinner tonight.
I used a wok.
That is a greatthing to have, a wok.
With a wok, in the privacy ofyour own home you can create
your own mediocreChinese food for $0.50
less than ordering take out.
I'm standing over thisthing going, oh yeah.
I'm glad I'm makingthis stuff myself,
because thoserestaurants in Chinatown
just don't make hot dogfried rice the way I like it.
So this is nice.
It's like being inconcert here tonight, huh?
In concert, yeah.
I hate going to concertsat these big places--
these big arenas.
I went to buytickets for a concert
at Madison SquareGarden recently.
The guy said we onlyhave a few tickets left.
They're $25, and the seatsare behind the stage.
I said, behind the stage?
That's all right.
I'll stay home.
He goes, stay home? $10.
The guy charged me to stay home.
So I used to be a teacher.
Any teachers here tonight?
All right, couple of drunkteachers out on the town.
I used to be asubstitute teacher.
That's a crazy job.
They call you up at 6o'clock in the morning.
They wake you up.
Then they ask you if you'dlike to come into work.
And you can say no.
My first year ofteaching I made $72.14.
I had to work thatone day to show
my dedication to the children.
But these kids used to makeunreasonable demands of me
all the time.
Like, they'd wantto use the restroom.
Seriously,straight-faced, they would
ask, Mr.Barry, can Igo to the bathroom?
I'd be like, no, of course not.
I can't leave.
You can't leave.
Kid would always giveme the same threat.
(NASAL VOICE) Well, ifyou don't let me go,
I'm just going topee in the corner.
I'm like, go ahead.
I'm subbing for theteacher, not the janitor.
Why don't you pee inall four corners, man?
In fact, why don't youleave a little something
in the teacher's desk, huh?
Kind of a welcome back present.
Never taught summerschool, though.
I never understood theconcept of summer school.
Teacher's going to go upthere and go, OK, class,
you know that subject youcouldn't grasp in nine months?
We're going to whipit out in six weeks.
Five hours a day of geometry.
Had sex with a woman recently.
Thank you for believing me.
I had sex with a woman.
Took out the boxof condoms, right?
She takes the box frommy hand, looks at it,
and goes, hey,Todd, good choice.
Now, I didn't expecther to be a virgin,
but this is no timeto show brand loyalty.
You know what I mean?
I was waiting for her tobreak into a testimonial
Todd, let me tellyou a little bit
about the condom you selected.
That's a Trojan lubricatedwith a reservoir tip.
I think it's the bestcondom made, Todd.
And I should know,because I sleep
with thousands ofguys every year.
And what is the dealwith reservoir tip, huh?
Reservoir-- is that alittle grandiose term
for a 1/4 inch plastic bubble.
It's like, oh, honey-- honey,I hope it doesn't break.
I don't want to contaminatethe groundwater.
Thank you very much, folks.
What a dirty,rotten, filthy place.
You know what I'm talkingabout-- Jews, Jews, Jews, Jews,
Oh , it's OK.
I can say that,because I'm a racist.
Hey, everybody, it's OK.
Don't worry about it.
No, I'm not a racist.
I-- actually, mygirlfriend right now she's
one quarter Cherokee Indian.
Her name is Partly Cloudy.
And that's partly funny.
I'm sorry about thatlast joke, but--
You know, I think the key toany successful relationship,
of course-- keepingthe sex fresh.
Some of you?
Like I said to herthe other night,
let's do some sexualrole playing, you know?
Like you pretendto be the hostess
of some big dinner party.
I'll pretend to be the kidfrom the local high school
you hired to be the bartender.
So I made a pass at her.
She had her husbandbeat the hell out of me.
That didn't work out so well.
I don't think shelove me, actually.
I think she's just havingsex with me for the exercise.
You know, so when she meetsa guy she's in love with,
she's still in good shape.
Well, here's was a clue.
You know, we'redoing it, and all I'm
hearing is "oh Chuck, more,and four more, and three more,
and two more, and don't forgetto breathe, three, four.
Feel the burn.
Hey, I'm only one man up here.
because I just found outthat he's in therapy, which
apparently is commonpractice, right?
All psychiatristssee a psychiatrists.
So the most neuroticportion of the population
is in charge of mental health.
Why do I waste mytime and money, folks?
I mean, if my car breaksdown, I call a tow truck.
I don't look for anotherstranded motorist.
Form a support group.
Welcome to Jump Starts.
Back it on in.
We can help you.
Truthfully, I should have knowmy shrink was a little crazy,
because the first sessionhe says to me, Chuck, you
shouldn't live inthe past, because you
could die from smallpox.
If you've never been intherapy, here's what it's like.
You go to thistiny little office.
Pay the guy a fortune.
He says one thingevery three months.
It's completely disturbing.
Last time my shrinks spoke,he was like, Chuck, you desire
sexual relationswith your mother.
I said, I would have paidyou not to tell me that.
A lot of money, but--
But I commit the perfect crime,and you'll appreciate this
if you've ever been in therapy.
Perfect crime-- Istopped paying my shrink.
He took me to court.
I pleaded insanity.
Yeah, he had to testifyas my expert witness.
So that was an added bonus.
And lost $1,500 playing craps.
I was pretty annoyed,but think about it.
I should'nt havebeen too surprised.
I was playing agame called "craps."
Did I expect tohave a good time?
I think the lottery could takea lesson from craps, right?
Because doesn't the lotteryhave pretty unrealistic names
for those tickets--Mass Millions,
Fast Cash, The Winner's Circle.
I mean, how about a morereal name for a ticket,
like Fat Chance?
You know, or LoseYour Insulin Money?
Play and lose today!
Try our new game Tax the Poor.
I mean, I say callit what it is.
One time I wasplaying the lottery.
I did that quickpick thing, where
the machine picks outyour number for you.
I really felt like a moron.
I mean talk about notbeing a self-starter.
If I can't think offive numbers on my own,
I should be fired from life.
That day God should justpush the clouds back.
Yeah, hi, Chuck.
This is God.
I've been going over your file.
Been a mistake-- you weresupposed to be a chimp.
Yeah, I'm going tosend you there now.
You'll like it better.
There are fewer choices.
All you do is eatbananas, have sex, which,
come to think of it,is what most of us
would do if we won the lottery,so-- I gotta go, folks.