New Jersey

  • Season 3, Ep 1
  • 09/01/2015

Thaddeus Lowe is a Civil War hot air balloon spy, two paleontologists fight over dinosaur bones, and Arno Penzias and Robert Wilson hear the universe speaking to them.

I mean,I didn't do myself any favors.

I really just made this drink.

It's know.

[both laugh]

Let's talk about outer space.

Hello, I'm Jenny Slate,

and todaywe're going to talk

about Arno Penziasand Robert Wilson

and their beautifulcosmic discovery.

This is my dog's...

uh, penis,

and then I've alsohad his balls removed.

- Aw, shame, shame.- Reggie.

"Give me back my balls."You can't have 'em.

I took them away!

But I have a full vagina.[laughs]

[clicks tongue]

In 1960,

Bell Labs made this, like,giant listening device for NASA.

But then, by the timethey were ready to use it,

a better thing had been built.

So then it was just, like,by itself,

all by itself in New Jersey.

A lonely horn.[sighs]

But two scientists,

Arno Penzias and Robert Wilson,

they were like, oh, whoa, whoa!

Hold on, hold on!

If no one's using that,could we use it?

They were like,come on down to the horn.

So they get to the horn.

They're like, we are beautifulscientists with lovely minds,

and we want to listento the sounds between the stars.

Boink.They're like, let's go, babe!

Let's listen up![laughs]

Oh, God, I love thinking of themcalling each other "babe."

So they listen,and the sound

is a hundred times louder

than any soundthey expected to hear.

It's like[imitates static].

The universe is like...[imitates static]

Find out about me![imitates static]

So they were like,

what is this darn sound?


It's coming from everywherein the sky at once.

Everywhere, everywhere,everywhere.

[imitates static]

And then they were like, no.

There's no way a sound couldcome from everywhere at once,

so we have to eliminateall the other sounds

that might be,like, interfering.

So first they thought maybe--

Someone doesn't careabout science.

They were like, it must becoming from, you know, New York.

Urban interference, you know.

New York is a citywith buildings and lights

and people and subwayand blah, blah, blah.

So they were like,point it there.


Pointed the hornat New York City.

No, that's notwhat we were hearing.

Forget about you, New York.

Maybe it's comingfrom a military base nearby.

And then they just, like,point it at the military bases,

but they didn't hear that noisecoming from there.

No, it isn't it.[laughs]

So then they were like,okay, next.

Maybe it's from the sun.

They point it at the sun,and the sun was like,

I'm just the sun.I don't give a [bleep].

They were like,it's not the sun.

What the funk is this, man?

And then they were like,we should check our device.

What if there's somethinginside of this thing,

like, you know,mold or a skeleton...

of a hobo that crawled in thereto get shelter?

[laughing]Or whatever.

They look inside the horn.Guess what.

This [bleep] thingis filled with pigeons.

Houston, we do have a problem,and it's pigeons.

[both laugh]

Arno is like,you do it, Robert.

You [bleep] kill them.

Robert's like,I don't want to do it.

You do it.


Guess what they did.

They shot them with a gun.

A shotgun.

Then they were like,well, that'll do it.


After they've wipedthe bird blood

off of their hands,

they're both like,R.I.P. these pigeons.

Let's do this.

Boink.They start to listen.

They're like, oh, [bleep].

[imitates static]

They hear it again.

What the hunk is thisright now?

[both laugh]

They don't have the answer.

They don't know what to do.

They listen through the hornfor years.

They're goingthrough their papers,

their papers, their papers.

Ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh,I can't get it.

Ugh, ugh,there's nothing here.

Ugh.This one's boring.

Ugh, this isin another language.

Just being like, we're nevergonna figure this out.

Finally, they find a studydone by a scientist

whose name is Dicke.


He had this crackpot theorythat the universe,

instead of being infinite,actually started at some point.

Dicke's like,13.8 billion years ago,

aka old as [bleep].


Check your watch.

I think the universe started

with, like, a crazy explosion,aka the Big Bang.

But they had no way to prove it.

Then these two guysfrom New Jersey

who have been listening to this[bleep] pigeon [bleep] horn...


Call him up, they're like,we hear this thing.

It's like[imitates static].

Have you ever heard of thatbefore?

He's like, oh, my God.

That's it.

This iswhat we've been studying.

Cosmic microwave.

[sighs]What is that word?

What is the word?

We know it.What is it?

Cosmic microwavebackground radiation.

[triumphant music]- Okay?

It's the sound of microwaves

from the Big Bang.

[imitates static]

And they were like,yeah, that's it!

This is it!We got it! We got it!

This is basically the soundof the Big Bang.

They wanted to tryto find anything,

but what they foundwas the sound of everything.


I had to unfollow NASAon Instagram

'cause it made me too crazay!

It would just be like,

this is a pictureof a [bleep] black hole!

And I was like, aah!


Okay, let me tell you this.

Penzias and Wilsonget the Nobel Prize for physics.

Everyone [bleep] flips out,and they were like,

yes, the Big Bang is real.

It happened.It's real.

You guys did it.

Penzias and, um...and, uh...

Oh, [bleep].The other guy.

I just keep thinkingof Winslow...

[laughing] But I knowthat's from Family Matters.



Carl Winslowdiscovered the Big Bang.

Derek, what this is right here,

this is the sound of the echo

of the universebeing created.

[imitates static]

Suck on thatfor a second.

See how you like it.

Just for a second.

The universe is like,just suck on it for a second.

[both laugh]

(Jenny)I'm the [bleep] universe.

Suck on it for a second.

[patriotic music]

You did all that in one?Tess!

'Cause we're on camera.

- Mmm!- It's delicious. [giggles]

- Oh, giving me more--oh.- Oh, [bleep].

- Bless your sweet heart.- Oh, [bleep].

You put so much morein mine.

I did.

Doesn't have a cork.

You only need a corkif you're not gonna finish it.

Hello, I'm Tess Lynch,

and today we're gonna talk

about the Union Balloon Corps.

[Derek laughs]

(Tess)So it's a weekinto the Civil War.

Thaddeus Lowe is a balloonist.

He's airbornein Hoboken, New Jersey,

and he's like, [bleep] yes.Like, aah!

And everything seems great,until, oh, boom.

Winds hit.

Whoo!And it's like, [bleep].

[bleep] winds, you know?

But, like, the winds?They don't care.

The winds don't care.

They're like,we're gonna have you land

wherever the [bleep]we want you to land.


(Tess)And all of a sudden,

he finds himself blowninto South Carolina,

like, right in the middleof Confederate territory.

Are you serious?

So he was like, boom,

blown into the handsof the Confederate mob.

So they freak,and they're like, whoa.

Are you a Yankee spy?

What's your deal?

And he's just like,what the [bleep] do I do?

So he has all these paperswith him

that basically are like,Thaddeus Lowe,

important balloon person.

And they're like,you know what?

You seem like a cool dude.

You can go.

And he leaves.

Okay, one second.

This is the funnest job ever.

[both laugh]

Okay, so basically,

he's just like, I don't thinkthis is working out for me.

The winds keep taking me

into, like, the worst,[bleep] neighborhoods.

Like, I'm done with this.

Um. My name is Mark Proksch.

and today we are gonna talkabout the Bone Wars.


A lot of people know this.

The first dinosaurwasn't discovered

until the mid-19th century.

This createdkind of a new science.

Two of the first paleontologists

were Othniel Marshand Edward Cope.

Cope discovers this greatdiscovery in New Jersery.

New Jersery--not a place.

New Jersey!

The first dinosaurthat's nearly complete.

And so the lar--

And so Marsh gets there,

and they tour around.

It's like, hey, Cope.

You're a great guy.

Love you.Thank you so much.

You're awesome.

And then he goesto the owners of this site

and says, listen, buddies,here's my dollars.

Dollars good in the eyeof the federal government.

If you findany more dinosaur bones,

don't send them to Cope.

Send them to me.

And they do that.

Cope finds out about thisand becomes infuriated.

You were my friend.

I let you come see this site.

Why would you do that to me?

Marsh says, listen.

If I can make this work for me,then bully to me.

That's what I'm all ab--


All about.

And so Copethen breaks into Marsh's sites

and starts pillagingand stealing.

Marsh finds out about this.

[bleep] livid.

What the F?

What do you thinkyou're doing, mister man?

You're not--why would you--

And Cope is like, listen.

This is the game we're playing.

I was here.

I found these bones.

Just 'cause you're not here yetdoesn't mean nothing to me.



[both laugh]