Bagg, Koplitz, Rubin, Lee

  • Season 4, Ep 0404
  • 12/03/2000

WELL, IT'S GOOD TO BE HERE

TONIGHT.

I FEEL A LITTLE BIT GUILTY

BECAUSE I HAD TO LEAVE MY LITTLE

CHIHUAHUA AT HOME.

POOR LITTLE CHIHUAHUA.

I FEEL BAD FOR DOGS.

THEY'RE LIKE THE ONLY ANIMAL YOU

KNOW ABOUT THAT GETS SICK, HUH?

THEIR LITTLE NOSES GET DRY.

"OH, YOUR DOG'S SICK."

THEY WHEEZE.

THEY COUGH.

THEY MOPE AROUND THE HOUSE.

YOU NEVER HEARD ABOUT, LIKE,

ANY OTHER ANIMALS GETTING SICK.

YOU KNOW, YOU NEVER HEAR AN OWL

UP IN THE TREE COUGHING AND

WHEEZING LIKE...

(IMITATING OWL

WHOOING AND COUGHING)

(LAUGHTER)

ANY OWL LOVERS HERE?

>> AUDIENCE MEMBER: WHOO!

>> HARLAN: YOU LOVE A GOOD OWL,

DO YOU, SIR?

WHAT?

YOU PERVERT.

WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE OWL, BUDDY?

>> AUDIENCE MEMBER: A HOOTER!

>> HARLAN: A HOOTER?

(LAUGHTER)

MY FAVORITE OWL IS A BEAUTIFUL

SNOWY OWL.

THIS IS MY IMPRESSION OF

THE SNOWY OWL.

(IMITATING OWL WHOOING)

"(BLEEP), IT'S COLD."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I GOT A HUGE HEAD.

I KNOW YOU GUYS ARE PROBABLY

LOOKING AT IT.

THIS HUGE HEAD, ONE OF THE

BIGGER HEADS YOU'LL SEE ON

THE SHOW TONIGHT.

I'M GONNA BE HONEST WITH YA.

IT'S A HUGE HEAD.

I KNOW IT'S A BIG HEAD 'CAUSE

EVERY TIME I'M IN A PICTURE,

IT ALWAYS LOOKS LIKE I'M REALLY

CLOSE TO THE CAMERA AND

EVERYBODY ELSE IS FAR AWAY.

I'VE RUINED MANY A CHRISTMAS

WITH THIS HEAD, LET ME TELL YOU.

THESE PEOPLE ON THIS SIDE OF

THE ROOM CANNOT SEE THE BAND

RIGHT NOW.

ALL RIGHT.

YOU EVER GO ON THE INTERNET

THERE, GET ALL LIQUORED UP

AND TAKE PICTURES OF YOUR BALLS

AND SEND 'EM TO PEOPLE?

(APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER)

HUH?

HEY?

HUH?

THAT IS THE INFORMATION

SUPERHIGHWAY RIGHT THERE,

MY FRIEND.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO LEAVE YOUR BED

ANYMORE TO FLASH YOUR GRANDMA.

(LAUGHTER)

"MERRY CHRISTMAS, OLD LADY."

BLINK.

"IAN IS GETTING SO BIG."

(LAUGHTER)

OH, THAT IS TERRIBLE.

THAT'LL NEVER MAKE HER IN.

OKAY.

SO, YEAH, I'M ORIGINALLY

FROM CANADA.

CANADA'S LIKE AMERICA'S YOUNGER

BROTHER.

WE JUST HANG OUT ABOVE YOU GUYS.

WE'RE JUST UP THERE.

"HEY!

WHAT YOU GUYS DOING DOWN THERE?"

"WE'RE GOING TO WAR."

(GASPS)

"CAN WE COME?"

(LAUGHTER)

MY PARENTS WON'T COME VISIT ME

DOWN HERE IN CALIFORNIA BECAUSE

MY PARENTS THINK THAT THEIR

KIDNEYS ARE GONNA GET STOLEN.

YEAH.

MY DAD READ ABOUT IT IN A

"READER'S DIGEST," ABOUT THIS

GUY THAT WENT TO A PARTY,

DID SOME COCAINE, AND THEN HE

PASSED OUT.

AND HE WOKE UP IN THE MORNING

AND HIS KIDNEYS WERE GONE.

I'M LIKE, "FIRST OF ALL, DAD,

WHO PASSES OUT ON COCAINE?

SECOND OF ALL, YOU'RE 70.

WHAT PARTIES ARE YOU GOING TO?

TAKE A NIGHT OFF, HEFF."

OH, YEAH.

I WAS IN A TORNADO NOT TOO LONG

AGO.

HAS ANYBODY EVER BEEN IN A

TORNADO?

(SCATTERED APPLAUSE)

THAT IS WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE

FOR ONE ROOM.

IT'S, LIKE, 18 PEOPLE.

"OH, YEAH."

THAT IS SO WRONG.

I READ A STORY ABOUT A DOG THAT

WAS IN THE SAME TORNADO AS ME.

I FELT BAD FOR THIS DOG--

RIGHT?--

BECAUSE THE DOG GOT PICKED UP

BY THE TORNADO AND GOT THROWN

125 FEET.

AND HE SURVIVED WHEN HE LANDED

IN A TREE.

YEAH.

I FELT BAD FOR THAT DOG,

YOU KNOW?

'CAUSE DOGS DON'T KNOW ANYTHING

ABOUT WEATHER PATTERNS.

SO FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE,

THAT DOG IS GONNA THINK HE HAS

SUPERPOWERS.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

IS ANYBODY IN A CULT?

(LAUGHTER)

THE PROBLEM IS, YOU NEVER KNOW

IF YOU'RE IN A CULT UNTIL

THE LAST 10 MINUTES.

JUST ONE AFTERNOON,

YOU'RE CUTTING OFF YOUR BALLS.

"HOLY CRAP.

I MIGHT BE IN A CULT."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I WAS IN LAS VEGAS LAST WEEK

SEEING THE BAND, AND THEY ARE

FANTASTIC.

I STAYED AT A--

I STAYED AT A CRAPPY HOTEL.

I STAYED AT THE--

I STAYED AT THE LUXOR.

YOU EVER STAY THERE?

IT'S A CRAPPY HOTEL.

IT'S A PYRAMID.

YOU CAN'T EVEN KILL YOURSELF

AFTER YOU LOSE ALL YOUR MONEY.

YOU JUMP OUT YOUR WINDOW,

YOU JUST SLIDE DOWN.

THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS.

(LAUGHTER)

I USED TO HAVE A GIRLFRIEND.

YOU EVER DO ANYTHING SPECIAL

FOR YOUR GIRLFRIEND THERE, GUYS?

YOU EVER DO ANYTHING SPECIAL?

YOU LIKE GIRLS HERE AT ALL?

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS)

I GUESS YOU JUST DON'T HAVE

GIRLS.

THAT'S WHY NOBODY ANSWERED.

"IF I GET ONE, I'LL DO SOMETHING

SPECIAL."

I DID SOMETHING SPECIAL.

I SHAVED MY BIKINI LINE.

THAT'S WHAT I DID FOR MY

GIRLFRIEND.

YES, AND I LOOKED GOOD DOWN

BY THE POOL.

MISTAKE.

'CAUSE I'M COMPLETELY COVERED IN

HAIR, SO NOW I JUST HAVE THESE

TWO BALD PATCHES RIGHT HERE.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I LOOKED LIKE AN AIRPORT

IN THE MIDDLE OF A FOREST,

FOR CRAP'S SAKES.

YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN A LOT OF FUN.

HI.

I'M A TOTAL IDIOT.

I CAN'T EVEN--

YOU GUYS ARE SO HAPPY.

I'M FROM NEW YORK, SO IT'S WEIRD

TO SEE PEOPLE SO HAPPY.

BUT LOOK AT HER.

OH, MY GOD.

YOU'RE LIKE SIZE ZERO,

LOS ANGELES, SKINNY LITTLE--

LOOK AT HER.

THEY GIVE YOU THAT SKINNY BITCHY

FACE RIGHT AWAY.

YOU NOTICE THAT?

(LAUGHTER)

NO.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

HERE'S THE THING.

I'M PICKING ON YOU BECAUSE--

HERE'S THE THING.

I LOST A LOT OF WEIGHT.

I LOST 35 POUNDS THIS YEAR.

ISN'T THAT GREAT?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THANK YOU.

I LOVE LOS ANGELES CROWDS.

YOU'RE ALL LOOKING AT ME LIKE,

"YOU KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK."

NO.

BUT HERE'S THE THING.

SO I HAD TO LOSE WEIGHT.

SO I LOSE THE WEIGHT; RIGHT?

AND I DYE MY HAIR WHATEVER COLOR

THIS IS.

I DON'T KNOW.

PEOPLE START TELLING ME

I RESEMBLE CINDY CRAWFORD.

ISN'T THAT NICE?

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR LOOKING AT

ME IN THE FRONT LIKE, "DON'T SEE

IT."

NO, BUT IT'S NOT A COMPLIMENT;

RIGHT?

'CAUSE IF I DO LOOK LIKE HER,

IT MEANS I JUST KIND OF RESEMBLE

HER, WHICH MEANS I'M THE

CINDY CRAWFORD YOU CAN GET.

RIGHT?

I'M LIKE THE KNOCKOUT,

TARGET VERSION OF CINDY.

LIKE THAT IMPOSTER'S COLOGNE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT?

LIKE, "IF YOU LIKE POISON,

YOU'LL LOVE ARSENIC."

(LAUGHTER)

AND THE BEST PART ABOUT LOSING

WEIGHT, THOUGH-- HERE'S THE BEST

PART.

YOU GET TO UPGRADE YOUR

UNDERWEAR.

GIRLS, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING

ABOUT?

YOU DON'T KNOW, SIZE ZERO.

'CAUSE SHE DOESN'T EVEN WEAR

UNDERWEAR; RIGHT?

YOU JUST PUT A STRING UP YOUR

BOOTY AND CALL IT PANTIES.

(LAUGHTER)

NO.

BUT WHEN YOU'RE LIKE ME--

A COUPLE OF MONTHS AGO I'M

SITTING WITH ONE OF MY

GIRLFRIENDS AND SHE'S KIND OF

LOOKING AT ME FUNNY.

I'M WEARING A PAIR OF, LIKE,

LOW-RIDER JEANS.

AND SHE'S LIKE, "LYNN, DO YOU

WEAR A BACK BRACE?"

"THAT WOULD BE MY GRANNY

PANTIES."

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT?

GIRLS KNOW.

IT'S THAT GIGANTIC WHITE COTTON

UNDERWEAR THAT COMES UP TO HERE.

IT COMES IN A BAG OF 4 STAPLED

TO A BAG OF CORN CHIPS.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

IF I EVER GO ON "SURVIVOR,"

I'M TAKING A BAG OF THAT

UNDERWEAR WITH ME; RIGHT?

IF ANYTHING HAPPENS, I COULD

SEW THAT MESS TOGETHER,

SAIL OFF THE ISLAND, USE IT TO

CARRY FISH, DRAIN RICE.

PEOPLE WOULD BE LIKE,

"I'M FORMING ALLIANCE WITH

THE FAT-ASS GIRL.

SHE'S GOT THOSE PANTIES BURIED

ALL OVER THE ISLAND."

SO HERE'S THE TH

I GRAB A PAIR OF PANTY HOSE

THE OTHER DAY.

LADIES, YOU CAN RELATE,

ESPECIALLY THE TALL WOMEN IN

THE AUDIENCE.

AND SOMETHING HAPPENED.

BUT I HAD NO CROTCH EXPANSION

ALL DAY.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING

ABOUT?

THE WOMEN ARE GIGGLING.

LOOK AT THE MEN.

IT'S A SEA OF FACES LOOKING

AT ME LIKE, "CROTCH.

SOUNDS GOOD.

(LAUGHTER)

EXPANSION.

I'M INTERESTED.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT SHE'S TALKING

ABOUT, BUT I'M ALERT."

IT'S NOT GOOD; RIGHT, GIRLS?

IT'S WHEN YOUR PANTY HOSE DON'T

FIT RIGHT, SO THE CROTCH ONLY

COMES TO HERE; RIGHT?

FOR SOME PSYCHO REASON,'

I WORE 'EM ANYWAY.

SO I SPEND THE WHOLE DAY WITH

MY LEGS SNAPPING BACK TOGETHER.

I LOOK LIKE I'LL IN A HURRY

EVERYWHERE I'M GOING.

"HERE I AM."

THAT WAS FUN.

THAT WAS LIKE "LORD OF

THE HOSE."

AND THEN I GRABBED--

THIS IS THE WORST PART--

I GRAB A BRA.

THIS IS SAD, 'CAUSE MY MOTHER'S

HOME IN VIRGINIA RIGHT NOW

GOING, "NO, NO.

PLEASE DON'T TALK ABOUT THIS."

I GRAB A BRA THAT MUST HAVE BEEN

FROM GRADE SCHOOL, 'CAUSE I HAD

QUADRO-BOOB ALL DAY.

YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS?

(LAUGHTER)

AGAIN, THE WOMEN GIGGLE

AND THE MEN LOOK AT ME.

RIGHT IN THE FRONT.

"QUADRO?

THAT'S 4!

4 BOOBIES!

I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS,

BUT I KNOW IT CAN'T BE BAD,

DUDE."

IT'S BAD; RIGHT, LADIES?

YOUR BRA'S TOO TIGHT, SO YOU

HAVE TWO NORMAL-SIZED BREASTS

AND THEN TWO LITTLE

POPPING-FRESH ONES.

KIND OF SQUEEZE OUT THE TOP,

RIDE PIGGYBACK ON THE BIGGINS.

THANK YOU!

I HAD A WEIRD DAY TODAY.

YOU EVER WALKING DOWN THE STREET

AND YOU SEE SOME GUY YOU KIND OF

KNOW, AND YOU DON'T WANT TO SAY

HI.

BUT YOU SORT OF HAVE TO,

'CAUSE IT'S YOUR DAD?

EVER HAPPEN?

HE WORKS FOR THE AIRLINES.

I'M AFRAID TO FLY.

WHENEVER YOU TELL SOMEONE YOU'RE

AFRAID TO FLY, THEY'RE LIKE,

"YOU KNOW, IT'S THE SAFEST WAY

TO TRAVEL."

"REALLY?

I THINK WALKING BEATS IT.

(LAUGHTER)

I'VE NEVER BEEN WALKING ALONG,

JUST BURST INTO FLAMES

AND THEN FELL 20,000 FEET.

MAYBE IT'S JUST THE WAY THAT

I WALK, THOUGH.

MAYBE I'M A REAL CAREFUL WALKER

ON THE CLOUDS."

I WAS WATCHING THIS DOCUMENTARY

ABOUT THE WRIGHT BROTHERS,

THE FIRST GUYS THAT EVER FLEW.

CAN YOU IMAGINE THE

ANNOUNCEMENTS ON THOSE PLANES?

"THIS IS FLIGHT NUMBER 7,

NONSTOP SERVICE TO THAT TREE

OVER THERE.

WE'LL BE FLYING AT AN ALTITUDE

OF 8 FEET.

THE WEATHER OVER--

OH, YOU CAN SEE IT.

THE MOVIE--

OH, IT'S OVER."

I WISH I WAS BLACK, YOU GUYS.

(LAUGHTER)

I'M TOO WHITE.

I'M SO WHITE, I CAN'T HELP BUT

CATCH A CAB.

THEY, LIKE, FOLLOW ME PLACES.

IT'D BE LIKE, "HEY, I'M TRYING

TO WALK HERE."

LIKE, "YOU'LL GET TIRED.

GET IN."

BLACK GUYS HAVE THE COOLEST

LINES.

THEY HAVE LIKE, "YO.

ONCE YOU GO BLACK, YOU NEVER GO

BACK."

WHAT DO WHITE GUYS GET TO SAY?

IT'S LIKE "HEY, ONCE YOU GO

WHITE, YOU JUST DON'T FEEL SO

GOOD."

(LAUGHTER)

KIND OF NAUSEOUS.

WHY DO BLACK GUYS ALWAYS WANT TO

"TEAR THAT ASS UP"?

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

WHAT?

THERE'S ALREADY A CRACK IN IT.

HOW MUCH MORE ARE THEY GONNA

RIP?

COME ON.

EVERYBODY.

I WISH I WAS TOUGH, YOU KNOW?

I GOT KICKED OUT OF THE ARMY.

I WAS IN THE ARMY, LIKE, A WEEK.

THEY WERE DOING ALL THESE

EXERCISES.

THEY SAID, "JORDAN, GO OVER

AND MAKE THE FORT SECURE."

I'M LIKE, "I LOVE YOU, FORT.

YOU'RE A GOOD FORT.

EVERYBODY CARES ABOUT YOU.

TELLING THE FORTS ABOUT YOU."

YOU EVER SMILE AT SOMEONE ON THE

STREET JUST 'CAUSE THEY'RE OLD?

IT'S LIKE...

"AH, YOU MADE IT."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

THAT'S NOT RIGHT.

OH.

YOU EVER SEE AN ANTI-DRUG

COMMERCIAL WHEN YOU'RE ALREADY

STONED?

I WAS WATCHING TV.

THEY WERE LIKE, "THIS IS YOUR

BRAIN ON DRUGS.

ANY QUESTIONS?"

"UH, YEAH.

WHY DOES MY BRAIN LOOK LIKE

EGGS?

(LAUGHTER)

I WANT SOME EGGS."

SOMEONE TOLD ME WHEN THEY MADE

THE MOVIE "STAR WARS" THAT

THE ENTIRE CAST AND CREW WAS ON

DRUGS.

IT WAS THE '70s, AND THEY HAD

SOME WILD TIMES BACK THEN OR

SOMETHING.

THAT KIND OF SEEMS TO MAKE

SENSE.

CAN YOU IMAGINE A WRITERS'

MEETING FOR THE MOVIE

"STAR WARS"?

"OKAY.

DIG THIS, MAN.

HIS NAME'S CHEWBACA.

HE'S A WOOKIE.

'AGHHHH.'

(LAUGHTER)

THOSE ARE HIS LINES.

WRITE THAT DOWN.

'AGHHHH.'

SPELL IT RIGHT."

WOOKIES.

I DON'T MIND FAT PEOPLE.

I JUST DON'T LIKE FAT PEOPLE

THAT TRY TO PRETEND ONLY ONE

PART OF THEIR BODY'S FAT.

LIKE, MY AUNT SARA'S LIKE THAT.

I'LL BE LIKE, "HEY, AUNT SARA.

YOU WANT A PIECE OF THIS CAKE?"

SHE'LL BE, "I CAN'T HAVE THAT

CAKE.

IT'LL GO STRAIGHT TO MY HIPS."

"REALLY? WELL, IT SEEMS TO MAKE

A PIT STOP ON YOUR ASS AND BACK.

CHECK OUT THE TRAJECTORY OF THAT

CAKE THERE."

YOU KNOW WHAT I LIKE ABOUT

WOMEN?

WOMEN HAVE A G-SPOT.

YOU GOT TO FIND THEIR G-SPOT.

IT'S LIKE AN EASTER EGG HUNT.

I FOUND MY G-SPOT.

IT'S MY PENIS.

(LAUGHTER)

IF YOU TOUCH ANYWHERE NEAR THAT

SPOT...

YOU GUYS ARE AWESOME.

THANKS.

PEACE!

CALIFORNIA, AND A--

YAAH!

I HATE GOING DOWN THERE 'CAUSE

I HATE HANGING OUT WITH MY LOSER

FRIENDS.

MAN, THEY'RE LOSERS.

I HAVE THIS ONE FRIEND.

I THINK HE'S GAY 'CAUSE HE GETS

DRUNK AND HE ALWAYS WANTS TO

WRESTLE.

"DUDE, LET'S WRESTLE.

I'M THE ROCK!"

"YOU'RE 5'4" AND JAPANESE.

YOU'RE LIKE THE PEBBLE."

AND WHEN HE'S PINNING ME,

HE'S PINNING ME FOR TOO LONG.

"I'M PINNING YOU, DUDE.

I'M FRIGGIN' PINNING YA.

I'M PINNING YOU, DUDE.

I'M PINNING YA."

"IT'S BEEN 4 MINUTES."

"I'M THE ROCK."

"YOU ARE THE ROCK.

GET OFF ME."

"I LOVE YOU, DUDE."

(LAUGHTER)

I HATE TOUCHY-FEELY PEOPLE, MAN.

GIVE ME A HUG, SLAP MY HAND,

BUT DON'T FONDLE ME.

I WAS IN TEXAS.

I GET OFF STAGE AND THIS DRUNK

MEXICAN DUDE WALKS UP TO ME.

HE LIKED ME A LITTLE TOO MUCH.

HE WALKED UP.

"HEY, CHINO.

HEY, CHINO."

PUT ME IN A HEADLOCK.

"CHINO."

"I'M KOREAN."

"TODAY YOU ARE CHINO."

I THINK HE THOUGHT I WAS MEXICAN

BUT WITH DOWN'S SYNDROME OR

SOMETHING, YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE

I GOT PITY LAUGHS.

"HEY, LAUGH.

HE'S HANDICAPPED.

LAUGH."

(LAUGHTER)

I HATE TEXAS BECAUSE EVERYONE

REFERS TO HOW SMALL I AM THERE.

"HOW YOU DOING THERE,

LITTLE FELLA?

LOOK, HONEY.

IT'S ONE OF THEM POKEMONS.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

LET'S TAKE HIM HOME AND PUT HIM

ON THE MANTEL.

COME ON.

AH

SO I'M IN SAN DIEGO.

I HAVE TO HANG OUT WITH

MY FOLKS.

AND I LOVE MY PARENTS,

BUT THEY'RE BUMMED I'M DOING

STAND-UP COMEDY.

YOU KNOW?

MY DAD CAME TO THIS COUNTRY

SO I COULD BE A DOCTOR/LAWYER,

NOT THIS.

MY DAD DIDN'T WAKE UP ONE DAY.

"LET'S SEE, DOCTOR, LAWYER OR

CLOWN.

I DON'T KNOW.

MAYBE CLOWN.

HE CAN WEAR A BIG RED NOSE."

(LAUGHTER)

AND HE'S HONEST.

HE GETS DRUNK.

"YOU NOT FUNNY."

(LAUGHTER)

"OH, NO.

YOU NOT FUNNY.

I HAVE A JOKE FOR YOU.

KNOCK-KNOCK."

"WHO'S THERE, DAD?"

"YOU NOT FUNNY."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

"DO YOU KNOW WHY THE CHICKEN

CROSSED THE ROAD, DUDE?"

"WHY, DAD?"

"YOU'RE TELLING JOKES ON HIS

SIDE."

(LAUGHTER)

"CHICKENS GONNA HAVE TO GET

THE HELL OUT OF HERE."

"CHICKENS CAN'T TALK."

"YOU TALK, CHICKEN BOY."

(LAUGHTER)

I REMEMBER MY FIRST JOB.

IT WAS SELLING CORN ON THE SIDE

OF THE ROAD.

I HAD A CORN STAND IN ESCONDIDO,

CALIFORNIA.

(AUDIENCE MEMBER YELLS OUT)

MY DAD HOOKED ME UP WITH THAT

JOB.

"THANKS, DAD."

I WAS SITTING IN MY ROOM,

MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS.

MY DAD WALKED IN.

"HEY, LOSER.

I GOT YOU A JOB-U."

I GO, "WHAT IS IT?"

"YOU'RE GONNA SELL A CORN

ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD."

I GO, "SCREW THAT."

"NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

SCREW YOU.

YOU'RE GONNA SELL CORN.

OR YOU'RE GOING TO DIE.

CORN OR DIE."

"ALL RIGHT.

CORN."

SO ONE WEEK I DIDN'T HAVE ANY

CUSTOMERS.

RIGHT?

SO I TOLD MY DAD.

I SAID, "HEY, DAD.

I DIDN'T HAVE ANY CUSTOMERS THIS

WEEK."

HE SAID, "DID YOU YELL 'CORN'"?

"DUDE, I'M NOT GONNA YELL

'CORN.'

I'VE GOT A STAND, A SIGN."

"YOU MUST YELL THE CORN.

THEY DON'T KNOW YOU'RE THERE.

THEY CAN'T SEE YOU."

"WHAT?

AM I A NINJA?"

SO I'M ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD.

SO ON THE ROAD OF THE ROAD,

PEOPLE GOING 55 MILES PER HOUR.

I'M GOING "CORN!

FRIGGIN' CORN!"

(LAUGHTER)

I'M THROWING CORN.

MY DAD'S ACROSS THE STREET.

"I CAN'T HEAR YOU, DUMB-DUMB."

THANK YOU VERY MUCH,

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