Kornfeld, Griffin, Dungey, Dunham

  • 01/10/2000

( cheering and applause )

( imitating Scooby Doo )

SOME OF Y'ALL DON'T KNOW NOTHING

ABOUT SCOOBY DOO, SEE?

I THINK THAT'S WHY WE SO CRAZY--

THE KIDS THAT GREW UPIN THE '70s.

I ALWAYS WONDERED,SCOOBY DOO WHAT? HMM?

SCOOBY SMOKE WEED.

HAVE YOU EVERBROKE SCOOBY DOO DOWN?

I MEAN, COME ON.

HE RODE AROUND IN A VANWITH THE FLOWERS ON THE SIDE

ON A SATURDAY MORNING

LOOKING FOR A HAUNTED HOUSE.

TELL ME THEY WASN'T HIGH.

HE HUNG AROUND WITH SHAGGY.

TELL ME SHAGGYDID NOT SMOKE WEED.

HIS NAME IS SHAGGY!

HE NEVER SHAVED.

HE WORE THE SAME BELL-BOTTOMSEVERY DAMN DAY.

YOU KNOW HE SMELLLIKE POPCORN, SHRIMP AND ASS.

THEY ALWAYS HAD THE MUNCHIES.

LIKE, SCOOB, IS THAT A SANDWICH?

( imitating Scooby Doo )

LIKE, IF YOU FIND A SANDWICHIN A HAUNTED HOUSE

YOU GOING TO EAT THE ( bleep )?

THEY WAS HIGH.

THEY WERE SO HIGH

THEY COULDN'T EVENFIGURE OUT THE MYSTERY.

THEY WAIT TILLTHE END OF THE CARTOON

TO PULL THE MASK OFF THE GUY,RIGHT?

OH, IT'S MR. CROWLEY.

YEAH, NO ( bleep ).

THE ONLY OTHER ONEIN THE CARTOON BUT Y'ALL.

CAN YOU TELL, LOOKING AT ME?

SERIOUSLY, YOU EVERHAVE A DAY LIKE THIS?

YOU EVER HAVE A DAY

WHERE YOU'RE FORCEDTO BE AROUND SOMEONE

THAT YOU JUST DON'T LIKE?

YOU START TO REALIZE THATTHEY DON'T LIKE YOU EITHER.

AND SUDDENLY,YOU SAY TO YOURSELF

WHY DID I MARRY THIS PERSON?

WHAT WAS I THINKING?

BECAUSE I HAD THAT DAY

FOR EIGHT YEARS, SIR.

2,940 OF THAT DAY.

I'M NO LONGER MARRIED NOW.

I'M SEPARATED NOW,LEGALLY AND SURGICALLY.

WE HAD MY WIFE'S HANDSREMOVED FROM MY THROAT

AND DIRECTLY ATTACHEDTO MY WALLET

IN ONE HANDY OPERATION, SEE?

THAT WORKED OUT'CAUSE SHE'S RIPPING ME OFF.

THAT'S WHY THAT'S SO FUNNY.

NO, LONGER, MAN.

I'M A BIG LOSER.

CAN YOU TELL, LOOKING AT ME?

YEAH, I'M LOSING ALL MY HAIR.

I'M LOSING ALL MY HAIR NOW.

AT LEAST I USEDTO BE DISGUISED AS A WINNER--

YOU HAD TO GET TO KNOW ME TOFIND OUT-- BUT NOW YOU SEE ME.

I'M LOSING ALL MY HAIR,BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GETTING?

A GUT.

IT'S HORRIBLE.

IT'S ALL I TALK ABOUT.

MY WIFE HATED IT SO MUCHTHAT SHE LEFT ME.

NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT,IN THE WEIRDEST WAY--

BY STAYING IN THE HOUSEAND KEEPING ALL OUR STUFF.

YOU KNOW,I NEVER THOUGHT OF MY WIFE

AS MUCH OF A HOUSEKEEPER

BUT HOW WRONG I WAS.

'CAUSE SHE KEPT MY HOUSE!

THAT'S A GOOD ONE.

EVERY TIME I DRIVE PAST IT,IT'S HORRIBLE.

I USED TO STAND IN THE MIRRORDOING THE WHOLE THING--

TRYING TO MAKE MY 20 HAIRSLOOK LIKE 25 WITH THE SPRAY

AND THE BRUSH-- AND MY WIFEWOULD STAND THERE, AND SHE GOES

"ALL YOU EVER TALK ABOUTIS YOUR HAIR AND YOUR GUT

"YOUR HAIR AND OUR GUT,YOUR HAIR AND YOUR GUT.

WHY, OH, WHY?"

WELL, MAYBE FAT AND BALD WERENOT LONG-TERM GOALS OF MINE.

I'M JUST GUESSING NOW BUT,MAYBE, AT THE AGE OF 11

THE LIST DIDN'T READ: ASTRONAUT;COWBOY; FAT, BALD LOSER.

HEY, THAT'S GOT MY NAMEWRITTEN ALL OVER IT!

DEAR LORD, I WANT TO BE

PEAR-SHAPED AND SHINY.

I WANT TO WOBBLE, AND I NEVERWANT TO FALL DOWN, LORD.

THAT'S MY DREAM.

MAKE IT A REALITY.

MY FAMILY REMOVEDTO READING, PENNSYLVANIA

TO BECOME ONE OF TWO JEWISHFAMILIES IN OUR ENTIRE ZIP CODE.

AH, THE FUN WE USED TO HAVE.

WE'D GET TOGETHER AND FLIP

TO SEE WHO WAS RESPONSIBLEFOR KILLING THE SAVIOR.

AND IT TURNED OUT IT WAS US.WHO KNEW?

TWO OUT OF THREE--TALK ABOUT A CROSS TO BEAR.

PUN INTENDED.

I WAS SCARED TO DEATH.

I THOUGHT ALLTHE KIDS AT SCHOOL

WERE GOING TO BEAT ME UP,WHICH IS ABSURD.

THEY COULDN'T ALL BEAT ME UP.

SOMEONE HAD TO HOLD ME DOWN.

IT WAS ALWAYS THAT SAME GIRLWITH THE EYE PATCH.

I HATED HER, 'CAUSE THE MINUTESHE WAS DONE WITH HER INHALER--

BOOM!-- SHE WAS BACK ON ME.

SHE SUCKED. SHE HAD TO.

SHE COULDN'T BREATHE.

BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT.

THIS IS: HERE I AM, SCARED TO GO TO SCHOOL

SCARED I'M GOINGTO GET MY ASS KICKED--

WHAT DOES MY MOM DO?

MY MOM PUTS MEIN TAP-DANCING CLASSES.

OH, WHAT BETTER WAY TO PROTECTMYSELF, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN?

A QUICK REENACTMENT:HEY, KORNFELD

I'M GOING TO KICK YOUR ASS.

I THINK NOT, MY FRIEND.

CERTAINLY NOT WHILEI'M SHUFFLING OFF TO BUFFALO.

NOW I'M NOT ONLY GETTING MY ASS KICKED.

I'M THE SPAZGETTING MY ASS KICKED.

TEACHERS AND NUNS ARE LINING UPTO BELT ME.

AND IT WAS DAMAGING.

NOW YOU KNOW WHAT MY MOM DOES?

SHE CALLS ME EVERY DAY.

I WAS MARRIEDFOR EIGHT HORRIBLE YEARS.

MY MOTHER CALLED ME EVERY DAY

'CAUSE I HADTHE LONGEST MARRIAGE

OF ANYONE IN MY FAMILY.

HOW SAD IS THAT?

MY MOM WOULD CALL EVERY DAY.

SHE'D GO LIKE THIS--

"IS EVERYTHING STILL ALL RIGHT?"

WHICH IS KIND OF INSULTING

'CAUSE I WAS MARRIEDEIGHT YEARS.

I HAD TWO KIDS.

"IS EVERYTHING STILL OKAY?"

LIKE,ONE DAY SHE'S GOING TO CALL

I'M GOING TO GO, NO, MOM.

THANK GOD YOU CALLED.

EVERYTHING'S ALL WRONG.

IT'S HORRIBLE.

COME AND PICK ME UP!

AND THAT'S HER DREAM--

THAT SHE'LL COME AND PICK ME UP

AND WE'LL SPEND THE RESTOF OUR LIVES TOGETHER

JUST TAP DANCING FROM ONE ROOMOF THE HOUSE TO ANOTHER.

HEY, MA, WHAT'S FOR SUPPER?

I MADE YOUR FAVORITES.

YOUR FAVORITES.

I SPENT THE ENTIRE DAY

LISTENING TO MY ROOMMATENAME THE WOMEN HE'D LIKE TO GET.

YEAH, I'D LIKE TO GET AHOLDOF THAT SHARON STONE, MAN.

CARMEN ELECTRA.

I'D LIKE TO GET AHOLDOF THAT MADONNA!

YEAH, I'M SURE MADONNAWOULD LOVE THAT, TOO, BILL.

WHAT IN THE HELLARE YOU GOING TO SHOW MADONNA

SHE HASN'T SEEN BEFORE?

A GUT?

YOUR VELCRO WALLET?

A COUPON?

NFL SHEETS?

BUT THAT'S IMPORTANT

FOR A GUY, YOU KNOW?

IT'S IMPORTANT FOR A GUYTO THINK HE CAN GET ANY WOMAN.

JUST AS IT'S IMPORTANTFOR A GUY TO THINK HE'S TOUGH.

THAT'S REALLY THE CRUXOF OUR EXISTENCE.

WE WANT TO BE FEARED BY MEN

AND LOVED BY MANY WOMEN.

WE WANT TO BE LESBIANS.

THAT'S RIGHT.

BIG, BUTCH,SEXUALLY ACTIVE LESBIANS.

WE CAN'T BE LESBIANS.

I LOOKED INTO IT.

IT'S A UNION THING.

SO SOME GUYS DOTHE NEXT-BEST THING--

THEY WORK OUT.

THEY FIGURE, OH, I'LL LOOK GOOD

AND I'LL BE ABLETO BEAT PEOPLE UP.

AND YOU'VE SEEN THE GUYS.

THE GUYS WHO WORK OUTA LITTLE TOO MUCH.

THEY'RE IN THE GYM.

THEY'RE ALWAYS THERE.

THEY'RE PUMPED UP.

THEY'RE WALKING AROUND.

THEY GOT THAT LOOKON THEIR FACE--

THAT REAL SERIOUS LOOK--

THAT "I WISH I WAS TALLER" LOOK.

THE THING I HATEABOUT THESE GUYS

IS THAT THEY'RE PREDICTABLE,YOU KNOW?

THEY'RE BIG, AND THEN THEY GOTTO WALK AROUND IN RIPPED SHIRTS

AND THEY GOT SOME TATTOOS--

SKULL AND CROSSBONES,BARBED WIRE.

OKAY.

WE GET IT.

YOU'RE BIG, YOU'RE MEAN

DADDY DIDN'T HUG YOU, WHATEVER.

I MEAN, IF YOU'RE THAT BIG--IF YOU CAN KICK ANYBODY'S ASS--

WHY WOULDN'T YOU HAVEA SENSE OF HUMOR ABOUT IT?

I'D GET A TATTOO--"I FEEL PRETTY."

I'D SKIP EVERYWHERE.

LOLLIPOP, BELLY SHIRT--I WOULDN'T GIVE A DAMN.

BUT WHENEVER YOU READ THEARTICLES ABOUT THE CELEBRITIES

THEY ALWAYSEXAGGERATE THEIR LIVES.

TRY TO MAKE THEMSEEM SO AMAZING.

HE WORKED THREE YEARSAS A DISHWASHER

BEFORE HE HIT IT BIG.

HEY, I WORKED THREE YEARSAS A DISHWASHER

BEFORE I BECAME A BUSBOY.

SOME OF THESE CELEBRITIES

AREN'T EVEN TALENTED.

SUPERMODELS?

GRANTED, THEY'RE HOT, BUT...

HOW CAN YOU NOT BE SUPERAT MODELING?

ALL YOU HAVE TO DOIS WALK AROUND IN NICE CLOTHES.

HELL, A HANGERCAN DO HALF THAT JOB.

YOU PUT A MANNEQUIN ON WHEELS

THESE CHICKSARE OUT OF BUSINESS.

AND WHAT SEPARATES THE MODELSFROM THE SUPERMODELS?

WHAT ARE THE MODELS DOING WRONG?

WHAT, DO THEY GETTO THE END OF THE RUNWAY

THEY KEEP GOING?

BUT EVERYONE WANTSTO LOOK LIKE THEM, YOU KNOW?

EVERYONE FIXES THEMSELVES UP,WANTS TO LOOK PERFECT--

THE FAKE BREASTS VERY POPULAR.

I DON'T KNOW WHY THEY GET THEM.

YOU WOMEN...

WELL, THE GUYS LIKE BIG BREASTS.

THE GUYS LOVE BIG BREASTS.

WHO CARES? SO WHAT?

IT'S NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY.

GUYS LIKE BEER, TOO.

WHY DON'T YOU HAVE A TAP PUT IN?

WELL, IT IMPROVES THE SEX LIFE.

THE BIG BREASTSIMPROVE THE SEX LIFE.

FOR WHOM?

A GUY TAKES YOUR SHIRT OFF,YOU GOT A PERFECT RACK?

IT'S JUST GOINGTO MAKE US FINISH QUICKER.

THAT'S RIGHT.

YEAH.

YOU WANT TO IMPROVE THE SEX LIFE

GET A... I DON'T KNOW...A THIRD EYE.

SOMETHING TO DISTRACT US.

SERIOUSLY,WE'RE GETTING ALL EXCITED

THAT EYE POPS OPEN.

OH, WAIT A MINUTE!

OH, LET'S SLOW IT DOWNFOR A SECOND.

I WANT TO CUDDLE.

I WANT TO CUDDLE RIGHT NOW.

YOU GET THE INTERNATIONALBLACK HELLOS

"WHAT'S UP?" FROM BLACK PEOPLE.

EVEN IF YOU DON'T KNOWBLACK PEOPLE, YOU GO...

AND LIKE, "I AM BLACK,YOU ARE BLACK, TOO.

ARE YOU ENJOYINGYOUR BLACKNESS?" "YES, I AM."

"WELL, KEEP ON BEING BLACK."

I JUST WANT TO LET YOU KNOW,THOUGH

THAT I AM NOT GOING TO...

I WILL NOT BE GETTINGJIGGY TONIGHT.

I, UH... I WILL NOT BE, UH, HIPOR PHAT WITH A "P-H"

NOR WILL I BE THROWING ANYSUPER SHOUTOUTS TO ANY PEEPS

I MIGHT HAVE IN THE HOUSE.

I THINKSOME PEOPLE GET CONFUSED.

THEY WATCH A LITTLETOO MUCH DEF JAM

AND, UH, THEY DON'T KNOWWHAT THEY'RE GETTING

WHEN THEY GET A BLACK COMICSOMETIMES.

I'M FROM SACRAMENTO AND, UH...

( scattered applause )

GROWING UP IN SACRAMENTO

IS KIND OF LIKE GROWING UPINSIDE A J CREW CATALOGUE.

EVERYONE'S REAL PRETTY,REAL RICH AND REAL WHITE.

YOU KNOW, WE USED TO, LIKE,HANG OUT ON THE GOLF COURSE

AND, LIKE, GO TO THE, YOU KNOW,COUNTRY CLUB AND, UH, YOU KNOW

HANG OUT, DRIVE AROUND, LISTENTO LYNYRD SKYNYRD, UM...

HANG OUT BY THE RIVER,WORKING ON OUR TANS--

THAT WAS MY FAVORITE.

( laughter )

I REMEMBER WHEN I TRIEDTO AUDITION...

WHEN I FIRST CAME OUTTO LOS ANGELES TO BE AN ACTRESS

I READ FOR JOHN SINGLETON

AND IT WAS FOR THE ROLEOF VENDETTA, A CRACK ADD...

SHE'S 22, AND I CAME OUT THEREIN MY...

I WAS, LIKE, FRESH OFF THE BUSFROM SACRAMENTO

AND I WAS WEARING, LIKE

MY POLO SHORTS AND MY LITTLESHIRT FROM CONTEMPO, AND, UH...

MY AUDITION WENT A LITTLESOMETHING LIKE THIS:

( clears throat )

Q-DOG, WHERE HAVE YOU BEENALL NIGHT?

YOU KNOW THAT I'VE BEENJONESING REAL BAD.

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN, BABY?

I AM NOT DONE WITH THIS.

I AIN'T NEVER DONE, NEVER GONNAPLAY THAT KIND OF... STUFF.

YOU ARE SOME KIND OFCRACK JACK... ASS.

( applause )

PRETTY ROUGH.

I LOVE THE NAME, VENDETTA.

LIKE, WHAT IS THAT?

THEY ALWAYS DO THAT, LIKE

WITH BLACK CHARACTER NAMES,VENDETTA, YOU KNOW.

I WAS READINGFOR SOMETHING THE OTHER DAY

AND IT WAS, LIKE, A VOICEOVER

AND IT WAS FOR THESETWO TWIN CHARACTERS

AND IT LOOKED LIKE THEIR NAMES

WERE LEMON JELL-OAND ORANGE JELL-O.

"NO, NO," THE CASTING DIRECTORCORRECTED ME.

SHE SAID, "LE-MON JELL-O"AND "O-RANGE JELL-O."

( laughter )

OKAY, AND I WAS WATCHING A MOVIEOF THE WEEK THE OTHER WEEK

AND THERE WAS A BLACK WOMANWHO WAS GIVING BIRTH TO TWINS

AND SHE NAMED THEM DEWANAND THE DE-OTHER-WAN.

( laughter )

BY THE END OF MY TIME TONIGHT,HE WILL BE THAT OF YOURS

HE'S NOT HUMAN;HE'S WHAT THEY CALL A "WHOOZO."

PLEASE WELCOME MY BUDDY, PEANUT.

( applause and cheers )

( laughing )

HOW YOU DOING, PEANUT?

I'M DOING PRETTY GOOD.

HOW ABOUT YOU?I'M FINE.

THAT'S GOOD.THAT'S GOOD.

THAT'S GOOOOD.

( laughing )

WELL, LOOKS LIKEA PRETTY GOOD CROWD TONIGHT.

YOU'VE BEEM LOOKINGFORWARD TO THIS?

OH, SURE.I LOVE NEW YORK.

YOU'VE BEEN HAVINGFUN AT MANHATTAN?

OH, SURE. I GOT ON THE PLANETHIS MORNING IN LOS ANGELES

AT THE CRACK OF DAWN

FLEW ALL THE WAYACROSS THE COUNTRY

GOT OFF THE PLANE HERE

MMM... AH, NEWARK!

( laughing )

OH, YOU LIKE IT HERE?

YEAH. I LEARNED SOMETHING NEWIN CENTRAL PARK THIS AFTERNOON.

WHAT?IF YOU PUNCH A MIMEIN THE STOMACH

HE'LL MAKE A NOISE.

( laughter and applause )

YOU KNOW, I THINKIT'D BE COOL

TO DO WHAT YOU DO.WHAT?

I THINK IT'D BE COOLTO BE A VENTRILOQUIST.

WHY THAT?I GO TO A LOTOF FUNERALS.

DEARLY BELOVED,WE ARE GATHERED HERE TODAY...

I'M NOT DEAD YET!

( laughter )

( high-pitched ):LET ME OUT OF HERE!

YOU SON OF A...

( laughing )

YOU KNOW WHERE ELSEI THROW MY VOICE?

WHERE?ON THE AIRLINE.

THE AIRLINE.

( slurring ):THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SPEAKING.

( audience laughing )

BOY, ARE WE HAVING FUNFLYING THIS BIG AIRPLANE.

WHOO-HA-HA-HA-HA!

WE'RE SORRYABOUT THE TURBULENCE.

( chortling )

SEE THAT YOU KEEP YOURSEAT BELTS FASTENED.

AND IF YOU DON'T

CO-CAPTAIN BOB'S GOINGTO COME BACK THERE

AND KICK YOUR AAASS.

SAY GOOD NIGHT, PEANUT.

YOU GUYS HAVEBEEN GREAT.

THAT'S PEANUT.THERE WE GO.

AAH, SHUT THE HELL UP.

I HATE THIS DAMN JOB.

GOT TO FOLLOWTHAT LITTLE PURPLE IDIOT.

HE'S LIKE A MUPPET ON CRACK.

WALTER, YOU KNOWWHERE WE ARE?

YEAH, I KNOW WHERE WE ARE.

COMEDY CENTRAL.

OH, YEAH. LA-DI-DAH.

SO, WALTER, UM, TELL MEHOW YOUR KIDS ARE DOING.

OH, I'M PROUD OF MY DAUGHTER,BUT MY SON'S AN IDIOT.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

A GOOD DAY FOR HIMIS WHEN HE BUTTONS HIS SHIRT

AND IT COMES OUT EVEN.

I TELL YOU, THAT BOY,THE WHEEL IS TURNING

BUT THE HAMSTER IS DEAD.

YOUR BIRTHDAYWASN'T TOO LONG AGO.

DID YOUR SON GETYOU ANYTHING?

HE GOT ME A CARD.A CARD.

YES. SAID I WASN'TREALLY HIS FATHER.

WELL, THAT'S AWFUL.

NO, IT'S WHAT I ASKED FOR.

DID HE GET YOU KIND OFA REAL PRESENT?

YEAH, HE WANTEDTO GET ME A TATTOO.

OH, DID YOU GETTHE TATTOO?HELL, NO.

IF YOU HAD, WHAT WOULDYOU HAVE GOTTEN?

I WOULD HAVE GOTTENA BEAUTIFUL WOMAN'S FACE.

AH, AND WHERE WOULDYOU HAVE PUT IT?

ON MY WIFE'S FACE.

OH, COME ON.THAT WAS FUN, EH?

WALTER, YOU...

YOU REALLY SEEMEDON EDGE TONIGHT.

TOO MUCH COFFEE.REALLY?

MY WIFE AND I HEARD COFFEE'SGOOD FOR YOUR SEX LIFE.

OH, AND IS IT?

NO, IT KEPT ME AWAKETHROUGH THE WHOLE DAMN THING.

I ACTUALLY HAD TO PARTICIPATE.

YEAH, DOCTOR SAID IT'S BADFOR MY HEART, TOO.

OH, THE CAFFEINE.

NO. SEEING MY WIFE NAKED.

WALTER, THAT'S AWFUL.

OH, YOU'D SEEN HER, TOO?

SO, IS COFFEE GOOD FORYOUR SEX LIFE OR NOT?

I DON'T KNOW, BUT THEY'RENEVER GOING TO LET US

BACK INTO THAT STARBUCKS AGAIN.

WELL, WE USED THE FILTER.

WALTER, YOU TALKEDABOUT YOUR SON.

HOW'S YOUR DAUGHTER?

OH, I DON'T KNOW.

SHE'S DOING ALL RIGHT.

SHE'S GOT A REALLYBAD HUSBAND, THOUGH.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

SHE CAME HOMEFROM WORK THE OTHER DAY

CAUGHT HIM IN BEDWITH A BLOWUP DOLL.

WHAT'D YOU TELL HER?

I TOLD HER TO GIVE IT TO YOU'CAUSE YOU MAKE THEM TALK.

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