Tuesday, January 5, 2016

  • 01/05/2016

Matt Besser, Mary Holland and Doug Benson give faces to inanimate objects, create #WeedMovies and add celebrities to the periodic table of elements.

Ripped from today's Internetheadlines, it's Rapid Refresh.

(applause and cheering)

Twitter must have jammedits hand in a candy bowl

and got a big old sugar high,

'cause it is officiallyout of control.

First hearts, then polls.

Now they've gone10,000 steps too far.

Threatening to add a new feature

where users can write upto 10,000 characters,

'cause if there's one thing

that was the secretto Twitter's success,

it was long-form storytelling.

So to fit the new service,Twitter will also be changing

their logo from this, probablyto this, more appropriately.

Oh, there it is. Aah! Aah!

But actually,this is really great news

for our show'cause it's gonna open up

a ton of new hashtag options.

You know, why do dumb stufflike weed movies

when we can do#GoatRuinaManifesto?

Or 2016 in 9,999 words?

It's gonna really open up theshow for us in a lot of ways.

Comedians, what are some other

annoying ways people will use

the new expandedcharacter limit?

Mary Holland.

So, instead of sending a picture

of their dick, men will sendjust heart-wrenching

beautiful prosedescribing their erect phallus.

HARDWICK:Yeah, yeah, points.

That's definitely gonna happen.

(cheering, whooping)

And you know what?And you know what?

And you know what?I'm looking forward to it.

Well, I'm... I'm sorry, girl,

I can't fitmy dick's description

in 10,000 words.

(shouting, whooping)

I-I can.

You could fit itbetween that bird's two chins.

(laughter)

All right, moving on.When Disney bought Star Wars,

people were like,"What does this mean?!

"Will someone kiss R2-D2

"and then turn him intoa hunky French aristocrat?

Is Boba Fett secretlya brave Asian girl?"

Well, none of that happened.

Disney did a bang-up jobwith The Force Awakens.

It was fantastic,but a video from dwisen

hit the top of reddit todaythat shows what appears to be

leaked footagefrom the next Star Wars movie,

and I think you seethe interwoven Disney charm

when it starts.

Hold your lightsaber upright,

then sweep.

-Mm-hmm.-(applause, whooping)

You know...

that'd be really funnyif this... when this happened

this ferret was, like, "No...!"

(like Yoda): Fear leadsto anger, anger leads to hate,

hate leads to being so lonely

you make your three ferretsfight a Yoda toy.

(laughter)

Comedians, what is the nameof this new Star Wars movie?

-Mary Holland. -The Empire Eats Trash.

-Yeah, points.-(laughter)

Points. Doug Benson.

Ferrets Bueller's Day Off.

(laughter)

(cheering, applause)

(Hardwick groans)

Not in the Star Wars universe,but I'll allow it. Points.

Matt Besser.

-Jar Jar Minks. -Yes! Points!

-(whooping, applause)-Points.

Chris, I happen to know

that's actuallywhat Ewoks' dicks look like.

-It is.-(laughter)

It's now timefor tonight's Hashtag Wars.

(cheering)

Speaking of tagging hash,I don't know if you're aware,

Doug Benson is here all week.

We figured it only makes senseto make tonight's Hashtag War

about the thingshe loves most: movies.

And, of course, the green stuff.

I'm talking aboutcompetitive topiary sculpting.

-Doug is a big...-(whooping, applause)

He won first place herewith a charming little elephant.

Eh, (bleep) that!We're gonna talk about weed.

Doug loves weed!Tonight's hashtag is WeedMovies!

(cheering, applause)

There it is.

I promise...

I promise the show getsa little upscale near the end.

But right now, WeedMovies.Examples might be:

Planet of the Vapes, or Straight Outta Colorado,

and A Nug's Life.

I'm gonna put 60 secondson the clock, and begin.

-Matt Besser. -Lord of the Smoke Rings

-by JRR Tokin'.-Joints!

Doug Benson.

-Did you say "joints"?-I said "joints," yeah.

Uh, The Hateful Eighth.

Joints! Matt Besser.

The Blunt for Red-Eyed-Toker.

All right, points.Joints. Points.

-Doug. -Apocalypse Nowy-Wowy.

Joints. Matt Besser.

Fifty Shades of Green.

Joints.

-Mary Holland. -Schindler's Spliff.

Yeah, joints. Yeah.

-Mary. -Honey, I Hot-Boxed the Kids.

Joints. Joints.

Doug Benson.

-Ganga Girl. -Joints!

-Mary Holland. -Extremely High and Incredibly High.

Joints.

-Matt Besser. -Air Kind Bud.

Joints. Yes. Doug Benson.

-Joy... nt. -All right, points. Perfect.

It's time to play...Serving Face. Serving Face.

(cheering)

Pareidolia isthe subconscious illusion

that makes you see facesin regular objects.

Like in this pissed-off mopright here.

What's he all mad about?

Comedians, I'm gonna show youan object with a hidden face

from the twitter account@facespics.

For 250 points,I want you to tell me

what the object is saying. Matt?

Is that Marshawn Lynchright there?

(laughter, groaning)

-Aw...-(whooping)

First up,this happy cup of coffee.

Doug.

Who wants to stay awake forever?

(laughter, applause, whooping)

Points. Matt Besser.

Cream in my mouth!

(laughter, groaning)

(whooping)

HARDWICK:You guys!

You guys!

Oh, I'm gonna (bleep)give him points, yeah.

There's no questionthat's worth points.

Next--this suspicious pair of pants.

What's he up to?

What's his angle, Doug Benson?

(laughing)

If one more personcalls me Easter Island Face,

I'm gonna split.

(laughter, whooping, applause)

Mary.

(sighs):You know... I'm just...

I'm not readyto come out of the closet.

(laughter)

Points.

-(applause)-Hmm.

Matt Besser.

Why does everyone "God bless" mewhen I fart?

(laughter)

HARDWICK:Yeah.

Next-- this celebrating stick.

Hurray! Doug Benson!

I just need the landing!

HARDWICK:Oh, no. Oh, no.

-Oh, goddamn it.-Give it to me!

All right, points!

Matt Besser.

(high-pitched):I might be skinny,

-but my dick is this big.-All right, points.

(whooping, applause)

(high-pitched): I'm packingsome serious wood down there.

All right.

Next up, this...this hip-hop carrot.

(bell dings)

Mary.

Mo' bunny, mo' problems.

Yeah, points.

Points. Very well done.

Very well done.

Next, this angry kayak.

(growls)

Hey, Matt.

World's largest glory holeopen for business.

Oh, yeah, he wouldn't bevery happy about that at all.

Yay, I have something to stickmy big wooden dick through!

Finally, this super sexy radish.

Mmm, ah.Oh, my.

Doug.

I know, I lookradishing tonight.

HARDWICK:No!

Aw...

Points. Uh, Mary.

Put me in your butt

like you do

with all other radishes.

Points.

That is...

that is a really hot...

And you know you put radishesin your butt.

-I've got four in now.

Before the break I told youhow Trump's campaign manager,

seen here going, (grunts)

responded to an inaccuracyin their ad

and asked youto issue another statement

as Corey Lewandowski.

Let's see what youcame up with.

Doug Benson,let's start with you.

Anyone who isn't thinkingabout voting for Trump

is gonna get a flaming

bag of (bleep)on their doorstep.

Made you look!

HARDWICK:Yeah, he would.

Matt Besser.

See you nextSuper Tuesday, (bleep).

Yeah, I...

The audience is surprisinglyokay with the C-bomb today.

-Uh...-(man whoops)

Mar... No, it's not... No, no.

-We don't "whoo"...-It's (bleep)-tagious.

Look, look... Listen, Chris,if you're gonna

keep it in, then you have tokeep it in for (bleep)-tinuity.

Uh, Mary.

To keep illegal immigrantsfrom taking American jobs,

our candidate wantsto build a wall...

-around your mom's butt!-Yeah.

Celebrementals. Celebrementals.

Great news,all you periodic table freaks!

The International Union of Pureand Applied Chemistry announced

four new elements this week!

-(cheering and applause)-I know. I know.

I know.

Yay, science!

You know, this whole time,

we were making weedand (bleep) puns,

and they just wanted to hearsome good old-fashioned

-periodic tableof the element business. -Yeah.

Uh, our favorite oneis ununpentium,

whose chemical symbol is Uup,

which sounds like a late-nightinvitation for finger-banging.

"You up?" Um...

You know what they sayaround the chem lab:

two in the zinc,one in the oxide.

That's what that looks like.

New elements can benamed after minerals,

countries, scientists,or mythological concepts,

but I think we shouldadd celebrities to the list.

It is time, right? We'rea celebrity-obsessed culture.

Let's name them after thingsthat they have nothing

to do with. Comedians,I would like you to give me

as many celebrity elementsas you can, all right?

Examples might be Helium Neesonor Jamie Foxxygen

and Barium Hussein Oboron.

I'm gonna put 60 secondson the clock. And begin.

-(bell dings)-Mary. -Kiefer Sulfurland.

-Points. Matt Besser.-(bell dings)

Nickel Minaj.

-Yes, points. Doug Benson.-(bell dings)

Weird Al Lubidubium Yankovic.

-Yes, points.-(bell dings)

-Matt Besser.-Eva Longorium.

-Yes, points. Doug Benson.-(bell dings)

-M. Nitrogen Shyamalan.-Points.

-(bell dings)-Mary Holland. -Bradley Copper.

-Yes, points! Oh, so good.Doug Benson. -(bell dings)

Iron Hubbard.

Goddamn you, Doug Benson!I will give you points for that.

-(bell dings)-Mary Holland.

-Freddie Mercury. -Yeah!-Oh, my God! So good!