Animal Furnace

  • 05/20/2012

Hannibal Buress reads a review of his show, finds the TSA's nemesis, analyzes rap lyrics and wishes horrible things on the person who stole his credit card.

AN EASY TIME

GETTING INTO THIS BUILDING,BECAUSE I DID NOT.

I TRIED TO WALK UP LIKE,"YEAH, I'M SHOOTING A SPECIAL."

I WAS EXCITEDTO WALK IN AND GO OVER--

AND THEN DUDE WAS LIKE,"HOLD UP, HOLD UP, HOLD UP."

HE SAID,"YOU WORKING HERE?"

I SAY, "I'M DOINGA LITTLE BIT OF WORK HERE.

CAN I COME IN, PLEASE?"

"HOLD UP.LET ME CALL IT IN."

MAN, SECURITY IS SERIOUS.

IT'S NICE.THIS IS NICE.

IT'S A TWO-HOUR SPECIAL.

THEY GOT A GIRL IN THE BACK,

SHE BRUSHED MY GOATEEFOR ME.

THAT WAS NICE.

I DONE TV BEFORE, BUT NOBODYEVER BRUSHED MY GOATEE.

I GOT A BRUSH.

I NEVER EVEN BRUSHEDMY GOATEE.

IT NEVER EVEN OCCURRED TO ME.

I WAS LIKE, THIS IS--THIS IS REALLY GOOD.

MY FIRST REGULAR COMEDY GIG,I HOSTED AN OPEN MIC

IN MY COLLEGE TOWN.

IT WAS POETRY, MUSIC,COMEDY, EVERYTHING.

ONE SHOW, I HAD AN EX-GIRLFRIENDTHAT SHOWED UP TO PERFORM.

I HAD TO INTRODUCE HERTO THE STAGE.

IT WAS VERY AWKWARD.

"COMING TO THE STAGE...

"IS THE COLD-HEARTED BITCHTHAT BROKE MY HEART.

"YOU MAY KNOW HER FROMNOT RETURNING MY PHONE CALLS

"AND ALSO GIVING OUTMEDIOCRE [bleep] JOBS.

MAKE A LOT OF NOISEFOR TIA JOHNSON, EVERYBODY."

I GOT TO STOP SAYINGHER REAL NAME.

I REALLY--

I SHOULD STOP SAYINGHER REAL NAME.

I SHOULD SAY SOMETHING ELSE.

I CAN STILL SAY

THE "I GOT TO STOP SAYINGHER REAL NAME" JOKE

AND STILL SAY A FAKE NAME,

BUT I KEEP SAYINGHER REAL NAME.

[laughter]

I WENT ON A TOUR

WITH A BUNCH OF BANDS.

BEFORE THE TOUR STARTED,I WANTED TO GET AN IDEA

WHO I'D BE WORKING WITH,SO I WATCHED SOME OF THESE BANDS

ON YOUTUBE.

AND I WAS WATCHING CLIPS,AND ONE OF THE BANDS,

EVERY SHOW, THE LEAD WOULD PUTTHE MICROPHONE IN HIS ASS,

SO I WAS CONCERNED.

[laughter]

SO THEN I EMAILEDTHE PROMOTER,

SAID, "HEY, MAN, WHAT'S UPWITH THIS DUDE

PUTTING A MICROPHONEIN HIS ASS?"

AND HE WROTE ME BACKAND SAID,

"DON'T WORRY.MICROPHONE-IN-THE-ASS GUY

BRINGS HIS OWN MICROPHONE."

AS HE SHOULD BRINGHIS OWN MICROPHONE!

BUT I'M SUREIT DIDN'T START OUT LIKE THAT.

PROBABLY JUST WAS COMPLAINTSFROM OTHER PERFORMERS.

"HEY, MAN, I DON'T WANTTO BE A DIVA OR ANYTHING,

"BUT THIS GUY JUST TOTALLYASSED-OUT THE MICROPHONE,

"SO IS THERE A WAY TO GETA SPARE MICROPHONE,

"OR IS THERE SOMETHINGWE CAN SPRAY ON THE MICROPHONE

"AND MAKE IT UN-ASSED?

"I'M NOT USED TO WORKINGLIKE THIS, MAN.

THIS IS NOT WHY I GOTIN THE MUSIC BUSINESS."

THEY WOULD PUT ON A LIVE SHOW.

EVERY SHOW,THE LEAD FROM THE BAND

WOULD TAKE A GARBAGE CANFULL OF BAR GARBAGE

AND THROW IT ON THE HEADOF HIS DRUMMER.

AND THE DRUMMERWOULD JUST KEEP DRUMMING

WITH GARBAGE ON HIS BODY.

MY FAVORITE SHOWWAS IN MONTREAL.

DURING THAT, SOMEBODY ELSEFROM THE CROWD

TOOK THE GARBAGE CAN OFFOF THE DRUMMER'S HEAD,

PUT IT ON HIS OWN HEAD.

I DON'T KNOW WHY HE DID THAT,'CAUSE IMMEDIATELY AFTER,

SOMEBODY ELSE IN THE CROWDPUNCHED HIM

IN HIS GARBAGE CAN HEAD,AND HE FELL

TO THE GROUND, BLOODIED.

NOW, I'LL TELL YOUWHY THAT HAPPENED.

THAT'S BECAUSE WHEN YOU PUTA GARBAGE CAN ON YOUR HEAD,

IT LIMITS YOUR PERIPHERAL VISIONABOUT 100%...

LEAVING YOU VERY OPENTO THOSE TYPE OF ATTACKS.

THAT'S WHY I NEVER PUTGARBAGE CANS ON MY HEAD,

'CAUSE I ALWAYS NEED TO KNOWWHAT'S GOING ON AROUND ME,

AND I CAN'T MAINTAINTHAT LEVEL OF AWARENESS

WITH A GARBAGE CANON MY HEAD.

I JUST KNOW MYSELFLIKE THAT.

I FELT BAD FOR THE GUY,'CAUSE IT HAPPENED SO FAST,

HE DIDN'T EVEN GET TO ENJOY

HAVING A GARBAGE CANON HIS HEAD.

HIS TWO CONSECUTIVETHOUGHTS WERE,

"I HAVE A GARBAGE CANON MY HEAD!

"MAN, I REGRET PUTTINGTHAT GARBAGE CAN ON MY HEAD.

THAT WAS A HORRIBLE IDEA."

and when I do a college show,I'll do an interview

with the school paper,and the result could be

a horrible article,so I want to share with y'all

this article from a gig I didat Eastern Illinois University

in Charleston, Illinois.

This is all realand in print.

A human being wrote this.

And then they sent itto a higher-ranking human being,

an editor, and that person said,"Yeah, let's go with that."

[laughter]

"Quick-witted Buressset for laughs.

Comedian helps bring diversityto campus."

[laughter]

Wait, wait, wait,I'm responsible

for bringing diversityto your campus?

'Cause you realizethe type of diversity I bring

is very temporary

because I'm leaving as soonas I get my check.

This town sucks.

Actually pay mebefore the show.

It was a phone interview,

and sometimes when I dophone interviews

and the journalist is boring,I just start saying crazy stuff

to make it fun for me and makethe most out of my time,

and she said, "What do you talkabout in your comedy?"

I said, "I talkabout the streets."

[laughter]

And she put that in the paperfor real.

"His performancesinclude comedic jokes--"

Wait, wait, wait.Comedic jokes?

As opposedto all the other types of jokes

that are out there?

Am I missing outon a genre of jokes?

I'd hate that for that to bethe reason I don't make it big.

"Yeah, Hannibal Buresscould have been huge,

"but he focused all his energyon comedic jokes

"when there were so manyother types of jokes out there.

He really pigeonholedhimself."

And I'm some bitter,old man comedian.

"These young comedians, theyfocus on all types of jokes.

"Esoteric jokesand jokes about hats.

"We're purists.We only did comedic jokes.

These young dudes, man."

"His performancesinclude comedic jokes

"related to personal stories,current events,

the streets..."[laughter]

You know what,I take the blame for that.

I said that on the record.I take the blame.

"His performancesinclude comedic jokes

"related to personal stories,current events,

the streets,and even food, he said."

What?Even food?

Who else is talking about foodin the comedy game right now?

Nobody. Just Hannibal Buress,that's all.

He has corneredthat subject matter.

He is the Lenny Bruceof grocery store humor.

He is so edgy.

You should have sawwhen he was

in Dallas, Texas.

Half the crowd walked out

when he did his new bitabout lettuce.

It was crazy.

COMEDY COORDINATOR,

"SAID BURESS WAS PICKEDBECAUSE HE STOOD OUT MORE

"THAN OTHER CHOICES.

"'HE STANDS OUTLIKE AN EXCLAMATION POINT,'

CAPONERA SAID."

I DON'T KNOW IF THAT'S WEIRDOR BORDERLINE RACIST.

LET'S GO WITH WEIRD.

IT'S EASY TO GO R--LET'S GO WITH WEIRD...

'CAUSE I THINK IT'S WEIRD TOCOMPARE PEOPLE TO PUNCTUATION.

"NAH, I THINK HE'S MORELIKE A SEMICOLON COMEDIAN.

"VERY SEMICOLON, LIKE,IN DELIVERY

AND HOW HE PACES."

[laughter]

I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO USEA SEMICOLON TO THIS DAY.

I USE A COMMA EVERY TIME.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT?IF I EMAIL SOMEBODY,

THEY GET UPSET ABOUT ME USINGA COMMA INSTEAD OF A SEMICOLON,

THAT'S NOT A PERSON I WANTTO WORK WITH ANYWAY.

AND THAT'S HOW YOU WEED PEOPLEOUT OF YOUR LIFE.

"BURESS WASTHE MOST POPULAR COMEDIAN

IN CAPONERA'S PRICE RANGEOF $2,000."

[laughter]

IT WAS A COUPLE YEARS AGO.

TWO THINGS ABOUT THAT...[laughter]

[applause]

ONE--YOU GODDAMN RIGHT I WAS.

HELL, YEAH.

I WAS RULING THAT PRICE RANGEIN THE MIDWEST TWO YEARS AGO.

TWO--HOW TACKY IS THAT?DID SHE GO TO HER EDITOR?

"HEY, I WANT TO MAKETHIS ARTICLE MORE TACKY.

YOU HAVE ANY IDEAS?"

"WELL, MAYBE YOU COULD MENTION

"THE AMOUNT OF MONEYHE'S MAKING FROM THE SHOW.

"THAT ADDS NOTHINGTO THE ARTICLE AT ALL.

"PLUS, WE GET THE ADDED BONUS OFPUTTING HIS BUSINESS OUT THERE

"AND MAKING IT HARDERFOR HIM TO CHARGE

MORE THAN THAT IN THE FUTURE."

[laughter]

"SO I THINK IF YOU'RE GOINGFOR WORD COUNT,

THAT'S YOUR MOVE."

"CAPONERA SAIDHE ALSO PICKED BURESS

"BECAUSE HE ISAFRICAN-AMERICAN,

"WHICH ADDED MORE DIVERSITY

"TO THE COMEDIC LINEUPTHIS SEMESTER.

"'HE'S A BLACK COMEDIAN, SO ITMAKES OUR CROWD MORE DIVERSE,

"AND EVERYONEGETS WHAT THEY WANT,'

CAPONERA SAID."

EVERYONE GETS WHAT THEY WANT?

THAT'S A WEIRD,BROAD THING TO SAY.

EVEN PEOPLE THAT DIDN'T ATTENDTHE SHOW--

"HEY, DID YOU BOOKHANNIBAL BURESS?"

"YEAH, WE BOOKED.WHY, YOU COMING TO THE SHOW?"

"NAH, I'M NOT COMINGTO THE SHOW,

BUT I GOT WHAT I WANTED."

[laughter]

BECAUSE EVERYBODY GETSWHAT THEY WANT

WHEN I COME TO TOWN.

TOWN MORALE PEAKS.IT'S AT A ALL-TIME HIGH.

EVERYBODY'S HAPPY.

THEY GOTO THE LOCAL GROCERY STORE,

JUST JUGGLING ITEMS,NO INTENTION ON BUYING 'EM,

JUST IN THE AISLES YELLING,"EVEN FOOD!

"HE'S COMING TO TOWN, Y'ALL!

HELL, YEAH!"

"YOU THINK HE'S GONNA DOTHE LETTUCE BIT?"

"I DON'T KNOW.I'M NOT EVEN GOING TO THE SHOW.

I'M JUST HAPPY HE'S HERE."

I GOT A JAYWALKING TICKET INMONTREAL.

I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT.

I'VE JAYWALKED SO MANY TIMESIN MY LIFE.

IT'S SUCH AN EASY THINGTO TIME OUT.

IS THERE A CAR COMING?NO?

LET ME GET ACROSS THEN.

I'VE DONE IT THOUSANDSOF TIMES.

BUT THIS TIME IT WAS MEAND THIS OLD LADY.

WE WERE JAYWALKING TOGETHER.

WE WEREN'T TOGETHER LIKE THAT,

BUT IF WE WERE, SO WHAT?

MIND YOUR BUSINESS.

I JUST MET Y'ALL.

SO ME AND THIS OLD LADY,WE GET ACROSS THE STREET,

THEN A MONTREAL COPAPPROACHES US,

SPEAKING IN FRENCH.

[imitating French]

FRENCH.

[laughter]

I SAID, "HEY, MAN,I DON'T TALK LIKE THAT.

"THAT'S NOT HOW I TALK.

CAN YOU TALK TO MEHOW I TALK?"

THAT PROBABLY WASN'TTHE BEST WAY

TO START OFF OUR INTERACTION,

BY MOCKING HIS NATIVE LANGUAGE,BUT WHO CARES?

I TAKE RISKS IN LIFE.

AND HE SAYS,"YOU WERE JAYWALKING!"

AND I SAID,"SORRY ABOUT THAT."

AND I TRIED TO KEEP GOINGABOUT MY DAY.

'CAUSE I THOUGHT THAT'SHOW JAYWALKING WAS HANDLED

AS A CRIME--

"YOU WERE JAYWALKING!""MY BAD.

"WE'RE DONE HERE, RIGHT?THAT'S IT.

"I ACKNOWLEDGEDTHAT I JAYWALKED, I APOLOGIZED

"NOT FOR THE ACTOF JAYWALKING,

"BUT HOW MY JAYWALKINGMADE YOU FEEL.

"I'LL TRY NOT TO JAYWALK IN THEFUTURE WHILE YOU'RE WATCHING,

"BUT TRUST I'M GONNA DO ITTHE REST OF MY LIFE.

IT'S THE BEST WAY TO GOABOUT BEING A PEDESTRIAN."

[laughter]

AND HE SAYS, "NO, I HAVETO GIVE YOU A TICKET.

GIVE ME YOUR I.D."

I SAID,"YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

"I ONLY GIVE PEOPLEMY I.D. FOR REAL STUFF.

"THIS IS NOT REAL.THIS IS A FANTASY CRIME

"THAT YOU'RE ENFORCINGTO COVER UP THE FACT

"THAT YOUR CITY IS HAVINGFINANCIAL PROBLEMS RIGHT NOW.

"THIS CITY IS BROKE,AND THEY PUT YOU OUT HERE

"WITH A QUOTA,AND THAT'S FINE.

"I WILL DONATE 60OF YOUR COLORFUL-ASS DOLLARS

"TO YOUR BROKE-ASS CITY.

BUT LET'S JUST DO IT LIKE THAT.NO PAPERWORK, AND IT'S GOOD."

GUESS WHAT.TWO MORE COPS SHOW UP.

NOW WE HAVETHREE MONTREAL POLICE OFFICERS

WORKING THIS HIGH-PROFILEJAYWALKING CASE.

THREE COPSFOR ME AND JAYWALKING.

FAIR ENOUGH.

I DECIDED DURING THE TIMEI WAS JUST GONNA TALK TRASH

TO THE COP STANDING CLOSESTTO ME 'CAUSE I DON'T LIKE HIM

OR WHAT HE REPRESENTS.

SO I JUST WANTEDTO MESS WITH HIM

AND SAY WHATEVER I COULD SAYTO MESS WITH HIM,

'CAUSE HE'S WASTING MY TIME,SO I SAY,

"HEY, MAN, HOW MUCH MONEYDO YOU MAKE A YEAR?"

WHICH IS A DOUCHEY THING TO DO,I'M AWARE.

BUT YOU KNOWWHAT ELSE IS DOUCHEY?

TO HAVE THREE COPS WORKINGA JAYWALKING TICKET.

THAT'S OVERKILL.I ONLY HAVE TWO LEGS.

THAT'S A COP AND A HALFPER LEG.

THAT'S A WASTEOF CITY FUNDS.

THAT'S WHY THEIR CITYIS BROKE NOW.

I DON'T KNOW WHY HE TOLD ME.HE DIDN'T HAVE TO TELL ME.

THEN HE SAID,"HOW MUCH DO YOU MAKE?"

AND I TOLD HIM.AND HE GOT UPSET.

AND HE SAID,"WHAT, DO YOU SELL DRUGS?"

I SAID, "NO, I DON'T SELL DRUGS.THAT WAS KIND OF RACIST."

"WHAT, DO YOU SELL CARS?"

[laughter]

"WAIT. WHY ARE THOSEYOUR TWO FIRST GUESSES?"

"HEY, THIS DUDE IS DOINGSOMETHING ILLEGAL,

"OR PEOPLE LOVE BUYING SUBARUSFROM HIM.

"HE'S A CHARISMATIC GUY.SELL THE HELL OUT OF A CAR.

"THOSE ARE THE ONLY TWO JOBSI KNOW BESIDES POLICE OFFICER.

I'M A DUMB GUY.MY WORLD VIEW IS LIMITED."

THEN I SAY, "HEY, MAN, YOURCOLLEAGUE HERE IS 50 YEARS OLD,

"AND HE'S WRITING JAYWALKINGTICKETS FOR A LIVING.

"IS HE CONSIDERED A FAILUREAS A POLICE OFFICER?

'CAUSE THAT SEEMS LIKE SOMESTUFF THAT YOU SHOULD BE DOING."

HE WAS A YOUNGER GUY.

HE WAS UPSET ABOUT THAT.

HE WAS TRYING TO HOLD INHE WAS UPSET,

BUT I COULD TELL HE WAS UPSET,'CAUSE THE NEXT THING HE SAID

WAS, "OH, YOU A COOL GUY, HUH?"

I SAID, "NO, I'M NOT A COOL GUY.ARE YOU A COOL GUY?"

HE SAID, "YEAH, I'M A COOL GUYJUST DOING COOL STUFF,

TRYING TO BE COOL."

I SAID, "MAN, COOL PEOPLENEVER SAY [bleep] LIKE THAT."

[laughter]

THEY GAVE ME A $37 TICKETFOR JAYWALKING

AND A $444 TICKETJUST FOR BEING AN ASS[bleep].

THAT'S HOW MUCH IT COSTSTO BE AN ASS[bleep]

TO MONTREAL POLICE, JUST IN CASEYOU'RE PRICING IT OUT

FOR YOUR NEXT VACATION.

BUT DON'T WORRY--DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME.

I'M NOT PAYING EITHER OF THEM.IT'S IN CANADA.

IT DOESN'T COUNT TO ME.IT'S NOT REAL.

THERE WAS THIS KID,FOUR OR FIVE YEARS OLD,

WALKING WITH HIS MOMMY,FIXED HIS FINGERS IN A FAKE GUN,

AND THEN TOOK A SHOT AT ME.

NOW, I'M LOOKING AT THE WALLTO SEE IF THERE'S SOMETHING

ON THE WALLHE COULD HAVE BEEN SHOOTING AT,

'CAUSE I'M IN DENIAL.

I LOOK BACK AT HIM.

HE LOOKS ME IN MY EYESAND TAKES TWO MORE SHOTS.

NOW I'M HIT THREE TIMES.

THAT WAS AN ACT OF AGGRESSION.I HAVE TO DEFEND MYSELF.

I'M A MAN BEFORE ANYTHING.

I WILL POINT-BLANK FAKE-SHOOTTHIS KID RIGHT HERE.

"HEY, DIE, BITCH, LITTLE KID.

"DIE.WHAT NOW?

"NOW WHAT?WHAT YOU LOOKING AT, MOM?

"CONTROL YOUR KID,AND [bleep] LIKE THIS

"WON'T HAPPEN IN THE AIRPORT.

"NOW EVERYBODY'SGETTING FAKE-SHOT.

"WHAT'S EVERYBODY ELSELOOKING AT?

"THIS HAS GOT NOTHINGTO DO WITH YOU.

"AMERICAN AIRLINES LADY,GET DOWN RIGHT NOW.

I'LL SHOOT UP YOUAND YOUR BANKRUPT-ASS COMPANY."

MY OTHER AIRPORT NEMESISIS AIRPORT SECURITY.

I DON'T LIKE THEM AT ALL.THEY SEEM SO DEDICATED

TO KEEPING BOTTLED WATEROUT OF THE SKY.

THAT'S THEIR MAIN THING.

IT'S PROBABLY EASIERTO GET COCAINE ON A PLANE

THAN A BOTTLE OF WATER.

PROBABLY THE ONLY WAY YOUCOULDN'T GET COCAINE ON A PLANE

IF THEY LOOKED AT ITAND SAID, "WHAT IS THIS?

POWDERED WATER?"

"NO, IT'S COCAINE."

"GO RIGHT AHEAD.ENJOY YOUR FLIGHT."

BECAUSE A TERRORIST TRIEDA LIQUID-BOMB THING,

NOW NOBODY CAN BRING LIQUIDSON A PLANE.

ONE PERSON MESSED IT UPFOR EVERYBODY.

BUT I FEEL LIKE THAT'S BEINGREACTIVE INSTEAD OF PROACTIVE,

BECAUSE TERRORISTSARE ALWAYS TRYING NEW STUFF.

SO NEXT TIME IT'S GONNA BESOME TYPE OF SNICKERS BOMB,

AND AFTER THAT HAPPENS, YOUCAN'T BRING FULL-SIZED SNICKERS

ON THE PLANE ANYMORE.

YOU CAN ONLY BRINGMINIATURE SNICKERS

'CAUSE ONE PERSON MESSED IT UPFOR EVERYBODY.

NOW YOU HAVE SECURITYTRYING TO NEGOTIATE

YOUR SNICKERS SITUATION.

"HEY, IS IT ALL RIGHT IF I BRINGFOUR MINIATURE SNICKERS?

THAT'S ABOUT THE SAME SIZEAS A FULL-SIZED SNICKERS."

SECURITY SAY,"DON'T PLAY WITH ME.

"THIS IS NOT A GAME!

"WE ARE SAVING THE WORLDONE SNICKERS BAR AT A TIME

FOR YOUR FREEDOMIN AMERICA!"

"RELAX, MAN, I'M JUST HUNGRY.STOP YELLING AT ME."

"YOU CAN'T BRINGTHE BOTTLED WATER, SIR."

"WHY NOT?IT'S NOT BOMB WATER.

WHAT IF I SIP THE WATER TO SHOWYOU THAT IT'S NOT BOMB WATER?"

"BUT WHAT IF IT'S SIPPABLEBOMB WATER?"

"THERE'S NO SUCH THINGAS SIPPABLE BOMB WATER.

"YOU'RE BEING SILLYRIGHT NOW, MAN.

THERE'S NO SUCH THINGAS BOMB WATER."

FOR ADDITIONAL SCREENING,

BUT THE ONLY SCREENINGTHEY DID,

THEY RUBBED THE CLOTHON MY HANDS,

AND THEN THEY WENTAND TESTED IT, THEY CAME BACK

AND SAID, "ALL RIGHT,YOU'RE GOOD."

"OKAY, COOL, GOOD THING I DIDN'THAVE BOMB JUICE ON MY HANDS.

WAS THAT THE BOMB-JUICE TEST?"

WHAT IF I DID HAVE BOMB JUICEON MY HANDS?

WHAT IF ONE OF MY FRIENDS--"HEY, HANNIBAL,

"BEFORE YOU GO TO THE AIRPORT,

YOU WANT TO HOLD A BOMBREAL QUICK?"

[laughter]

AND I SAY, "YOU KNOW WHAT?I NEVER HELD A BOMB BEFORE.

I'M OPEN TO NEW EXPERIENCES,LET ME..."

[laughter]

"THAT'S PRETTY COOL.THANKS, MAN.

THAT WAS REAL COOL."

THEN I GET TO THE AIRPORT.THEY TEST MY HANDS.

THEY SAY, "YOU HAVE BOMB JUICEON YOUR HANDS.

IS THERE ANYTHING YOU'D LIKETO TELL US?"

"YEAH, ONE OF MY FRIENDS,HE GOT A BUNCH OF BOMBS.

"AND HE SAID, 'YOU WANTTO HOLD A BOMB REAL QUICK

"BEFORE YOU GOTO THE AIRPORT?'

"AND I NEVER HELDA BOMB BEFORE,

"SO I THOUGHT IT'D BESOMETHING COOL TO DO.

"I MADE SURE NOT TO BRINGTHE BOMB WITH ME,

'CAUSE I KNOWY'ALL HATE THAT."

[laughter]

"SO I WANT TO JUST HOLDA BOMB REAL QUICK.

"I THINK YOU NEEDTO CHILL OUT

"AND STOP BEING JEALOUS 'CAUSEI GOT ALL TYPES OF FRIENDS.

"SOME OF MY FRIENDS OWN BOMBSAND LET ME HOLD THEM.

"YOU NEED TO OPEN UPYOUR SOCIAL CIRCLE

AND MEET SOME NEW PEOPLE."

I HATE WHEN THEY TRYTO MAKE CONVERSATION WITH ME.

"ARE YOU GOING TO NEW YORKFOR BUSINESS OR PLEASURE?"

"I'M GOINGTO NEW YORK TO TALK

"ABOUT YOU IN FRONTOF STRANGERS.

SO I GUESS BOTH."

THERE'S A LOT OF DUDESIN MY NEIGHBORHOOD

THAT HAVE HANDLEBAR MUSTACHES,

WHICH IS COOL IF YOU WANTTO HAVE A HANDLEBAR MUSTACHE,

BUT DON'T TRY TO HAVEA CONVERSATION WITH ME

LIKE YOU DON'T HAVEA HANDLEBAR MUSTACHE.

THEY TRY TO TALKABOUT REGULAR STUFF

LIKE MUSIC AND POLITICS.

NAH, DUDE, IF YOU GOTA HANDLEBAR MUSTACHE,

ALL I WANT TO HEAR YOUTALK ABOUT

IS SLINKIES AND KAZOOSAND THAT'S IT.

TALK ABOUT KAZOOSFOR A FEW MINUTES,

THEN YOU GO HOP ON A UNICYCLEAND JUGGLE...

YOU CARNIVAL-FACEDMOTHER[bleep].

YEAH, I'M TACKLINGTHE REAL ISSUES UP HERE.

I'M THE LENNY BRUCEOF GROCERY STORE

AND MUSTACHE HUMOR!

"EDGY MUSTACHE HUMOR:THE HANNIBAL BURESS STORY."

[laughter]

SO ONE NIGHT I WAS OUT--IT WAS 5:00 IN THE MORNING--

HAVING SOME DRINKS,WAS TALKING WITH THIS GIRL,

DECIDED TO TAKE A SWING.

I SAY, "HOW ABOUT WE GO BACKTO MY PLACE

FOR SOME FOODAND SOME DRINKS?"

MOST WOMEN WOULD SAY,"YEAH, THAT SOUNDS COOL,"

OR, "NAH, I'M ALL RIGHT,"BUT WHAT SHE SAID WAS,

"WHAT TYPE OF FOODARE WE TALKING ABOUT?"

[laughter]

"AND WHAT TYPE OF DRINKSARE WE TALKING ABOUT?

"AND DO YOU EXPECT METO HAVE SEX WITH YOU

IF I COME BACKTO YOUR PLACE?"

WELL, IF YOU COME BACKTO MY PLACE

AT 5:00 IN THE MORNINGAND EAT ALL MY FOOD

AND DRINK ALL MY DRINKSAND YOU DON'T WANT TO HAVE SEX,

THEN I DON'T WANT YOUIN MY LIFE AT ALL.

WHAT TYPE OF PERSONWOULD DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT?

THAT SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHINGA SOCIOPATH WOULD DO.

WOULD COME TO YOUR PLACE,EAT YOUR FOOD,

DRINK YOUR DRINKS, LEAVEAT 6:30 WITHOUT [bleep]

LIKE IT'S COOL.

THAT'S A PASSIVE BURGLARY.

[laughter and applause]

AND AS SOON AS SHE SAID THAT,

I SHOULD HAVE CLOCKEDTHIS WOMAN WAS CRAZY,

BUT I WAS KIND OF DRUNK,SO I WENT,

"OH, SHE'S KIND OF QUIRKY.

SHE'S KIND OF QUIRKYAND WEIRD."

SO WE TALKEDFOR A LITTLE BIT.

SHE SAID STUFF.I'D SAY STUFF.

SHE SAID STUFF.I'D SAY STUFF.

YOU KNOWHOW A CONVERSATION WORKS.

I THINK IT'S GOING WELL.I GO IN FOR THE KISS.

SHE SAYS, "WHAT?YOU THINK YOU CAN JUST KISS ME?

"WESTERN MEN AND MEN IN GENERALTHINK THEY'RE ENTITLED

"TO WHATEVER THEY WANTFROM WOMEN.

YOU OBJECTIFY US..."

SHE STARTED GOINGON THIS WEIRD FEMINIST RANT.

HEY, IT'S FINEIF YOU WANT TO BE A FEMINIST,

BUT I THINK 5:00 IN THE MORNINGAFTER THE BAR CLOSES

IS A WEIRD TIMETO JUMP ON YOUR SOAPBOX.

"MEN JUST WANT TO [bleep]!"

IT'S 5:00 IN THE MORNING.EVERYBODY WANTS TO.

THAT'S WHY THEY STAYED OUTTILL 5:00,

SHE WANTS TO KNOWMY ADDRESS.

SHE'S SHOWING INTEREST.I TELL HER THE ADDRESS.

THEN WE GO A LITTLE FURTHER.

SHE WANTS TO KNOW THE ADDRESSPLUS THE CROSS STREET.

THEN SHE TEXTS IT TO HERSELFAFTER I TELL HER.

I SAY, "WHAT'S WRONG?"SHE SAYS, "I HAVE TO BE SAFE.

"THREE OUT OF TEN WOMENTHAT GET RAPED

DON'T REPORT IT."

AND I SAID,"ONE OUT OF ONE DUDES

IS WALKING AWAYFROM THIS CONVERSATION."

[laughter]

AND SHE SAID,"WHAT'S WRONG?"

I SAID,"YOU'RE A CRAZY PERSON.

"THAT'S WHAT'S WRONG.

"AND RIGHT NOW SOUNDSKIND OF RISKY

"TO HANG OUT WITH YOU.

"AND I DIDN'T KNOW THISABOUT MYSELF UNTIL TODAY,

"BUT I DON'T HANG OUTWITH ANYBODY

"THAT QUOTES RAPE STATISTICS.

"THERE'S NOBODY IN MY LIFETHAT DOES THAT.

"THAT'S SUCH A WEIRD TRAITTO HAVE.

"I'M A BLACK MAN IN SCOTLANDON A WORK VISA.

"YOU TALKING ABOUT RAPE.

"THEY GONNA BELIEVEANY BULL[bleep] YOU SAY.

I GOTTA GO."

[laughter]

BUT SUPER-DRUNK WOMENCAN'T HANDLE REJECTION.

SHE WAS JUST TRYING TO EXPLAIN."PLEASE, LET ME EXPLAIN."

"NO, YOU'VE EXPLAINED ENOUGHWITH YOUR WORDS."

"HANNIBAL, WHY, WHAT'S WRONG?""YOU ARE INSANE, LADY.

THAT'S WHAT'S WRONG."

"HANNIBAL, I JUST WANTTO EDUCATE PEOPLE."

"THIS IS A WEIRD-ASS TIMEFOR THAT TYPE OF CLASS."

"HANNIBAL, WHY?COME ON."

"NO. GO AWAY, LADY.""GIVE ME 30 SECONDS TO EXPLAIN."

"NO, I DON'T WANTTO TALK TO YOU."

"HANNIBAL,PLEASE STOP WALKING AWAY."

"GET AWAY FROM ME.""HANNIBAL, PLE--"

"HEY, LADY, YOU'RE ACTINGLIKE A RAPIST RIGHT NOW!

"I TOLD YOU I DON'T WANTTO TALK WITH YOU,

"BUT YOU KEEP ON TALKING AT ME.YOU'RE RAPING MY EARDRUMS.

I FEEL REAL THREATENED.NO MEANS NO."

[laughter]

[cheers and applause]

I LIKE TO DRINK, BUT I ONLY LIKETO DRINK

WITH PEOPLE THAT CAN HOLDTHEIR LIQUOR.

I WAS OUT WITH THIS GIRL,I BOUGHT SOME DRINKS,

WE GO BACK TO MY HOTEL ROOM,SHE STARTS THROWING UP

THE DRINKS THAT I BOUGHTALL OVER MY HOTEL ROOM.

IT WAS VERY UPSETTING.

IT WAS LIKE SHE WASTHROWING UP MY MONEY

ON MY MONEY.

VERY UPSETTINGON SO MANY LEVELS.

REALLY NOT THAT MANY LEVELS.

PEOPLE OVERUSE THAT--"IT WAS MESSED UP

ON SO MANY LEVELS, MAN."

"OH, FOR REAL?WHY DON'T YOU NAME THE LEVELS?"

"WELL, LEVEL THREE,METAPHYSICAL, EYE LEVEL--"

"SHUT UP, MAN.YOU BEING DRAMATIC RIGHT NOW."

[laughter]

I WAS AT THIS MUSIC FESTIVALWALKING UP THE STAIRS

TO MY HOTEL, THERE WAS THIS MANWALKING DOWN THE STAIRS.

THIS MAN STARTED THROWING UPDOWN THE STAIRS.

LUCKILY, THE VOMIT MISSED ME.

I DON'T KNOWWHAT I WOULD HAVE DONE

IF IT HIT--ARE YOU SUPPOSEDTO FIGHT SOMEBODY

IF THEY THROW UP ON YOU?

"HEY, MAN,CONTROL YOUR BODY!

CONTROL YOUR INSIDES."

MY STAGE-PUNCHINGIS HORRIBLE.

LIKE, DO YOU TAXTHAT PERSON?

"GIVE ME $40AND YOUR LEFT SHOE.

"THAT'S THE VOMIT TAX.YOU SUCK.

DRINK SOME WATERAND GO TO BED."

BUT WHAT REALLY UPSET ME IS THISMAN WAS 40 YEARS OLD AT LEAST,

AND IF YOU'RE 40, I DON'T THINKYOU SHOULD BE THROWING UP

FROM ALCOHOL ANYMORE.

YOU SHOULD KNOWYOUR LIMITS, MAN.

YOU HAVE A FAMILYAND A MORTGAGE.

YOU HERE THROWING UPFROM VODKA?

YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMEDOF YOURSELF.

'CAUSE I'M 28,I HAVEN'T THROWN UP

FROM ALCOHOLIN SEVEN YEARS,

BECAUSE WHENEVER I FEELTHE URGE TO THROW UP,

I'M ABLE TO CHANNELTHAT ENERGY OUT INTO A...

HADOUKEN!

'CAUSE I'M A GODDAMN WARRIOR.

I'M AN URBAN WARRIOR,AND I MEAN URBAN

TO MEAN "I LIVE IN THE CITY,"NOT URBAN TO MEAN "BLACK,"

HOW WHITE PEOPLE USE IT.

I DON'T--I DON'T BELIEVE IN CANCER WALKS.

WELL, I BELIEVE IN THEM,'CAUSE THEY EXIST,

BUT...

I'D RATHER JUST GIVE MONEYSTRAIGHT UP

AND SAVE MY SATURDAYAFTERNOON.

I CAN MAKE MY OWN T-SHIRT.THAT'S NOT AN INCENTIVE.

PLUS, I DON'T THINK CANCERRESPONDS TO HOW FAR PEOPLE WALK.

I DON'T THINK CANCER'S SITTINGAT HOME--

"WHAT?HOW MANY PEOPLE WALKED HOW FAR?

"HOW MANY PEOPLE WALKED HOW FARWEARING THE SAME SHIRT?

THAT'S CRAZY.I'M OUT OF HERE. REMISSION."

[applause]

JUST GIVE MONEY.

WHENEVER PEOPLE ARE GOINGTHROUGH A STRUGGLE IN LIFE,

THEY GET REALLY CLICHE.

THEY SAY STUFF LIKE,"I'M TAKING IT

"ONE DAY AT A TIME.

I'M JUST TAKING ITONE DAY AT A TIME."

YOU KNOW WHO ELSE IS?

EVERYBODY,'CAUSE THAT'S HOW TIME WORKS.

THAT'S THE ONLY WAYYOU CAN TAKE TIME.

WHAT, WERE YOU DOING ITA WEEK AT A TIME BEFORE?

WHO ARE YOU?WHO TAUGHT YOU HOW TO DO THAT?

PLEASE TEACH ME HOWTO DO THAT.

I WANT TO GETTHROUGH THIS QUICKER TOO.

I DON'T LIKE WHEN PEOPLE SAY,"I'LL PRAY FOR YOU.

"I'M GONNA PRAY FOR YOU.

PRAYING FOR YOU."YOU'RE GONNA PRAY FOR ME?

YOU'RE GONNA SIT AT HOMEAND DO NOTHING?

'CAUSE THAT'SWHAT YOUR PRAYERS ARE--

YOU DOING NOTHING WHILEI STRUGGLE WITH A SITUATION.

DON'T PRAY FOR ME.

MAKE ME A SANDWICHOR SOMETHING...

'CAUSE I'M VERY UPSETRIGHT NOW,

AND I CAN'T MAKEMY OWN SANDWICHES,

SO THAT'D BE COOL

IF YOU MADE ME A SANDWICHINSTEAD OF PRAYING,

WHICH IS KIND OF LAZY.

TAKE ACTION.

"WELL, WE'LL KEEP YOUIN OUR THOUGHTS."

WITH THE OTHER BULL[bleep]IN YOUR HEAD? NO.

KEEP ME OUT OF YOUR THOUGHTS,

'CAUSE I HEAR SOME OF THE STUFFYOU TALK ABOUT,

AND THAT'S CLOSETO WHAT YOU THINKING ABOUT.

I DON'T WANT TO BEAROUND THAT AT ALL.

SO KEEP ME AND MY FAMILYOUT OF YOUR THOUGHTS

UNLESS YOU'RE THINKINGABOUT MAKING US SANDWICHES.

I WAS AT A FRONT DESKOF A HOTEL,

AND THE FRONT-DESK LADY'SSCREAMING,

"OH, JESUS! JESUS!OH, JESUS!"

I SAID, "WHAT'S WRONG?"SHE SAID, "MY BACK--

MY BACK HAS JUST BEEN KILLING MEFOR MONTHS."

I SAID,"YOU SHOULD TRY VICODIN."

SHE SAID,"NO, I'M TRYING JESUS."

I SAID,"NO, YOU SHOULD TRY VICODIN."

AND SHE SAID,"YOU SHOULD TRY JESUS."

I SAID,"NAH, MY BACK IS GREAT."

"YOU SHOULD TRY HALF-JESUS,HALF-VICODIN.

"JUST TO GET THATOUT YOUR BACK--

MAYBE REAL VICODIN ANDPLACEBO JESUS FOR YOUR BACK?"

I DON'T GO TO CHURCH.

SOMETIMESPEOPLE BE HOLY-GHOSTING,

AND I CAN'T GETWITH THAT.

PEOPLE--I THINK THE HOLY GHOSTIS JUST A REASON

FOR PEOPLE TO DANCELIKE AN ASS[bleep] SOBER.

"I MEAN, WHOA, [bleep]!I LOVE--"

[laughter]

"ARE YOU FOR REAL?OH, [bleep], LOOK AT ME.

"I LOVE JESUS.I'M SWEATING.

"I'M SWEATING SO MUCHFOR THE LORD.

OOH-AH."

WHY YOU GOOFING OFF LIKE THAT?

I'LL STILL THINK YOUA GOOD PERSON IF YOU SIT DOWN.

"OOH-AH."

I THINK THE HOLY GHOST IS FAKE

'CAUSE PEOPLE ONLY GET ITIN CHURCH WHEN THEY'RE DANCING

AROUND OTHER PEOPLETHAT'S HOLY-GHOSTING.

I'M SURPRISED A RAPPERHASN'T TOOK THAT

AND MADE ITINTO A DANCE ALREADY.

"DO THE HOLY GHOST.DO THE HOLY GHOST."

I GO TO BLACK STRIP CLUBS.

THE WHITE STRIP CLUBSARE BORING.

THEY'RE GOOD BARS.

THERE'S JUST LIQUOR THERE,SOME BORING NAKED CHICK.

THAT'S COOL.IT'S A GOOD BAR.

BAD STRIP CLUB.

THEY DANCE TO AWFUL SONGSIN WHITE STRIP CLUBS.

I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU DANCE TOMARILYN MANSON, THE DOPE SHOW.

I SAW THIS CHICK DANCING.SHE WAS DANCING

TO MADONNA, TAKE A BOW.

♪ ALWAYS BE

LIKE, WHY ARE YOU DANCINGTO THAT?

NOW I'M THINKING OF THE VIDEO.

IT WAS SAD, WITH THE MATADOR.

HE DIED OR SOMETHING.

[laughter]

WHY DON'T YOU DANCE TO THE SONGSTHAT RAPPERS MADE

SPECIFICALLYFOR THE STRIP CLUB?

♪ SHAKE THAT ASS

♪ WHILE I THROW MONEYTHAT I MADE SELLING CRACK ♪

LIKE, YO.

THIS IS GOOD--THIS IS GOOD MUSIC

FOR THIS ENVIRONMENT.

I LIKE--I'M A BIG RAP FAN.

I WENT TO A CONCERT.

I SAW THIS GROUP ODD FUTUREPERFORM.

[scattered cheers]

THEY HAVE SOME GOOD SONGS.

BUT THE CLOSING--THE HOOKTO THEIR CLOSING SONG WAS,

"KILL PEOPLE, BURN SHIT,[bleep] SCHOOL.

KILL PEOPLE,BURN SHIT, [bleep] SCHOOL."

BUT DOESN'T IT SEEM LIKE THEY'REGETTING MORE REASONABLE

AS THEY GO ALONG?

[laughter]

NOW "KILL PEOPLE,"THAT'S MURDER.

THAT'S AWFUL.

"BURN SHIT," IT DEPENDSON WHAT YOU'RE BURNING, RIGHT?

'CAUSE IF IT'SA CONTROLLED FIRE, GO AHEAD.

DO YOUR THING.

"[bleep] SCHOOL,"THAT'S JUST TRUANCY.

WHAT ARE YOU STANDING ON, MAN?THAT'S WEAK.

WHO HASN'T MISSED CLASSBEFORE?

THEY'RE GONNA GET MORE AND MOREREASONABLE IN THEIR RAPS.

"KILL PEOPLE, BURN SHIT,[bleep] SCHOOL,

"I HATE SPAM EMAIL.

"THAT'S ANNOYING.

"WHEN YOU THINK YOU GOTAN EMAIL FROM A FRIEND,

"AND IT'S SPAM.STOP MESSING WITH MY EMOTIONS!

"AND I HATE HOTEL TVs.

"WHY DO THEY ALWAYS STARTON THE MENU CHANNEL

"INSTEAD OF THE CHANNELI WAS WATCHING ALREADY?

I'VE ALREADY SEEN LIMITLESS."

[laughter]

"WHY DOES iTUNES KEEP TRYINGTO GET ME

"TO DOWNLOAD A NEW VERSION?

"I GOT A NEW VERSIONA COUPLE DAYS AGO.

I'M FINE WITH THIS VERSION.IT PLAYS MUSIC."

[laughter]

[laughs]

YOUNG JEEZY.

HE HAS A SONG WHERE HE SAYS,"HOW STUPID? DUMB BIG.

MY ROOMS GOT ROOMS."

ALL RIGHT.

NAH, JEEZY,THOSE ARE CLOSETS.

THOSE AREN'T EXTRA ROOMSIN YOUR ROOMS.

JEEZY--HE'D BE THE WORSTREAL-ESTATE AGENT EVER.

"RIGHT HEREWE HAVE A 34-BEDROOM HOUSE.

"LET ME SHOW YOUAROUND THE PROPERTY.

"GREAT FEATURE OF THIS PLACE--SOME OF THE ROOMS

"HAVE EXTRA SMALLER ROOMSIN THEM.

"YOU HAVE TO SLEEPIN THESE ROOMS LIKE THIS.

"VERY UNIQUESLEEPING SITUATION

"INSPIRED BY THE JAPANESE.

"NOW LET ME SHOW YOUTO THE BATHROOM.

"THE BATHROOM IS GREAT.YOU HAVE A REGULAR-SIZE TUB.

THEN YOU HAVEA MINIATURE TUB--THE SINK."

I DO--I FEEL LIKE RAPAFFECTS

HOW I TALK WITH PEOPLETOO MUCH.

IT'S NOT GOOD.

I WAS TALKING WITH MY MOMON THE PHONE

AND SHE WAS TELLING ME--SHE WENT,

"HANNIBAL, SO I'M WATCHINGYOUR NIECE AND NEPHEW

FOR A WEEK WHILEYOUR SISTER IS GONE."

AND I WAS LIKE,"FOR A WEEK, MA?

"THEY WATCHIN' YOUFOR A WHOLE--

"YOU WATCHIN'FOR A WHOLE WEEK?

"ARE THEY PAYIN' YOUTO WATCH 'EM FOR A WEEK?

THAT'S A LONG TIME.YOU GETTIN' PAID?"

SHE SAID,"NO, HANNIBAL.

"A GRANDMOTHERDOESN'T HAVE TO GET PAID

TO WATCH HER GRANDKIDS."

AND I SAID,"YO, MA...

MONEY OVER EVERYTHING."

[laughter and applause]

THAT'S NOT HEALTHY.

SOMETIMES I GET DRUNK,

AND I GET INTO ARGUMENTSWITH TAXI DRIVERS,

AND I GET OUT THE CAB,AND I SLAM THE DOOR.

THAT'S NOT THE WAY TO WINAN ARGUMENT WITH A TAXI DRIVER.

THE WAY TO WIN ISYOU GET OUT THE CAB

AND YOU LEAVE THE DOOR OPEN.

THEN HE HAS TO STEP OUT, COMEAROUND, AND CLOSE THAT DOOR.

WHILE HE'S DOING THAT,I'M ON THE OTHER SIDE,

OPENING THE OTHER DOORS.

AND WE JUST KEEP GOINGAROUND AND AROUND

AND AROUND AND AROUND.

AND I GOT MY OWN BENNY HILLSITUATION GOING ON IN LIFE.

RIGHT.[humming Yakety Sax]

I GO TO FACEBOOK

AND SEARCH WHAT FACEBOOK FRIENDSI HAVE IN THAT CITY

AND I'LL HIT THEM UP.

AND SO I WAS IN ANN ARBOR,MICHIGAN,

AND I SAW THIS GIRL'S PICTURE,AND I SAID,

"HEY, WHAT'S UP?I'M IN TOWN DOING SHOWS.

WHAT ARE YOU UP TO?"

AND THEN I PRESS "SEND,"AND I READ IN HER PROFILE,

AND IT SAID, "BRANDY ATTENDSANN ARBOR HIGH SCHOOL."

I SAID, "OH, SHIT."

[laughter]

SO I SENT A SECOND MESSAGETHAT SAID,

"UH-OH. HA-HA.NEVER MIND."

BUT THE WAYFACEBOOK MESSAGING WORKS,

IF YOU SEND A MESSAGE,THEN SECOND MESSAGE

BEFORE THEY REPLYTO THE FIRST MESSAGE,

IT COMBINES THOSE INTOONE MESSAGE.

SO IT LOOKS LIKE I SAID,"HEY, WHAT'S UP?

"I'M IN TOWN DOING SHOWS.WHAT ARE YOU UP TO?

UH-OH, HA-HA, NEVER MIND."

LIKE I'M SOME TYPE OF REGRETFULPEDOPHILE OR SOMETHING.

BUT I COULDN'T JUSTNOT SEND THE MESSAGE.

SO I HAD TO SEND HERA THIRD MESSAGE.

I COULDN'T LEAVE IT LIKE THAT.

SAID, "BRANDY, FACEBOOKMESSAGING COMBINES THE MESSAGES.

"I SENT A MESSAGE SAYING'WHAT'S UP?'

"THEN I SAW THAT YOU WERE 16.

"I SENT ANOTHER MESSAGE SAYING,'NEVER MIND.'

"IT COMBINED THOSEINTO ONE MESSAGE,

"MAKING ME LOOK LIKEA REGRETFUL PEDOPHILE.

"THIS IS THE THIRD MESSAGE.IT ENDS RIGHT HERE.

GOOD-BYE FOREVER, OR...GOOD-BYE FOR TWO YEARS."

SCOUTING.

[laughter and applause]

IS MY TEENAGE COUSIN.

I DON'T LIKE HIM AT ALL,I THINK HE'S A HORRIBLE PERSON,

AND I HOPE HE DOESN'TGET INTO COLLEGE.

IF ONE OF Y'ALL WAS WHOOPINGHIS ASS RIGHT NOW,

I'D LET YOU GET FOUR MORE HITSIN BEFORE I STOP YOU.

LIKE, "HEY! HEY! HEY! HEY!

GET OFF MY COUSIN, MAN!"

HE ALWAYS TALKS TRASHABOUT MY COMEDY.

"HEY, HANNIBAL.

"WE WERE WATCHING YOUR STAND-UPON YOUTUBE.

IT WASN'T FUNNY, MAN."

SO I HAD TO FIGURE OUT,WHAT CAN I SAY BACK

TO THIS 17-YEAR-OLD BOYTHAT'LL DESTROY HIM?

'CAUSE I'M NOT LETTINGTHIS SLIDE.

I'M VERY PETTY,AND I FIGURED IT OUT.

AND I JUST ACCUSED HIMOF MASTURBATING,

BECAUSE TEENAGERSCAN'T HANDLE THAT.

THEIR PSYCHES ARE WEAK.

SO I SAY, "WHAT, MAN?YOU COMING FROM JACKING OFF?"

HE GOES, "NO, I WASN'TJACKING OFF, HANNIBAL!

"WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?I DO NOT JACK OFF!

I WILL NEVER JACK OFF!GET OUT OF HERE, HANNIBAL!"

[laughter]

"WHY YOU WANT METO GET OUT OF HERE,

SO YOU CAN JACK OFF?"

"NO!"

THAT WON'T WORK ON ME.I'M 28.

YOU SAY, "HANNIBAL,YOU JACKING OFF?"

"YEAH.YES, I WAS JACKING OFF.

"I WAS JACKING OFF SO I CANHAVE SEX FOR LONGER LATER.

"THAT'S GROWN MAN STUFF.

I'M PLANNING OUT MY LIFE."

SOMETIMES WHEN I WATCH PORN,

I PUT MY HOODIE ONSO I FEEL CREEPIER.

YEAH!

SOMETIMES I GET UNDERTHE COMPUTER

SO IT FEELS LIKEI'M SPYING ON HER.

LIKE, "YEAH."

[laughter]

EVERYBODY NEEDS A MASTURBATIONHOODIE, IN MY OPINION.

IT'S NECESSARY.

YOU HAVE TO KEEP YOURTOP WARM

BECAUSE YOUR BOTTOMIS EXPOSED.

LIFE IS ALL ABOUT BALANCE.

[laughter]

I MEET SOME CRAZY WOMEN.

I MET THIS ONE GIRL AT A BAR.IT WAS...

3:00 IN THE MORNING.

WE HAD SOME DRINKS,GO BACK TO HER PLACE.

4:00 IN THE MORNING,WE GET THERE,

SHE SAYS, "ALL RIGHT,DON'T TRY TO HOOK UP WITH ME."

"DON'T TRY TO HOOK UP?

"YOU JUST BROUGHT ME,A STRANGER,

"BACK TO YOUR PLACE AT 4:00IN THE MORNING.

"WHAT'S YOUR MOTIVATION?

"BECAUSE YOU COULDN'TPOSSIBLY THINK

"I WANT TO TALK WITH YOUTHIS LONG.

AND SHE SAID,"I WOULD LIKE TO HOOK UP,

BUT I RECENTLYHAD AN ABORTION."

[scattered laughter]

I SAID, "WELL, DO YOU WANTTO HAVE ANOTHER ONE?"

[laughter]I DIDN'T SAY THAT!

I WOULD NEVER SAY SOMETHINGLIKE THAT OUT LOUD.

FIX YOUR FACE.DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT.

I LOST MY DEBIT CARD RECENTLY.

I HAD FIVE CHARGES ON ITBEFORE I CAUGHT IT.

FIRST CHARGE, $30,CHUCK E. CHEESE.

WHO GOES TO CHUCK E. CHEESE

AS SOON AS THEY FINDA DEBIT CARD?

ARE YOU SERIOUS?

"HEY, I JUST FOUND THISDEBIT CARD.

"WHO'S UP FOR SOMEHORRIBLE PIZZA AND WHAC-A-MOLE?

"LET'S GO RIGHT NOW.

"WHO'S UP FOR FLAT PEPSIAND AIR HOCKEY?

"LET'S GET IT WHILE WE CAN.TIME IS OF THE ESSENCE.

THIS DUDE IS ABOUTTO CANCEL THIS, Y'ALL."

FIRST CHARGE, CHUCK E. CHEESE.

SECOND CHARGE,$170 AT TARGET.

THIRD CHARGE, $300 AT WALMART.

FOURTH CHARGE, $18 ON GAS.

FIFTH CHARGE...CHUCK E. CHEESE AGAIN.

WHAT TYPE OF MONSTER ARE YOU?

YOU DIDN'T HAVE ENOUGH FUNTHE FIRST TIME?

DID MY CARD GET STOLENBY A NINE-YEAR-OLD

OR BY SOME HORRIBLE,BROKE FATHER

WHO CAN FINALLY TAKE HIS KIDSOUT WITH MY MONEY?

I HOPE THEY HAD A HORRIBLE TIMEON THE SECOND OUTING,

HOPE THE PIZZA MADEHIS FAMILY SICK,

AND I HOPE HIS KIDSNEVER LEARN TO READ.

[laughter]

THEN ANOTHER TIME MY CARDGOT STOLEN,

SOMEBODY WAS CHARGING UPCRAZY STUFF IN CALIFORNIA.

I LIVE IN NEW YORK.

TWO SEPARATE $400 CHARGESAT BARNES & NOBLE.

WHO BALLS OUT OF CONTROLAT BARNES & NOBLE?

WHO'S EVER SPENT MORE THAN80 BUCKS THERE?

AND I HATE VISAFRAUD PREVENTION

FOR NOT KNOWING I'M NOTTHE TYPE OF GUY

TO SPEND $800 IN 30 MINUTESON BOOKS.

YOU DON'T WANT TO CALL MEAND CHECK THAT ONE OUT?

"WELL, WE THOUGHT MAYBE YOU WENTON A KNOWLEDGE BINGE."

"NAH.

"NO, I DIDN'T GO ONA KNOWLEDGE BINGE.

"THAT WASN'T ME.WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL ME?

"YOU KNOW WITH YOUR WHOLE HEARTTHAT WASN'T ME.

"I REALLY WISHYOU WOULD HAVE CALLED ME,

'CAUSE SOMETIMES YOU CALL MEFOR SOME OF THE SILLIEST STUFF."

"HEY, MR. BURESS,IT'S FRAUD PREVENTION JUST DOING

"A COURTESY CALL.

"I WANTED TO VERIFY THIS$3 CHARGE ON BREAD

TWO BLOCKS AWAYFROM YOUR HOUSE."

[laughter]

"YEAH, THAT WAS ME SPENDING$3 ON BREAD

"TWO BLOCKS AWAYFROM MY HOUSE,

"BUT THAT WASN'T ME SPENDING$800 ON BOOKS

ACROSS THE [bleep] COUNTRY."

THEN A $600 CHARGEAT BED BATH & BEYOND,

SO I KNOW I WAS DEALINGWITH A WOMAN.

THAT LUFFA-BUYING [bleep].

HOW MANY BODY WASHESDOES SHE NEED?

HOPE THE SHEETS GAVEHER FAMILY BEDBUGS,

AND I ALSO HOPE HER KIDSNEVER LEARN TO READ.

AND IF HER KIDS ALREADY KNOWHOW TO READ,

I HOPE THEY FORGETHOW TO READ.

THEN THEY CAN'T GET USAGE OUTOF $800 WORTH OF BOOKS.

AND I KNOW SOME OF Y'ALLTIGHTENED UP

WHEN I CALLEDTHAT WOMAN A [bleep],

BUT SOMEBODY STEALMORE THAN $1,000 FROM ME,

I'LL CALL 'EMWHAT THE [bleep] I WANT.

OVER THE PAST YEAR, SO, UH--

PEOPLE LOVE TO TELL YOUWHEN YOU'VE GAINED WEIGHT.

THEY GIVE YOU NO ADVICEAFTERWARD.

"HEY, YOU GOT FAT.

ALL RIGHT, SEE YOU LATER."AND THAT'S--

THAT'S IT.

THE WEIRDEST PEOPLE IN MY LIFETALK TO ME ABOUT MY WEIGHT.

MY GRANDMOTHER--"HANNIBAL,YOU'VE GAINED WEIGHT."

"WHAT DOES THIS MEAN, GRANDMA?WE CAN'T [bleep] ANYMORE?

"AND WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO MEABOUT MY WEIGHT?

YOU'RE MY GRANDMOTHER."

"HANNIBAL,YOU GAINING WEIGHT."

"YEAH, YOUR TITTIESARE REALLY SAGGING, GRANDMA.

"WHY ARE WE TALKING ABOUTEACH OTHER'S BODIES RIGHT NOW?

"I DON'T KNOWWHAT YOUR MOTIVATION WAS.

I WAS JUST BEING DEFENSIVE."

[laughter]

I DO EAT AT RESTAURANTSA BUNCH.

WHENEVER I EATAT A RESTAURANT,

I NEVER PUT THE NAPKININ MY LAP.

I NEVER PUTTHE NAPKIN IN MY LAP.

AND PEOPLE SAY,"HANNIBAL, WHY DON'T YOU PUT

THE NAPKIN IN YOUR LAP?"

BECAUSE I BELIEVE IN MYSELF.

I BELIEVE IN MY ABILITYTO NOT SPILL FOOD IN MY PANTS,

'CAUSE I'M A GODDAMN ADULT,

AND I HAVE MASTERED THE ARTOF GETTING FOOD FROM MY PLATE

TO MY MOUTHWITHOUT MESSING UP MY JEANS.

YOU NEED TO BELIEVE IN YOURSELF,TOO, AND GET YOUR LIFE TOGETHER.

THAT'S FOR BABIES.

HAVE SOME CONFIDENCEIN YOUR EATING ABILITIES

AND HAND-EYE COORDINATION.

BELIEVE IN YOURSELF!

BELIEVE IN YOURSELF

LIKE ONE OF THOSEWEIRD-ASS CLOTHING STORES

THAT ONLY HAVE SIX SHIRTSIN 'EM.

SO MANY QUESTIONS--HOW MUCH DO THESE SHIRTS COST?

HOW LONG HAVE Y'ALL BEEN HERE?WHY IS THERE A DJ?

YOU EVER BEEN IN A STORE--

"HEY, CAN I CHECK OUTTHIS SHIRT?"

"NAH, I'M SPINNING RIGHT NOW."

I WANT TO--

[laughter]

I LOVE APPLE JUICE.

IT'S MY FAVORITEOF THE JUICES.

UH, ONE DAY,ME AND MY GIRLFRIEND

GO TO THE GROCERY STORE.

MOTT'S FRESH-PRESSED NATURALAPPLE JUICE,

$1.79 FOR A HALF GALLON.

THAT'S A GREAT SALE.WE GET EIGHT BOTTLES.

EIGHT BOTTLES IS ALLWE HAVE ON THE BELT.

IN FRONT OF US IS AN OLD MANLOOKING BACK, SHAKING HIS HEAD.

"NO, NOPE, NAH."

"NO, WHAT'S WRONG, OLD MAN?

"YOU MAD 'CAUSE WE HAVEALL THIS APPLE JUICE?

"YOU CAN GO GET SOME TOO.IT'S OVER THERE IN AISLE FOUR.

"BUT IF NOT,STOP JUDGING US.

"HELL, YEAH, WE ARE HOARDINGAPPLE JUICE,

"TAKING ADVANTAGE OF THIS SALEBEFORE THIS STORE REALIZES

"WHAT A HORRIBLE MISTAKETHEY'VE MADE.

"AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

"WE'RE BACK HERE HAPPYWITH OUR APPLE JUICE,

"AND YOU UP THERE LONELYWITH YOUR CHILI AND YOUR BEANS,

YOU LONELYCHILI-AND-BEANS-EATIN' OLD MAN."

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