Tony Roberts, Dante Nero & Brandon Glover

  • Season 1, Ep 1
  • 07/11/2010

Tony Roberts' grandmother is pregnant, Dante Nero thinks it's great to raise kids in a rough neighborhood, and Brandon Glover discovers that his gay uncle sells gay weed .

SERVING DRINKSWITH DRINKING PROBLEMS.

YOU ORDER A DAMN DRINK,SHE COMES BACK,

THERE'S STUFF MISSINGOUT YOUR GLASS.

THIS IS PINA.WHERE THE HELL IS THE COLADA?

[slurring speech]YOU ORDERED COLADA TOO?

YOU BETTER STOP DRINKINGPEOPLE DRINKS.

HOW DID YOU GET THE PINAOUT OF THE COLADA?

THAT'S WHAT I'M TRYINGTO FIGURE OUT.

I WAS AT A COMEDY CLUBONE NIGHT, MAN.

I HAD TO CUT THROUGH THE KITCHENTO GET ONSTAGE.

NOW, WHO DESIGNEDTHIS FLOOR PLAN

WHERE YOU GOT TO CUT THROUGHTHE KITCHEN TO GET ONSTAGE?

I'M SEEING ALL KIND OF MESSGOING ON IN THIS DAMN KITCHEN.

THERE WAS A DUDEIN THE KITCHEN

MAKING CRUSHED ICE BY HAND.

[imitates ice crushing]

WHOA!

OOH, THAT ICE COLD AS HELL!

OOH!

DUDE IN THERE FRYING CHICKENAND BUFFALO WINGS.

THERE'S GREASE POPPINGEVERYWHERE.

YOU'RE GETTING GREASEEVERYWHERE!

GREASE ON THE DAMN FLOOR.

I'M LIKE, "HEY, MAN, YOU GOTGREASE ON THE DAMN FLOOR.

"GOD DAMN, MAN!

"THIS IS RIDICULOUS, MAN.

"YOU GOT GREASE EVERYWHERE.

"HEY, MAN, YOU GOT GREASEON THE DAMN FLOOR.

"GOD DAMN, DOG!

"HOW THE HELL ARE YOUSTANDING UP?

"THIS IS CRAZY.

WHAT YOU GOT ON, CLEATS?"

HE GOT ON CLEATS.HOW THE HELL--

WHY AM I--I ALMOST SLID--I SLID MY ASS OFF THE STAGE.

WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING?

THEY GOT GREASE EVERYWHERE!

JESUS!

WHAT IS HAPPENING?I CAN'T EVEN GET MY ASS--

GOD DAMN!

I CAN'T GET TO THE STAGE.

THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

YOU GOT GREASE EVERYWHERE.

RUSSELL SIMMONSIN THE HOUSE, Y'ALL!

[cheers and applause]YEAH.

MM. MM.

I JUST WANTTO HIT YOUR HAND,

AND I WAS HOPING YOU WOULD,LIKE, HIT MY HAND

AND LEAVE A $1,000 BILL INMY HAND OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

BUT YOU AIN'T LEAVE NOTHING!

[laughter]

[cheers and applause]

RICH BASTARD!

MAN!

DJ CASSIDY, WE ARE BLESSED.- WE ARE.

- HOW MANY PEOPLE GET A CHANCETO PERFORM UNDER CHANDELIERS?

THEY NEED TO PUT THE CHANDELIERIN A CARDBOARD BOX.

THEN WE'LL BRINGA HOMELESS GUY

AND MAKE HIM FEEL GOODABOUT HIMSELF.

WE ARE BLESSED, MAN.

THIS ISA BEAUTIFUL BUILDING, MAN.

I'M TELLING YOU,COMEDIANS, WE PERFORM

IN SOME RAGGEDY-ASSCOMEDY CLUBS, RIGHT?

YOU DJ IN RAGGEDY-ASS CLUBSALL THE TIME, RIGHT, CASSIDY?

- OF COURSE. OF COURSE.- RAGGEDY-ASS CLUBS!

THIS IS A BLESSINGRIGHT HERE.

THIS IS A BLESSING,MR. RUSSELL SIMMONS.

YOU UNDERSTAND, SIR?IT'S A BLESSING!

BELIEVE ME, MAN,

I'M A RAGGEDY-ASS-CLUBCONNOISSEUR.

IF YOUR CLOTHES GET DIRTYIN THE PARKING LOT,

IT'S JUST AS NASTY AND RAGGEDYINSIDE THAT DAMN CLUB.

GET OUT THE CAR, SOMEBODY'S DOGIS FOLLOWING YOU AROUND.

WHO DAMN DOG IS THIS?

GET YOUR ASS OUT OF HERE!

GET YOUR ASS OUT OF HERE!

CUT THIS DAMN GRASS!

WHY THIS DAMN GRASSSO LONG?

THIS IS CRAZY.WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?

WE GOT A SNAKE OUT HERE.

WHY IS THERE A SNAKEIN THE DAMN PARKING LOT?

GET YOUR ASS OUT OF HERE![imitates dog yelping]

WHO DAMN DOG IS THIS?

THERE'S A SNAKE OUT HEREIN THE PARKING LOT!

WHY YOU GOT SNAKESIN THE PARKING LOT?

WHO DAMN DOG IS THIS?

GET YOUR ASS OUT OF HERE.

IT'S LIKE YOU STEPPIN'IN A DAMN BEAR TRAP.

OUCH!

WHY IS THERE A BEAR TRAPIN THE PARKING LOT?

OUCH!

WHO DAMN DOG IS THIS?

THERE'S A DAMN SNAKE,A BEAR TRAP,

AND A DAMN DOGIN THE PARKING LOT!

WHAT IS GOING ONAROUND HERE?

CUT THIS DAMN GRASS!

GOT A DAMN BEAR TRAP.

WHAT IS A BEAR TRAP DOINGIN THE PARKING LOT?

[cheers and applause]