CC Presents: Louis Ramey

  • Season 5, Ep 5
  • 07/29/2001

VERY GLAD TO BE HERE!

LAST WEEK I WAS IN MOBILE,

ALABAMA.

VERY GLAD TO BE HERE!

(LAUGHTER)

THERE ARE MUTANTS IN MOBILE.

THEY GOT SOCIAL MUTANTS.

THEY GOT

REDNECKS-WANNA-BE-YUPPIES

THAT COULDN'T QUITE MAKE THAT

CROSSOVER?

THEY'VE GOT BMW'S, AND PUT

MUD TIRES ON THEM, KNOW WHAT

I'M TALKING ABOUT?

PORCHES WITH RIFLE RACKS?

DEEP FRIED SUSHI...

(LAUGHTER)

JUST GLAD TO BE TALKING

TO A CROWD WITH TEETH TONIGHT--

THAT'S VERY IMPORTANT RIGHT NOW.

YEAH.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

THE REASON I WAS THERE--

I WAS THE BEST MAN AT A FRIEND

OF MINE'S WEDDING.

THAT WAS PRETTY EXCITING.

OUT OF CURIOSITY HERE--

HOW MANY WOMEN HAVE BEEN

THE BRIDESMAID AT SOMEBODY'S

WEDDING--

CLAP... IF YOU'VE BEEN

A BRIDESMAID.

(WOMEN CLAPPING)

LET ME ASK YOU THIS.

WAS IT THE UGLIEST DRESS YOU

EVER WORE IN YOUR ENTIRE LIFE?

(WOMEN CHEER)

YEAH, AND I DON'T KNOW WHERE

HE GOT THESE TUXEDOS.

HE LOOKED LIKE JAMES BOND

I LOOKED LIKE JAMES BROWN.

(LAUGHTER)

LITTLE VELVET COLLAR--

LITTLE SATIN STRIPE GOING DOWN

THE LEG AND I WALK INTO CHURCH

LOOKING LIKE A BACKUP SINGER

FROM SOME OLD MOTOWN GROUP.

HEY, HOW Y'ALL DOIN'?

WE THE WETLOCKS.

YEAH.

YOU TAKE THIS WOMAN?

YOU DO?

♪ HE SAY HE DO

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

BEING THE BEST MAN, YOU'RE IN

CHARGE OF THE BACHELOR PARTY.

I THROW GOOD BACHELOR PARTIES--

GOOD BACHELOR PARTIES.

YOU KIND OF WAKE UP AT

FIVE O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING,

YOU'RE ONLY CONCERN IS TO MAKE

BAIL.

(LAUGHTER)

AND WE DRANK SAMBUCA ALL NIGHT.

I LOVE SAMBUCA.

DRANK LIKE A BOTTLE AND A HALF

OF THIS STUFF.

HAD WHAT IS KNOWN AS A SAMBUCA

DREAM.

IT LAST LIKE THREE HOURS IN

TECHNICOLOR AND THERE'S CREDITS

ROLLING AT HE END.

I REMEMBER THIS ONE SCENE WHERE

I'M IN A HOT TUB WITH

TYRA BANKS, JENNIFER LOPEZ--

AND YOU WERE THERE, SWEETIE,

YOU WERE THERE.

(LAUGHTER)

YEAH, HE WAS THERE, TOO,

BUT HE WAS RUNNING THE CAMERA.

AND, AH...

(LAUGHTER)

THINGS WERE GOING GREAT.

THIS WHOLE RABBIT PLAYING A

BASS DRUM, STARTED TALKING TO

THE CHIHUAHUA SPEAKING SPANISH.

(LAUGHTER)

MUST'VE BEEN SLEEPWALKING,

BECAUSE WHEN I WOKE UP, I WAS IN

A GREYHOUND STATION COMPLETELY

NAKED HANDCUFFED TO A GOAT.

IT WAS LEGAL, CAUSE THE GOAT

WAS WEARING A WEDDING DRESS,

YOU KNOW.

(AUDIENCE GROANS)

THE PICTURES CAME OUT NICE--

WE DIDN'T GET MANY PRESENTS,

BUT I THINK HER KIDS MIGHT

COME OUT LOOKING PRETTY COOL.

SEE, CAUSE GOATS HAVE KIDS--

IT'S A PUN.

SEE, GOATS HAVE...

HEY, WELL (BLEEP) YOU, TOO,

PEOPLE.

NOTHING'S GOING TO RUIN MY DAY--

I'M FEELING TOO GOOD...

I PLAYED SOME PRACTICAL JOKES--

LOVE PRACTICAL JOKES-- LOVE 'EM.

LIKE YOU GO TO FAST FOOD

RESTAURANTS, AND ORDER STUFF

THEY DON'T HAVE.

GOTTA TRY THAT.

GO TO BURGER KING OR SOMETHING.

HEY, BURGER KING-- I CAN HAVE IT

MY WAY, HUH?

WHEW!

LOOK AT THAT MENU--

AH! AH-AH.

HOLD ON SCREECH, BE RIGHT WITH

YOU-- HOLD ON, BRO.

AH-- LET ME HAVE THE UH, CATFISH

DINNER, WITH BRUSSELL SPROUTS,

TWO BISCUITS, AND A COORS LIGHT.

GUY BEHIND THE COUNTER'S

GOIN'...

(LAUGHTER)

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

(APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER)

FIFTEEN MINUTES OF FUN,

RIGHT THERE.

IT WAS FIVE MINUTES OF HIM

LOOKIN', FIVE MINUTES OF THE

MANAGER LOOKIN'.

FIVE MINUTES OF THE MANAGER ON

THE PHONE WITH THE HOME OFFICE.

YEP, WE'RE OUT OF BEER.

(LAUGHTER)

ANOTHER THING I LIKE TO DO--

I LIKE TO GO TO TANNING SALONS.

I LOVE THAT-- LOVE GOING TO

TANNING SALONS.

YEAH.

I DON'T ACTUALLY GO INSIDE,

THOUGH, I STAND OUTSIDE,

RIGHT BY THE ENTRANCE GOING...

AAHHH!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

AAHHH!

SEE?

SOME GET IT-- SOME DON'T.

SEE HOW THAT WORKS?

THERE'S GONNA BE SOME PEOPLE

WALKING AROUND TOMORROW GOING--

JOHN, WATCH THIS--

AAHHH!

THINK THAT'S FUNNY?

MY SISTER JUST HAD A BABY.

PRETTY EXCITED ABOUT THAT.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

YEP.

YEP.

I'M A NEW UNCLE NOW.

PRETTY EXCITED.

UH, I WAS THERE-- I SAW THIS

BABY WHEN IT WAS NINE MINUTES

OLD.

NINE MINUTES OLD.

IF YOU'RE A GUY, AND YOU'VE

NEVER SEEN A NEWBORN CHILD,

LET ME TELL YOU NOW--

IT'S THE MIRACLE OF LIFE.

NOTHING MORE DELICATE.

NOTHING QUITE AS UGLY AS A

NEWBORN CHILD.

THEY GOT NO HAIR--

THEY GOT NO TEETH--

THEY'RE LIKE ALIENS.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

THAT'S NOT A BABY!

THAT'S A JUNKIE!

WHAT...

OF COURSE WITH MY SISTER HAVING

A BABY, YOU KNOW,

NOW THE ENTIRE FAMILY'S ALWAYS

WONDERING WHEN I'M GETTING

MARRIED.

I DATE-- I'M JUST I'M NOT VERY

GOOD AT IT.

NO, I DON'T PICK UP ON THE

SUBTLE MESSAGES WOMEN GIVE OFF.

I USUALLY DON'T EVEN REALIZE

THE RELATIONSHIP'S OVER UNTIL

THAT RESTRAINING ORDER SHOWS UP

IN THE MAIL.

(LAUGHTER)

THEN I'M JUST THINKING SHE'S

PLAYING HARD TO GET.

YEAH!

I MEAN, WE STILL SEE EACH OTHER.

WELL, SHE DOESN'T SEE ME.

(LAUGHTER)

CAUSE I'M HIDIN' IN THE BUSHES.

BUT, UH...

WE GOT A NEW PRESIDENT.

(SILENCE)

I CAN TELL YOU'RE HAPPY ABOUT

THAT.

A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T LIKE HIM--

GOTTA BE HONEST WITH YA.

I DON'T KNOW THAT MUCH ABOUT

BUSH...

(LAUGHTER)

OH-- WAIT A MINUTE, ALL I KNOW

ABOUT MR. BUSH IS HIS FATHER.

HIS FATHER WAS AN EXCELLENT

PRESIDENT.

EXCELLENT PRESIDENT.

FOR COMEDY.

(LAUGHTER)

SOME OF THE BEST MATERIAL

CAME FROM THAT MAN.

REMEMBER WHEN HE GOT SICK ON

NATIONAL TELEVISION?

STARTED BLOWING CHUNKS ON

DIGNITARIES?

WHAT A PROUD DAY TO BE AN

AMERICAN.

WOULD HAVE LOVED TO HAVE BEEN

AT THAT PARTY.

ME STANDING THERE--

GEORGE IN THE CORNER...

(MAKES BARF NOISE)

OH.

PEOPLE ASKING ME IF I'M

AN AMERICAN?

I'M GOING-- BUDDA MA GIGGA MOMO.

(LAUGHTER)

BUDD MA GIGGA MOMO.

(APPLAUSE)

TITOMARLINLATOYA!

SEE, THOSE ARE THE JACKSONS.

SEE?

TITO, MARLIN?

WELL, MAYBE NOT LATOYA...

BUT UM...

HEY, SHE'S PSYCHIC, SHE SAW IT

COMING.

(LAUGHTER)

NOW, I DON'T KNOW WHY

POLITICIANS LIE.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT.

TELL US, WE CAN HANDLE IT.

I'LL VOTE FOR THE FIRST PERSON

THAT JUST ADMITS TO EVERYTHING.

FIRST PERSON THEY WALK UP TO

AND GO, EXCUSE ME, DID YOU SLEEP

WITH THAT WOMAN?

YEAH, WHAT'S UP BABY?

HOW YOU DOIN', GIRL?

YEAH, I SLEPT WITH HER, (BLEEP).

I'D SLEEP WITH HER AGAIN.

WHAT'S UP, BABY?

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

WHAT?

DID I EVER DO DRUGS?

YEAH.

I DID SOME DRUGS.

(LAUGHS)

ONCE?

(BLEEP).

I DON'T KNOW HOW MANY TIMES

I DID DRUGS.

I KNOW I WAS DOING HER WHEN

I WAS DOING THE DRUGS.

I CAN TELL YOU THAT.

(LAUGHTER)

WHAT?

TAXES?

NO, NOT THAT YEAR--

I WASN'T EVEN WORKING-- I WAS

JUST DOING HER AND DOING DRUGS.

WHAT?

DRAFT?

YEAH, I'LL HAVE ONE.

YOU WASN'T ONE, BABY?

(LAUGHTER)

I ALWAYS WONDER WHY WE SPEND

SO MUCH MONEY ON DEFENSE?

WHO THE HELL ARE WE DEFENDING

OURSELVES AGAINST?

CANADIANS?

NOPE.

WE GOT MISSILES--

THEY GOT MOOSE.

(LAUGHTER)

OUR CLOSEST ENEMY IS CASTRO.

ANYBODY SCARED OF CASTOR?

NAH.

THAT'S LIKE PISSING OFF

THE SLOW KID IN SCHOOL.

(LAUGHTER)

NO ONE IS EVER GOING TO ATTACK

THIS COUNTRY.

EVER.

EVER.

EVER.

YOU KNOW WHY?

WE GOT TOO MANY REDNECKS.

WE GOT TOO MANY GOOD OLD BOYS

WITH AN ARSENAL IN THEIR

BASEMENT, WAITIN' FOR SOMETHING

TO GO DOWN.

YOU THINK IF CASTRO ATTACKS

SOUTH FLORIDA, THERE'S ANY WAY

THE MARINES ARE GOING TO GET

THERE BEFORE GEORGIA, ALABAMA,

MISSISSIPPI, LOUISIANA AND

TEXAS?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THERE'LL BE A LINE OF PICKUP

TRUCKS AND NASCARS HEADING DOWN

I-95, WITH JOHN ROCKER AND

CHARLTON HESTON LEADING THE WAY.

(LAUGHTER)

YEAH, THE MARINES WOULD SHOW UP

THREE HOURS LATER, THERE'LL BE

NOTHING BUT BEER CANS AND

SHOTGUN SHELLS.

WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED HERE?

THE WAR'S OVER, BABY!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I DON'T KNOW BUSH THAT MUCH,

BUT I DO KNOW TEXAS--

BEEN TO TEXAS.

PEOPLE BEEN TO TEXAS?

(APPLAUSE)

ALL RIGHT, YOU ESCAPED!

(LAUGHTER)

TEXAS IS NOT A BAD PLACE.

IT'S JUST THAT THERE'S NO LITTLE

POLITICAL APOLOGY FOR ANYTHING.

THEY DON'T APOLOGIZE FOR

ANYTHING.

HEY, YOU GOT A LOT OF GUNS

AROUND HERE.

YEAH!

OKAY.

THAT'S NOT THE RESPONSE

I WAS LOOKING FOR.

I HEAR YOU EXECUTE A LOT OF

PEOPLE, TOO.

YEAH!

ALL RIGHT, I'M OUTTA HERE.

I WAS ACTUALLY THERE WHEN

CARLA FAY TUCKER WAS GOING TO BE

EXECUTED.

REMEMBER HER?

FIRST WOMAN EXECUTED SINCE

THE CIVIL WAR.

PEOPLE SIGNING PETITIONS.

YOU CAN'T DO IT.

THEN THE POPE CALLED?

POPE SAID YOU CAN'T DO IT.

SHE FOUND GOD.

YOU CAN'T DO IT.

AND THEY DID IT.

WELCOME TO TEXAS.

(LAUGHTER)

IT TAKES A LOT OF BALLS TO SAY

NO TO THE POPE, DOESN'T IT?

HEY, HEY, PADRE, HOW ARE YOU

DOING, MAN?

CARLA?

YEAH, SHE'S HERE.

BORN AGAIN?

HELL, WE'LL FRY HER TWICE.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

THEY SHOULD ACTUALLY PUT A GUY

IN THE ELECTRIC CHAIR ON THE

SIGN WHEN YOU ENTER TEXAS.

WELCOME TO TEXAS.

LITTLE GUY IN THE CHAIR GOING--

DON'T (BLEEP) UP.

YEAH, DOING A LOT OF TRAVELING.

I WAS IN DETROIT.

I HAVE A HISTORY WITH DETROIT.

I HAD A RENTAL CAR STOLEN IN

DETROIT ABOUT TWO YEARS AGO.

AND THEN HAD MY CAR STOLEN

LAST YEAR.

YEAH.

THEY GOT THE BEST CAR THIEVES

IN THE WORLD IN DETROIT.

YEAH, I DIDN'T THINK THEY COULD

TAKE MINE, CAUSE THE WINDOWS

WERE ROLLED UP, THE DOORS WERE

LOCKED...

I WAS IN THE CAR AT THE TIME,

ACTUALLY.

(LAUGHTER)

I WAS AT A RED LIGHT.

THEY GOT A LOT OF OUT-OF-WORK

AUTO WORKERS THERE, CAUSE I'M

SITTING THERE, AND I HEAR THIS

LIKE...

(IMITATES A POWER WRENCH)

(LAUGHTER)

(SOUND CONTINUES)

(LAUGHTER)

I LOOK BACK AND THE BACK SEAT

WAS GONE.

I TURN BACK AROUND, AND I'M

HOLDING TWO STICKS AND SITTIN'

ON BLOCKS.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

YEAH, I'M SITTING IN THE MIDDLE

OF THE STREET GOING--

YOU GUYS ARE GOOD!

YOU GUYS ARE GOOD!

MAN, I'D PAY TO SEE THAT AGAIN!

I'D PAY MONEY!

AH, DAMN, YOU GUYS WERE GOOD...

IT ONLY TOOK YOU...

DAMN!

(LAUGHTER)

I'VE BEEN PLAYING A LOT OF

BEEN TRAVELING TO MILITARY

BASES.

I'VE NOTICED THIS--

EVERY TIME I PLAY A MILITARY

BASE, THE SAME THING HAPPENS--

WE START DRINKING.

START TALKING POLITICS.

THEY BRING UP GAYS IN THE

MILITARY.

I ALWAYS TELL THEM THE SAME

THING-- I HOPE THEY PUT

THOUSANDS OF GAYS IN THE

MILITARY-- HUNDREDS OF...

MILLIONS!

WHOEVER WANTS TO GO--

PUT 'EM IN THERE!

IN FACT, IF I'M EVER IN

THE MILITARY, I WANT TO BE IN

AN ALL GAY PLATOON.

THE WAY I SEE IT, IF I'M IN A

FOXHOLE, AND I'VE GOT A GUN,

AND THERE'S A GAY GUY NEXT

TO ME, AND HE'S GOT A GUN,

MY THEORY'S PRETTY SIMPLE.

I WANT THE GUY COVERING MY ASS

TO THINK MY ASS IS PRETTY CUTE.

(LAUGHTER)

I WANT HIM FIGHTING FOR MORE

THAN JUST COUNTRY, HERE,

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

IF I GET SHOT, I DON'T WANT

SOMEBODY GOING TO GO GET A

MEDIC-- I WANT THEM TO SAY...

(IN A GAY VOICE)

THEY SHOT LOUIS?

(MACHINE GUN SOUNDS)

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

YEAH, SEE, IF I'M MISSING

IN ACTION, CHUCK NORRIS MIGHT BE

BUSY THAT WEEK.

THEY CALL FOR VOLUNTEERS TO COME

FIND ME, I WANT TO HEAR--

(GAY VOICE)

GIRL, WE GOTTA GO GET HIM!

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAU

THE SOUTH.

I PICK ON THE SOUTH BECAUSE

I'M FROM THE SOUTH.

I'M ORIGINALLY FROM ATLANTA.

YEP.

(SCATTERED APPLAUSE)

THREE PEOPLE CLAP-- THANK YOU

FOR THAT ROUND OF INDIFFERENCE.

EVERYONE TOGETHER NOW--

WHO CARES?

THAT'S OKAY-- I'M USED TO IT.

I MOVED TO NEW YORK--

TELL PEOPLE I'M FROM GEORGIA.

THEY GO-- NO, YOU'RE NOT, MAN.

YOU'RE WEARING SHOES.

LOOK.

(LAUGHTER)

COMES FROM STUFF LIKE THE

"DUKES OF HAZZARD,"

"THE ANDY GRIFFITH SHOW,"

"BEVERLY HILLBILLIES,"

THE MOVIE, "DELIVERANCE..."

(MAKES PIG SQUEALING SOUND)

YOU GO TO CHINA AND TELL PEOPLE

YOU'RE FROM GEORGIA,

THEY GO "GEORGIA!"

(MAKES PIG SQUEAL

WITH CHINESE ACCENT)

(LAUGHTER)

SO, LIKE I SAID I AM STARTING

THE DATING THING.

I'VE BEEN WORKING OUT.

HOW MANY OF YOU GUYS HERE WORK

OUT?

(SCATTERED APPLAUSE)

ALL RIGHT, JUST THE FOUR OF US,

ALL RIGHT GOOD.

THE REST YOU WATCHING LATE NIGHT

TV.

WANNA LOOSE WEIGHT?

NO.

(LAUGHTER)

I WORK OUT FOR THE SAME REASON

EVERYBODY WORKS OUT.

TO LOOK GOOD NAKED.

ESPECIALLY GUYS.

GUYS WANT TO BE THAT GUY WALKING

DOWN THE BEACH IN JAMAICA,

NO SHIRT ON.

PASS A GROUP OF WOMEN ALL YOU

HEAR IS: DAMN!

DID YOU SEE THAT?

THE LAST THING A GUY WANTS TO BE

IS THAT GUY WALKING DOWN

THE BEACH IN JAMAICA WITH

NO SHIRT ON AND HEAR DAMN.

OH, MY GOD.

DID YOU SEE THAT?

(LAUGHTER)

YOU KNOW WHAT I HATE--

THOSE BOOKS THAT TELL

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MEN

AND WOMEN.

'CAUSE THERE IS NO REAL

DIFFERENCE.

THE ONLY DIFFERENCE IS WOMEN

AND COMPLEX AND MEN ARE NOT.

MEN ARE VERY BASIC--

LITTLE SHORT LIST OF NEEDS

AND WANTS.

YOU MEET THOSE AND WE'RE

IN LOVE.

AND ALL MEN ARE THE SAME,

THAT'S THE BEAUTY OF IT,

WE'RE ALL THE SAME.

IF YOU'RE A WOMAN AND YOU DON'T

UNDERSTAND MEN, CHANCES ARE,

YOU'RE THINKING TOO HARD.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

GIVE YOU AN EXAMPLE--

ALL MEN HAVE THE SAME FANTASY,

TWO WOMEN.

THAT'S 'CAUSE WE'RE BASIC,

WE'RE CAVEMEN.

ASK THE GUY, WHAT'S GOOD?

WOMAN.

WHAT'S BETTER?

TWO WOMEN.

(LAUGHTER)

WHAT'S BETTER THAN THAT?

FIVE WOMEN!

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

WOMEN CAN DISCUSS THEIR ORGASMS.

MINE'S LIKE THIS, MINE'S LIKE

THAT.

MEN CAN'T DISCUSS THEIR ORGASMS

'CAUSE THEY'RE ALL THE SAME.

UHHHH!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

NOW, I KNOW THAT DOESN'T LOOK

LIKE A LOT TO YOU LADIES,

BUT BELIEVE ME, WE DO A LOT OF

CRAP FOR THAT.

FIGHT WARS, BUILD BRIDGES,

PAY COVER.

(AUDIENCE MEMBERS GROAN)

I WISH I HAD THAT KIND OF RECOIL

AGAIN.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

TAKE YOUR TIME.

NOW WOMEN, YOUR ORGASM,

IS A COMPLETE MYSTERY TO US.

WE HAVE NO IDEA HOW IT WORKS,

WHAT'S GOING ON--

COMPLETE MYSTERY.

IT'S LIKE...

(MAKES BUZZING SOUND)

(SCREAMS)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

FAMOUS IMPRESSIONS RIGHT NOW.

WORLD FAMOUS IMPRESSIONS.

YOU WON'T SEE ANYWHERE ELSE

IN THE WORLD, EXCEPT HERE ON

THIS STAGE.

PEOPLE COME FROM MILES AROUND

TO SEE ME DO THESE.

PEOPLE WILL COME FROM RAWWAY.

MY FIRST IMPRESSION,

FOR YOU MUSIC FANS.

THIS IS FIVE YEAR OLD

BARRY WHITE AND HIS FATHER.

FIVE YEAR OLD MUSIC LEGEND,

BARRY WHITE AND HIS FATHER.

YOU GUYS DO KNOW WHO BARRY WHITE

IS, RIGHT?

(LAUGHTER)

WELL, I'M KINDA ASKING 'CAUSE

THIS WHOLE SECTION RIGHT HERE.

CAUSE YOU GUYS-- THE CLASS

REUNION OF SAVED BY THE BELL.

(LAUGHTER)

THERE'S ZACH, SCREECH, KELLY,

SLATER.

DON'T WORRY MAN, YOUR SLATER.

CALM DOWN.

ALL RIGHT.

THIS IS FIVE YEAR OLD

BARRY WHITE AND HIS FATHER.

HEY, HEY, BARRY, WHAT'S WRONG?

WHY ARE YOU CRYING?

WHY ARE YOU CRYING?

OH, DID YOU DROP YOUR ICE-CREAM

CONE?

(DEEP VOICE)

GIVE ME YOUR CONE RIGHT THERE

ON THE FLOOR.

(LAUGHTER)

YOU KNOW, I'VE GOT SOME OTHER

IMPRESSIONS I CAN DO, PEOPLE.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

NOW, MY LAST AND FINAL

IMPRESSION--

USUALLY WHEN I DO THIS ONE,

PEOPLE STAND UP, DO THE WAVE,

LIGHT LIGHTERS, SCREAM,

FREE BIRD, THROW PANTIES

ON THE STAGE.

(LAUGHTER)

GOD I WANT YOU.

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

NO, NO, I'M NOT KIDDING.

I WANT YOU IN THE WORSE WAY.

WHICH IS STANDING UP IN A

HAMMOCK.

YOU KNOW, AH...

I CAN ACTUALLY HEAR PEOPLE DOING

THE MATH BACK THERE.

2 DIVIDED BY 4.

YEAH.

YEAH.

YOU'RE GONNA GET HURT THAT WAY.

DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT

SWEETY.

YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY,

ONCE YOU'VE GONE BLACK,

YOU CAN'T GET GET CREDIT.

AND IT'S TRUE.

(LAUGHTER)

OH, SO TRUE.

THEY CUT UP YOUR CREDIT CARDS.

YOU CAN'T RENT A CAR, I KNOW,

I'VE BEEN BLACK A WHILE.

THIS IS JUST FOR YOU, SWEETIE,

THIS IS MYSELF AND MENUPO

AT THE END OF A GAME.

IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHO MENUPO IS,

THAT'S OKAY.

HE WAS ONCE THE TALLEST

BASKETBALL PLAYER IN THE WORLD.

THE MAN'S LIKE SEVEN FOOT TWELVE

OR SOMETHING.

BIG GUY.

THIS IS-- SEVEN FOOT TWELVE,

FIVE PEOPLE LAUGH.

HEY-- GO PUBLIC SCHOOL.

NOT TRYING TO BE CONDENSATING

WITCH IS WATER STICKING TO A

COLD GLASS.

(SCATTERED APPLAUSE)

OKAY, THIS IS JUST FOR YOU.

THIS IS MYSELF AND MENUPO

AT THE-- GOD I WANT--

THIS IS MYSELF--

THE MOST BEAUTIFUL PERSONALITY--

THIS IS MYSELF AND MENUPO

AT THE END OF A GAME.

WHOO!

GREAT GAME, MENUPE!

FANTASTIC GAME.

FANTASTIC GAME.

HEY, YOU PASS THE SOAP?

GET OUT A HERE, MAN.

WHAT THE HELL-

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

'CAUSE HE'S SO TALL.

SHE'S ACTING LIKE SHE'S NEVER

SEEN ONE BEFORE.

MAYBE NOT THAT SHADE.

YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN F

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