Little Boy Malloy

  • Season 2, Ep 8
  • 10/22/2013

Sibling rivalry causes Ethel to pretend Malloy is her son. Steve attempts to impress a female teacher who bears a striking resemblance to him.

I GONNA FIND A HUSBAND?

- RACIST BITCH.

TREATING ME LIKEI'M A MEXICAN OR SOMETHING.

- WHERE AM I GONNA FINDA HUSBAND?

[gasps]UGH!

AND I NEED A KID.

HEY! PSST.LITTLE BOY.

DO YOU WANT SOME CANDY?

GOTCHA!

- AAH! HELP, DADDY!

- GET AWAY FROM MY KID!WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?

- I WANT YOUR SON.BAD!

I'VE GOT MONEY!

NO! WAIT!

YOU CAN JOIN IN AND PLAYMY HUSBAND!

[crying] PLEASE.

- THAT'S GOOD TO SEEYOU'RE DATING AGAIN.

- WELCOMETO BRICKLEBERRY PARK.

- THANK YOU.

IT'S SO NICE THEY HIRETHE MENTALLY CHALLENGED.

NOT REALLY.I HATE THEM.

- OH, MY GOD, THEY'RE HERE.

- WHAT?

AAH! NO! NO!

NO, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

[razor buzzes]GET AWAY FROM ME!

HELP! OH!

[knock on door]

- ETHEL.

OH, MY GOD.IT'S SO NICE TO SEE YOU.

THIS MUST BE MY NEPHEW.

- YOU ARE DEAD.

[growls]- UGH!

UGH!HA, HA, HA.

LITTLE CRANKY PANTS DIDN'THAVE HIS NAP.

- I AM GONNA [bleep] CLAWYOUR EYES OUT!

- TANTRUMS ARE NORMALFOR GIFTED KIDS.

- I'M NOT A KID.

I'M A WILD ANIMAL.

- AND HE HAS SUCH COLORFULIMAGINATION.

WELL, AND ADHD.

OW!

GO PLAY, HONEY.

- OH!

- UH, OKAY.

NOW WHERE'S THAT HUSBANDYOU WERE TELLING ME

SO MUCH ABOUT?

- UH, YEAH.HE'S--UM, AH--

- I'M RIGHT HERE, HONEY.- [muffled speech]

- HI, I'M CONNER.

ETHEL'S LOVING HUSBAND.

- [muffled screaming]

- WELL, I WISH WE COULD STAY,BUT YOU KNOW.

AL PACINO'S INA HOLDING PATTERN.

- LUCY, COME ON.LET'S GO.

WE GOTTA LET THESE TWO LOVEBIRDSRUB HOLES.

- OH, WELL.BACK TO OUR NORMAL LIVES.

- I HATE OUR NORMAL LIVES.

WAIT!YOU CAN'T LEAVE.

YOU'LL MISS MALLOY'S BIG PARTIN THE PLAY TOMORROW.

HE HAD TO FILL IN LAST MINUTE.

HE SAID SOMETHING HAPPENEDTO THE LEAD ACTOR.

- [gasping]

HELP! HELP!

- YOU CAN JUST SPENDTHE NIGHT WITH US.

- [growls]GREAT IDEA, CONNER.

- OH, YES.

I'D LOVE TO SEE MY NEPHEWIN A PLAY.

I JUST ADORE THE THEATER.

- WELL, LET'S DO IT.

- OH, BOY! OH, BOY!OH, BOY!

THAT MEANS I GET TO SLEEPIN THE BED WITH ETHEL.

LIKE WE ALWAYS DO.

'CAUSE WE'RE MARRIED.

AND WE'VE EXPLOREDEVERY WET, DARK CREVICE

OF EACH OTHER'S BODIES.

- OW!

- GOOD NIGHT, YOU THREE.SLEEP WELL.

- GOOD NIGHT.

UPPITY BITCH.

- SORRY I PULLED THIS ON YOU,ETHEL.

I JUST DON'T WANT THISTO END.

- YOU KNOW WHAT, CONNIE?

IT'S OKAY.

YOU'VE HELPED ME OUT SO MUCH.

ACTUALLY,THIS IS KIND OF...NICE.

- I KNOW.

I DON'T THINK I'VE EVER BEENTHIS HAPPY.

- YOU KNOW, IN A SAD WAY,ME TOO.

- THERE'S ONLY ONE THINGTHAT COULD MAKE THIS BETTER.

- EW!

CONNIE!

JESUS! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

- BUT I THOUGHT WE WEREA REAL FAMILY.

- CONNIE, WAKE UP!

THIS IS NOT REAL.

YOU'RE A LESBIAN,

AND OUR CHILD ISA SHAVED BEAR.

WE ARE NOTHING LIKE A FAMILY.

PRE-JACK KEN WOULD HAVEA BETTER SHOT AT ME

THAN YOU EVER WILL.

- IS EVERYTHING OKAY IN HERE?

- NO.

ETHEL, I WANT A DIVORCE!

- WHAT?

- AND I'M TAKINGTHAT NECKLACE BACK.

- WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?RETURN IT?

- YES, I AM.

I'M GONNA DIG UPYOUR GRANDMOTHER AGAIN

AND PUT IT BACKON HER [bleep] NECK!

- FINE.WAIT, WHAT?

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