Tuesday, March 4, 2014

  • 03/04/2014

Al Madrigal and the Sklar Brothers celebrate National Pancake Day, come up with half-baked ideas for video games and help J.J. Abrams cast the new "Star Wars" film.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNET

HEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

ROLL THIS CLIP HERE.

AS YOU GUYS CAN SEE HERE ON THE

YOUTUBE, LEBRON JAMES BASICALLY

WENT ALL "NBA JAM," HE'S ON

FIRE, LAST NIGHT WHEN HE SCORED

A CAREER HIGH 61 POINTS AGAINST

THE CHARLOTTE BOBCATS.

WHAT DID THE BOBCATS' OFFICIAL

TWITTER TWEET OUT AFTER THE

GAME?

A) BLESSED TO #WITNESS ONE OF

THE GREATS, HAIL KING JAMES.

B) COME TO WEDNESDAY NIGHT'S

GAME TO SEE HOW MANY POINTS PAUL

GEORGE SCORES AGAINST US.

(LAUGHTER)

C) CATS PASS 90 POINTS, THAT

MEANS 50% OFF @PAPAJOHN'S ALL

DAY TOMORROW.

YES, JAY.

>> I WANT IT TO BE C, SO BADLY,

BUT I AM GOING TO SAY IT WAS A.

>> Chris: THE CORRECT ANSWER IS,

IN FACT, C!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

ONE MAN'S HUMILIATING LOSS IS

ANOTHER MAN'S PROMOTIONAL PIZZA

DEAL.

SO LET ME EXPLAIN WHAT IS

HAPPENING HERE.

THE BOBCATS ARE OF SUCH A

CALIBER THEY ARE NOT EVEN

COMPETING AGAINST OTHER TEAMS,

THEY ARE JUST COMPETING AGAINST

BASKETBALL.

AND IF THEY DO WELL ENOUGH, YOU

GET HALF A FREE PIZZA.

THAT IS THE DEAL THAT HAPPENS

HERE.

>> WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE.

IT IS PAPA JOHN'S-- THAT COULD

ALSO BE A PUNISHMENT.

YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT NECESSARILY

A GIFT.

>> Chris: WELL, I LOVE THE IDEA

THAT IF THEY GET TO A CERTAIN

POINT THEN EVERYONE IS LIKE,

"HEY, PIZZA FOR EVERYBODY."

>> YES, IT IS KIND OF LIKE THE

AMERICAN GOVERNMENT, LIKE HEY,

DON'T PAY ATTENTION TO WHAT IS

GOING ON OVER HERE.

FREE FOOD, FREE FOOD!

>> Chris: DO YOU THINK WHEN

THIS HAPPENED THAT PAPA JOHN

HIMSELF IS LIKE WHAT THE (BLEEP)

IS GOING ON, YOU SAID THEY

WOULD NEVER HIT 90.

I'M GOING TO TAKE A BATH ON THIS

ONE.

WELL, IT IS FINALLY HERE,

NATIONAL PANCAKE DAY.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

WELL DONE, AMERICA.

IHOP HAS BEEN GIVING WAY FREE

PANCAKES ALL DAY LONG.

SO OF COURSE IT'S BEEN TRENDING

ON TWITTER.

FOR 100 POINTS PLEASE COME UP

WITH AN EVEN MORE RIDICULOUS

HOLIDAY THAT TWITTER WOULD

LIKELY EMBRACE.

JASON.

>> BRING SOMEONE ELSE'S DAUGHTER

TO WORK DAY.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: CREEPY POINTS!

>> HEY, COME ON, THAT'S--

DO YOU CALL THAT AMBER ALERT

MONDAY?

I LIKE THAT.

>> Chris: AL.

>> TAKE YOUR DAUGHTER TO TWERK

DAY.

>> Chris: POINTS!

#HASHTAGWARS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I AM VERY EXCITED ABOUT THIS TOO

BECAUSE THE FIRST TRAILER FOR

THE NEW VIDEO GAME "BATMAN:

ARKHAM KNIGHT" WAS RELEASED

TODAY.

AND WHEN THE GAME FINALLY COMES

OUT I'M SURE MANY FANS WILL BE

SPENDING DAYS ON END WITH ONLY

THE COMPANY OF THEIR BONGS IN

THEIR HANDS.

AND THE GAME TOO.

(LAUGHTER)

SO TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS

#STONERVIDEOGAMES.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

EXAMPLES WOULD BE WORLD OF

WEEDCRAFT OR MISS PAC-A-BOWL

MAN, OR DONKEY BONG.

THIS (BLEEP) WRITES ITSELF, YOU

GUYS.

I'M GOING TO PUT 60 SECONDS ON

THE CLOCK, AND GO.

YES, JASON.

>> CHRONIC THE HEDGEHOG.

>> Chris: POINTS!

YES, POINTS.

RANDY.

>> GRAND THEFT WHAT ARE WE DOING

HERE AGAIN?

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS!

POINTS!

AL MADRIGAL.

>> HASH BANDICOOT.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS, POINTS.

JASON.

>> DIG DOUG BENSON.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS.

OH YEAH, WAY POINTS.

WAY POINTS.

DOUG BENSON SHOUT OUT.

RANDY.

>> NO NEED FOR SPEED, BRO.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS!

AL.

>> CANDY CUSH.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: YEAH, YEAH, POINTS--

JASON.

>> CALL OF DOOBIE SPECIAL CROPS.

>> Chris: YES, WOW, A DOUBLE

RUN.

>> THE LEGEND OF DRY MOUTH.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: THE AUDIENCE DID

SUPPORT THAT ONE, I'LL GIVE YOU

POINTS.

>> THANK YOU.

>> Chris: AL.

>> HUNGRY BIRDS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: YEAH, JAY.

>> PLANTS VERSUS MUNCHIES.

KIND OF SPECIFIC.

>> Chris: NOW, CONCEPTUALLY I

WAS ON BOARD, BUT THE AUDIENCE

DROPPED THE BALL ON THAT, I'M

SORRY, NO POINTS.

CHAT!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

SNAPCHAT IS A DELIGHTFUL

PICTURE-SHARING APP THAT LETS

PEOPLE EDIT, CAPTION AND SHARE

PICS WITH ONE ANOTHER, THEN

DELETE THEM FROM THE USER'S

PHONE TO DESTROY ALL THE

EVIDENCE.

UNLESS YOU'RE FAMILIAR WITH A

LITTLE SOMETHING CALLED SCREEN

GRAB.

SO I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU GUYS A

SCREEN GRABBED SNAPCHAT.

AND THEN YOU REPLACE THE

CAPTION.

ALL RIGHT, IF IT'S FUNNY, YOU

GET 250 POINTS.

ALL RIGHT, HERE'S THE FIRST ONE.

THIS PHOTO BOMBING MOTHER.

OH GOOD LORD.

YES, JASON.

>> I AM HERE FROM THE FUTURE.

I AM HERE TO WARN YOU ABOUT YOUR

BOOBS.

>> WAIT A MINUTE.

(LAUGHTER)

>> WAIT A MINUTE.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS WORSE, THE

FACT THAT SHE IS FLASHING THE

CAMERA THERE OR THE FACT THAT

SHE STILL WEARS REVERSIBLE

CLOTHING.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: I'LL GIVE YOU POINTS

FOR THAT.

>> I HAVE ON REVERSIBLE

CLOTHING.

WHAT AM I DOING?

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, HOW ABOUT

THIS FELLOW?

HOW ABOUT THIS FELLOW?

(LAUGHTER)

YES, AL.

>> WELCOME TO RED ROBIN, PARTY

OF FOUR.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> I GOT ONE FOR THIS ONE,

TANKED TOP POWER BOTTOM.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THAT'S JUST WHO HE IS.

THAT'S WHO HE IS.

>> Chris: YEAH, THE AUDIENCE IS

BEHIND YOU.

I'LL GIVE YOU POINTS FOR THAT.

WHAT ABOUT THIS ONE?

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

>> THIS IS WHY PICASSO ONLY

WORKED IN TWO DIMENSIONS.

YOU KNOW, YOU SEE THIS, IT'S

LIKE--

(LAUGHTER)

>> GOLDIE HAWN DOES NOT LOOK

GOOD.

>> WITHOUT THE MAKE-UP, WITHOUT

THE MAKE-UP.

>> THAT WAS PRE-OSCAR MAKE-UP.

>> THAT'S AFTER A DATE WITH

CHRIS BROWN.

>> OH NO!

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

>> Chris: COME ON, GUYS.

WE'RE HAVING FUN HERE.

>> SHE'S STILL WITH HIM!

>> Chris: WE'RE HAVING FUN HERE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU A TOPIC

PULLED FROM THE CLASSY BEST IN

THE BIZ TWEETS OF MILLIONAIRE

PRICK DONALD TRUMP.

(LAUGHTER)

AND YOU TELL ME--

>> DOES HE HAVE TIME TO TWEET?

HIS HAIR IS LIKE GANDOLFINI'S

BREATHING IN THE SOPRANOS.

IT'S ITS OWN CHARACTER.

>> Chris: I MEAN, SERIOUSLY, THE

HAIR COULD HAVE ITS OWN TWITTER

ACCOUNT AT THIS POINT.

SO YOU GUYS HAVE TO TELL US IF

HE LIKES A THING, HIRED OR IF HE

HATES THE THING THAT I'M GOING

TO MENTION, FIRED.

OKAY, FIRST ONE.

HOW DO YOU THINK THE OVERLORD

OF TRUMP TOWER FEELS ABOUT POPE

FRANCIS-- FIRED OR HIRED?

YES, AL MADRIGAL.

>> HE IS DEFINITELY FIRED.

>> Chris: LET'S FIND OUT.

I BELIEVE THAT HE IS IN FACT,

HIRED.

HE LIKES THE POPE.

THE NEW POPE IS A HUMBLE

MAN, VERY MUCH LIKE ME WHICH

PROBABLY EXPLAINS WHY I LIKE HIM

SO MUCH.

>> YEAH.

I'M SO HUMBLE I TWEET ABOUT HOW

HUMBLE I AM.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: HEY, ON SECOND

THOUGHT, (BLEEP) THE POPE, I'M

DONALD TRUMP!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

ALL RIGHT, NEXT ONE, HOW DOES

THE POPE FEEL ABOUT MODERN

FAMILY?

THE POPE...

(LAUGHTER)

>> YOU KNOW HOW HE FEELS ABOUT

IT?

HE SAYS YEAH.

>> Chris: I'M SORRY.

HOW DOES DONALD TRUMP, THE

DOUCHE POPE, FEEL ABOUT MODERN

FAMILY?

YES, RANDY.

>> I THINK HE DOESN'T LIKE IT.

HE DOESN'T LIKE IT.

>> Chris: FIRED, DOES NOT LIKE

IT.

WHY EVEN APOLOGIZE AT THAT

POINT?

>> AND HE DOES KNOW THAT HIS

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

TRIPADVISOR IS A TRAVEL SITE

WHERE USERS CAN LEAVE REVIEWS OF

HOTELS AND VACATION RENTALS

THAT THEY HAVE STAYED AT FOR THE

BENEFIT OF OTHER PEOPLE WHO

MIGHT WANT TO STAY THERE.

THE REVIEWS VARY FROM VERY

POSITIVE TO EXTREMELY NEGATIVE

WITH COLORFUL DETAILS AS TO WHAT

THEIR PROBLEMS ARE.

I WANT YOU GUYS TO GIVE ME LINES

FROM TRIP ADVISOR REVIEWS THAT

WOULD MAKE ME RECONSIDER

MY TRAVEL PLANS.

ALL RIGHT?

60 SECONDS ON THE CLOCK AND GO.

YES, AL.

>> COMFORTER WAS MADE OF DRIED

SPERM.

>> Chris: POINTS.

POINTS.

YES, JAY.

>> NOT A FAN OF THE REUSABLE

SHOWER CAPS.

>> Chris: I WILL GIVE YOU

POINTS FOR THAT.

YES, RANDY.

>> DEAD HOOKER WAS NOT REMOVED

FROM OUR ROOM BEFORE WE UNPACKED

OUR LUGGAGE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: THEY'RE SUPPOSED

TO DO THAT.

>> THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO DO THAT.

>> Chris: POINTS.

YEAH, JAY.

>> I ACTUALLY HAD TO CALL DOWN

TO THE FRONT DESK TO GET A DEAD

HOOKER AND WHEN IT GOT TO MY

ROOM, IT WAS COLD.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: BUT THEN LEFT FROM THE

PREVIOUS--

>> YEAH, YEAH.

>> Chris: POINTS.

YES, JAY.

>> ACTUALLY NOT ENOUGH URINE IN

THE BABY POOL.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

AL.

>> MINI BAR WAS STOCKED WITH

CANNED FOOD AND AMMUNITION.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

JAY.

>> BLACK LIGHT LAMPS WERE

A LITTLE DISTRACTING.

>> Chris: WHY THE BLACK LIGHT

LAMP?

>> OH YEAH, IT JUST SHOWS ALL

THE SPERM.

JUST SHOWS ALL THE SEMEN

EVERYWHERE IN THE ROOM.

>> Chris: I WASN'T GOING TO GIVE

YOU POINTS, BUT SOME GUY IN THE

BACK JUST WENT, "YEAH!"

SO POINTS FOR THAT GUY.

>> THANK YOU, RANDOM GUY.

>> Chris: YEAH, RANDY.

>> RADIATOR IS REALLY DIFFICULT

TO CHAIN SOMEONE TO.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> THERE'S NO ANCHORS.

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