CC Presents: Lizz Winstead

  • Season 9, Ep 2
  • 10/07/2004

THRILLED YOU'RE HERE.

ACTUALLY WE IN NEW YORK ARE

VERY SPECIAL BECAUSE WE HAVE

ORANGE PLUS ALERT.

DID YOU KNOW THAT?

IT'S GREAT.

I GUESS IN THEIR COLOR SCHEME

THEY DIDN'T REALLY COME UP WITH

SOMETHING BETWEEN ORANGE AND

FIRE AND DEATH.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT WHAT I'M VERY EXCITED ABOUT

IS THAT MY HERO JOHN ASHCROFT...

[LAUGHTER]

HAS ASKED EVERYONE OF US TO BE

TERROR DEPUTIES.

YES, SO I'D LIKE YOU TO LOOK AT

THE PERSON NEXT TO YOU.

FEEL SAFE?

[LAUGHTER]

IF YOU'RE NOT SURE WHO IS A

TERRORIST IN THIS COUNTRY,

THEY'VE REALLY HELPED US OUT

TO FIGURE IT OUT.

IF YOU GO TO THE WEBSITE OF

THE DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND

SECURITY, THEY'LL GIVE YOU

SOME HINTS.

THE FIRST THING YOU WANT TO

LOOK FOR ARE PREGNANT WOMEN.

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH, 'CAUSE THEY'RE PROBABLY

NOT PREGNANT.

THEY'RE PROBABLY JUST TERRORISTS

IN DISGUISE.

SO I SUGGEST YOUR DUTY AS A

CITIZEN IS TO WALK UP TO A

PREGNANT WOMAN, PUNCH HER RIGHT

IN THE GUT JUST TO MAKE SURE

THERE'S NOT A BOMB UNDER HER

JUMPER.

IT'S YOUR DUTY.

YOU'RE DEPUTIES.

[LAUGHTER]

SECOND THING THEY TELL YOU TO

LOOK FOR IS PEOPLE

IMPERSONATING FIREMEN AND

POLICE OFFICERS.

[LAUGHTER]

NOW IF YOU SEE SOMEONE DRESSED

UP AS A POLICEMAN OR A FIREMAN

IMMEDIATELY REPORT IT TO

SOMEONE ELSE DRESSED UP LIKE A

POLICEMAN OR FIREMAN.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

REMEMBER YOU'RE DEPUTIES.

BUT THE BIGGEST WARNING THEY

HAVE OF ALL IS THEY WANT YOU

TO BE ON THE LOOKOUT FOR SWEATY

GUYS WHO SMELL LIKE CHEMICALS

WITH WIRES HANGING OUT OF THEIR

COATS AND THEY'RE WEARING

WINTER COATS IN THE SUMMER.

NOW, I LIVE IN NEW YORK...

[CHEERS AND HUGE APPLAUSE]

IF THAT IS INDEED WHAT A

TERRORIST LOOKS LIKE, THERE'S

ONE PEEING IN EVERY DOORWAY ON

EVERY CORNER IN EVERY BOROUGH

IN THE CITY OF MANHATTAN.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I MEAN, DOESN'T IT MAKE YOU

ANGRY THAT THEY ARE DOING THIS?

THEY ARE GIVING US TERRORIST

ALERTS THAT ARE 3 YEARS OLD.

HOW STUPID DO THEY THINK WE ARE?

HOW MUCH ARE THEY GONNA TO TRY

TO SCARE US WITH CRAP FOR

INFORMATION?

THIS IS WHAT YOU'RE GONNA TO

HEAR THE DAY BEFORE ELECTION

DAY, "UH, WE HAVE JUST RECEIVED

INFORMATION THAT A GROUP CALLING

ITSELF THE GREEN MOUNTAIN BOYS,

ARE PLANNING AN ATTACK ON THE

BRITISH GARRISON OF FORT

TYTONGARONDA, BE VIGILANT."

[LAUGHTER]

AND I LOVE WHEN PEOPLE ARE

OBSESSED WITH TERROR ATTACKS

WHO ARE GOING TO DIE SO MUCH

SOONER THAN THAT IS EVER GOING

TO HAPPEN, LIKE SMOKERS.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

HAVE YOU SEEN SMOKERS

COMPLETELY FREAKED OUT AT A

PARTY, GET A COUPLE OF DRINKS

IN THEM, THEY'RE LIKE, "YOU

KNOW, I LIVE BY GROUND ZERO,

MAN AND MY LUNGS HAVEN'T BEEN

THE SAME."

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I'M NOT AFRAID OF ANY OF THIS,

YOU KNOW WHY, BECAUSE I EAT

STREET MEAT.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

IF YOU EAT MEAT FROM A GUY WHO

HAS A ROLLING CART IF YOU GET

IN A CAB, YOU'RE ASKING A

STRANGE GUY TO TAKE YOU

SOMEPLACE.

I'VE ACTUALLY EATEN STREET

MEAT AND THEN GOTTEN INTO A CAB

RIGHT AFTER.

I AM JUST THAT EDGY.

BUT I HAVEN'T ALWAYS BEEN THIS

FEARLESS, UM, BUT SINCE WE HAVE

ATTACKED IRAQ AND GEORGE BUSH

HAS GIVEN ME THE OKAY THAT

I SHOULD FEEL SAFER, I DO...

[LAUGHTER]

'CAUSE CLEARLY THE WORLD HAS

EMBRACED THE WHOLE IDEA.

I MEAN I WAS NEVER FOR THIS WAR.

I ALWAYS THOUGHT THIS WAR WAS

RIDICULOUS BUT I UNDERSTOOD

WHY PEOPLE IN THE BEGINNING

WOULD BE FOR THE WAR BECAUSE

THIS MEDIA NEVER QUESTIONED

A SINGLE THING.

I MEAN, WHAT WAS FOX DOING?

APPARENTLY THEY WERE TOO BUSY

DISMANTLING THEIR FACT CHECKING

DEPARTMENT TO ACTUALLY LOOK INTO

ANY OF THIS AND PERFECTING THEIR

SWOOSH.

YOU KNOW WHEN A LIE COMES IN

IT'S SWOOSH.

IT'S A LIE, WHEN FOX LIES

IT'S A SWOOSH.

[LAUGHTER]

AND C COULDN'T BE BOTHERED

BECAUSE THEY HAVE TO, YOU KNOW,

EMPLOY ALL OF THEIR RESOURCES

TO FIND THE NEXT LACI PETERSON,

SO...

[LAUGHTER]

ADMINISTRATION GOT AWAY WITH

THIS CROCK.

IT WAS AMAZING.

FIRST WHAT DO WE HAVE, WE HAVE

COLIN POWELL, YOU KNOW, WAVING

AROUND THIS VIAL OF NUTMEG AT

THE UN, "IT IS A WEAPON OF MASS

DESTRUCTION".

[LAUGHTER]

AND THEN THERE WAS THE YELLOW

CAKE...

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AND THERE WAS THE YELLOW CAKE

URANIUM, RIGHT?

SO NOW WE HAVE NUTMEG AND

YELLOW CAKE.

SO APPARENTLY WE HAVE TO GET

INTO IRAQ 'CAUSE SADDAM IS THIS

CLOSE TO MAKING STICKY BUNS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

BUT HERE'S THE GOOD THING ABOUT

IRAQ.

THEY NOW HAVE A DEMOCRATICALLY

INSTALLED PRIME MINISTER.

[LAUGHTER]

AND I DON'T WANT TO SAY HE'S

IN BED WITH THIS ADMINISTRATION

BUT THEY DID FIND DICK CHENEY'S

ROLEX LODGED IN HIS COLON.

I DON'T KNOW.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AND YOU LOOK AT WHERE WE LIVE

AND YOU KNOW WE ARE GIVING

THEM $18 BILLION TO REBUILD

THE IRAQI INFRASTRUCTURE.

THEY'RE GONNA GET JOBS, UH,

I WAS THINKING MAYBE WE SHOULD

JUST BOMB OURSELVES SO WE CAN

UPGRADE OUR SCHOOL SYSTEM.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, IF BUSH

WOULD HAVE FOUND OIL IN TEXAS

HE WOULD HAVE BLOWN HIMSELF UP.

"I HATE MY OWN FREEDOM.

YA KNOW THE WORLD IS A SAFER

PLACE WITHOUT ME.

HALIBURTON NEEDS MORE JOBS."

THIS IS THE THING ABOUT--

THERE'S SO MUCH ABOUT

HALIBURTON TO HATE BUT THIS IS

THE THING THAT GOT MY PANTIES

COMPLETELY IN A WAD.

HALIBURTON HAS EVERY JOB OVER

THERE RIGHT?

6 IN 10 IRAQI'S ARE UNEMPLOYED.

HALIBURTON IS OUTSOURCING

IRAQI JOBS TO LABOR EVEN

CHEAPER THAN IRAQ.

THEY'RE BRINGING IN GUYS FROM

INDIA DO THE JOB IN IRAQ.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

ARE YOU ACTUALLY GONNA TELL ME

THERE ARE STRONG IRAQI UNIONS

BILKING YOUR PROFIT MARGIN?

SHAREHOLDERS ARE BREATHING

DOWN YOUR NECK FOR PAYING

WORKERS 15 BUCKS A WEEK AND

YOU GOTTA BRING DOWN TO FIVE,

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

BUT WHAT IS BUSH SAYING,

WHY DOES HE SAY THEY'RE FIGHTIN'

THIS, WHY ARE THEY RESISTING?

"CAUSE THEY'RE JEALOUS OF OUR

FREEDOM."

[LAUGHTER]

THEY'RE JEALOUS OF OUR FREEDOM.

IT'S NOT THE FACT THAT WE

BLEW UP THEIR INFRASTRUCTURE

COMPLETELY.

YES, THEY'RE JEALOUS OF OUR

FREEDOM.

THEY HAVE RAGE BEYOND BELIEF

THAT THEY DON'T HAVE AN

APPLEBEE'S.

[APPLAUSE]

OR A CABLE SHOW WHERE FIVE

[BLEEP] INVADE A NASCAR DAD'S

HOME AND MAKE HIM LOOK TERRIFIC!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH, THEY DESPISE OUR CULTURE.

THEY HATE OUR CULTURE.

EXCUSE ME, WHAT CULTURE IS IT

ARE WE EXPOSING TO THEM.

ARE JAZZ CLUBS POPPING UP ON

THE OUTSKIRTS OF NAJIF?

I'M PRETTY SURE LINDY ENGLAND

WASN'T DOING A REVIVAL OF

"GUYS AND DOLLS" WITH THAT GUY

ON A LEASH.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AND LET'S NOT FORGET THE

GOOD OLD U.S. OF A. IS THE

COUNTRY THAT INVENTED OLESTRA.

HONESTLY, NO OTHER COUNTRY

WOULD USE THEIR TECHNOLOGY

TO INVENT A FAT SUBSTITUTE THAT

WHEN YOU PUT IT ON POTATO CHIPS,

CAUSES INVOLUNTARY LOOSE STOOLS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

MESSAGE TO THE WORLD, "RATHER

THAN MODERATING OUR EATING

HABITS, WE AMERICANS WOULD

RATHER JUST SIT IN A POOL OF

OUR OWN FILTH...

IF THAT'S WHAT IT TAKES TO EAT

THE "WHOLE" BAG OF CHIPS."

[APPLAUSE]

AND FORGET ABOUT IT IF YOU'RE

ELDERLY.

WE HATE OLD PEOPLE IN THIS

COUNTRY.

WE ARE SO DISRESPECTFUL TO OLD

PEOPLE IT IS SHAMEFUL.

THIS REPUBLICAN MEDICAL BILL

HAS 73 DIFFERENT DRUG PLANS

FOR OLD PEOPLE TO FIGURE OUT.

MY MOM IS 83 AND TAKES 50 PILLS

A DAY.

SHE TAKES ONE PILL SO THE OTHER

49 PILLS DON'T RUN RIGHT

THROUGH HER!

HOW THE HELL IS SHE SUPPOSED

TO FIGURE OUT WHICH OF THESE

73 PLANS IS GOOD FOR HER?

WELL, I'LL TELL YA!

GEORGE BUSH SAYS, "YA KNOW WHAT?

HERE'S THE BEST WAY TO DO IT.

YOU JUST NAVIGATE OUR MEDICARE

WEBSITE."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THE HEART ATTACK ALONE WOULD

BE LIKE 50 PERCENT.

SO THEY WOULD BE, BE MUCH

EASIER FOR HIM.

BUT IT'S CRAZY, OLD PEOPLE

CANNOT FIND WEBSITES.

AND IT'S NOT LIKE HERE'S THE

MEDICARE WEBSITE, HAVE AT IT,

IT'S EASY.

IT'S LIKE, www.medicare.

I'll.give.you.a.minute.

to.get.your.glasses.SLASH

generic.drugs.will.surely

cause.dementia.SLASH

lets.be.honest.heroin.

would.be.cheaper.and.release.

you.from.that.prison.

of.a.body.you're.in.gov.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THIS GOVERNMENT IS FORCING

OLD PEOPLE TO PILE INTO BUSES

IN THE DEAD OF NIGHT TO

ILLEGALLY BUY DRUGS IN CANADA.

AND THERE'S ASHCROFT AT THE

BORDER, ROUNDING THEM UP,

FILLING PRISON YARDS WITH

ANGRY ELDERLY PEOPLE SCREAMING,

"PLAVICA, PLAVICA, PLAVICA!"

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

MAN, THESE PHARMACEUTICAL

COMPANIES ARE SUCH GREEDY PIGS,

I AM SURPRISED THAT WITH

EACH REFILL OF PRILOSEC,

THEY'RE NOT DOLING OUT A COUPON

FOR A FREE BLOOMIN' ONION.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WHOLE THING?

JUST KEEP US FAT AND AFRAID

AND WE'LL BUY ANY OF THIS CRAP

FROM HIM.

[APPLAUSE]

HE GIVES ALL HIS STUFF FANCY

NAMES.

SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD IDEA, RIGHT?

"THE CLEAR SKIES INITIATIVE."

YOU HAVE TO BE HEAVILY

MEDICATED TO BELIEVE CLEAR SKIES

WILL COME IF WE GIVE TAX BREAKS

TO PEOPLE WHO BUY GAS GORGING

SUV'S.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I MEAN, SHOULDN'T IT REALLY BE

CALLED "THE LOOSEN REGULATIONS

SO CORPORATE POLLUTERS CAN MAKE

HUGE PROFITS WHILE BLOWING

CANCEROUS CHUNKS INTO OUR LUNGS

INITIATIVE"?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

BUT THAT DOESN'T SOUND AS

CHEERY!

I MEAN POLLUTION IS A CASH COW,

COME ON.

CORPORATE AMERICA LOVES IT,

RIGHT?

AND WE BUY INTO IT.

THERE'S OXYGEN BARS NOW!

WE PAY TO BREATHE IN AIR.

[LAUGHTER]

THERE ARE NAP CENTERS IN

MANHATTAN WHERE YOU PAY TO

TAKE A NAP.

WE BUY BOTTLED WATER EVERY

SINGLE DAY WITHOUT THINKING

ABOUT IT.

WHY?

BECAUSE DRINKING TAP WATER IS

MORE DANGEROUS THAN DOING

JELL-O SHOTS OFF OF COURTNEY

LOVE, THAT'S WHY.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

BUT AT LEAST BUSH HAS HIS

PRIORITIES STRAIGHT.

DON'T YA THINK?

IT'S NOT PUTTING MORE POISON

INTO THE WATER THAT'S RUINING

OUR ENVIRONMENT, IT'S THOSE

[BLEEP] EXTREMISTS WHO WANT

TO GET MARRIED AND HAVE HEALTH

INSURANCE.

SOMEBODY'S STOP THEM!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

IT'S CRAZY.

THE DEFENSE OF MARRIAGE ACT.

WHY?

BECAUSE GAY MARRIAGE RUINS THE

DIGNITY OF STRAIGHT MARRIAGE.

LOOK.

[LAUGHTER]

THE SECOND THE ERECTED THE

SECOND ELVIS CHAPEL IN VEGAS

AND STRAIGHT COUPLES FLOCKED

THERE TO BE MARRIED BY AN ELVIS

IMPERSONATOR WITH A MUSTARD

STAIN ON HIS JUMPSUIT, DIGNITY

SHOULD BE REMOVED FROM THE

DIALOGUE.

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

BUT I THINK IN THE GAY

MARRIAGE AREA, I THINK THAT

THE GAY COMMUNITY NEEDS TO TAKE

A PAGE FROM THE BUSH CLEAR SKIES

THING.

I THINK YOU NEED TO CREATE A

SITUATION WHERE ALL THESE

HOMOPHOBES IN CONGRESS THINK

THAT THE GAY MARRIAGE

AMENDMENT'S GONNA WORK FOR THEM.

'CAUSE REALLY, HERE'S WHAT

HAPPENS WHEN YOU'RE RICK

SANTORUMS AND YOUR TOM DELAYS

AND EVERY OTHER COOK BAG THAT'S

IN THERE HEARS THE WORDS GAY

MARRIAGE, THEY DRAW A MENTAL

IMAGE OF GUYS HAVING--

TWO MEN HAVING SEX EVERYWHERE.

FRONT LAWNS, NURSERY SCHOOL

PARKING LOTS, IT DOESN'T

MATTER WHERE.

THAT'S WHAT THEY PICTURE,

BUMPING, BUMPING, BUMPING,

TWO WHITE GUYS, THEY CAN'T

STAND IT.

BECAUSE YOU KNOW IF THEY

PICTURES TWO WOMEN HAVING SEX

IT WOULD ALREADY BE IN THE

CONSTITUTION.

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

SO HERE'S WHAT I THINK.

I THINK THAT INTRODUCING GAY

MARRIAGE SHOULD BE CALLED

"THE STRAIGHT GUY WISH

FULFILLMENT INITIATIVE".

[LAUGHTER]

SO THAT'S THE SHINY OBJECT FOR

THE HOMOPHOBES, "REALLY?

WHAT'S THAT?

SHINY, SHINY OBJECT."

SO THAT THEN THEY'LL THINK HOT

LESBIANS WILL BE NUDE

SUNBATHING RIGHT NEXT DOOR TO

THEM LIKE IN EVERY HOUSE,

RIGHT?

SO CONGRESSMAN CREEP-A-ZOID,

DOWN LOADER OF GERMAN PORN CAN

BE GOING, "HEE-HEE-HEEE."

AND MEANWHILE GAY MARRIED

PEOPLE CAN JUST GO TO PTA

MEETINGS AND SIGN OFF ON HEALTH

INSURANCE PLANS.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WHAT SHOULD WE EXPECT FROM A

COMPASSIONATE CONSERVATIVE?

BY THE WAY, IS IT THE

COMPASSIONATE OR THE

CONSERVATIVE PART THAT WITH A

STRAIGHT FACE CALLS PUTTING A

PICKLE ON A BUN, A REPLACEMENT

FOR A MANUFACTURING JOB?

WHICH PART?

OR WHICH PART OF THE

COMPASSIONATE CONSERVATIVE

EQUATION IS IT THAT STEALS

FROM POOR KIDS LUNCH PROGRAMS TO

PAY FOR TAX CUTS FOR THE RICH?

I'M NOT SURE.

OR IS IT THE COMPASSIONATE PART

OR THE CONSERVATIVE PART,

THAT FORCES MOM'S TO HOLD BAKE

SALES FOR THEIR SONS AND

DAUGHTERS WHO ARE FIGHTING IN

IRAQ.

THIS ONE KILLS ME!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

HOW THE HELL DO YOU HAVE A WAR

AND THEN SAY, "JEEZ, WE DON'T

HAVE ENOUGH BULLETS.

WE DON'T HAVE ENOUGH KEVLAR

VESTS.

WE DON'T HAVE ENOUGH TANKS AND

JEEPS THAT ARE PROTECTED FROM

THE ENEMY.

GO SEND YOUR SEND YOUR SON AND

BY THE WAY, WE'RE GONNA SEND

HIM THERE FOR AS LONG AS WE'D

LIKE HIM TO BE THERE."

MEANWHILE, MOM'S BACK HOME ARE

HAVING BAKE SALES.

THIS IS INSANE!

SINCE WHEN IS IT OKAY THAT THE

SAFETY OF OUR SOLDIERS DEPENDS

ON HOW MUCH APPLE BROWN BETTY

MRS. MAPLEWOOD SELLS?

SORRY BOYS, WE ONLY SOLD TWO

PANS OF OURS SO YOU'RE GONNA

HAVE TO MAKE YOUR OWN FLAK VEST

WITH DOWNED APACHE HELICOPTER

AND SOME OLD GUM.

[APPLAUSE]

THIS ONE IS ALSO CRAZY.

GO TO THE DEPARTMENT OF LABOR

WEBSITE BECAUSE THEY HAVE A

PAGE FOR THE HOMELESS TO FIND

JOBS.

[LAUGHTER]

NOW I KNOW THAT THE HOMELESS

DON'T HAVE HOMES SO I SHOULDN'T

BE JUDGMENTAL TO THINK THAT THEY

DON'T HAVE LAPTOPS.

[LIGHT LAUGHTER]

BUT I JUST KINDA CAN'T BELIEVE,

I GUESS THEY GO THE LIBRARY

TO LOOK FOR JOBS.

WHICH, THEN JOHN ASHCROFT CAN

MONITOR THEIR EVERY PAGE THEY

LOOK AT UM, WHEN THEY'RE NOT

HITTING THE ADD TO CART BUTTON

EVERY FIVE MINUTES.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND TO BE FAIR, I DO NOT WANT

TO JUST MAKE THIS A "GET BUSH

OUT OF THE WHITE HOUSE QUICKER

THAN YOU CAN GET BUSH OUTTA

THE WHITE HOUSE 'CAUSE I CANNOT

BELIEVE HOW HE'S DESTROYED OUR

STATE IN THE WORLD AND RUINED

THIS NATION FEST".

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I REALLY DO WANT TO TALK ABOUT

WHY JOHN KERRY SUCKS.

BUT WOULD YOU LOOK AT THE TIME.

I GOTTA GO.

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