Extended - Thursday, April 14, 2016 - Uncensored

  • 04/14/2016

Rich Eisen, Annie Lederman and Mike Lawrence compose tweets for Donald Trump, #AddSportsRuinASong and offer last-minute tax advice in this extended, uncensored episode.

HERE'S A LIST OF POLITICALTOPICS CURRENTLY TRENDING IN THE

GARBAGE REALM.

FIRST UP...

♪ MIGHT AS WELL BE CLINTONON THE SUN. ♪

IN...

(LAUGHTER)IN A WEEK THAT WAS MIRED WITH

CONTROVERSY, HILLARY CLINTON GOTSOME GREAT NEWS BY LOCKING DOWN

THE HIGHLY-COVETED ENDORSEMENTOF SMASH MOUTH.

(LAUGHTER)YEAH, I KNOW.

SHE GOT IT.

EVERYONE WANTED IT.

SHE GOT IT.

(LAUGHTER)UH, I DO...

YOU KNOW, THEY'RE NICE.

THE SMASH MOUTH GUYS ARE NICE,BUT THEY DO MAKE MUSIC THAT

SOUNDS LIKE A BOWLING SHIRT'SMATING CALL.

UH...

(LAUGHTER)AND SOCIAL MEDIA DIDN'T TAKE TOO

KINDLY TO THE ENDORSEMENT,TWEETING AT 'EM STUFF LIKE THIS.

"THIS IS WHY YOU GUYS ONLY HAVEONE KNOWN SONG, AND YOU CAN

THANK "BLANK" FOR THAT."

COMEDIANS, WHAT CAN SMASH MOUTHTHANK FOR THEIR ONE KNOWN SONG?

UH, A: HAIR GEL?

B: "KIDZ BOP VOLUME ONE?"(LAUGHTER)

C: "SHREK."

ANNIE.

>> HAIR GEL.

>> HARDWICK: YOU THINK SO?

WELL, THE CORRECT ANSWER ISACTUALLY... "SHREK."

>> "SHREK."

>> AH.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)>> HARDWICK: "SHREK."

NEEDLESS TO SAY, SMASH MOUTH DIDTAKE UMBRAGE WITH THAT

CHARACTERIZATION AND TWEETED,"THIS IS WHY YOU'RE A DUMBASS!

WE HAVE TWO NUMBER ONES, AND ONEOF THOSE IS NOT EVEN IN "SHREK."

>> YEAH.

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

>> HARDWICK: IT'S NOT EVEN.

>> YEAH.

>> HARDWICK: IT'S NOT EVEN.

>> YES, BUT WHAT WAS IT?

>> HARDWICK: OH, IT WAS IN"CAN'T HARDLY WAIT."

IT WASN'T IN "SHREK."

IT WAS IN "CAN'T HARDLY WAIT."

UH, SO, SUCK ON THAT, BRYFII.

>> YEAH, BRYFII.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT.

I BET THAT GUY BRYFII GOT THISTWEET.

HE MUST HAVE BEEN LIKE, "OH,FUCK!"

(LAUGHTER)"OH, MY GOD!"

>> NO ONE EVER WANTS TO SAY,"YOU WON THIS ROUND, SMASH

MOUTH."

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

>> HARDWICK: POINTS TO MIKELAWRENCE FOR THAT.

ALL RIGHT, NEXT UP-- SHOUTINGTWEETS.

SHOUTING TWEETS.

RUST-COLORED DINGLEBERRY HOSTINGA TRIBBLE ORGY ON HIS HEAD,

DONALD TRUMP...

>> NICE.

(LAUGHTER)>> HE REALLY WANTS YOU TO SMELL

THAT THUMB.

>> HARDWICK: HE REALLY WANTS YOUTO. YEAH.

(LAUGHTER)>> OH, MY GOD.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)>> HARDWICK: HE'S FINALLY

REVEALED HIS SECRET TO JAMMINGOUT AWFUL TWEETS WHILE KEEPING

UP HIS BUSY SCHEDULE OF TRYINGTO TIE AS MANY DAMSELS TO TRAIN

TRACKS AS POSSIBLE.

(LAUGHTER)THIS IS HOW DONALD TWEETS.

TAKE A LISTEN.

>> DO YOU SAY SOMETHING, ANDSOMEBODY ELSE TYPES...?

>> DURING THE DAY, I'M IN THEOFFICE.

I JUST SHOUT IT OUT TO ONE OFTHE YOUNG LADIES WHO ARE

TREMENDOUS...

I HAVE A TREMENDOUS OFFICESTAFF.

AND MEREDITH AND SOME OF THEPEOPLE THAT WORK FOR ME.

AND I'LL JUST SHOUT IT OUT, ANDTHEY'LL DO IT.

>> HARDWICK: FIRST OF ALL, ITSOUNDED LIKE HE ALMOST SAID,

"WHO HAVE TREMENDOUS ASSES"UH... IN THE OFFICE.

(LAUGHTER)>> SECOND OFF, THERE'S NO YOUNG

LADIES NAMED MEREDITH.

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE, WHOOPING)

>> HARDWICK: HUNDRED POINTS TOMIKE LAWRENCE FOR THAT.

UH, I ALWAYS THOUGHT HE SMASHEDHIS TINY FISTS INTO THE KEYBOARD

AND JUST LET AUTOCORRECT FIGUREIT OUT.

(LAUGHTER)BUT WHO KNOWS, MAYBE SHOUTING AT

RANDOM EMPLOYEES IS THE BEST WAYTO GET TWEETS OUT, SO,

COMEDIANS, AS TRUMP, PLEASE YELLA TWEET TO YOUR OFFICE

ASSISTANT.

ANNIE.

>> JANICE, ABORT THAT LAST TWEETAND THEN PUNISH YOURSELF FOR

ABORTING IT.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

POINTS.

(WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)MIKE LAWRENCE.

>> NO GRAMMAR, OKAY?

I WANT THERE TO BE LESS PERIODSTHAN A GYMNASTS' LOCKER ROOM.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

(GROANING, APPLAUSE, WHOOPING)POINTS.

>> IF I... IF I HAD A NICKEL FOREVERY TIME MIKE LAWRENCE HAS

GOTTEN A GROAN FROM A PERIODJOKE, OH, GOD, I'D HAVE A FULL

DOLLAR.

>> HARDWICK: YOU COULD QUITCOMEDY, YOU COULD QUIT ALL OF

IT, YEAH, YOU COULD QUIT ALL OFIT. RICH EISEN.

>> HEY, PAULA, HOW MANY K'S AREIN THE WORD "SKANK"?

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: POINTS. POINTS.

(WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)HEY...

I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA SAY...

I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA SAY,"HEY, PAULA, HOW MANY K'S ARE IN

KKK?"(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)>> THAT'S THE NEXT SEGMENT.

>> HARDWICK: THAT'S WHERE ITHOUGHT YOU WERE GOING WITH

THAT.

>> THAT'S THE NEXT SEGMENT.

>> HARDWICK: NEXT UP, FOOD YORKCITY. FOOD YORK CITY.

THIS WEEK THE DEMOCRATICCANDIDATES PANDERED TO NEW YORK

VOTERS WITH FOOD.

SOCIALIST DANDELION BERNIESANDERS SHAMBLED DOWN TO CONEY

ISLAND HOPING TO CATCH HISFAVORITE VAUDEVILLE ACT, DICKY

KLINE AND THE TEACUP SISTERS,BUT THEY'VE BEEN DEAD FOR 50

YEARS, SO INSTEAD, HE HAD AHOT DOG.

MMM. THERE HE IS.

MEANWHILE, SPACEX GRANDMASIMULATOR HILLARY CLINTON STARED

LONGINGLY AT SOME NEW YORKCHEESECAKE.

(LAUGHTER)(CHEERING, WHOOPING)

THANKS TO JOURNALIST ERICAORDEN, WHO'S APPARENTLY ON THE

CHEESECAKE BEAT, FOR THIS PHOTO.

ALSO, UH, INCIDENTALLY, THAT'STHE EXACT SAME LOOK BILL

CLINTON GIVES WHENEVER HE MEETSANY WOMAN.

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE)

(WHOOPING)I THINK WHAT HE'S SAYING IS...

(LIKE CLINTON): IT'S OKAY-- IT'SMY CHEAT DAY.

(LAUGHTER)(WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)

>> HE'S GOING, "THAT'S WHAT ILIKE ABOUT INTERNS-- I GET

OLDER, BUT THEY STAY THE SAMEAGE."

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)>> I LIKE MY INTERNS' TITTIES

BIG ENOUGH I DON'T NEED TO PUTMY READING GLASSES ON.

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE)

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT.

COMEDIANS, IF ONE HOT DOG AND ASLICE OF CHEESECAKE ISN'T

ENOUGH, WHAT ELSE CAN APRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE EAT TO

WIN VOTERS?

RICH.

>> WHATEVER CHRIS CHRISTIEDIDN'T FINISH.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)>> BE SO FULL.

>> HARDWICK: UH, ANNIE.

>> OPRAH'S PUSSY.

(LAUGHTER, GROANING)>> HARDWICK: OH, MY GOD!

>> IT'S SO...

>> HARDWICK: I WAS REALLY NOTEXPECTING THAT.

POINTS.

(CHEERING)WELL, THE NBA PLAYOFFS BEGIN

THIS SATURDAY WHEN THE BESTTEAMS IN BASKETBALL WILL DUKE IT

OUT FOR THE RIGHT TO LOSE TO THEGOLDEN STATE WARRIORS.

>> YEAH.

>> HARDWICK: UH...

DOES THAT CHECK OUT?

>> THAT IS ACCURATE.

>> HARDWICK: THAT CHECKS OUT.

GREAT.

(LAUGHTER)POINT GUARD STEPH CURRY IS

DOMINATING THE SPORT DESPITEHAVING THE LANKY ARMS OF A

MUPPET.

BUT STEPH'S GOT ANOTHER LESSERKNOWN TALENT-- SINGING JUSTIN

BIEBER SONGS.

>> ♪ WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

OOH... ♪>> HARDWICK: OKAY, STOP IT, STOP

IT, STOP IT, STOP IT, STOP IT,STOP IT.

I FEEL LIKE MY EARS JUST GOTDUNKED ON.

(LAUGHTER)AFTER WATCHING THAT PERFORMANCE,

IT ONLY MAKES SENSE THATTONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS

#ADDSPORTSRUINASONG.

#ADDSPORTSRUINASONG.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE:"HOOPS, I DID IT AGAIN," OR:

"99 PROBLEMS, BUT A PITCH AIN'TONE."

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK, AND BEGIN.

MIKE.

>> "STEROID TO HEAVEN."

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

RICH.

(APPLAUSE)>> "PUFF THE MAGIC JOHNSON."

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

(LAUGHTER)ANNIE.

>> "DON'T LET DENNIS RODMAN GODOWN ON ME."

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(LAUGHTER)POINTS. MIKE LAWRENCE.

>> "KISS FROM A PETE ROSE."

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

ANNIE LEDERMAN.

>> "I'M SORRY PHIL JACKSON."

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

RICH.

>> "HEY JUDE, I'M OPEN."

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

MIKE LAWRENCE.

>> "WHO LET THE DOGS FIGHT:THE MICHAEL VICK STORY."

(LAUGHTER, WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

ANNIE.

>> "PUCK THE POLICE."

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

RICH.

>> "POUR SOME KOBE ON ME."

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

RICH.

>> "BABY GOT DEFENSIVE BACK."

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(LAUGHTER)MIKE LAWRENCE.

>> "JOHNNY MANZIEL OF CONSTANTSORROW."

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

(LAUGHTER)ANNIE.

>> "VIDEO KILLED HIS WIFE ANDTHAT WAITER."

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(LAUGHTER)(WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)

MIKE.

>> "ARE YOU LANCE ARMSTRONGENOUGH TO BE MY MAN?"

>> HARDWICK: OH, THAT-THAT WORKSFOR SO MANY REASONS!

'CAUSE IT'S A SHERYL CROW SONG!

SO GOOD, MIKE LAWRENCE! POINTS.

GOOD NEWS FOR MASOCHISTS AND OLDRECEIPT ENTHUSIASTS 'CAUSE TAX

DAY IS MON... OH, FUCK, TAXDAY'S MONDAY.

AH... POOP, POOP, POOP.

THAT MEANS MILLIONS OF AMERICANSARE CURRENTLY SCREAMING, "OH,

FUCK, TAX DAY IS MONDAY," ASTHEY REALIZE IT'S WAY PAST

MIDNIGHT AND THEY DON'T EVENKNOW WHAT A 1040EZ IS.

IT'S TOUGH NAVIGATING ALL THELOOPHOLES AND THE DEDUCTIONS,

WHICH IS WHY WE'VE ENLISTED THEHELP OF THREE FINANCIAL EXPERTS,

A COMEDIAN, A SPORTSCASTER, ANDA HALF-SHAVED WOLVERINE.

UH, SO, COMEDIANS...

>> SORRY, ANNIE.

>> HARDWICK: IT'S NOT...

>> AGAIN. AGAIN.

>> HARDWICK: COMEDIANS, I WANTYOU TO GIVE US AS MANY...

"YEAH, THESE WOLVERINES JUSTLEFT YOU ON OUR DOORSTEP, MIKE.

WE DON'T KNOW... YOU'RE NOTNATURALLY OUR CHILD.

YOU WERE RAISED IN THE WILD.

NOW IT'S TIME YOU KNEW."

>> YOU DON'T HAVE A STOMACH LIKETHIS AND A HEALING FACTOR, OKAY?

>> HARDWICK: COMEDIANS, I WANTYOU TO GIVE US AS MANY LAST

MINUTE TAX TIPS AS YOU CAN IN 60SECONDS.

AND BEGIN. ANNIE.

>> WHEN LISTING YOUR DEPENDENTS,FIND OUT HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE

YOUR NETFLIX PASSWORD.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT. POINTS.

RICH EISEN.

>> LIE.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, POINTS.

MIKE.

>> MAKE SURE YOUR ACCOUNTANT'SNAME RHYMES WITH "IBOWITZ."

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

ANNIE.

>> WRITE OFF AXE BODY SPRAY AS ABUSINESS EXPENSE, BECAUSE YOUR

BUSINESS IS GETTING THAT PUSSY!

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

POINTS.

>> YEAH!

>> HARDWICK: RICH.

>> TAKE NO ADVICE FROM WESLEYSNIPES.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

MIKE LAWRENCE.

>> YOU ONLY HAVE TO CLAIM THECHILDREN YOU WANTED.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS. POINTS.

ANNIE.

>> BUYING MIKE LAWRENCE'S CDCOUNTS AS A CHARITY.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT.

(GROANING, LAUGHTER)>> SHOTS FIRED.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

VERY NICELY DONE, ANNIE. RICH.

>> GET REAL RICH AND JUST DON'TPAY THEM.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

ANNIE.

>> SAY YOUR CAT IS YOUR WIFE ANDYOUR DOG IS A RELIGION.