Tuesday, July 15, 2014

  • Season 1, Ep 01088
  • 07/15/2014

Paul F. Tompkins, Mary Lynn Rajskub and Scott Aukerman learn about Japanese vagina molds, list #BadSummerJobs and come up with taglines for some strange Etsy products.

>> IT'S 11:59 AND 59 SECONDS.

THIS HAPPENED ON EMMYS.COMTODAY. YESTERDAY WAS OUR FIRST

DAY BACK FROM A LITTLE HIATUS.

OUR LITTLE PROGRAM @MIDNIGHT -OUR "JEOPARDY WITH DICK JOKES" -

GOT NOMINATED FOR AN EMMY FOROUTSTANDING INTERACTIVE PROGRAM.

(APPLAUSE)WHICH IS CRAZY -- STOP IT!

OKAY, ALL RIGHT, A LITTLE MORE.A LITTLE BIT MORE.

OKAY NOW STOP. I'M AN ASSHOLE IFYOU KEEP APPLAUDING.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]>> THIS IS A TESTAMENT TO YOU

GUY WHOSE PLAY ALONG WITH THEHASHTAG WARS AND TWEET US GREAT

STUFF EVERY NIGHT. SO THANK YOUSO MUCH FOR DOING THAT.

WE'RE IN COMPANY WITH --[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> STOP IT, SERIOUSLY.

WE'RE IN GREAT COMPANY OTHERNOMINEES LIKE "THE VOICE," AND

"GAME OF THRONES" AND"SUPPER-SLOPPY CELEBRITY

DOUBLE-DARE WITH JIMMY FALLON."

SO, WE'RE PROBABLL NOT GOING TOWIN.

WHICH IS TOTALLY FINE.

IF, IF, LET'S SAY BY A STRANGESTRETCH OF THE IMAGINATION WE

GET AN EMMY I WOULDN'T KNOW WHATTO SAY IN THE SPEECH.

BRIAN CRANSTON'S A GUY WHO KNOWSHOW TO OWN AN EMMY SPEECH.

I HOSTED "SHIPMATES." SO PLEASE,HELP ME OUT. WHAT IS SOMETHING

TO NOT SAY IN AN AWARDSACCEPTANCE SPEECH. PAUL, GO.

>> IF MY WINNING THIS AWARDINSPIRES ONE PERSON TO DO WHAT

DO, I WILL SEEK THAT PERSONOUT AND CRUSH THEM.

>> I WILL MAKE A NOTE OF THAT.

>> MARY LYNN.

>> I JUST PEED A LITTLE, AND IHATE MYSELF.

A LITTLE BIT LESS, A LITTLELESS NOW, BUT ACTUALLY I THINK

I'M BETTER THAN YOU NOW. I PEEDA LITTLE MORE.

>> SCOTT AUKERMAN.

>> I'M GOING TO DISNEYLAND TOMASTURBATE ON THE IT'S A SMALL

WORLD RIDE.

IT'S TIME FOR A EMMY NOMINATED@MIDNIGHT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE][CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]>> Chris: BUT ANYWAY, YOU GUYS

WERE TALKING ABOUT THE EMMYS ASECOND AGO.

I WILL KEEP TALKING ABOUT IT.

WE DECIDED AS A RESULT WE HAD TOCLASS THINGS UP AROUND HERE.

WE'RE USHERING IN A NEW ERA OFHIGHBROW INTERNET-BASED COMEDY.

WITH THAT IN MIND THE FIRST EMMYNOMINATED QUESTION IS ABOUT

JAPANESE VAGINA MOLDS.

NOW I KNOW, I KNOW THAT YOU'RELOOKING AT THIS PICTURE SAYING,

"IS THAT A STANDARD JAPANESEADVERTISEMENT FOR TOOTH PASTE."

NO.

BUT IT IS AT THE CENTER OF AVERY HUGE CONTROVERSY.

IT'S AN ILLUSTRATION OF ANARTIST'S PROCESS WHO SPECIALIZES

IN THESE DIORAMAS MADE FROMIMPRINTED MOLDS OF HER BENTO BOX

IN ORDER TO BREAK DOWN JAPANESETABOOS ABOUT FEMALE GENITALIA.

IN ORDER TO BREAK DOWN JAPANESETABOOS ABOUT FEMALE GENITALIA.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: I DON'T THINK THE WORD

VAGINA AND MOLD SHOULD BETOGETHER IN A SENTENCE.

IT'S MORE OF A VAGINA FOOTPRINTTHAN A VAGINA MOLD.

GUYS, PLEASE KEEP YOUR VAGINAFOOTPRINT DOWN.

THIS WOMAN HAS BEEN ARRESTED FOROBSCENITY CHARGES FOR

DISTRIBUTING 3D IMAGES OF HERVAGINA TO 30 PEOPLE.

I KNOW, SCOTT, I KNOW.

>> THE DEVIL YOU SAY.>> IT'S TOTALLY HYPCRITICAL THAT

IN JAPAN YOU CAN TOTALLY JERKOFF IN A SUBWAY TO A COMIC BOOK

OF A CYBORG TEDDY BEAR SEXTING ATEENAGER BUT DISTRIBUTING ART

WORK OF FEMALE GENITALIA ISLIKE, YOU'RE GOING TO JAIL, MAN.

BUT THEY WOULD SAY THAT INJAPANESE.

>> I'M BOOKING SOME TICKETS TOJAPAN, EXCUSE ME.

FOR POINTS GIVE ME ANOTHEREXAMPLE OF HYPOCRITICAL

INTERNATIONAL LAW. SCOTTAUKERMAN.

>> IN KENYA IT'S ILLEGAL TOMENTION LOCAL BOY MADE GOOD,

BARACK OBAMA.

>> Chris: POINTS. WELL DONE.

"TRUE BLOOD" IS HALF WAY THROUGHTHE FINAL SEASON AND I'M REALLY

BUMMED WHERE ELSE ON HBOWILL YOU SEE GRAPHIC VIOLENCE

AND SEX.[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Chris: HEAR TO -- DID YOUCHEER THAT BECAUSE I SAID

"VIOLENCE AND SEX."

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]>> Chris: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING

TO ANYTHING BUT VIOLENCE ANDSEX.

STOP THAT. I HATE THAT I LOVEYOU SO MUCH.

HERE TO US HELP US TAKE ONELAST BITE OUT OF "TRUE BLOOD"

IS ONE OF THE STARS, KRISTINBAUER VAN STRATEN.

KRISTIN!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]>> Chris: WELCOME.

NICE TO SEE YOU.

>> HI.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]>> Chris: WHAT ARE YOUR FEELINGS

NOW THAT "TRUE BLOOD" ISWRAPPING UP.

>> SEVEN YEARS I HAVE BEENHANGING OUT WITH THESE PEOPLE.

SO I'M GONNA MISS MY FRIENDS.

I'M GONNA MISS THE CAMARADERIEAND THE MERKIN, SPEAKING OF

YOU KNOW, VAGINA ART.

WE'RE ALL WEARING THEM RIGHTNOW, BY THE WAY.

IT'S NOT JUST YOUR SHOW.

>> SO, COMEDIANS WHICH OF THEFOLLOWING "TRUE BLOOD" ITEMS GOT

THE FAVORITES ON DEVIANTART.COM.

THIS IS A INTERESTING -- YOUKNOW.

[LAUGHING]>> YA.

>> IT'S SOOKIE WITH THE COUNT.

Chris: THAT'S THE ONLYVAMPIRE SHE HASN'T [BEEP] YET.

>> OKAY SO THIS IS MY MAKER.

Chris: HUH-UH.

WHAT IS THE LAST ONE.

>> OH, AND THIS IS APAN-INSPIRED PIECE.

>> Chris: OH, A CUTIE MARKTHERE.

>> RIGHT.

Chris: FANTASTIC.

WHICH GOT THE MOST FAVORITES,SCOTT AUKERMAN.

>> A, BECAUSE PEOPLE WOULD LIKETO HEAR HIM COUNT UP TO 67, HA.

68, AH AH AH.>> Chris: LET'S FIND OUT, THE

ACTUAL ANSWER IS -- A.

WELL DONE.

PLEASE THANK KRISTIN FOR BEINGHERE.

CATCH HER IN THE FINAL SEASON OF"TRUE BLOOD" ON HBO.

KRISTIN BAUER VAN STRATEN.

IT'S TIME FOR TONIGHT'S "HASHTAGWARS."

>> Chris: YOU KNOW SUMMER TIMETEENS OF 20 SOMETHING ALL OVER

AMERICA HAVE PICKED UP SUMMERJOBS FOR SOME EXTRA CASH.

BUT NOT ALL JOBS ARE WORTH THEMONEY YOU MAKE. SO WITH THAT IN

MIND, TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS BADSUMMER JOBS.

SO EXAMPLES MIGHT BE SUN BURNSCRAPER, OR GUY FIERI GOLD BOND

APPLIER, OR NEW JERSEY SHORELIBRARIAN.

THAT'S NOT A JOB.

I WILL PUT 50 SECONDS ON THECLOCK.

GO.

PAUL F. TOMKINS.

>> SNOWMAN.>> DELIGHTFUL!

Chris: THAT IS MAYBE MYFAVORITE CLEANEST JOKE.

POINTS.

NEXT ONE SCOTT.>> MILF-WRANGLER AT A SUGAR RAY

CONCERT. KIND OF THE OPPOSITE.>> Chris: POINTS. MARY LYNN.

>> JACK BAUER'S INTERIORDESIGNER.

>> Chris: POINTS FOR THEREFERENCES.

SCOTT.

>> URINAL CAKE DECORATOR.

Chris: BAD JOB.

SCOTT.

>> PERSONAL ASSISTANT TO KATHRYNHIGEL.

>> Chris: POINTS. SHE DENIED ALLOF IT. SHE DENIED IT ALL.

PAUL.

>> FEDERAL BIKINI INSPECTOR.

THEY'RE NOT JUST LOOKING ATBIKINIS.

THEY'RE LOOKING FOR BIKINIBOMBS.

>> Chris: PAUL.

>> SHARK WHISPERER.

Chris: POINTS. MARY LYNN.

>> BROOKSTONE VIBRATING CHAIRCLEANER.

>> Chris: OH, MAN.

POINTS. SCOTT.

>> GUY FIERE TIP BLEACHER.

I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT THESETIPS.

ETSY PITCHMEN.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]>> Chris: A LOT OF STUFF ON ETSY

FALLS INTO ONE OF TWOCATEGORIES.

ADORABLE FELT TRINKETS TAHTLOOK LIKE THEY WERE FARTED INTO

A TEACUP BY TEAGAN AND SARA, OR INSANE MYSTERY BOBBLES

THAT LOOK LIKE THEY WERE LEFTBEHIND BY A REDNECK MURDERER.

COMEDIANS WE'RE GOING TO SHOWYOU THINGS THAT ARE EITHER

PRECIOUS, TERRIFYING OR BOTH.YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO COME UP

THE DON DRAPER STYLE PITCH NEEDTHE PITCH TO SELL IT

FIRST ONE, JAR OF HUMAN TOENAILS.

REALLY MORE OF A VIAL, I WOULDSAY.

PAUL.

>> ARE THEY FROM SEVERAL PEOPLEOR JUST ONE WEIRD PERSON WITH A

LOT OF CARROTIN.

YOU WILL FIND OUT WHEN YOU GROWYOUR OWN CLONE ARMY.

POINTS. EXCELLENT. MARY LYNN.

>> STAYS CRUNCHY IN MILK AND ISONE OF THE FOUR FOOT GROUPS.

>> Chris: POINTS MARY LYNN. ONEOF THE FOUR.

>> ONE.

Chris: WHAT ARE THE OTHERTHREE FOOT GROUPS.

>> YOU KNOW CORNS, BUNIONS --Chris: I DIDN'T KNOW CORNS

HAD THEIR OWN -- OKAY. SCOTT DOYOU --

>> IF YOU ACT NOW I WILL THROWIN THE TOES.

>> Chris: EXCELLENT. POINTS.WELL DONE.

>> Chris: NEXT ONE.

BABIES IN A CAN.

WHICH IS SOLD OUT BY THE WAY.

MARY LYNN.

>> DON'T HAVE TIME TO MAKEBABIES FROM SCRATCH.

COMES WITH HONEY MUSTARD, BLUECHEESE AND RANCH.

>> Chris: POINTS. SCOTT.

>> SAVE THESE IN YOUR DOOMSDAYBUNKER AND BE THE WEIRDEST

PERVERT IN THE APOCALYPSE.

"NPR ANCHOR OR MINOR STAR WARCHARACTER."

I'M VERY EXCITED ABOUT THIS ONE.

THERE IS A GREAT NEW INITIATIVECALLED STAR WARS 4 FORCE FOR

CHANGE, WHICH IS RAINSING FUNDSFOR UNICEF LABS AND PROGRAMS.

-- FOR A CHANCE TO BE IN STARWARS 7 AND SUPPORT A GREAT CAUSE

VISIT OMAZE.COM/STARWARS. WHICHGETS US TO THIS GAME. I'M GOING

TO SHOW YOU GUYS AN INTERESTINGNAME, AND YOU GUYS TELL ME IF

IT'S FROM NPR.ORG PERSONELPAGE OR FROM STAR WARS.

FIRST ONE.

NEDA ULABY.

SCOTT AUCKERMAN.

>> STAR WARS.

Chris: NO, NPR, SHE'S THEREPORTER, ARTS DESK.

NEDA ULABY.

>> THERE SHE IS HANGING OUT INHER WEIRD UNCOMFORTABLE CHAIR.

>> Chris: I WONDER WHAT HER STARWARS SIDE LOOKS LIKE.

>> MUCH BETTER.

THERE ARE GOING TO BE SO MANYSLAVE NEDA'S AT COMICON.

NEXT ONE.

BID FORTUNA. BID FORTUNA. PAULF.

>> THERE'S NO WAY IT'S NOT STARWARS.

>> HE'S FROM JAVA'SPALACE.

HE'S GETS TRICKED BY LUKE.

>> A WEIRD TUMOR --Chris: NO, THAT'S HIS DICK.

>> OH.

Chris: THAT'S HOW THEY, YOUDIDN'T KNOW THAT?

>> CONGRATULATIONS ON THE EMMYNOMINATION.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]>> Chris: THANK YOU.

EVEN JABA THE HUT ISDISAPPOINTED IN THE JOKE.

LET'S SEE WHAT BIB LOOKS LIKE ASA NPR ANCHOR.

NEXT ONE. OFEIBEA QUIST-ARCTON

>> THIS IS SO CRAZY IT HAS TO BENPR.

>> Chris: IT IS IN FACT NPR, ANINTERNATION CORRESPONDENT.

"STIR, MIX ALOT."

THE NEW YORKTIMES.COM DIDINVESTIGATING JOURNALISM BLOWING

THE LID OFF RIDICULOUS COCKTAILNAMES.

FINALLY SOMEONE GOT TO THEBOTTOM OF NAMES LIKE ALGERIAEN

TYPIST, OR FROM BEIRUT WITHPASSION OR UNREQUITEL LOVE.

COMEDIANS I WOULD LIKE YOU TOCOME UP WITH RIDICULOUS COCKTAIL

NAMES AS YOU CAN. 60 SECONDS ANDGO. MARY LYNN.

>> PEPPERMINT SCHNOPPS.>> POINTS. SCOTT.

>> SLOPPY SECONDS ON THE BEACH.

Chris: YES. PAUL F.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]>> THE CURIOUS STEP BROTHER.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: IT'S THE DRINK YOU

DON'T REALIZE IS WATCHING YOUPEE.

POINTS. MARY LYNN.

>> TETANUS NIPPLE.

Chris: POINTS. MARY LYNN.

>> MILKY SWEAT SAKI.

Chris: POINTS

SCOTT.

>> KAVORKIAN NEAT.>> POINTS. PAUL F.

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH.>> PEFECT. PAUL F.

>> CHOCOLATE MILF.

Chris: HUH-UH.

>> WHAT'S THE LIQUOR PART OFTHAT?

>> YOU HAVE TO ORDER ONE TO FINDOUT, MY FRIEND.

>> Chris: WHAT ARE YOU TALKINGABOUT THE MILF IS LITERALLY THE

LIQUOR.

MARY LYNN.

>> THOSE WHO FORGET THE PABST ARE DOOM TO REPEAT IT.

>> Chris: SO POETIC.

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