Tim Thomerson & Johnny Steele

  • Season 1, Ep 0164
  • 02/24/1992

Tim Thomerson does an imitation of the kids in his son's high school Shakespeare play and reenacts "Stage Coach" in its entirety.

CUTE SHOES?

Man:GREAT.

YEAH, THEY'RE LITTLEMANOLO BLAHNIK BOOTIES.

SOMETHING SIMPLEFROM THE FALL COLLECTION

WITH MIZRAHI AND BLAHNIK.

JUST APRES GYM, LIKE A GIRLWHO JUST HAS TO RUN TO A MEETING

SO SHE THROWS ON SOMETHINGTHAT'S, LIKE, WORKS AT THE GYM

BUT THEN WORKS AT A MEETING.

( laughter )

NO, ACTRESSES IN HOLLYWOOD

LIKE, IF YOU RUN INTO THEMAT THE LOT, YOU KNOW

WHICH I VERY RARELY GO TOFOR A MEETING--

YOU'LL SEE THEM, LIKE, ACROSS,THEN YOU'LL GO, "OH! OH, HI!"

AND THEY'LL JUST GO...

( laughter )

AND ACT LIKE THEY'REREALLY IN A BIG RUSH

AND THEY SHADE YOU DOWNAND IGNORE YOU.

I GO, "I'M SORRY,I JUST WANTED TO SAY HI.

I HATE YOUR WORK."

( laughter )

DO YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'VE BEEN NOTICINGA DISTURBING TREND

AMONG CERTAIN PEOPLE LATELY.

I WAS DOWNIN PALM SPRINGS AND...

HANGING OUT ON A DINAH SHORECLASSIC WEEKEND...

( laughter and clapping )

AND THIS REALLY, REALLY,SUPER-BUTCH DYKE HIT ON ME.

I GOT REALLY FREAKED OUT.

AND WE WERE TALKING FOR A WHILE,AND I JUST WAS, LIKE, "OH, GOD.

PLEASE JUST, LIKE,LEAVE ME ALONE."

AND IT TURNED OUTTO BE BRUCE JENNER.

I WAS SO...

( laughter and hooting )

( laughs )

WHY IS... THE WORLD ISTURNING UPSIDE TOPSY-TURVY.

THERE IS ALL THESE MENWHO LOOK LIKE HARDCORE LESBIANS.

HAVE YOU NOTICED?

( laughter )

I'M DOING SHTICK.

I GOT TO GO GET DE-SHTICKEDAFTER THIS.

( laughter )

I'M ACTUALLY DOING THINGSTO GET LAUGHS.

I'VE NEVER DONE THAT IN MY LIFE.

IT'S, LIKE, ANYTHING JUSTTO MAKE THEM LAUGH, PLEASE.

DEAR GOD, I'M SCARED.

( laughter )

NO, I'M NOT, NOT REALLY.

WELL, WE HAVE A BIG SHOWCOMING UP TONIGHT.

( laughter )

IF YOU'RE A NARCOLEPTIC.

NO, I'M JUST...

( laughter )

I JUST GOT A CALLFROM MY FUTURE EX-WIFE.

( laughter )

YEAH, WELL, SHE WANTEDTO GET INTO WOMEN'S LIB

SO I SAID, "FINE, YOU SLEEPIN THE WET SPOT.

IT'S ALL STICKY DOWN THERE."

OKAY, OKAY, BUT STRAIGHTEN OUTTHAT DAMN HAIR PIECE.

I GOT THIS TEENAGE KID, AND...

ANYBODY GOTANY TEENAGE KIDS OUT THERE?

( silence )

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

( laughter )

( valley dude accent: )HE'S, LIKE, TEENAGE TERMINATOR.

PERMANENT SHOCK ISI CAN'T REALLY UNDERSTAND.

LIKE... ( straining )

( straining: )FUCK... YOU.

HONEY, HE'S DOING IT AGAIN!

I GET MAYBE TWO WORDSOUT OF THE GUY.

LIKE, ( strains ),"BATTING CAGES!"

( laughter )

"AND THRUSTER, MAN."

( laughter )

SO MY KID GOESTO HERMOSA BEACH HIGH, RIGHT?

AND SO ALL THESEBLOND-HEADED NAZI SURFERS

START DOING SHAKESPEARE, RIGHT?

( laughter )

SO I GO TO THE PLAY,AND MY KID, YOU KNOW

AND HE'S... JUST LIKE HE'SJUST SO WIRED AND SLURPY--

"FUCK YOU, JOCK!"

SON, DON'T BLOW THE LINE,OKAY, JUST SAY THE...

( as son: )"NEWS, LADS, THE WORDS ARE DONE

THE DESPERATE TEMPESTHATH SO BEING THE TURKS."

( laughter )

"HOW IS THIS SOWHEN MICHAEL CASSIO

"LIEUTENANT TOTHE WARLIKE MOOR OTHELLO

"FOR HER POOR BLIND SONAND HEIR, YOUNG ADAM

"CUPID, YE THAT SHOT SO THIN

WHEN KING COPHETUA LOVEDTHE BEGGAR WENCH."

( laughter )

"ALAS, POOR YORICK,I KNEW HIM WELL

HE WAS A... RAD DUDE!"

( laughter )

THIS IS STAGECOACH,THE ENTIRE FILM.

( titters: )YOU THOUGHT THIS WASTHE CHART HOUSE, HUH?

OKAY.

( mimics horses galloping )

CAN YOU HEAR THAT?

IT'S THE HORSES.

( horses galloping )

( pulls reins )

( whinnying )

( galloping )

( gunshots )

( horse neighs )

( galloping )

( whip cracks )

( galloping )

♪ BARE-ASSED DUDEIS SITTING ON THE HILL ♪

♪ WHILE FLAPPING MY TITSAT BUFFALO BILL... YOW! ♪

♪ COME AND TIE MY PECKERTO A TREE, TO A TREE... YOW! ♪

♪ COME AND TIE MY PECKERTO A TREE. ♪

( whip cracks, galloping )

MY NAME IS LEONARD--STUPID, UGLY, IGNORANT LEONARD.

OLD BOY SITTING NEXT TO ME,HIS NAME'S SHOTGUN.

HE DON'T SAY A WHOLE LOT,HE JUST SITS THERE AND READS.

( laughter )

( whip lashes )

WHAT'S THAT YOUREADING THERE, SHOTGUN?

"I DON'T KNOW,I CAN'T SEE A DAMN THING."

INSIDE THIS HERE STAGECOACH

THERE'S A LITTLEPREGNANT GIRL NAMED CATHY

AND SHE'S SO STUPID THAT SHECAN ONLY READ READER'S DIGEST

AND HER HUSBAND'S STATIONEDIN THE PHILIPPINES.

( whip cracks )

( galloping )

PALM UP YOUR 4.10, BOSS.

SOMEONE'S STANDINGIN THE STAGE LINE.

( unclasps holster )

( reins in horse )

DUST, DIRT, CACTUS, ZANE GREY--THEY'RE ALL BACK THERE.

HEY, YOU, WHAT YOU DOINGSTANDING OUT THERE

IN THE MIDDLEOF THE STAGE LINE, BY GOD?

( effeminate voice: )THIS I DON'T NEED.

WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE, YOU ASS?

( gruffly: )WATCH WHAT YOU CALL ME, BOY,I'LL BUST YOUR BACK.

I BET YOU COULD.

LET ME GET HIM!

WHAT'S YOUR NAME,WHERE ARE YOU HEADED FOR?

OH, CHRIST, MY NAME IS KID RIO

AND I WAS ON MY WAY TOSAUSALITO TO VISIT THIS NOVELIST

AND MY STALLION BROKERIGHT OUTSIDE OF LARAMIE

AND I'M JUST OUT HEREDIGGING THE SUN.

YOU BETTER PUTYOUR CLOTHES ON, BOY

YOU'LL GET YOURPECKER SUNBURNED!

GOING TO GIVE YOU A RIDE,BUT YOU CAN'T BRING

THAT THERE SIDESADDLEON BOARD MY STAGE.

NOW, HOP ON BOARD.

OH, GET HIM.

WELL, HELL!

( shootout )

( horse neighs )

( whooshes )

SAM PECKINPAH.

( gunshot ringing )

( rider galloping in slow motion )

( laughter )

( explosion )

( galloping )

( gunshot echoing )

( whip lashing slowly )

( crack )

( singing Indian chant )

( arrow whipping out )

( bow string stretches )

( arrow flies )

( slow motion galloping )

( arrow zings, hits )

OH, DAMN!

( ripping )

( arrow whooshes )

( gunshots )

( arrow whizzes )

THANK YOU, GOOD NIGHT.