Tim Thomerson & Johnny Steele

  • Season 1, Ep 0164
  • 02/24/1992

CUTE SHOES?

Man:GREAT.

YEAH, THEY'RE LITTLEMANOLO BLAHNIK BOOTIES.

SOMETHING SIMPLEFROM THE FALL COLLECTION

WITH MIZRAHI AND BLAHNIK.

JUST APRES GYM, LIKE A GIRLWHO JUST HAS TO RUN TO A MEETING

SO SHE THROWS ON SOMETHINGTHAT'S, LIKE, WORKS AT THE GYM

BUT THEN WORKS AT A MEETING.

( laughter )

NO, ACTRESSES IN HOLLYWOOD

LIKE, IF YOU RUN INTO THEMAT THE LOT, YOU KNOW

WHICH I VERY RARELY GO TOFOR A MEETING--

YOU'LL SEE THEM, LIKE, ACROSS,THEN YOU'LL GO, "OH! OH, HI!"

AND THEY'LL JUST GO...

( laughter )

AND ACT LIKE THEY'REREALLY IN A BIG RUSH

AND THEY SHADE YOU DOWNAND IGNORE YOU.

I GO, "I'M SORRY,I JUST WANTED TO SAY HI.

I HATE YOUR WORK."

( laughter )

DO YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'VE BEEN NOTICINGA DISTURBING TREND

AMONG CERTAIN PEOPLE LATELY.

I WAS DOWNIN PALM SPRINGS AND...

HANGING OUT ON A DINAH SHORECLASSIC WEEKEND...

( laughter and clapping )

AND THIS REALLY, REALLY,SUPER-BUTCH DYKE HIT ON ME.

I GOT REALLY FREAKED OUT.

AND WE WERE TALKING FOR A WHILE,AND I JUST WAS, LIKE, "OH, GOD.

PLEASE JUST, LIKE,LEAVE ME ALONE."

AND IT TURNED OUTTO BE BRUCE JENNER.

I WAS SO...

( laughter and hooting )

( laughs )

WHY IS... THE WORLD ISTURNING UPSIDE TOPSY-TURVY.

THERE IS ALL THESE MENWHO LOOK LIKE HARDCORE LESBIANS.

HAVE YOU NOTICED?

( laughter )

I'M DOING SHTICK.

I GOT TO GO GET DE-SHTICKEDAFTER THIS.

( laughter )

I'M ACTUALLY DOING THINGSTO GET LAUGHS.

I'VE NEVER DONE THAT IN MY LIFE.

IT'S, LIKE, ANYTHING JUSTTO MAKE THEM LAUGH, PLEASE.

DEAR GOD, I'M SCARED.

( laughter )

NO, I'M NOT, NOT REALLY.

WELL, WE HAVE A BIG SHOWCOMING UP TONIGHT.

( laughter )

IF YOU'RE A NARCOLEPTIC.

NO, I'M JUST...

( laughter )

PEOPLE LOOKED DOWNON THE CLASS CLOWN.

IT'S A TOUGH AND DEDICATED JOBTO BE A CLASS CLOWN, MAN.

YOU BASICALLY THROWYOUR EDUCATIONAL FUTURE

INTO THE TOILET

FOR THE AMUSEMENTOF YOUR PINHEAD CLASSMATES

WHO DIDN'T PAY A COVER CHARGE.

( laughter )

I WOULD BLOW TESTS ON PURPOSE

BECAUSE THE STUFFI COULD WRITE IN

WOULD BE FUNNIERTHAN THE ACTUAL ANSWER, MAN.

"WHAT WILL YOU FIND IN THE ATOMWITH PROTONS AND NEUTRONS?"

"CROUTONS AND FUTONS."

( laughter )

"WHAT DO YOU THINKOF MUTINY ON THE BOUNTY?"

"WELL, PEOPLE SHOULDN'T FIGHTOVER PAPER TOWELS-- HA-HA!"

MAYBE THAT'S WHYI DON'T HAVE KIDS.

I'M AFRAID THEY'LLTURN OUT LIKE ME.

I GUESS KIDS GET HACKED AND MASHED

AND TOASTED AND FRIED SO MUCH

THAT PARENTS DON'T PAYATTENTION TO THAT ANYMORE

AND IF YOU'RE SINGLE, YOU HAVEAN ANEURISM JUST WATCHING THEM.

EVERY TIME I'M THERE

MY FRIENDS, THEY'RE ONTHE PRECIPICE OF DEATH.

EVERY SECOND I'M AT RUSS'S HOUSE

AND I'M LOOKING OVER HISSHOULDER IN THE LIVING ROOM

BECAUSE THERE'SHIS THREE-YEAR-OLD

DANCING ON THE GLASS COFFEETABLE WITH HIS GOLF CLEATS ON.

CAN OF KEROSENE IN ONE HAND,A LIGHTER IN THE OTHER.

"RUSS, REPRIMANDYOUR KIDS, MAN."

"OH, ALL RIGHT.

"HEY, YOU LITTLE TWERPS.

"WHAT'D DADDY TELL YOU?

"OUTSIDE WITHTHE PETROCHEMICALS

AND THE MATCHES, DAMN IT!"

( mimics explosion )

THEY BLOW UP IN THE HALLWAY.

"HEY, YOU DAMN KIDS!

"YOU THINK THOSE SMOKE ALARMBATTERIES ARE CHEAP?

"WELL, THEY'RE NINE VOLT!

"HAVE YOUR MOTHERBRING THE ALOE VERA.

I'M BUSY WATCHINGTHE BALL GAME."

MY FRIEND WATCHED THATJAPANESE PRIME MINISTER ON TV

AND WAS OUTRAGED.

HE REENACTED THE STORY

AND IT WAS SO FUNNYAND HYPOCRITICAL.

"DID YOU SEE THAT DAMN GOOK?

"HE COMES ON TVTELLING ME I'M LAZY.

"I WAS SO OUTRAGEDTHAT I HURLED THE REMOTE CONTROL

"AT THE DAMN TV SET.

"I WOULD HAVE GOT UPAND CHANGED IT

"BUT THE BATTERIES WERE LOWAND I WAS TIRED.

"I TOOK A NAPAND I ORDERED A PIZZA.

THEY DELIVER."

WE ARE LAZY.

ALL THESE JINGOISTIC AMERICANSSMASHING TOYOTAS

AND WE'RE COMPLETELY LAZY.

WE INVENTED THE FAST FOODDRIVE-UP WINDOW, FOR GOD'S SAKE.

( laughter )

HOW WOULD YOU EXPLAIN THAT?

HOW WOULD YOU EVENEXPLAIN THE CONCEPT

TO SOMEBODYFROM ANOTHER COUNTRY?

I'M NOT TALKING EUROPE, MAN.

LIKE, A PAKISTANI SLAVE BOY

WHO WORKS 15 HOURSIN A BRICK FACTORY ALL DAY.

LIVES IN A MUD HUT,EXISTS ON GOAT URINE AND FLIES--

HOW WOULD YOU TELL HIMAS AN AMERICAN

WHAT WOULD YOU SAY?

"SIT DOWN, WIPE THOSE FLIESOFF YOUR FACE.

YOU DON'T KNOWANYTHING ABOUT IT?"

( Pakistani accent: )"NO, I DON'T KNOW."

"ALL RIGHT, GEEZ, YOU GREASESTEW, YOU THIRD-WORLD DOG.

"ALL RIGHT, SOMEONE ELSEGREW THE FOOD

"SOMEONE ELSE HARVESTED IT,SOMEONE ELSE SHIPPED IT

SOMEONE ELSE PREPARED ITAND SOMEONE ELSE PRESENTED IT."

"UH, IS THAT ALL?"

"NO, THAT'S NOT ALL!

"I'M TOO LAZY TO GET MY FAT BUTT

"THE HECK OUT OF THE DAMN CARAND GET IT, ALL RIGHT?

SO I SIT THERE IDLINGFOR FOUR OR FIVE HOURS."

"DOES THE CAR GET GOOD MILEAGE?"

"IT'S AMERICAN,IT DOESN'T GET GOOD MILEAGE!"

"WHAT ABOUT GASOLINE?"

"WE'LL JUST ANNIHILATEA THIRD WORLD COUNTRY

"AND PRETEND WE DID ITFOR DEMOCRACY.

WON'T HAVE IT, DAMN IT!"

( loud cheering )

THANKS.

"DO YOU EAT LOWON THE FOOD CHAIN?

PERHAPS YOU HAVE SOME..."

"BEANS?! I'M HAVINGA DOUBLE BACON CHEESEBURGER

"WITH A SIDE ORDER OF LARDAND A BIG BOWL OF TALLOW.

"HOW THE HECK DOES THAT SOUND?

"RAIN CHECK TO BUTT CANCER,RAIN FOREST SPECIAL, 2.89.

I'M HAVING EIGHT OF THEM."

( laughter )

WE'RE SO LAZY.

"WELCOME TO JACK IN THE BOX.

CAN I TAKE YOUR ORDER?"

"WHAT DO YOU RECOMMEND?"

"HOW ABOUT SOME MOTIVATIONAND SELF-RESPECT

YOU LAZY AMERICAN CRETIN?"

"I WON'T HAVE IT!"

( zooms off )

LAZY? WE'RE NOT LAZY.

WE INVENTEDTHE DRIVE-BY SHOOTING.

GEEZ, WE DON'T HAVETHE COMMON DECENCY

TO BEAT SOMEBODY TO DEATHWITH A STICK OR OUR BARE HANDS

WE'RE GOING TO SHOOT THEMTHE LAZIEST WAY, BUT GUESS WHAT?

WE WON'T EVENGET OUT OF THE CAR!

WE WON'T EVEN STOP THE CAR.

IT'S A MANUAL TRANSMISSION--

YOU GOT TO PUSHTHE CLUTCH IN, DOWNSHIFT.

I WONDER HOW MANYDRIVE-BY SHOOTERS

WENT TO A DRIVE-UP WINDOW,LIKE, FIVE MINUTES BEFORE

FOR THE PENULTIMATELETHARGY AMERICAN EXPERIENCE.

"THERE THEY ARE!"

( gunshots )

"I TOLD YOU NO MUSTARDON THE BURGER-- HELL!"

WE PUT A HOLEIN THE OZONE LAYER.

ONE OF THE THINGS THATCAUSED IT IS AEROSOL CANS.

I THINK THAT'S HILARIOUSIN AN ODD WAY--

THAT WE MAY HAVE TO JUSTIFYTHE DEMISE OF THE PLANET

TO OUR GRANDKIDS BECAUSE OF,LIKE, DESSERT TOPPINGS.

BURROWING THROUGH SOMEMOLE TUNNEL YOU HAVE TO LIVE IN

BECAUSE THE PLANET'S AFLAMEON THE SURFACE.

ONLY PEOPLE FROM SCOTTSDALEARE HAPPY UP THERE NOW.

THE REST OF USHAVE TO LIVE LIKE GERBILS

AND YOU BUMP INTOYOUR GRANDSON ONE DAY.

"GRANDPA, I WAS JUSTIN THE ARCHIVES.

"YOU KNOW WHYWE HAVE TO LIVE HERE?

"YOU LIED TO ME.

"YOU KNEW IT WAS AEROSOL CANS

AND YOUR GENERATIONCONTINUED-- WHY?"

"WHY? DID YOU EVER TRYSTRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE

"WITHOUT REDDI WIP,YOU LITTLE TWERP, HUH?

"WHY'D WE DO IT.

GET BACK TO CHEMOTHERAPY,I CAN'T BE BOTHERED."

PEOPLE DON'T SEEMTO PAY ATTENTION, I GUESS.

THERE'S A MUSEUM,AND IF YOU'RE LIKE ME

GREW UP WITHTHE ZAPRUDER FILM

NOW YOU CAN STAND ON THE SPOT

WHERE THE FATAL BULLETSWERE FIRED.

YOU CAN SEEWHERE OSWALD SHOT FROM, TOO

IF YOU'RE INTERESTEDIN THAT BULL-CRAP

BUT YOU CAN STAND WHERETHE C.I.A. SET UP THEIR WEAPONS.

YOU CAN SEE THE TAPEOF THE DALLAS SHERIFF

TELLING PEOPLE EXACTLYWHAT THEY THINK HAPPENED.

THE PATH OF THE SECOND BULLETWAS ABSOLUTELY COMICAL.

( Texan accent: ) MEMBERS OF THE PRESS,LADIES AND GENTLEMEN

WE BELIEVE THAT THE PATH OFTHE SECOND BULLET IS AS FOLLOWS:

BULLET LEFTMR. OSWALD'S GUN HERE

TOP FLOOROF THE BOOK DEPOSITORY

CAME DOWN AT A 23-DEGREE ANGLE

INTO THE TOP REAROF THE PRESIDENT'S HEAD

EXITED THROUGHTHE FRONT OF HIS NECK

AND THEN HOVERED IN MID-AIRFOR TWO OR THREE HOURS...

( laughter )

DURING WHICH TIMETHE BULLET ENJOYED

A RAISIN SCONEAND A DOUBLE ESPRESSO DECAF--

YOU CAN SEE THAT CLEARLY--BEFORE CONTINUING ON

BOUNCING OFF OF GOVERNORCONNALLY'S THICK, RED NECK--

YOU CAN SEE THAT CLEARLYON THE GRAPH--

THEN CONTINUING DUE EASTTO NEW YORK

WHERE IT THEN KILLED SONNY CORLEONE AT A TOLL PLAZA.

VERY LOGICAL, LOGICAL.

VERY LOGICAL.

YEAH.

( hooting )

DON'T TALK POLITICSAT THE HOLIDAYS.

THAT'S THE WORSTPOSSIBLE TIME, MAN.

GO OVER TO MY RELATIVES' HOUSE.

DO YOU HAVE RELATIVES LIKE I DO?

YOU LOOK AT THEIR BIG,"FAR SIDE" HEADS

AND YOU THINK TO YOURSELF

"WOW, WHAT A MYSTERIOUSBEAST DNA IS, MAN.

THESE ARE MY FAMILY MEMBERS,GOD HELP ME."

SEE, I'M A VEGETARIAN, SO MYUNCLE ATTACKS ME ALL THE TIME.

EVERY YEAR THEY GO,"WHAT? YOU AIN'T EATING MEAT?

"SAY, I EAT MEATMY WHOLE DAMN LIFE.

"HELL, YEAH, BREAKFAST, LUNCH...

"I'D EAT CAPTAIN CRUNCHWITH BEEF BERRIES

IF THEY MADE THE DAMN CRAP."

YOU DON'T WANTTO TALK POLITICS, THOUGH.

AND I'M TRYING TO CHILL.

IT'S ALL OF THEM AGAINST ME,AND THEY'RE POKING

AND I'M SITTING THERE, YOU KNOW

LIKE, I.V. OF THORAZINEDRIPPING DOWN TO THE CABINET

TAKING QUAALUDES OUT OF A LEOBUSCAGLIA HEAD PEZ DISPENSER.

MY PROBLEM ISI DON'T REALLY ARGUE.

I JUST SAY SOMETHING SARCASTIC

WHICH IS REALLY MEAN,AND YET IT'S SO FUN

THAT I CAN'TSTOP MYSELF, REALLY.

"YOUR MOTHER TOLD ME

"YOU WEREN'T IN SUPPORTOF THE GULF WAR, YOUNG MAN.

"SADDAM HUSSEIN MARCHED HISBIG BUTT INTO ANOTHER COUNTRY.

"THAT WAS THEIR HOME!

"THOSE POOR PEOPLE FOUGHT BACK,HE SLAUGHTERED THEM.

WHAT THE HELLYOU THINK ABOUT THAT?"

"I THINK THAT'S HOWWE GOT OUR COUNTRY."

"I DON'T WANT TO HEARTHAT CRAP FROM YOU, DAMN IT!

"DAMN LIBERAL GOBBLEDYGOOK.

"I WON'T HAVE IT!

"DON'T GIVE ME THAT CRAP!

"DAMN, I WON'T HAVE IT.

"THE INDIANS WEREN'T WHITE MEN.

"THEY WERE SAVAGESLIKE THE JEW.

"I SAW YOUR LITTLE MTV THINGMAKING FUN OF MR. BUSH.

"LET ME TELL YOUABOUT MR. BUSH--

"A VETERAN AND A GREAT PATRIOT.

"MR. BUSH TOOK AN IDLE NATION

"AND RESTORED ITTO ITS FORMER GLORY.

WHAT THE HELLDO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT?"

"I THINK THAT IDLE NATIONWAS JAPAN."

"I DON'T WANT TO HEAR THAT!"

I JUST GOT A CALLFROM MY FUTURE EX-WIFE.

( laughter )

YEAH, WELL, SHE WANTEDTO GET INTO WOMEN'S LIB

SO I SAID, "FINE, YOU SLEEPIN THE WET SPOT.

IT'S ALL STICKY DOWN THERE."

OKAY, OKAY, BUT STRAIGHTEN OUTTHAT DAMN HAIR PIECE.

I GOT THIS TEENAGE KID, AND...

ANYBODY GOTANY TEENAGE KIDS OUT THERE?

( silence )

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

( laughter )

( valley dude accent: )HE'S, LIKE, TEENAGE TERMINATOR.

PERMANENT SHOCK ISI CAN'T REALLY UNDERSTAND.

LIKE... ( straining )

( straining: )FUCK... YOU.

HONEY, HE'S DOING IT AGAIN!

I GET MAYBE TWO WORDSOUT OF THE GUY.

LIKE, ( strains ),"BATTING CAGES!"

( laughter )

"AND THRUSTER, MAN."

( laughter )

SO MY KID GOESTO HERMOSA BEACH HIGH, RIGHT?

AND SO ALL THESEBLOND-HEADED NAZI SURFERS

START DOING SHAKESPEARE, RIGHT?

( laughter )

SO I GO TO THE PLAY,AND MY KID, YOU KNOW

AND HE'S... JUST LIKE HE'SJUST SO WIRED AND SLURPY--

"FUCK YOU, JOCK!"

SON, DON'T BLOW THE LINE,OKAY, JUST SAY THE...

( as son: )"NEWS, LADS, THE WORDS ARE DONE

THE DESPERATE TEMPESTHATH SO BEING THE TURKS."

( laughter )

"HOW IS THIS SOWHEN MICHAEL CASSIO

"LIEUTENANT TOTHE WARLIKE MOOR OTHELLO

"FOR HER POOR BLIND SONAND HEIR, YOUNG ADAM

"CUPID, YE THAT SHOT SO THIN

WHEN KING COPHETUA LOVEDTHE BEGGAR WENCH."

( laughter )

"ALAS, POOR YORICK,I KNEW HIM WELL

HE WAS A... RAD DUDE!"

( laughter )

THIS IS STAGECOACH,THE ENTIRE FILM.

( titters: )YOU THOUGHT THIS WASTHE CHART HOUSE, HUH?

OKAY.

( mimics horses galloping )

CAN YOU HEAR THAT?

IT'S THE HORSES.

( horses galloping )

( pulls reins )

( whinnying )

( galloping )

( gunshots )

( horse neighs )

( galloping )

( whip cracks )

( galloping )

♪ BARE-ASSED DUDEIS SITTING ON THE HILL ♪

♪ WHILE FLAPPING MY TITSAT BUFFALO BILL... YOW! ♪

♪ COME AND TIE MY PECKERTO A TREE, TO A TREE... YOW! ♪

♪ COME AND TIE MY PECKERTO A TREE. ♪

( whip cracks, galloping )

MY NAME IS LEONARD--STUPID, UGLY, IGNORANT LEONARD.

OLD BOY SITTING NEXT TO ME,HIS NAME'S SHOTGUN.

HE DON'T SAY A WHOLE LOT,HE JUST SITS THERE AND READS.

( laughter )

( whip lashes )

WHAT'S THAT YOUREADING THERE, SHOTGUN?

"I DON'T KNOW,I CAN'T SEE A DAMN THING."

INSIDE THIS HERE STAGECOACH

THERE'S A LITTLEPREGNANT GIRL NAMED CATHY

AND SHE'S SO STUPID THAT SHECAN ONLY READ READER'S DIGEST

AND HER HUSBAND'S STATIONEDIN THE PHILIPPINES.

( whip cracks )

( galloping )

PALM UP YOUR 4.10, BOSS.

SOMEONE'S STANDINGIN THE STAGE LINE.

( unclasps holster )

( reins in horse )

DUST, DIRT, CACTUS, ZANE GREY--THEY'RE ALL BACK THERE.

HEY, YOU, WHAT YOU DOINGSTANDING OUT THERE

IN THE MIDDLEOF THE STAGE LINE, BY GOD?

( effeminate voice: )THIS I DON'T NEED.

WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE, YOU ASS?

( gruffly: )WATCH WHAT YOU CALL ME, BOY,I'LL BUST YOUR BACK.

I BET YOU COULD.

LET ME GET HIM!

WHAT'S YOUR NAME,WHERE ARE YOU HEADED FOR?

OH, CHRIST, MY NAME IS KID RIO

AND I WAS ON MY WAY TOSAUSALITO TO VISIT THIS NOVELIST

AND MY STALLION BROKERIGHT OUTSIDE OF LARAMIE

AND I'M JUST OUT HEREDIGGING THE SUN.

YOU BETTER PUTYOUR CLOTHES ON, BOY

YOU'LL GET YOURPECKER SUNBURNED!

GOING TO GIVE YOU A RIDE,BUT YOU CAN'T BRING

THAT THERE SIDESADDLEON BOARD MY STAGE.

NOW, HOP ON BOARD.

OH, GET HIM.

WELL, HELL!

( shootout )

( horse neighs )

( whooshes )

SAM PECKINPAH.

( gunshot ringing )

( rider galloping in slow motion )

( laughter )

( explosion )

( galloping )

( gunshot echoing )

( whip lashing slowly )

( crack )

( singing Indian chant )

( arrow whipping out )

( bow string stretches )

( arrow flies )

( slow motion galloping )

( arrow zings, hits )

OH, DAMN!

( ripping )

( arrow whooshes )

( gunshots )

( arrow whizzes )

THANK YOU, GOOD NIGHT.

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