November 10, 2014 - Andy Cohen

  • 11/10/2014

North Korea releases two American prisoners, Rush Limbaugh warns the GOP against governing, snack technology leaps forward, and Andy Cohen discusses "The Andy Cohen Diaries."

(EAGLE CAW)>> Stephen: TONIGHT,

REPUBLICANS RETAKE CONGRESS.

COULD THEY DRIVE ITS APPROVALRATING ALL THE WAY UP TO ZERO?

(LAUGHTER)THEN, AN IMPORTANT BREAKTHROUGH

IN SNACK FOODS.

CHEESE NIPS THAT CONTAIN REALCHEESE -- AND REAL NIPPLE!

(LAUGHTER)AND MY GUEST IS ANDY COHEN, HOST

OF BRAVO'S "WATCH WHAT HAPPENSLIVE."

TONIGHT, YOU CAN WATCH WHATHAPPENS PRETAPED.

(LAUGHTER)A SCIENTIST IN GERMANY HAS

DISCOVERED A WAY TO MAKE DIAMONDS FROM PEANUT BUTTER.

SO FELLAS, YOU CAN NOW PROPOSEWITH A JAR OF JIF.

(LAUGHTER)THIS IS THE "COLBERT REPORT."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)(AUDIENCE CHANTING "STEPHEN")

>> Stephen: THANK YOU, LADIESAND GENTLEMEN!

WELCOME TO "THE REPORT"!

GOOD TO HAVE YOU WITH US!

(AUDIENCE CHANTING "STEPHEN")THAT'S THE SOUND OF FREEDOM,

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!

THANK YOU SO MUCH!

PLEASE, SIT DOWN!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)WHAT DID AN AMAZING NIGHT,

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! THE FORCEIS STRONG WITH THESE ONES

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)FOLKS, PLEASE HAVE A SEAT.

LET'S DO THE SHOW, WE'VE GOT

LOT TO TALK ABOUT TONIGHT.

OBVIOUSLY, WE'RE GOING TO BEANALYZING THE ONGOING

GEOPOLITICAL REALIGNMENT IN THEMIDDLE EAST

WITH ANDY COHEN MAYBE OVERSOME COCKTAILS.

(LAUGHTER)BUT FIRST, NATION, HUGE NEWS OUT

OF NORTH KOREA WHERE DEAR LEADERKIM JONG-UN HAS FINALLY

RE-EMERGED IN PUBLIC AFTER ACOURAGEOUS BATTLE WITH STAGE 5

CHEESE ANKLE. SO GOOD TO SEE HIMBACK.

UNFORTUNATELY, HIS BEST FRIENDLUBEY WASN'T AVAILABLE TO

CELEBRATE WITH HIM, SO INSTEADKIM PAID A VISIT TO THE SECOND

HAPPIEST PLACE IN NORTH KOREA.

AN ORPHANAGE.

(LAUGHTER)OF COURSE, THE BEDS ARE ALL

EMPTY BECAUSE THE KIDS ARE ATWORK.

WHICH IS TOO BAD.

KIM WAS LOOKING FORWARD TOTEACHING THEM HOW TO SMOKE.

(LAUGHTER)OF COURSE, HE'LL EVENTUALLY HAVE

TO PASS THE CIGARETTE OFF TO THESTUFFED ANIMALS BONING ON THE

DRESSER IN THE BACKGROUND

(LAUGHTER)(CHEERING)

BUT FOLKS, AS MUCH AS THIS PHOTODELIGHTS, THERE'S AN EVEN BIGGER

STORY COMING OUT OF THE HERMITKINGDOM.

>> TWO AMERICAN PRISONERS,KENNETH BAE AND MATTHEW TODD

MILLER, RETURNED TO U.S. SOILFROM NORTH KOREA.

>> WE HAD AN INDICATION THATTHERE WAS A POSSIBILITY OF

RELEASE, AND WE PURSUED IT.

IT'S A GOOD-NEWS STORY.

>> Stephen: IS IT A GOOD NEWSSTORY, SIR?

'CUZ FOX NEWS IS REPORTING,"OBAMA CANCELS TWO AMERICANS'

VACATIONS."

YEAH, SHOCKING.

OF COURSE, THE MOST MIRACULOUSPART OF THEIR RELEASE IS THAT IT

WAS NOT NEGOTIATED BY DENNISRODMAN.

(LAUGHTER)>> THIS RELEASE WAS SECURED BY

AMERICA'S TOP SPY, JAMESCLAPPER, THE DIRECTOR OF

NATIONAL INTELLIGENCE WHOCARRIED A PERSONAL LETTER FROM

PRESIDENT OBAMA TO NORTH KOREANLEADERS.

>> Stephen: YEP, WE GAVE THEMA DOSE OF THE CLAPPER!

(LAUGHTER)AND ALL IT TOOK WAS A PERSONAL

LETTER FROM THE PRESIDENT.

THAT WAS A NICE PERSONAL TOUCH.

THESE DAYS, TOO MANY KIDS JUSTTEXT THEIR PARDON REQUESTS.

(LAUGHTER)FOLKS, I'VE GOT TO SAY, I DON'T

ENVY THESE MEN.

TWO YEARS OF FORCED LABOR.

THAT COULD NOT HAVE BEEN GOOD.

>> I LEARNED A LOT.

I GREW A LOT.

LOST A LOT OF WEIGHT IN A GOODWAY.

>> OR MAYBE IT WAS GREAT.

YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY -- YOUCAN NEVER BE TOO RICH OR TOO

IMPRISONED IN NORTH KOREA.

(LAUGHTER)I MEAN, WE'VE ALL TRIED THE ZONE

DIET.

MAYBE IT'S TIME FOR THEDEMILITARIZED ZONE DIET.

PLUS, THERE'S NO CHANCE YOU WILLGIVE UP EARLY, BECAUSE IT'S

ALMOST AS HARD TO GET OUT OFNORTH KOREA AS IT IS A GYM

MEMBERSHIP.

(LAUGHTER)ANYWAY, WELCOME HOME, GENTLEMEN.

I FOR ONE AM STILL RIDING HIGHFROM THE G.O.P.'S TRIUMPH IN

LAST WEEK'S MIDTERM ELECTION.

THIS MEANS THERE WILL BE MOREREPUBLICANS THAN EVER MAKING

GOVERNMENT SMALLER BY WORKINGFULL-TIME IN WASHINGTON.

(LAUGHTER)IN FACT, THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY TO

DESCRIBE THIS VICTORY.

>> WE'VE GOT A NEW CONGRESS,WE'VE GOT A NEW MANDATE.

>> THE MANDATE WAS SKEPTICISM BYAMERICAN PEOPLE THE COUNTRY IS

NOT HEADED IN THE RIGHTDIRECTION.

>> IT WAS ABSOLUTELY A MANDATE.

>> Stephen: YES, IT WASABSOLUTELY A MANDATE, THANKS TO

AN HISTORIC TURNOUT OF JUST 37%OF ELIGIBLE VOTERS, THE LOWEST

SINCE 1942.

AND REMEMBER, THAT WAS THEGREATEST GENERATION!

BACK THEN, ON ELECTION DAY, THEYOUNG PEOPLE WERE TOO BUSY

ANSWERING THE CALL OF DUTY TOVOTE.

JUST LIKE YOUNG PEOPLE TODAY.

(LAUGHTER)AND NOW THAT THE G.O.P. HAS

THEIR LARGEST MAJORITY IN 85YEARS, THANKS TO THE LOWEST

VOTER TURNOUT IN 72 YEARS, THEYHAVE THE OBLIGATION TO ENACT

THE AGENDA OF THE ANGRIEST MANIN THE SMALLEST COUNTY IN IOWA.

THEY JUST NEED TO DO ONETHING --

>> NOW THE REPUBLICANS NEED TOGOVERN.

>> PUT FORWARD THEIR PLANS,THEIR IDEAS, THEIR SOLUTIONS FOR

THE COUNTRY.

>> THEY NEED TO STEP FORWARDWITH A PLAN.

>> SHOW THE AMERICAN PEOPLE THATTHEY CAN GOVERN.

>> REPUBLICANS WILL HAVE TO TAKETHIS GOLDEN OPPORTUNITY THEY

HAVE BEEN GIVEN AND ACTUALLYGOVERN SOMETHING.

>> Stephen: YES, IT IS TIMEFOR REPUBLICANS TO GOVERN.

BEFORE THIS, THEY WERE JUST PAIDEXTRAS ON C-SPAN.

(LAUGHTER)AND THAT CALL FOR G.O.P.

LEADERSHIP BRINGS US TOTONIGHT'S WORD.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)THANK YOU, SENATOR AKBAR.

IT IS A TRAP.

IT MAY SEEM LIKE THE AMERICANPEOPLE WANT REPUBLICANS TO GET

SOMETHING DONE, BUT DON'T YOUFALL FOR IT!

THAT'S NOT JUST AKBAR TALKING.

THAT'S ALSO ADVICE FROM JABBATHE RUSH.

>> IT IS THE BIGGEST AND PERHAPSTHE MOST IMPORTANT MANDATE A

POLITICAL PARTY HAS HAD IN THERECENT ERA, IT IS VERY SIMPLE

WHAT THE MANDATE IS.

IT IS TO STOP BARACK OBAMA.

REPUBLICANS WERE NOT ELECTED TOGOVERN.

>> Stephen: THANK YOU.

REPUBLICANS WERE NOT ELECTED TOGOVERN.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)HUGE, HUGE RUSH LIMBAUGH FANS

HERE TONIGHT!

(CHEERING)REPUBLICANS WEREN'T ELECTED TO

GOVERN.

THEIR ONE JOB IS TO STOP OBAMA!

BUT THERE'S AN EVEN MORE URGENTREASON TO DO NOTHING.

(LAUGHTER)ACCORDING TO A NEW EDITORIAL BY

THE NATIONAL REVIEW CALLED "THEGOVERNING TRAP," IF VOTERS CAME

TO BELIEVE THAT A REPUBLICANCONGRESS AND A DEMOCRATIC

PRESIDENT ARE DOING A FINE JOBOF GOVERNING TOGETHER, WHY

WOULDN'T THEY VOTE TO CONTINUETHE ARRANGEMENT IN 2016?

YES, THEN YOU WILL BE TRAPPEDTOGETHER FOR ANOTHER FOUR YEARS

DOING A COMPETENT JOB OFGOVERNING!

WHO WANTS THAT?

POINT IS, ANYTHING REPUBLICANSACCOMPLISH, NO MATTER HOW

INSIGNIFICANT, COULD LEAD TOPRESIDENT HILLARY CLINTON.

(CHEERING)BESIDES, NOBODY LIKES PEOPLE WHO

ACTUALLY GOVERN.

LOOK AT OBAMA.

HE TURNED THE ECONOMY AROUND ANDGAVE MILLIONS OF PEOPLE

HEALTHCARE -- WHAT AN ASSHOLE.

AND AS THE NATIONAL REVIEWPOINTS OUT, NOT ONLY WOULD

GOVERNING BE TOO EFFECTIVE, ITWOULD ALSO BE COMPLETELY

INEFFECTIVE.

BECAUSE "IF REPUBLICANS PROCLAIMTHAT THEY HAVE TO GOVERN NOW

THAT THEY RUN CONGRESS, THEYMAXIMIZE THE INCENTIVE FOR THE

DEMOCRATS TO FILIBUSTEREVERYTHING THEY CAN."

YES, AND FILIBUSTERINGEVERYTHING YOU CAN IS COWARDLY.

WHAT IS WORSE: "APROVE-YOU-CAN-GOVERN STRATEGY

WILL INEVITABLY DIVIDE THE PARTYON THE SAME TEA PARTY VS.

ESTABLISHMENT LINES THATREPUBLICANS HAVE JUST SUCCEEDED

IN OVERCOMING."

THAT'S RIGHT.

IF REPUBLICANS DO ANYTHING, ITWILL START THE INFIGHTING.

THINK ABOUT IT -- THE BEATLESNEVER WOULD HAVE BROKEN UP IF

THEY NEVER RELEASED ANY RECORDS.

INSTEAD OF MAKING THE MISTAKE OFDOING THINGS NOW, THE NATIONAL

REVIEW SAYS THE G.O.P. SHOULDFOCUS ON THE FUTURE BY"BUILDING

THE CASE FOR REPUBLICANGOVERNANCE AFTER 2016" AND

"EXPLAINING WHAT REPUBLICANS...

WOULD DO IF THEY HAD THE WHITEHOUSE ."

YES, IT'S TIME TO SHOW THEAMERICAN PEOPLE THAT

REPUBLICANS ARE CAPABLE OF BOLD,DECISIVE ACTION...

SOMETIME LATER.

(LAUGHTER)THEN REPUBLICANS WILL BE ABLE TO

TAKE BACK THE WHITE HOUSE.

AND WHEN THEY FINALLY CONTROLTHE PRESIDENCY AND BOTH HOUSES

OF CONGRESS, AT LAST IT WILL BETIME TO GOVERN...

IS JUST WHAT THEY WANT YOU TOTHINK.

BECAUSE THAT'S JUST ANOTHERTRAP!

BECAUSE THE G.O.P. CAN'T ACTUNTIL THEY'VE SECURED AN

ALL-REPUBLICAN SUPREME COURT, 50REPUBLICAN GOVERNORS, 50

REPUBLICAN STATE LEGISLATORS,AND AN ALL-REPUBLICAN PROM

COMMITTEE.

(LAUGHTER)AND EVEN WHEN THERE ARE NO

DEMOCRATS LEFT ANYWHERE, THEYSTILL SHOULD NOT GOVERN.

BECAUSE ANOTHER REPUBLICAN COULDRUN AGAINST THEM IN THE PRIMARY.

AND THEY'D BE WIDE OPEN TOATTACKS ON THEIR VOTING RECORD

IF THEY HAVE ONE.(LAUGHTER)

OF COURSE, REFUSING TO GOVERN ATALL

MIGHT EVENTUALLY BECOME HARD TOSELL TO THE AMERICAN PEOPLE, SO

THEY MIGHT HAVE TO WAIT UNTILTHERE ISN'T AN AMERICA ANYMORE.

AND IF THEY REFUSE THERESPONSIBILITY TO GOVERN, WELL,

THAT WILL BE RIGHT AROUND THECORNER.

AND THAT'S THE WORD.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,

EVERYBODY!

THANKS SO MUCH!(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

NATION, TONIGHT I COME TO YOUWITH NEWS OF A

SCIENTIFIC BREAKTHROUGH GIVINGMILLIONS OF AMERICANS HOPE FOR A

BETTER TOMORROW.

I SIT HERE AS EYEWITNESS TOHISTORY, PRIVILEGED TO SAY THE

FOLLOWING WORDS -- MOUNTAIN DEWNOW TASTES LIKE DORITOS.

JIM?

>> PEPSI AND FRITO-LAY HAVETEAMED UP TO CREATE

DORITOS-FLAVORED MOUNTAIN DEW.

THE NEW SODA IS CALLED DEWITOSAND IS NOW BEING TASTE-TESTED ON

COLLEGE CAMPUSES.

>> Stephen: YES, FOODSCIENTISTS ARE USING UNDERGRAD

LAB RATS TO TEST A NEWDORITO-MOUNTAIN DEW HYBRID.

YOU WERE RIGHT, STONERS --

FRITO-LAY CAN HEAR YOURTHOUGHTS!

(LAUGHTER)FINALLY, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

AN ANSWER TO THE QUESTION --WHAT IF MY DORITOS WERE WET

AND CAFFEINATED? WHAT WOULD THATTASTE LIKE?

>> KENT STATE FRESHMAN STEVEBARNES TASTED DEWITOS SODA AT

THE OHIO COLLEGE RECENTLY.

HE DESCRIBES IT AS LIKE ORANGEWITH A NACHO CHEESE AFTERTASTE.

>> Stephen: MAKES SENSE.

THE MAIN INGREDIENT IN DORITOSIS "AFTERTASTE."

NOW, THANKS TO PEPSI CO.

INNOVATORS, THOSE WHO WANT TODRINK THEIR NACHO NO LONGER HAVE

TO FIND THE A.M.C. CONCESSIONSTAND WHERE NOBODY'S WATCHING

THE CHEESE PUMP. FOLKS, I GOTTASAY,

I'LL ADMIT, I'M NOT PROUD OF IT,BUT

I ONCE WAS A DEW DOUBTER.

I NEVER THOUGHT MOUNTAIN DEWWOULD BE ABLE TO ACHIEVE THE

COLD FUSION.

BUT, BOY, DID I SLURP MY WORDS.

AND NOW PEPSICO HAS MADE GOODON THEM ACTUAL 2012 PROMISE TO,

QUOTE, TAKE FOODS AND DRINKIFYTHEM.

(AUDIENCE REACTS)HOW FITTING.

MY FAVORITE TIME TO EAT DORITOSIS WHEN I'M DRUNKIFIED.

(LAUGHTER)AND WITH DEW-ITOS NOW A

REALITY, MANKIND IS APPROACHINGTHE LONG-PREDICTED SNACK

SINGULARITY -- THE SNACKULARITY,IF YOU WILL.

(LAUGHTER)IN WHICH FOOD SCIENTISTS ACHIEVE

A UNITY OF ALL FLAVORS.

DRINKS THAT TASTE LIKE CHIPS,CHIPS THAT TASTE LIKE DIPS.

WE ARE ALL FLAVORNAUTS,EXPLORING THE OUTER REACHES OF

THE MILKY WAY.

WHICH IS NOW AVAILABLE AS ANASAL SPRAY. THAT'LL WAKE YOU UP

(LAUGHTER)BUT EVEN MORE PROFOUND, THE DAWN

OF DEW-ITOS BRINGS US TO THEVERY INTERSECTION OF SCIENCE AND

SPIRITUALITY, AND OPENS THETASTEBUDS TO AN INFINITE FOOD

COURT OF THE MIND, KNOWN TO THEBUDDHISTS AS THE

THE NOBLE EIGHTFOLD GORDITA.

BECAUSE YOU KNOW THE BUDDHAWOULD HAVE POUNDED THAT THING!

(LAUGHTER)SO I SALUTE THE SNACKOLOGISTS

WHO PIONEERED THIS DEWITOSBREAKTHROUGH.

UNTIL NOW, TO GET THIS FLAVORCOMBO, YOU'D HAVE TO CONSUME

MOUNTAIN DEW AND DORITOSSEPARATELY AND THEN THROW UP IN

YOUR MOUTH A LITTLE.

(LAUGHTER)JUST A LITTLE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)BY THE WAY, THAT WOULD BE A

GREAT SLOGAN.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,

EVERYBODY!

MY GUEST TONIGHT IS THE HOST OFBRAVO'S "WATCH WHAT HAPPENS

LIVE."

TO MAKE HIM FEEL AT HOME, I'MALREADY DRUNK.

PLEASE WELCOME ANDY COHEN!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)HEY, ANDY!

GOOD TO SEE YOU!

THANKS FOR COMING BACK!

IT'S ALWAYS SO NICE TO HAVE YOUON THE SHOW.

>> I APPRECIATE IT.

ALWAYS NICE TO BE HERE.

>> Stephen: YOU HAVE THEGIGAWATT SMILE, A BREATH OF

FRESH AIR, AND AN IMPRESSIVE ASHELL DUDE. YOU'RE AN

EMMY AWARD WINNING HOST OF,"WATCH WHAT HAPPENS LIVE" ON

BRAVO, ALSO EXECUTIVEPRODUCER OF THE

"REAL HOUSEWIVES" FRANCHISE>> WHICH YOU LOVE

>> Stephen: I LOVE THE REALHOUSEWIVES.

I GOTS TO HAVE MY NAYNAY(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

AND YOU'RE A BEST SELLINGAUTHOR WITH A NEW BOOK, "THE

ANDY COHEN DIARIES" -- A DEEPLOOK AT A SHALLOW YEAR.

>> YES.

(LAUGHTER)>> Stephen: LET'S TALK ABOUT

YOUR EPIC SHALLOWNESS.

>> YES.

>> Stephen: IT HAS BEEN SAIDTHAT YOU COULDN'T GET YOUR

ANKLES WET IN ANDY COHEN.

YOU COULD NOT DROWN A FERRET INHOW SHALLOW YOU ARE.

>> I THINK I WAS THE ONE WHOSAID HOW SHALLOW I AM.

I MODELED THIS BOOK AFTER ANDYWARHOL'S DIARIES.

OF COURSE, THE ARTIST WHO WENTOUT EVERY NIGHT OF THE WEEK, HE

DROPPED A TON OF NAMES.

I DROP A TON OF NAMES IN THEBOOK.

HE WAS FASCINATED BY CELEBRITY,AS AM I.

THAT'S WHY I WANTED TO SHARE MYDEEPLY SHALLOW BUT DEEP STORIES

ABOUT A LIFE OUT RUNNING AROUND,HOSTING A LATE-NIGHT TALK SHOW,

RUNNING AROUND THE WORLD, ANDTHE DEEP PART COMES TALKING

ABOUT DATING AND I RESCUED THEDOG,

AND FELL IN LOVE WITH THE DOG.

THAT'S WHERE IT GETS REALLYDEEP.

THE DOG RESCUED ME!

>> Stephen: WOW!

(LAUGHTER)>> YES!

>> Stephen: THAT'S A TWIST YOUDON'T SEE COMING.

>> TOTAL, IT'S THREE-QUARTERSOF THE WAY THROUGH THE BOOK.

YOU WON'T BELIEVE IT.

>> Stephen: IT CAN BEDANGEROUS.

IN REAL LIFE, IF YOU TRY TO TAKEA DEEP LOOK IN A SHALLOW POOL,

YOU COULD BREAK YOUR NECK.

>> YEAH, YOU HAVE TO BE CAREFUL(LAUGHTER)

>> Stephen: SO IT'S IN THE FORMOF A DIARY, IT'S ONE YEAR

YOU WROTE EVERYTHING YOU DIDEVERY DAY

HOW LONG DID IT TAKE FOR YOUTO WRITE IT?

(LAUGHTER)>> LET ME THINK --

>> Stephen: DID YOU WRITE ALLTHIS BY THE WAY?

IT'S NOT GHOST WRITTEN?

>> 100% ALL ME

>> Stephen: THE DOG DIDN'TWRITE ANY OF IT?

>> THE DOG DIDN'T WRITE ANY OFIT. THE DOG JUST

WRITES HIS INSTAGRAM ACCOUNT. ITTOOK ME EXACTLY A YEAR TO WRITE

OF COURSE, AND THERE'S A LITTLEBRIDGET JONES DIARY THROWN IN

THERE TOO, WHICH I KNOW YOU'LLENJOY.

>> Stephen: YOU'RE NOT GONNALOSE A LOT OF WEIGHT AND WE

WON'T RECOGNIZE YOU ANYMORE,WILL YOU?

>> NO. THOUGH I DID BECOMEOBSESSED WITH MY WEIGHT AND LET

MY MOOD BE DICTATED BY WHATEVERTHE SCALE WAS TELLING ME IN THE

MORNING AT THE GYM.

>> Stephen: HOW YOU FEELING?

I BROKE THE PATTERN.

I BROKE THE HABIT.

>> Stephen: WHAT DID YOU DO TODO THAT?

>> I JUST SAID, I CAN'T DO THISANYMORE.

I'M A FOOL.

WHY AM I LETTING A VARIANCE OF4 POUNDS DICTATE MY MOOD FOR THE

DAY, TAKING IT OUT ON OTHERS?

>> Stephen: AND THEN WHAT DIDTHE PAXIL SAY?

(LAUGHTER)THAT'S ONE OF THE SIGNS OF THE

PAXIL, THIS MOVEMENT.

(LAUGHTER)>> YEAH.

>> Stephen: LET'S TALK ABOUTSOME OF THE STARS YOU HAVE.

YOU SAY IT'S A SHALLOW LIFE, BUTYOU DO MEET INCREDIBLE, CREATIVE

ARTISTS.

CHER, GOOD FRIEND ANDERSONCOOPER, LADY GAGA.

>> YEAH.

>> Stephen: AT ONE POINT, YOUWERE HANGING OUT WITH LADY GAGA

AND MALALA YOUSAFZAI. >> YES

>> Stephen: AND LET'S SAY IT,IT'S A SAFE PLACE. MALALA'S

SUCH A STAR [BLEEP] AT THISPOINT, RIGHT?

>> YOU THINK THAT, TOO?

>> Stephen: TOTALLY>> ME TOO!

>> Stephen: "I'LL COME, MAYBE --WILL GAGA BE THERE?"

WHAT WAS SHE LIKE? HOW DOESSHE FIT INTO YOUR WORLD

BECAUSE SHE IS TRULY DEEP.>> SHE IS TRULY DEEP

>> Stephen: ARE YOU HUMBLED BYSOMEONE LIKE THAT?

>> I AM ABSOLUTELY BUT I WASALSO QUITE AMUSED BEING IN THE

PRESENCE OF BOTH OF THEM,BECAUSE THAT'S AN AWKWARD COMBO

AND I LOVE AWKWARD DUOS AND THEYARE ONE. AND I LOVE

EAVESDROPPING ON THEIRCONVERSATION AND REPORTING ON IT

>> Stephen: WHAT WAS IT?

GA-GA WAS TRYING TO EXPLAINTO HER ABOUT THE LITTLE MONSTERS

AND HER FASHION, AND I DON'TKNOW IF IT WAS TRANSLATING

AND -->> Stephen: WAS SHE TRYING TO

INVITE MALALA TO BE A LITTLEMONSTER?

>> YES, I THINK SO.>> Stephen: WHEREAS MALALA

ACTUALLY LIVES IN A COUNTRY FULLOF

ACTUAL MONSTERS.

>> TRUE.

>> Stephen: ONE THING I NOTICEIN HERE, I JUST OPENED A COUPLE

OF PAGES AT RANDOM.

>> YOU DIDN'T READ THE BOOK,STEPHEN?

>> Stephen: I DID, BUT NOT INTHE CORRECT ORDER.

I READ WORDS AT RANDOM. I THINKI GOT THE GIST

>> IT'S FUN THAT WAY.>> Stephen: IT REALLY IS

YOU MAKE WHAT YOU DO EASY BUT IWAS JUST FLIPPING THROUGH THE

BOOK AND THERE ARE SO MANYCHALLENGES YOU FACE

IN THE BOOK

>> I DO.

>> Stephen: YOU FALL ASLEEPDURING YOUR MASSAGES.

YOUR LOCAL DRY-CLEANER CHANGESMANAGEMENT WITHOUT WARNING.

YOU'RE TRYING TO GET TO FIREISLAND BUT FOR SOME REASON

WEST 12TH STREET IS CLOSED

WHERE DO YOU FIND THE COURAGETHE GO ON, ANDY COHEN?

>> YOU KNOW WHAT?

THANK YOU FOR RECOGNIZING THESTRUGGLE THAT IS ME.

IF YOU'RE GETTING A MASSAGE ANDYOU FALL ASLEEP

>> Stephen: DID YOU GET AMASSAGE?

>> DID HE DO YOUR LEGS?

IF YOU WAKE UP AND SAY, DIDYOU DO MY LEGS?

BECAUSE THEY HURT.

HE SAYS, YEAH I DID YOUR LEGS

HOW DO YOU KNOW? >> Stephen: NEXT TIME, PRETEND

TO SLEEP AND TRY TO TRAP HIM.>> YOU'RE RIGHT.

THE BUTT OF EVERY JOKE IN THISBOOK IS ME SO, YES, THOSE ARE

SOME OF THE STRUGGLES I HAVE.>> Stephen: CAN I TELL YOU WHY

I THINK YOU'RE AN ACTUALCULTURAL ARBITER HERE?

YOU'RE STILL THE EXECUTIVEPRODUCER OF THE "REAL

HOUSEWIVES" SERIES, RIGHT?

>> YES, SIR.

>> Stephen: HOW SMALL A TOWNCAN WE GO TO AND STILL HAVE REAL

CRITICAL REALNESS OF HOUSEWIFERY?

IS IT ATLANTA? CAN WE DOMEMPHIS? CAN WE DO

FOND DU LAC OR DES PLAINESILLINOIS? HOW BIG OF A TOWN--

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR, WHATCONSTITUTES REALNESS?

>> I THINK WE'RE GOOD RIGHT NOWBUT I YOU'RE ON TO SOMETHING.

I LIKE THE IDEA OF FIVE WOMEN INMOM JEANS HOLDING CORN AT THE

BEGINNING OF THE SHOW.>> Stephen: I THINK THEY'RE JUST

AS EQUALLY CAPABLE OF ALCOHOLISMAND RAGE.

>> 100%!

>> Stephen: ANDY, THANK YOU SOMUCH.

THE "THE ANDY COHEN DIARIES"COMES OUT TOMORROW!

GO GET IT!

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: THAT'S IT FOR "THE

REPORT," EVERYBODY!

GOOD NIGHT!