ULTIMATE SKETCH ARCHIVE
Andre and Meegan have a serious talk, a rapper runs into trouble while trying to storm out of an interview, and an airline passenger adapts to life in economy plus.
I said it.I said it right there.
I was like,"You a woman."
- Mm-hmm.- "I'm a man."
- Mm-hmm.- There's a difference--
They bumpin' niggasup in here.
Here it is.It's going off.
Which one of y'allmotherfuckers...
What the fuck you gonna doabout it?
Oh, I'll tell youwhat I'ma do about it!
You don't wantto do this today.
Ooh, yeah.Yeah, what?
You lucky my friend'sholding me.
You lucky,'cause I'll tear your head off!
Don't hold me back, dude!Don't hold me back!
Oh, okay.Then go for it.
See, I know, though,
if I were to lungeat you right now,
my friend right here--he'd catch me
at the lastpossible second--
No, no,no, I won't.
But my friend does havethe cognizance
to tell me I don't needto be going up
and committing capital murderup in a club tonight.
Oh, no, just knock himunconscious, dog.
You don't haveto kill anybody.
I mean, no need for that.That's excessive.
Tear him up.
I will, but--
[stammering]Wait. Let me finish my sentence.
I will, uh...
Oh, snap.You know what?
You lucky my boy's usinghis telekinetic powers
to hold me backright now.
No, I'm not.
Well, maybe it's the typeof telekinesis
that's a mutant power that youdidn't realize you had
until the moment it--
I got it.I see, I see.
So you want meto hold you back.
I'm a dragon.
Oh, yeah,I want to rip this.
I'm a lion.I'm a tiger over here.
I'm a bear.Oh, my.
I'll go crazyon you.
Oh, I can't believe it.
The man--he's like a tornadoup in here.
Don't hold me back.
I can't even believeI can hold him back.
Do it, man!
I can't believeI'm this strong!
Let me go!Let me go!
I'm one-arming it.I can't believe I'm this strong.
Let me go!
I'ma hold him backwith one finger.
He's like a little baby.He can't get past me.
He's like a little--Ow!What?
- I'm a little baby?- I'm holding you back, man!
- You're stupid, man!- I know.
I got carried away.I apologize.
What you meanyou got carried away?
You told me to hold you back.I was holding you back.
What do youwant me to do?
In a fight situation,no means no,
and yes means yes.
How wouldI have known that?
Oh, wait.Come on, man, ow.
Come on, that hurt.
And you holding meback now?
Thank youvery much for that.
Okay, well,just at least change it up.
Okay, nowyou listen.
So what do you wantto do tonight?
Like, I was thinkingmaybe we could meet up
with Amy and Brad,and, like, before that,
we could go to Angela's,and before that,
we could, like, just go--
I have somethingto say.
I had to say itin person
because it's--it's, like, super important.
I know this is sudden,but, like,
I've been thinkingabout this for a while.
And I know this is somethingthat needs to happen.
I'm breaking upwith you.
Totally finewith that.
- R-Really?- Yeah.
'Cause I thought--
I was really worried
that you weregonna be, like, mad.
Mad?Oh, my God.
Are you kidding me?
No, of courseI'm not mad.
People grow apart.It happens.
It's, like,part of life.
No, I'm totally fine.
Like, love it,love it, love it.
we had a good run.
And, uh, don't bea stranger.
Can I just--
Can I ask why?
- Why?- Yeah, like, whatevs.
Like, I'm doing some workon myself
and, like, trying to growas a person,
so I'd really, like,appreciate to know why.
Okay, yeah,that's, like--
You know, I thinkthat you're kind of, like,
a controllingperson who--
Thank you.Thank you for that.
That's nice.Thank you for that.
So you know whatyour problem is, Andre?
You keep tabson people.
Every little thingsomebody does,
you have to keepa tab of it.
Wait. I-I can't tellif you're angry or not.
Mm, totally not angry.
No, I'm excited.It's good.
It's just, like,you said your piece,
and I just thinkthat I deserve the human decency
to say my piece.
Is that--is that not okay?
No, no, no.It's--
Of course, of course.
You're a controlling,manipulative person.
Everyone says that.
I-I don't thinkthat I am.
Yes, you are, Andre.
Yes, you motherfucking are.
Okay, now--now,you sound pretty angry.
I'm not angry!
I'm not angry.I'm fine.
I love it!
I love that you cameto my house,
and you broke up with mein my space.
And I'm gonna think about thatevery time I'm here.
That's great.That is so perfect for me.
[crying]It's the best thingthat's ever happened to me.
Where else wasI supposed to do it?
'Cause you won't cometo my house.
Oh, here he is.The puppet master is back.
But I'm not--No, I'm not the puppet master.
Why are youdoing this to me?
It's true.You won't come to my house.
You said my apartmentlooks like two rats
just shit in itevery fucking day.
Oh, right,like, thank you for that.
I'm a bitch.Thank you.
I didn't call--no, I didn't say "bitch."
- I didn't--- Which is it?
Am I evil,or am I a bitch?
No, no, you'renot evil, Meegan.
Well, then whyare you punishing me?
I'm not punishing you.I'm not--
You broke up with me,
and I'm not supposedto feel punished.
- Who thinks like that?- [shouting]
I don't know!I'm sorry.
I'm sorry,okay, Meegan?
I guess I didn't thinkit through.
Well, it's, like,too late now.
- I mean, we're done.- No, it's not too late.
Meegan, Meegan,seriously, I just--
I-I-I had a feelingthat I thought was true,
and clearly--clearly it wasn't true.
Like, I'm so confused.
Like, are youbreaking up with me,
or are you notbreaking up with me?
Meegan, I'm notbreaking up with you!
Okay, cool. So what do you wantto do tonight?
Like, I want to hang outwith Amy and Brad,
but maybe before that,we can go to Angela's.
What just happened?
[smooth jazz music]
Welcome backto The Morty Jebsen Show.
I'm Morty Jebsen.
We're here todaycontinuing our conversation
with unbelievablemega superstar
Now, Young Bidness,I got to tell you,
we've beentiptoeing around
a particular subjectall day,
and I think it's timeto broach it.
You've separated recentlywith your actress girlfriend,
- No, Mort, Mort.- And everybody wants to know--
We ain't gonna talkabout that.
I'm not hereto talk about that.
I just want to hearyour side of the story.
You don't want to hear--I told y'all motherfuckers
we weren't gonna talkabout that, Mort.
I'm trying to talkabout the music.
And lots of people understandthat you're talking
about your ownpersonal experiences.
Your fanswould like to know--
How many timesI need--
Why--what--The fans don't want to know.
That's--You want to know!
- I just want to clarify--- You want to know.
You ain't want to clari--You want clarification?
I want to hear your sideof the story.
I'll tell youmy side of the story.
Interview's over.How about that?
- Please, Young Bidness.- Done.
There's no needfor the interview to be over.
Young Bidness, there's no needfor the language or any of this.
All y'all--I told y'all motherfuckers
I wasn't gonna talkabout that.
Do you want to talkabout the album?
'Cause I'd be more than happyto talk about the album.
- This is the C-Word.- Mort.
It looks like it's wellon its way to going platinum.
Fuck--Get the fuckaway from me, nigga.
Well on its wayto going platinum.
We can talkabout this.
This shitis tucked in here.
It's fine with me.
You want to talkabout the album?
We can talkabout the album.
How about Tanks of Truth?
Tanks of Truth--is that a treatise
on the conflictwith ISIS?
I mean, what--talk to me about this.
Young Bidness, please,I'm begging you.
Just sit down,take a deep breath,
and let's discuss.
- No.- Let's discuss the album.
It's done, Mort.It's done.
You brought thison yourself, Mort.
- Young Bidness--- You brought it on yourself.
Young Bidness,Young Bidness,
I would really love itif you had a seat,
and we could justtalk together
about anything--anything you want.
We don't--I won't mentionTina's name again.
How the fuck--
How does--where does it go to?
Louis, help him.
No, get the fuck--get the fuck off me, Louis.
Leave it be.
You're exacerbatingthe situation.
(Young Bidness)This shitattached to?
- It's probably--- It's just a lot of slack.
The cord is blending inwith the color of the carpet.
- So what--what--- Okay, I just think that--
Young Bidness, why don'tyou drop the mic cable
and have a seat?
This is what we used to callback in the Army a FUBAR.
Let me just--okay,let me just tell you--
No, get--don't get involved.
We have to get youout of here.
Amy, please,can we just get--
Listen--Here, If you let go of it...
Let me get in there.
Don't get in it.Don't--See?
I'm tryingto get around--
Don't stepon my jacket!
$1,500 jacket, bitch.
Why do we have black cordsand a black carpet?
All right, well,you motherfuckers--
I told y'all I wasn't gonna--Louis, I swear to fucking God!
We're gonnatake care of it.
Just stay put.
Now you got--
Now I seemed to have gottenmyself tangled in it.
Get off me, man.
Now it's just me.
Can I--may I help you?
Don't touch the jacket.
Look, okay, here's--
- Raise you knee.- There's one end right here.
- You got to get--Now--- Hold on. I got bursitis.
You know what?Here.
Here's whatwe're gonna do.
Have a seat here.Put your fanny right here.
- Don't say "fanny."- There.
- There you go.- All right.
How you--You do it--What, you do this--
You ain't takingthe pants off.
Nicole, God damn it.Where is Jerry?
This is some shitright here.
Same sound guyfor 27 years,
and he vanishesinto thin air.
All right,all right, no.
Nicole,for God's sake.
All right,Louis, Louis.
Don't do anythingbut hold that.
Okay, no, no.You got to put--
No, nigga,you got to take--
No, you can't takethe pants off over the shoes!
You can't takethe pants off over the shoes!
Louis, Louis,get your white ass
out the motherfucker.
You ain'thelping nobody.
- All right, all right.- I'm taking the shoes off.
Okay, left one first.All right, well...
do whatever the fuck you want,then, nigga, fine.
Thank you.One, two...
I told y'all I wasn'tgonna talk about that shit!
We'll be right backwith Alec Baldwin.
There you go.
Oh, excuse me, sir.
Are yousitting in 26G?
Have I donesomething wrong?
No, no, no, no,we just wanted to ask
if you would mindswitching seats
so that a mother and a childcould sit together.
But I'm back there.
Right, yeah, but you'dactually be sitting here...
[gentle harp flourish]
Which isin Economy Plus.
It's actuallyan upgrade.
Upgrade, you say.
Don't mindif I do.
Carry onyourself, Alex.
Mm, for the discerningpassenger.
We're notin Kansas anymore, Toto.
(man over PA)Ladies and gentlemen,this is your captain speaking.
We should be leaving Topekain the next ten minutes.
I stand corrected.
Looks like we're gonna havea smooth flight.
Trust me,I know the captain,
and he is, uh,one smooth guy.
- [scoffs]- [chuckles]
Of coursehe knows the captain.
He is the captain.
Move over,Colin Mochrie.
There's a new facein the biz.
His name is Captain.
Have to be in Economy Plusto get it, I guess.
Extra foot room.
One inch at least.
Sky Shoppe magazine.
Don't mind if I do.
Oh, dog-earedfor my convenience.
Lord of the Rings cups.
Lord of the Rings tables.
Oh!Holy shiatsu massage!
It hurts a little,but--but I like it.
And I thoughtI had an upgrade.