Tom Kenny & Bob Nickman

  • Season 1, Ep 0157
  • 02/24/1992

SOMEHOW I REALLY FELTLIKE THAT WAS GENUINE

FOR THE FIRST TIME INALL THE NIGHTS I'VE BEEN HERE.

THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL, THANK YOU.

IT'S A NICE MIX TONIGHT.

THAT'S GREAT.

IT'S A HOUSE MIX.

( laughter )

SO WE'RE GOING TO KEEP ONSPINNING ALL NIGHT--

AND SPITTING!

YOU KNOW HOW COMICS SPIT A LOT,OR RABBIS.

IN MY BAS MITZVAH

THE RABBI WAS DOINGTHE BENEDICTION, BLESSING ME

WHICH, OF COURSE, I LOVED.

I WANTED MORE OF IT.

HE WAS THIS FAR FROM MY FACE

AND HE WAS SPITTINGIT OUT AT ME.

I WAS LIKE,"OOH, GOD, THIS IS SO GROSS."

I WAS LIKE... I WAS 13AND ALL SELF-CONSCIOUS

AND HE WAS LIKE SPITTING AT ME,I WAS LIKE, "OOH."

I LOVED MY BAS MITZVAH THOUGH

BECAUSE IT WASLIKE A BIG PERFORMANCE.

IT WAS A SPECIAL NIGHT--TURNED OUT IT WAS PURIM.

IT'S LIKE THEORIGINAL DRAG QUEEN'S HOLIDAY.

IT'S, LIKE, WHEN ALL THEJEWISH MEN JUST LIKE GO FOR IT

YOU KNOW...

( laughs )

AND FEEL NO GUILT FOR A CHANGE.

SO I'M SITTING...I'M SO EXCITED.

I WALK OUT ANDIT WAS A FULL HOUSE.

IT WAS A PACKED HOUSE.

I REALLY HAMMED IT UP.

I DRAGGED OUTTHE WHOLE HAFTORAH

AND THE BLESSING ON THE CANDLES.

OH, BUT HONEY, I WORKED IT.

( laughter )

IT WAS THE LONGEST BAS MITZVAHTHEY'D EVER SAT THROUGH.

OF COURSE, I WENT TO ISRAEL

AND I WORKED ON A KIBBUTZRIGHT AFTER HIGH SCHOOL.

I REALLY GOT INTO MY JEWISHNESSAND MY HERITAGE AND I STILL AM.

I THINK IT'S REALLY IMPORTANT

THAT WE FEEL PROUD OF OURSELVESIN THIS STINKING DAY AND AGE.

NO, NO, DON'T APPLAUD FOR IT.

I'M NOT LECTURING YOU.

( laughter )

NO AFTERSHOCKS TODAY--ANYTIME THERE ARE NO AFTERSHOCKS

YOU JUST GET OUT OF BED GOING,"WHOO!"

YEAH.

MAN, TERRIFYING.

IT WAS A BIG ONE, WASN'T IT?

I'VE BEENIN ENOUGH OF THESE THINGS

I ALWAYS IGNORETHE TELLTALE SIGNS.

LIKE THE EXPERTS SAY

THAT PETS, ANIMALS ARE TUNED INAND EMPATHETIC

AND THEY PICK UP ON THAT STUFFLONG BEFORE US DOOFY HUMANS DO.

THAT'S TRUE.

I'VE HAD A PARAKEETFOR THREE YEARS.

HE ALWAYS GETS WEIRDBEFORE A QUAKE.

BEFORE THIS LAST ONE, HE WAS INTHE CAR WITH THE MOTOR RUNNING.

( imitates horn honking )

"GET DOWN HERE.

THERE'S A QUAKE COMING."

WAIT A MINUTE.

HE'S THIS BIG.

HOW DID HE GET MY RECORDCOLLECTION DOWN FOUR FLIGHTS?

"JUST GET OUT IN THE CAR!"

VERY LOUD PARAKEET.

I HATE CARS.

I'M MISSINGTHAT MALE TESTOSTERONE CHIP

THAT MAKES MEDIG CARS AND DRIVING.

I'M LACKING THAT CHIP.

I LOOK STUPID DRIVING A CAR

BECAUSE I'M NERVOUS,I HAVE NO ATTENTION SPAN.

IT'S ALWAYS WHENI'M FOOLING WITH THE TAPE DECK

THAT THERE'S THREE BABYCARRIAGES IN THE CROSSWALK.

( screams )

ALWAYS, ALWAYS.

THERE'S ONLY ONE CARI WOULD LOOK COOL DRIVING

AND THE POPE HAS ALREADY GOTTHE DAMN THING.

THAT BUMS ME OUT.

THE PAPAL VEHICLE ISTHE COOLEST EVER.

PROTECTS HIMFROM ASSASSINATION--

THAT'S ALWAYS HANDY.

A TUPPERWARE PHONE BOOTHON WHEELS.

SEALS IN THE HOLINESS,IT'S POPE-ERWARE.

HAVE A POPE-ERWARE PARTYIN YOUR HOME.

( laughter )

IT'D BE GREAT--GO CRUISING IN THAT THING.

"I'M THE POPE OF SANTA MONICA.

HOW ARE YOU?"

( laughter )

ACTUALLY, IF I WAS THE POPE,I WOULD GO THE EXTRA $150

FOR THE HORN THAT PLAYS "KUMBAYA."

HE'S GOT ALL THAT VATICAN GOLD.

THE POPESTER CAN AFFORD IT.

SEE HIM IN THE SHOWROOM.

( honks "Kumbaya" )

"YEAH, THROW IT IN.

I'VE GOT TO HAVE IT."

♪ SOMEONE'S HONKING, LORD,KUMBAYA ♪

♪ SOMEONE'S BEEPING, LORD,KUMBAYA ♪

♪ SOMEONE'STOOT-TOOT-TOOT-TOOTING, LORD ♪

♪ KUMBAYA.

THAT'S THE POPE IN VEGAS,IF HE EVER SOLD OUT.

HERE'S A LITTLE THING CALLEDTHE "HALLELUJAH CHORUS."

ONE, TWO, THREE.

HAVEN'T SEEN THE POPE LATELY.

LAST I HEARD,HE WAS VISITING MEXICO.

MAYBE HE'S STILL THEREHAVING THE TIME OF HIS LIFE.

"I GOT THE WORM! WHOO!"

"I GOT THE WORM!"

"WHOO!"

"YOUR HIGHNESS

WE HAVE TO GET BACKTO THE VATICAN."

"I GOT THE WORM!"

GOT HIS BIG POPE HAT

IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET.

( sings "The Mexican Hat Dance" )

I THINK THE POPEIS A SMART ENOUGH GUY

TO KNOW THAT CAR IS GOOFY.

BET HE'S BEEN TEMPTED TO PUTBUMPER STICKERS ON IT

JUST TO PERK IT UP.

"DON'T LAUGH, IT'S PAID FOR."

WHAT A LAUGH RIOT, EH?

( laughter )

THE POPE MOBILE'S A-ROCKING,DON'T COME A-KNOCKING.

WOW! WHAT A HOT ONE, EH?

I SEE THE POPE DRIVING AROUNDON THE NEWS IN THAT CAR

I ALWAYS EXPECT TO SEE

LOTTERY BALLS BLOWING AROUNDINSIDE THERE WITH HIM.

"THIS WEEK'S WINNING NUMBERS:6-6-6!"

( screams )

ACTUALLY, I SWEAR

I MOVED INTO A NEW APARTMENT

THE DAY THE LOOTINGAND THE RIOTING BEGAN.

YEAH, PERFECT TIMING.

YOU KNOW, I'M CARRYING FURNITURETHROUGH THE STREET.

SO IS EVERYONE ELSE.

I HAD NO IDEA WHAT WAS GOING ON.

"GEE, I GUESS EVERYBODY'S MOVINGTHIS WEEKEND.

MAJOR, MAJOR EXODUS."

MAN.

DUSK TO DAWN CURFEW--WASN'T THAT WEIRD?

BEING A PRISONERIN YOUR OWN APARTMENT.

MY NEW APARTMENT ISON PICO AND LA BREA

THREE, FOUR BLOCKSFROM THE FIRES.

SO THE STUFF THAT I WAS WATCHINGON CNN WAS THE EXACT SAME STUFF

I COULD SEEOUT MY APARTMENT WINDOW.

( screams )

I WAS GETTING CONFUSED.

I'M POINTING THE REMOTEAT THE WINDOW.

( pretends to change channels )

"HEY, MUST BE OUT OF BATTERIES.

"WHERE'S NICKELODEON?

"F TROOP IS ON TONIGHT.

WHAT'S GOING ON?"

( sings theme to F-Troop )

SCARY.

SOME OF THOSE IMAGES FROM CNN

WILL JUST BURNINTO MY HEAD FOREVER.

THE CNN CAMERAS HAPPENEDTO CATCH THIS ONE GUY

COMING OUT OFTHE BURNT-OUT FRONT WINDOW

OF A FURNITURE STORE.

IN HIS HANDS

HE HAS TWO BIG, BRIGHT YELLOWVINYL BEANBAG CHAIRS

AND HE'S JUST RUNNING--RUNNING LIKE THE WIND...

( panting )

WITH THIS GREAT,BEATIFIC SMILE ON HIS FACE.

"I'VE HAD MY EYE ON THOSE THINGSSINCE 1976.

NOW THEY'RE MINE!"

( laughter )

VISITING THEM DAILY.

( imitating Peter Lorre: )"SOMEDAY, MY PETS, THEREWILL BE SOCIAL UPHEAVAL.

"YOU ARE THE FIRST THINGI AM COMING IN AFTER.

I LOVE YELLOW VINYL,HOW IT FEELS ON MY SKIN."

IT WAS SO WEIRD.

HE HAD TWO VINYL BEANBAG CHAIRS.

EVERYBODY ELSE HADTVs AND STEREOS AND VCRs.

THIS GUY WENTFOR DOOR NUMBER THREE:

THE BEANBAG CHAIR.

( imitates buzzer )

THAT'S LIKE GOING ON LET'S MAKE A DEAL.

YOU CHOOSE YOUR CURTAIN

IT OPENSAND IT'S JAY SITTING ON A MULE.

"HE LOST THE GAME.

"SORRY, WE HAVE SOME TURTLE WAX

AND ESKIMO PIES FOR YOUBACKSTAGE, MR. VINYL-CHAIR GUY."

YEAH, VERY SCARY, VERY SCARY.

SHOPPING AROUNDFOR LIFE INSURANCE.

DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT IT.

I'D MUCH RATHER GOTO BASEBALL GAMES

THAN SHOP FOR LIFE INSURANCE.

I LIKE BASEBALL.

IT'S THE ONLY JOBWHERE IT'S PERFECTLY OKAY

TO SCRATCH YOUR GROININ FRONT OF PEOPLE.

YOU CAN'T DO THAT AT YOUR JOB.

HI, BILL JOHNSON, PRUDENTIAL.

I'D LIKE TO TALK TO YOUABOUT DOUBLE-INDEMNITY.

SUDDEN ACCIDENTS DO OCCUR

AND YOU WANTYOUR FAMILY TO BE PROVIDED FOR.

EVERYBODY SAYS,"IT WON'T HAPPEN TO ME."

BUT IT DOES HAPPEN.

THAT'S WHEREPRUDENTIAL COMES IN.

NO NEED TO SIGN ANYTHING,JUST A HANDSHAKE WILL DO IT.

25 YEARS IN THE BUSINESS,FOR GOD'S SAKE.

HONEST TOM KENNY.

SO THANK YOU.

THAT'S KIND OF A FUN BIT TO DO.

I FEEL LIKE I'M ON STUDS.

( laughter )

OR ANYTHING ONTHE FOX NETWORK, OKAY.

VERY STRANGE.

I'M GOING TO GOFOR THE METROPOLITAN LIFE.

HAVE YOU SEEN THOSE ADS?

CHARLIE BROWN AND SNOOPYPIMPING LIFE INSURANCE.

THEY GOT THE PEANUTSIN LIFE-INSURANCE ADS.

LIKE THAT WILL CHANGEANYONE'S MIND.

LIKE MY DAD WILL WATCHTHEM GOING

"PIGPEN SAYSIT'S VERY GOOD COVERAGE."

( singing Peanuts' theme )

PIGPEN WOULD NOT LIE

ABOUT SOMETHING AS IMPORTANTAS LIFE INSURANCE.

TELL ME ABOUT YOURMETROPOLITAN LIFE INSURANCE.

( imitating adult voice from Peanuts )

UH-HUH, WELL, GOOD GRIEF,THAT SOUNDS KIND OF HIGH.

MAYBE I'M PARANOID: I'M AFRAID

I'LL BE KICKING A FOOTBALL,SOME GIRL WILL TAKE IT AWAY

AND I'LL SPEND MY LIFEIN A BODY CAST.

REMEMBER THAT IN THOSE CHARLIE BROWN HOLIDAY SPECIALS?

CHARLIE BROWN'S TEACHERSALWAYS... THEY HAD THAT VOICE.

NONE OF MY TEACHER'S SOUNDEDLIKE THE MUTED TRUMPETS

ON OLD FATS WALLER 78s,YOU KNOW.

IT'S A LAWOF THE CARTOON UNIVERSE.

IT'S BEEN IN PLACE SO LONGWE DON'T QUESTION IT ANYMORE.

OUR STATUTE OF LIMITATIONSON QUESTIONING HAS RUN OUT.

LIKE 10,000 YEARS AGOIN CARTOONLAND

SOME OLD GRIZZLED GUY

WITH A WHITE BEARD ANDTWO CRACKED STONE TABLETS

CAME DOWNOFF A CARTOON MOUNTAIN

AND GATHERED THE CHARACTERS.

"THESE ARE THE LAWSOF THE CARTOON UNIVERSE

"TO BE ADHERED TO BY ALL:

"ONE-- ALL OWLS MUST WEARGRADUATION CAPS AT ALL TIMES.

THESE ARE THE LAWSOF THE CARTOON UNIVERSE!"

"YES, WE OBEY YOU."

"IF YOU PUNCH AN ALLIGATOR HARD

"IT WILL COME DOWNAS THREE SUITCASES.

"THESE ARE THE LAWSOF THE CARTOON UNIVERSE!

"IF YOU SNEAK UP ON SOMEONESURREPTITIOUSLY

YOU WILL HEAR THE SOUNDOF PIZZICAT VIOLIN STRINGS."

( imitating pizzicato violin strings )

"THESE ARE THE LAWSOF THE CARTOON UNIVERSE."

COULD FEEL THE WOMEN JUSTDRESSING ME WITH THEIR EYES.

( laughter )

"YOU KNOW, MARSHA, I'D LOVETO SEE HIM IN A SNOWMOBILE SUIT

AND A WELDER'S MASK."

PEOPLE JUST DON'T EVEN REALIZEHOW COOL I REALLY AM.

HEY, I'M THE COOLEST GUYHERE TONIGHT.

I MIGHT EVEN BE THE COOLESTCHICK HERE FOR THAT MATTER.

THAT'S WHAT I AM,I'M A COOL MAN-WOMAN.

NO ONE ELSE CAN SAY THAT.

NO ONE ELSE WANTS TO.

I'M SAYING IT BECAUSEI'M MORE THAN THAT: I'M HOT.

( makes sizzling noise )

HOT-COOL MAN-WOMAN.

ALL THINGS TO ALL PEOPLE.

ALL THE BASES ARE COVEREDRIGHT HERE

BECAUSE I FIT INTO ANY SITUATION

BECAUSE I MOLDTO THE PEOPLE I'M WITH.

THAT'S WHAT I AM: A MALLEABLE,SPINELESS LITTLE WORM.

AND I'M SURE OF THAT ONE,CONFIDENT.

SPINELESS, HOT-COOL MAN-WOMAN.

I AM MOTHER TERESAAND DONALD TRUMP.

I'M THE PREAMBLETO THE CONSTITUTION

AND A VIBRATOR ADIN THE BACK OF HUSTLER.

I HAVE HAIR, YET I'M BALD.

( laughter )

I DON'T EVEN KNOWWHAT I'M SAYING ANYMORE.

YET IT MAKES SENSE TO ME.

THAT'S WHAT I LOVE ABOUT IT.

YET IT BUMS ME OUTAT THE SAME TIME.

OKAY, THIS BIT'S OVER NOW

YET I MUST GO ON.

( applause )

INTO THE FUTURE,BECAUSE I'M A VISIONARY

YET I CAN'T SEE.

I'M A BLIND VISIONARYWHO LIVES IN THE FUTURE

AND CAN PREDICT THE PAST.

THAT'S RIGHT,I'M TOTALLY UNIQUE

YET I'M THE ROLE MODELFOR ALL STEREOTYPES.

( laughter )

I REMIND MYSELFOF SOMEONE I ALMOST MET

AT A PARTY THAT I NEVER WENT TO.

I HAVE MIXED FEELINGSABOUT AMBIVALENCE.

SOMEHOW I'VE ALWAYS KNOWNTHAT I WOULD NEVER BE PSYCHIC.

( laughter )

YOU LAUGH, YET IT'S NOT FUNNY.

( laughter and applause )

I CAN DOA WHEELIE ON A UNICYCLE.

( laughter )

I'VE NEVER BEEN INTO DENIAL

BUT IF I WAS,I WOULD NEVER ADMIT IT.

WHEN I HAVE TROUBLEWRITING FICTION

I JUST MAKE STUFF UP.

I'M THE TORTOISE AND THE HARE.

I'M A HAIRY TORTOISE.

I LOVE THE PEOPLETHAT HATE TO LOVE ME

AND HATE THE PEOPLETHAT LOVE TO HATE ME

BUT I LOVE MYSELF.

YOU'VE GOT TO LOVE YOURSELF

NOT EGOTISTICALLYBECAUSE TOO MUCH SELF-LOVE

MAKES YOU JEALOUSOF THE PEOPLE THAT ENVY YOU.

( laughter )

DON'T EVEN TRY TO FIGURE IT OUT.

JUST RELAX.

THAT ENVY CAN BE A PROBLEM--NOT FOR ME.

THE BIGGEST AGENT IN HOLLYWOODAPPROACHED ME LAST WEEK.

A SERIES OF DISAPPOINTMENTS.

TOUGH TOWN--REALLY COMPETITIVE.

IT'LL MESS YOU UP.

I WOUND UP HAVING TO JOIN A.A.

I DON'T EVEN DRINK.

JUST NEEDED THE STAGE TIME.

SO I DON'T HAVEA GIRLFRIEND RIGHT NOW.

KIND OF SAVING UP MONEY

SO I CAN GETA REAL GOOD ONE THIS TIME.

MET MY LAST GIRL FRIENDTHROUGH THE PERSONAL ADS

BUT THEN EVERY TIMEI'D PICK UP A NEWSPAPER

SHE THOUGHTI WAS GOING TO CHEAT ON HER.

IF SOMEBODY CHEATS ON YOU,THEY SHOULD PAY YOU

FOR THE TIMEYOU SPENT WITH THEM

THE MONEY YOU SPENT ON THEM

AND START-UP FEESFOR YOUR NEXT RELATIONSHIP.

DID YOU EVER GO OUTWITH SOMEBODY THAT CHEATS

YOU BREAK UP,THEN YOU SEE THEM LATER.

YOU SAY, "WHAT DO YOU SAY?

LET'S GO FOR IT."

"I CAN'T--I HAVE A BOYFRIEND NOW."

"YOU CHEATED ON ME."

"I DON'T DO THAT ANYMORE."

"IT'S A HELL OF A TIMETO QUIT WHEN YOU OWE ME ONE."

CAUGHT MY LAST GIRL FRIENDCHEATING ON ME IN SIZZLER'S.

SHE WAS LAYING IN THEALL-YOU-CAN-EAT SALAD BAR.

( laughter and some groans )

IT'S CABLE:JUST LAUGH AT IT.

IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL.

YOU STILL HAVEYOUR JOBS AND HOMES.

EVERYTHING'S OKAY.

THEY'RE JUST WORDS.

NOT THAT I CARE, FOLKS.

LOOK, I'M SHORT, BALD, WITHTHICK GLASSES AND A SMALL PENIS.

I GOT NOTHING TO LOSE HERE.

( laughter )

JUST KIDDING.

( louder laughter )

UNDERNEATH THESE PANTS,TWO-AND-A-QUARTER INCHES.

THAT EXTRA QUARTER KEPT MEOUT OF THE POLICE ACADEMY.

( laughter and groaning

OF COURSE, SIZE ISN'TEVERYTHING, RIGHT, LADIES?

( silence )

FINE-- I USED TO THINK OTHERTHINGS WERE MORE IMPORTANT

LIKE WHAT'S IN YOUR HEARTAND YOUR MIND.

YOU EVER HEARD THE EXPRESSION

"HE'S HUNGLIKE ALBERT EINSTEIN"?

NO, AND YOU WON'T.

WELL, I LEARNED THAT SIZE LESSONREAL YOUNG WHEN I WAS 13.

MY FIRST GIRL FRIEND DUMPED ME

LEFT ME FOR A GUYWITH A BIGGER FINGER.

( groans and laughter )

YEAH, THAT'S THE OTHER ONEI WAS WORRIED ABOUT

BUT IT'S OUT NOW.

I'M NOT GOING TO LOSEANY SLEEP OVER THIS.

LAST NIGHT, I WENT TO SLEEP.

I DREAMT THAT I HAD INSOMNIA.

WOKE UP THIS MORNINGCOMPLETELY EXHAUSTED

YET A LITTLE TOO WELL RESTEDTO GO BACK TO SLEEP.

I RECENTLY GOT IN AN ACCIDENT

SPEEDING TOMY STRESS-MANAGEMENT CLASS.

( light laughter )

A FRIEND OF MINE TOOK

STRESS MANAGEMENT ANDASSERTIVENESS TRAINING

ON THE SAME DAY.

HIS HEAD JUST EXPLODED.

IT'S KIND OF LIKE PUTTINGCARBON PAPER IN A XEROX MACHINE.

( laughter )

I'M SORRY, I JUST...

I WAS JUST DAYDREAMINGABOUT MY INABILITY TO FANTASIZE.

( laughter )

I BELIEVE THATALL EXTREMISTS SHOULD BE SHOT.

I GOT A COUSIN WHO'S A PSYCHOTICWITH LOW SELF-ESTEEM.

HE ONLY WANTS TO ASSASSINATETHE VICE-PRESIDENT.

BOUGHT AN AUTOGRAPHED COPYOF THE BIBLE.

WANTED TO BUYA BOOK ON CODEPENDANCE

BUT I COULDN'T FIND ANYBODYTO GO WITH ME.

YOU GETTING ANYOF THIS STUFF, MAN

OR YOU JUST...?

( laughter )

WHAT IF I WERE TO ASKA HYPOTHETICAL QUESTION?

( laughter )

SO YOU GUYS KNOW WHATA RHETORICAL QUESTION IS, RIGHT?

( laughter )

MY PLANS TO BE SPONTANEOUSFELL THROUGH AT THE LAST SECOND.

ALL RIGHT, THIS ONE ISGUARANTEED FOR A BIG LAUGH.

PUT STROBE HEADLIGHTS IN MY CARTO MAKE THE DEER RUN SLOWER.

( laughter )

HERE'S A LITTLE ADVICE:

IF YOU'RE IN A RELATIONSHIP,DON'T BE TOO POSSESSIVE.

RELATIONSHIPS ARE LIKE SAND.

DID YOU EVER PICK UP SAND?

THE HARDER YOU TRYTO HOLD ONTO IT

THE FASTER IT SLIPSTHROUGH YOUR FINGERS

BUT IF YOU HOLD YOUR HANDLOOSE AND OPEN

THEN PEOPLE CAN COMEAND TAKE IT FROM YOU.

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