The One with the Wedding Stories

  • Season 1, Ep 7
  • 09/11/2014

Hosts Jonah Ray and Kumail Nanjiani help the audience find love with performances by Maria Bamford, Gabe Liedman and Jenny Slate, Michael Ian Black and Reggie Watts.

Is anyone, uh, is anyonethinking of suicide?

Don't do it, don't do it.Don't do it.

No, people will be so madat you, if you do that.

They'll be so mad at you.

No, it's not the seasonfor it, late fall.

If you ever start havinga lot of repetitively shitideas like...

oh, I want to kill myself,or somebody else.

Uh, remember that all of ushave had a lot of repetitivelyshit ideas...

that we haven't necessarilyfollowed through on.

Uh, I've often thought it wouldbe a great idea to buy day-oldraisin bread...

in bulk and then freeze it.

I'm not about to gothrough with that.

I've also thought many times itwould be a great idea to go onvacation with my family.

They are my mortal enemies.I will fight them to thevery last!

Honey, we're just going campingin Michigan with your cousins.

I will not be dashed upon therocks by your siren song!

Anyways, if you ever startthinking, "Oh, but I'm a wasteof space. I'm a burden."

Remember that also describesthe Grand Canyon.

Oh, oh, but I owe people a lotof money and everybody hates me.

Hello, Europe.

Oh, oh, but I've done someother horrible and unspeakable,unforgivable things.

Google it!

Somebody has done exactly whatyou have done or worse...

has gotten past it and iscurrently on a book tour.

You're never alone!

I don't know if you'veever heard that...

but we made up that poem.

We're in a band, I can't saywhat it's called, but we wearlike robot heads.

I don't know,maybe I'm saying too much.

Can you guys cut that out?

It's like, I don't want to saywhat it is, but we're like,"We're up all night to get--"

I don't know, like--

[GABE]Don't say it.No, I won't.

I brought something tonight thatI want to share...

because I feel like we'reon TV and this is my chance.

Absolutely.

After tonight,I'm gonna go to bed forever--

Oh, no, you don'thave to do that.

This is a screenplaythat I've written.

That's great, okay.

So, um, yeah, you can unfold it.This is just an inspiration.

What is this?It's an inspiration page.

Okay, so this faces out...And just a little back story.

to inspire you guys.

It's about two young Jewsnamed Gabe and Jenny...Mm-hm. Ooh.

who meet at college, and fallin love forever and arein love forever.

So, it's sci-fi.It's uh--

So, you could readthe part of Gabe Ledman.Okay.

And also do the stagedirection...Okay.

because I'm notoff book for those.Okay.

Exterior, Jenny's house, day...

Gabe walks up to the front doorand rings the doorbell.

Ding dong. Jenny doesn'thear the doorbell...

because she's practicing hercello and it sounds perfect.

Gabe waits patiently for a fewseconds, then rings the bellagain. Ding-dong.

Yah yah yah yoyah yah yo yah.

This time she misses it,because she's vocalizing...

and that weirdly soundsmore perfect.

Gabe rings the bell twice,ding-dong, ding-dong.

Jenny throws away her cello,because she has a millioncellos!

Oh, Gabe, hi.Hi, Jenny, hey.

Sorry, I know I'm a little bitearly to pick you up for ourshow tonight at Meltdown. Ooh.

There's something I reallyneed to tell you.Can I please come in?

Gabe, I hope that's a joke,because all of my friends knowthat I listen to them...

every time they talk to me, andI don't just zone out, becausemy brain is ruined by drugs.

Come on into my home.

Gabe enters the house,taking off his shirt. Ooh.

Maybe I'll keep my shirt on justfor the read, but--

What I have to say is reallyimportant, so maybe you shouldsit down for this.

Mm, I'm not sure where to sit.

Well, maybe you could siton that $1,500 ottoman.

Or maybe that $3,000 loveseat.

I don't know, all your furniturelooks really comfy.

That's true. All of my furnitureis not from the trashin Brooklyn.

There's no bugs in it, or it'salso not from my Nana's house.It's from a store.

Good, yeah, that's great.Okay.

I am so fuckingin love with you.

Yes. Yes, you are.

That it is fucking retarded.

Yes, it's real. This ishappening to me right now.

Jenny Sarah Slate, I need youmore than I need air.

Gabe, you need air!

Wow, now that's acting.

Thank you. Thank you.

Jenny, you know how theMona Lisa is a little bit ugly?

I do.You're not.

What?

Gabe, I-- I'm a little confused.

If I could be candid, frankly,honestly, I thought that youwere gay.

( BOTH LAUGHING )

( BOTH CONTINUE LAUGHING )

Oh, Jenny, don't you knowI'm only pretending to be gayto advance my own career?

Are you sure you want to saythat in a screenplay?

I can say whatever I want tosay and anything, it's calledthe Patriot Act.

That's not whatthe Patriot Act is.

Nobody knows what it is!

Gabe clears the dining roomtable with one swipe of hishumongous arm.

Picks Jenny up by her assholelike she's a bowling ball.

Ouchy.

That would hurt, right?

That actually only helps.

Wow, I don't know you at all.

I know me very good.

Gabe lights a big expensivecandle and dribbles the wax...

all over her perfect,little titties.

Then he goes to work,eating her pussy...

like a maniac,wanting nothing for himself.

We see out the window, the sunsets, and the moon comes up.

Finally, Gabe comes up for air,and is like...

"Just kidding,"then gets back to work.

He flips her over and theydo anal for a historicamount of time.

Finally, having built up thenerve, Gabe goes in for a kiss?

I feel like the pagesare out of order, Jen.

I feel like the pages arein exactly the right order,actually.

Gabe unfurls his three-foot longtongue and they French, sloppy,crazy-style.

Finally, falling to the floorin a heap of Jewish cum.

Jesus Christ,what is this rated?

It's rated good.Yeah, it is.

Gabe, now that you have Frenchkissed me in such a way...

you are my Jewish husband, amen.

Amen, and so it is written.Amen, and so it is written.

Thank you.

When Kumail and Jonah asked meto do this, I was like...

"Yeah, absolutely, like, I can'twait to do your show."

And then I realized very quicklylike, oh, I don't haveany material...

um, that I could do for theshow. I mean, I have material...

but I don't have like materialthat I wanted to like burn...

on some like shit showon Comedy Central.

So, I decided to askTwitter what I should do.

And so, the first suggestioncame from @therealonmoses,the real on Moses.

And he said, "Come out in awhite suit, with an arrowthrough your head.

"Be on coke, if possible."

I assume he meant cocaine,and I did that, and it's great.

I did like 50 bumps of cocaineright before I came out.

I'm really enjoying myself.

@verkommen wrote, "Marry me."

And I was like, I don't thinkso, because I don't know whothis person is...

and also,I'm married already.

But I'm also a man of my word.

But first things first,I brought my wife Jen here,so she's here.

So, Jen, come on out.

Jen and I have been married15 years, we have two kids,Apple and Maddox.

I'm not a performer,so I'm nervous.

Oh, yeah, use that, just talkinto the microphone.

Oh, I'm not a performer,so I'm nervous.

This is what you do every night?

Yeah, it's a real rush,isn't it?

Yeah.

Obviously, you know,I told you about this...

and that I'm gonnahave to like let you go.

Yeah, no, you are a manof your word, so--

Right, I divorce thee,I divorce thee, I divorce thee.

So just step over there.

So I haven't met Verkommen.She said she was gonnabe here tonight.

Verkommen, are you here?

Are you Verkommen?

Yeah!

Well, what do you have here?

I mean, this is like me,I feel like I'm your-- likeI'm a pot-smoking frog...

and like, with your help,I could become a pot-smokingprince.

Well, that's very nice.Thank you, Verkommen.

Are you mic'd?I'm-- I'm mic'd.

Okay.I'm mic'd.

I'm mic'd.So, let's talk aboutthe sex tapes.

You guys aren't brothers,are you?

We are brothers.We are.

I mean, we get that so often.

It is, yeah, but onlywhen we're together.

But you know what?He got-- he's more outgo--

The difference ishe's more outgoing.

I am.

Kumail, will you come outand perform the ceremony?

It's kind of weird, becauseshe's still right here.

Do you want to usesome of our vows?

No.

This one's gonna work out.

You want to just whisperstuff to me...

and then I'll just repeatit as part of the--Sure.

I'm psyched that we'regonna get married.

He's psyched that you'regonna get married.

That's it.

Do do do do do do doDo do do do do do do

♪ I like bam-wich conform-ance Tame-wah, oh ♪

♪ So mama fez I'ma make you my only girl ♪

♪ She only survive The kinetic vibe ♪

♪ 'Cause it's a nice new vibe We keep it goin' Oh wait shit ♪

♪ I didn't tell you but I

( SCATTING )

♪ No pussy good but I can tell You about my head yeah ♪

♪ Everybody's got a little bit Of themselves ♪

♪ Can you stick it out And get it in your ghost ho ♪

♪ And if you do it as I like Touch 'em and go ♪

♪ I I I want to take you Little down low low low ♪

♪ That's nice yeah

♪ If you want me To stay together ♪

♪ Tell my ma it's cool To stick together ♪

♪ 'Cause it's a good idea To be happening ♪

♪ Being a composite of conscious Structure that you are ♪

♪ And if I don't have enough For all of us ♪

♪ Then I will never have enough For any of us ♪

♪ And if you don't then I would And I thank you ♪

♪ And it's 20 okay yeah Absolutely let's do this ♪

♪ Low low low low low Go low low low low ♪

♪ Go low low low low Go low low low low ♪

♪ Go low low low low Low low low low low ♪

♪ Low low low low low Low low low low low ♪

♪ Low low low low low

Thank you.

Thank you so muchfor coming to the Meltdown!