May 16, 2016 - Paul F. Tompkins

  • 05/16/2016

Donald Trump gets caught impersonating his own publicist, and Larry examines the GOP candidate's degrading treatment of women with Paul F. Tompkins, Mike Yard and Robin Thede.

(whooping) Yes!

Yes! Thank you very much!

Thank you!Man, what a crowd!

Monday! Please have a seat.Please have a seat.

-AUDIENCE: Larry! Larry! Larry!-Thank you. So kind.

-Thank you. Please have a seat.-Larry! Larry! Larry!

Thank you very much.Welcome to The Nightly Show.

You are correct.

I am Larry, Larry, Larry, Larry,Larry, Larry, Larry.

Okay, guys,you know what time it is.

You know what time it is.

Time to see what's happeningwith the Unblackening.

(humming "the Unblackening"music) Oh, sorry.

By the way, on Saturday, the New York Times published something

that really disturbed me.

MAN: The presumptive Republican nominee coming under fire

amid new allegations

of inappropriate behavior with women.

Dozens of women revealing to the New York Times accounts

of, quote, "unwelcomed romantic advances,"

"unending commentary on the female form,"

and "unsettling workplace conduct."

(laughing):Really?

Trump's commentingon women's physiques?

Ever see this guy?He's shaped like a dishwasher.

-(laughter)-Right?

He's got a lot of nerve!

Ugh!

And Trump was quick to speak outagainst the paper.

MAN: A defensive Trump lashing out on Twitter,

slamming the report as a "lame hit piece,"

"dishonest" and "a witch-hunt."

(laughter)

A witch hunt?

Well, to be fair, be fair,

Donald Trump knows a lotabout sexist, outdated searches

for womenwearing pointy headwear.

-(laughter and groaning)-That's true.

He knows a lot about that.

-He does. He does.-(applause)

And, uh, and wait. Hold on.

And Trump's not the only onegoing after the piece.

One of the women quotedby the Times,

I think, Rowanne Brewer Lane,had this to say.

I did not have a negativeexperience with Donald Trump.

The part where I went back outto the pool party,

and he made a comment,

"Now that's a stunningTrump Girl right there,"

um, I was actually flattered by.

I didn't feel likeit was a demeaning situation

or comment at all.

-Mm...-(laughter)

The guy calls you a "Trump Girl"

five minutes after meeting you,and that's not demeaning?

Now, please notethat out of respect,

I wait at least a week

before I start referringto a woman as a "Larry Lady."

-(laughter)-A week.

Seven days.

-(applause and cheering)-Thank you, ma'am.

-Thank you, Larry Lady.-(laughter)

Although, in fairness, the New York Times may be overtrying

to prove something in the piece.

It may not have beenthe most non-agenda driven piece

of journalism.

But the question is,

will a story like thismake a difference

in how people view Trump?

All right, what do you sayRNC chairman

and vital pelvic boneReince Priebus?

All these stories that come out,

and they come outevery couple of weeks--

people just don't care.

(laughter)

-It's true!-(laughter)

His supporters just don't care.

And maybe that's whythey're always asked

to wave their hands in the air.

(laughter and groaning)

And Nazilike you just don't care, right?

-(applause) -Just waveyour hands in the air.

Nazi like you just don't care.

Now, the other day,

we heard about anotherembarrassing Trump story.

MAN: Trump also denying reports that he used to pose

as his own publicist in the '80s and '90s

under the names John Miller or John Barron.

-(laughter and groaning)-Okay.

Think about whatyou just heard, you guys.

That is Republican presidentialfront-runner Donald Trump

impersonating a fictionalpublicist on his own behalf.

(laughter)

Jokes write themselves, baby.

(laughter)

What kind of bizarre-o worldis this, right?!

And Mr. Politically correct--"I just speak my mind"--

he just blatantly liedabout this

because he admittedit was him years ago.

In 1990, under oath,he testified

that he did use the name"John Barron,"

and in 1991,he told People magazine

that he did usethe name "John Miller,"

so this has alreadybeen admitted.

We know, Jake.He's such a (bleep) liar!

-We know! We know!-(laughter)

Plus, we know Trump likesto impersonate people.

He does it all the time.

Did you ever seeCrooked Hillary Clinton?

She walks in.This is how she walks in.

(audience clamoring)

"Good afternoon, Bridgeport.

How are you?"

(laughter and applause)

-"This is CrookedHillary Clinton." -(cheering)

-(laughter)-Wow. Man.

He totally captured the way

Hillary Clinton alwaysintroduces herself

-as "Crooked Hillary Clinton."-(laughter)

You notice that?That was so life-like.

And his imitations aren'tany better when he uses props.

It's Rubio!

(cheers and applause)

Trump has more disregard forwater than a Flint politician.

-(audience groaning)-Oh, too soon? Too soon?

-(applause and cheering)-Oh. Aah. Oh.

Hmm.

But some of Trump's imitationsare just downright offensive.

WOMAN: Trump insists he didn't know

that New York Times reporter Serge Kovaleski

suffers from a physical disability

that limits the movement of his arms.

The poor guy.You got to see this guy.

"Aah, I don't know what I said!Aah, I don't remember!"

-Okay, all right.-(groaning)

All right. I know.

In Trump's defense...

(laughter)

Nope, couldn't thinkof anything. Sorry.

(laughter)

In fact, this last yearfor Donald Trump

has been one extended,lame impression

of a human being who's readyand fit to be president.

That's all it's been.

Now, for more on this,let's talk to the man himself,

-Mr. Donald Trump.-(cheers and applause)

Hi, Donald.

You're welcomefor me being here, Larry.

All of that stupid stuffyou were saying before

that no one was listening toonce again proves

that we are the same.

-(laughter)-Um... uh, hold on.

Wait. How are you and Ithe same? I don't understand.

-Well, we're both tremendouslygifted impressionists. -Um...

I mean,seriously, we're fantastic.

I mean, both of us--we're top-notch.

Thank... you, I guess?

Um, look, but that's what I wantto talk to you about.

-Why were you pretendingto be someone else? -Excuse me.

Excuse me.That's what an impression is.

-I mean, come on.-(laughter)

In fact,what do you say right now

to entertain your audiencewe have an impression-off?

-Um...-They'd like that, right?

-(cheers and applause)-Um...

All right. Okay.All right, fine.

Let's have an impression-off.

Okay, I'll make it easy, okay?Droopy Dog.

-Okay.-You go first.

Droop... All right.I can do that one. Okay.

(as Droopy):Hello, there. I'm Droopy Dog.

(laughter)

(applause and cheering)

And this election makes me mad.

-Uh...-(laughter)

All right, there it is.

-(applause and cheering)-Not bad. Not bad. Not bad.

-Okay, here's mine.-Okay.

(Trump clears his throat)

(sounding like Trump):I'm Droopy Dog.

(laughter)

And have you met Donald Trump?

I mean, he's a fantastic guy.

I mean, very generous.

I mean, he'd never do anyof the bad things

-the New York Times said he did,okay? -Okay.

-(laughter and clapping)-All right. All right.

That's not an impression.

Please don't clap for that.

-(laughter)-Okay? No, no, no.

-Larry, look. Excuse me.-That's just you talking.

You're missing the subtleties,okay? Look...

-What subtleties?-First round, it's a tie, okay?

They're both excellentimpressions, okay?

-Round two, okay?-All right.

And I hearyou do a Lando Calrissian.

-Yeah.-Let's hear it. Go ahead.

Okay. From The Empire Strikes Back. Okay.

-MAN: Yeah.-(laughter)

(as Lando):How you doing, Chewbacca?

Thank you very much. Yeah?Thank you very much.

-(cheers and applause)-Pretty good.

-Not awful. Not awful.-I know.

-Here's mine. Here's mine.-All right.

-Let's hear it.-Hey there.

It's me,the black from Star Wars.

(laughter)

I'm casting my space votefor Donald Trump,

because I hear he has a big,unbelievable, large dong.

-Okay, hold on a second.-(laughter)

"The black from Star Wars"?

These impressions are horrible!

-They're not impressions.-Okay, look, look,

another draw, okay?

You're tough.You're tough, Larry.

You're good.You're good competition, okay?

-We're two peas in a pod. Okay?-We're not two peas in a pod.

Please stop saying that.

-One more impression, okay?-Okay.

-All right.-Here we go. Here... Tiebreaker.

Let's hear your Bill Clinton.

Oh, okay. Bill Clinton.All right. Um, all right.

(like Clinton):I did not have sexual relations

-with that woman.-Ah. No, no.

(cheering, applause)

Thank you.I appreciate it.

(like Clinton):I did not have sexual relations

with that woman. I didn't.

Oh, my God!

-(whooping, applause)-That's actually...

that's actually really good.

(like Clinton):I'll tell you

who I'd like to have relationswith, though, sexually,

is Ivanka Trump.

-Man, oh, man!-(laughter)

I would like to ridethat sex racehorse

right into the winner's circle.

I'll tell you that much.I'd like to put her away wet.

Okay, stop! Stop!I don't want to listen to this.

-Fine, you win! Stop it. Fine.-Excuse me, excuse me.

I know I win.I'm better than you.

-Okay, uh...-Okay? Come on.

I just don't get why Americanskeep following you.

-I don't understand it.-Because I'm like

a delicious boxof Trump steaks, okay?

If you lookat anything but the name,

people think it's delicious.

Doesn't matter that what'sinside tastes like crap.

Okay, I agree with that.Now we agree!

Donald Trump, everybody.We'll be right back.

-Now we agree.-(cheering, applause)

-(cheering, applause)-Thank you very much.

Welcome back.

Now, a lot has changedsince the 1960s.

Back then, all our major warswere in Asia,

uh, Hillary Clinton wasa young high school Republican,

and a New York gay barcalled The Stonewall Inn

was routinely raided by police,solely for being a gay bar.

But on June 28, 1969,the patrons pushed back.

Protests followed,and a movement began.

Well, now this monumentfor gay rights

could become a monumentfor America.

The Stonewall Inn may be headedfor national landmark status.

Elected officials held a public meeting Monday night

to discuss the possibility the president will make it

the first national monument dedicated to gay rights,

along with Christopher Park across the street.

Yeah! Very nice!

-(cheering, applause)-Very good.

That is great newsfor the LGBTQ community,

and if it happens,The Stonewall Inn

will officially replaceMount Rushmore

as the gayest monumentin America.

-(laughter)-Right?

Come on... guys,

you know there's some gay stuffgoing on below the neck,

-is all I'm saying, right?-(laughter)

Really, look at Jeffersonand Washington. Come on.

(laughter)

And obviously,Teddy Roosevelt and Lincoln

are standing tip to tip.I'm just saying.

Just saying.A lot could be happening

inside that mountain,that's all I'm saying.

Now, there's a lot of excitement

about this proposedStonewall monument,

and nobody seems more excitedthan the Richardson family

from Topeka, Kansas.

So welcome to the show Stan,Julia and Stan Jr., you guys.

-Hi, Larry.-Hi, Larry! How are you?

-Great to be here, Larry.-I'm so excited. -Hey, guys!

Uh, oh, my... Wait.

-Are you guys camping?-Oh, we sure are, Larry.

Camping at monuments is whatthe Richard family's all about.

(chuckles)Devil's Tower-- did that one.

Grand Canyon.Sequoia National Park.

-Just fun. Just fun. Love it.-Oh, yeah. We love it.

You know, we wanted to be firstin line at Stonewall Inn.

Uh, okay, uh...

guys, Stonewallisn't a camping spot.

I mean, it's a monumentto people who bravely fought

-for LGBTQ rights.-Larry, do you really think

they know what LGBTQ stands for?

Oh, ho-ho!

Stan Jr., you hush. Of coursewe know what LGBTQ means.

It means Landscapes, Geocaching,Boating, Tents,

and Quality timewith the old family unit.

That's my boy.

So, have you interacted yet

with any localsinside The Stonewall Inn?

Oh, yes, we have. In fact, thisis a very family-oriented place.

You know, everyone herehas been calling me "Daddy."

So that's appropriate.I am the Daddy. I am the Daddy.

And also, there arepark rangers everywhere.

Park rangersdon't wear leather, Mom!

-It's not a thing.-Oh. You would think,

-especially in this heat.Hoo-haw! -It is hot.

Look, guys, uh,I-I don't think camping trips

are what the White Househad in mind

with declaring Stonewall Inna national monument.

-No (bleep), Larry.-Junior! Language, please.

-I'm sorry.-It's cable.

-Larry, Larry, Larry.-Yeah?

Why don't you ask them,uh, what Grindr is?

Oh, please.I know what Grindr is.

It's a TV sitcom with Rob Lowe.

-(laughter)-Uh...

-sadly, it was just cancelled.Fantastic show. -Such a show.

But not appropriatefor someone your age.

A little salty.A little salty in the language.

Oh, man. Uh, that'snot what he's asking about.

Uh, look, guys,this might not be

the most appropriatefamily vacation spot.

-Um...-I'm not gonna lie to ya, Larry.

It seems pretty good to ushere... (talking while chewing)

Uh-oh, don't throwthat garbage, sweetheart.

That's how you attract bears.

(laughter)

Mom, the only thing around here

that's going to attractany bears is Dad.

(laughter)

Well, I am the biggest one.(laughs)

-Big and juicy!I better watch out! -Yeah.

-(mock chomping) -They come upfrom behind you, don't they?

I don't thinkthat's what he meant

-by "bears," sir.-It's not.

Uh... look, uh,this monument represents

the struggle for gay rights.

You know, the Stonewall riotsin 1969?

(chuckles): I don't think we hadgays in the '60s, Larry. Sorry.

-(laughter)-Didn't gays start with Ellen?

-WILMORE: Ellen?-Ooh. I love when she dances.

-Oh, her little blazer.She's adorable. -Yeah, Mom,

that-that's when it started.

Okay, Larry, can you please getme out of here, dude? Please.

Look, I think you guys have yourtimelines a little confused.

Look, do you have any otheractivities planned, or...?

Yes, we're gonna go ridea power bottom. That'll be fun.

-Wait. A what?-(laughter)

Oh, you know,those flat-bottom boats

that you takedown canyon rivers.

-Rrr...-Seriously, Larry,

get me out of here. Please.

Sorry. Can't do that.Make the best out of it, son.

The Richardson family,everyone.

-We'll be right back.-(cheering, applause)

Welcome back.I'm here with my panel.

First up, Nightly Show contributor Mike Yard.

(cheering, applause)

And Nightly Show contributorRobin Thede.

(cheering, applause)

And he'll be bringing hisimprov show, Spontaneanation,

to Largo at the Coronetin West Hollywood

on Saturday, June 4--welcome back

comedian Paul F. Tompkins.

(cheering, applause)

WILMORE (laughs):Very good.

And for everyone at home,join our conversation right now

on Twitter @NightlyShowusing the hashtag #Tonightly.

Okay, so as we mentionedearlier, uh, in the show,

The New York Times did a deep dive

on Trump's treatment of women.

They foundcontradictory examples

of him putting women in power,while also bringing them down

with unwelcome come-ons

and mockingtheir physical appearance.

-So my question is...-(Thede laughs)

why is this not goingto make a difference?

(laughter)

Because nothinghas made a difference yet.

-Not a single thing. Also...-WILMORE: Unbelievable.

did they need to do a deep dive on this subject?

I think a very shallow divewould have been fine.

Everybody could havegone home early.

-The kiddie pool wouldhave sufficed. -Exactly.

THEDE:Just tread a little water.

-You're right there.-For every disgusting thing

-Yeah. -that he says,there's always a ton of people

that are like,"I actually like that.

-"I think that's refreshing.-Yes!

It's refreshing thathe treats women like garbage."

-Yes! What's up with that?!-Yeah. -It's refreshing

-that he gets away with it iswhat I think they like. -Yeah.

-Exactly. -But doeshe really get away with it?

-I mean, we c... we talkabout it every ti... -Yes!

-He's the Republican nominee!-Look, but I'm saying

we-we act like he does his stuffand then people

just let it slide. We... Peopletalk about every little thing

Donald Trump says,and nothing makes a difference.

You know why? Because we expectpeople to... Trump supporters

to think like we do.You think these people care

if you're nice to your wife?They don't give a (bleep).

Yeah.

-Is it... Yeah. -These arehis supporters. -Yeah.

-It is. It just... Oh, I'msorry. -Isn't... It... Yeah.

No, I just thinkit's so cute how, you know,

we just don't value womenas a society. It's so cute!

-And it's no... We just lovethat Trump is this way. -Well...

It's like... It's-it's just likepeople almost find it endearing.

-It's weird. -Yes, I mean,Reince Priebus, uh...

-Bless you. -Now, that name...Yeah, that name...

My brain just triesto scramble it and make anagrams

-just... Yeah. -I know. I triedto make a... -It sounds...

-it sounds like he's Dominican.'Cause what they do -No, I know.

is they take namesand put two names together.

-It sounds like "Reese"and "Prince." Reince. -I know.

-I was trying to makean anagram, too. -Yeah, yeah.

Oh, man. I just hada Reince Priebus, and I just...

and I'm recovering right now.Uh...

I thought it was a Harry Spotter... a Harry Potter spell

-for destroying parties.-Yes.

-Reince Priebus!-So, but you have

the-the head of the Republican,uh, National Committee,

the Republican NationalCommittee Chairman,

-who... he says peopledon't care. -Yeah.

-He says that. -Well, I would...I would say to that

there's probably roughly 51%of the population

that cares about Donald Trump'streatment of women very much,

-and the other 49% are men.Um... -Yeah.

-But I-I think that... -Idon't know if I agree with that.

-Well, I think... -There's a lotof women that support Trump

-in these allegations. -No, but70%. He's got 70% unfavorables

with women. Like, he doesn't...Women do not support him,

-largely. -Yeah, but whatare Hillary's unfavorables?

-Less. In the 50s. -55. -Yeah.So you put them against

-each other, what's that,a net loss of 20? -I don't know.

I'm not good at math, but I feellike that's 128% for Hillary.

-I'm not sure. And...-Yes, exactly.

T-Together, they've lostover 127% of women.

-We have to bring women in.Don't... -We have to add women

-just to fill the hate!-Don't build that wall just yet.

-Don't build that wall just yet.We need women. -Yes.

We need more women to h...So they could hate them, yeah.

-Trump can lie about anything,and no one cares. -Mm-hmm.

He's... He just... I don't knowif he's a good liar,

but he's definitely a convincingliar. Like how he lied

-about being his own publicist.-Yes. Right, right, right.

It's like he's the R. Kellyof politicians.

Like, he's peeing on America,and he's like,

"That's not me on the video."And we're like, "Okay."

-R. Kelly? -That'show it feels to me, guys.

-That lady agreed.-Here's the thing though,

-we keep saying... we keepsaying that nobody cares. -Wow.

I dif... I beg to differ withthat. I think people do care.

I think that there's a lotof people in this country

that care what Donald Trumpsays. We just really focus

on the people thatare supporting him. And to me,

that's not... that's notthe majority of the country.

So he can say whatever he wants.I don't give a (bleep).

-He's not gonna be my president.-But here's the thing though.

Trump does...

He does what I liketo call s-sneaky sexism.

-Like, I feel like he...No, here's what it is. -Yeah.

Like, he promotes womeninto positions of power,

which is a very good thing.He had a woman running

his construction businessor whatever. But then he does

-these other actions,"I gave you that. -Yeah.

-What are you all mad about?"-Yeah. "Get on in there...

get on in there and runmy country with your fat ass."

-Yeah, as...-That's him! That's-that's him!

-He's patting her on the ass.-"Get on in there and run...

-run my company, yousexy mother(bleep)." -Oh, man!

Some people say he gets awaywith it because he's rich.

I don't understand that comment.What does that mean?

Y... Have you ever beenin an argument with someone

where you're talkingabout someone you didn't like,

like a-a person, uh,in the public eye, and you say,

-"I don't like that guy."And then the comeback is, -Okay.

-"He makes more moneythan you do." -Right.

This... Donald Trumpis the living embodiment

of that phrase.People just, like...

As long as he has money,

that somehow meansthat he is correct

-and you should shut up.-It validates him?

Yeah. It's like people...There-There's...

You can't underestimate the-thesegment of-of our population

that-that values thisabove everything else,

that that just means success,that means you're smarter

-than everybody else, and thatmeans you're somehow -Yes, yes.

-a better personthan everyone else. -Right.

It's like when people say,"Well, they're a billionaire

'cause they work hard."Mother(bleep) word hard

-every day, and they're notbillionaires. -Yeah, really.

-Exactly. -Plenty of people...Nurses work hard every day!

-You know? -And that don't meanthey don't matter either.

How 'bout teachers?Teachers can work much harder

than billionaires,and they're never gonna make

a billion dollars, but they'restill working hard, right?

-I mean... -O-Okay.Do you think the press is trying

-to bring him down, do youthink? -No. Not at all. -Why?

Are you kidding me?Fox News is against this dude.

When Fox News is against youand you're a Republican,

-(bleep) got real.-Yeah. -I would...

-Yeah. -I would say...I would say Fox News,

-I feel kind of sad for them.-Yeah.

They're the only onesthat are actively trying

to bring this guy down. Everyoneelse is like, "Oh, good!

-We got more Trump footage!Cut to the plane!" -Yeah.

And Fox is like,"Guys, you got to listen.

-Please, please, it's not good.It's not good." -"Come on!

Come on, MSNBC!Work with me here!"

Yeah, I know. I find myselfgoing, "Come on, Megyn Kelly!

-Get him. Get him."-I know.

All right, we'll be right back.

(cheering and applause)

YARD: If you live in the New York City area or are planning

to visit, grab free tickets to The Nightly Show.