I Said Bitch

  • Season 1, Ep 1
  • 01/31/2012

Jordan and Keegan trade stories about a forbidden word, while President Obama's anger gets translated.

- BECAUSE YOU'RE MY WIFEAND YOU LOVE THE THEATER,

AND, UH,IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY.

GREAT.

UNFORTUNATELY THE ORCHESTRA'SALREADY FILLED UP,

BUT THEY DO HAVE SEATSTHAT ARE STILL LEFT

IN THE DRESS CIRCLE.

SO IF YOU WANT TO, UH, ME TO GETTHEM THEATER TICKETS RIGHT NOW,

I'MA DO IT RIGHT NOW.

- WHAT'S UP, DOG?

I'M ABOUTFIVE MINUTES AWAY.

- YEAH, OKAY.YEAH, COOL.

NO, THEY ALL GOOD SINGERS,THEY ALL GOOD SINGERS.

- YEAH, SON. NAH, MAN,I'M TELLING YOU, MAN,

I'M ABOUTTO CROSS THE STREET, MAN.

- NO, THEY GOT THAT ONE DUDEIN IT THAT YOU LOVE, MAN.

HE GON' BE IN IT, YEAH...

- COME ON, MAN, YOU KNOWI'M ALMOST THERE, ALL RIGHT?

- RIGHT, NO, I'MA PICKYOUR ASS UP AT 6:30, THEN.

- COOL.- COOL.

ALL RIGHT, YEAH, YEAH,YEAH, THE PARKING IS, UH,

THE PARKING'S FREE.

- [effeminate]OH, MY GOD, CHRISTIAN.

I ALMOST TOTALLYJUST GOT MUGGED RIGHT NOW.

[doorbell rings]

- HEY, HEY, HEY, ALL RIGHT.- HEY.

- HI, SWEETIE,THAT'S FOR YOU.

- HEY, TRACE.HOW YOU DOING, GIRL?

- CHECK IT OUT.- OH, MY.

- GIRL, I GOT A SUNKEN TUB.YOU GOT TO SEE IT.

- OH, I GOT TO SEE THIS.- ALL RIGHT.

- YOU TWOHAVE A GOOD TIME NOW.

- HAVE FUN, HAVE FUN.[door closes]

DUDE, I AM SORRYWE'RE LATE, MAN.

- MAN, IT HAPPENS, MAN.

- AND SHE TALK ABOUT HOWWE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE IN THE CAR

AT 6:45,I'M LIKE, "ALL RIGHT."

- UH-OH.

- TELL ME MY DUMB ASSAIN'T SITTING IN THE CAR,

WAITING UNTIL 7:15.

- NUH-UH.

- OKAY, WHEN I TRACK MY WIFEDOWN 20 MINUTES LATER,

SHE'S STEPPING OUTTHE DAMN SHOWER TALKING ABOUT,

"CAN I HELP YOU?"

- SEE, THAT'S CRAZYRIGHT THERE.

- I LOOKED THIS WOMANIN THE EYE, I SAID,

"BITCH, YOU TOLD ME 6:45."

- YOU SAID THAT?

- PSH, YEAH I SAID--

"BITCH."THEN I LAID IT OUT.

- BUT YOU SAID, "BITCH,"THOUGH?

- HMM?

- YOU SAID, "BITCH"?

- YEAH.

- YOU GOT TO SEE THE FIREPLACEDOWNSTAIRS IN THE LIVING ROOM.

- OKAY.

- DON'T PLAY GAMES, MAN.

JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU'REGOING TO TELL ME.

- EXACTLY, IT'S LIKE,SAY WHAT YOU MEAN,

MEAN WHAT YOU SAY.- IS THAT SO HARD?

- IT'S LIKE LAST WEEK, MAN.

WE GOING OUT TO DINNER,RIGHT?

I'M LIKE,"WHERE DO YOU WANT TO GO?"

SHE'S LIKE, "YOU DECIDE."- UH-OH.

- I'M LIKE, "ALL RIGHT,OUTBACK STEAKHOUSE."

SHE LIKE, "NAH."- MM-HMM.

- I'M LIKE,"STRAIGHT UP, CHILI'S."

SHE'S LIKE, "EHH."- NO, NO.

- DARRELL, I NAMEDSEVEN MORE RESTAURANTS.

- NO, CRAIG, NO.

- I FINALLY SAID,"TAYLOR'S," THE PLACE I KNOW

SHE WANTS TO GOIN THE FIRST PLACE.

- RIGHT, RIGHT.

- SHE LOOK AT ME, SHE SAID,

"IF THAT'S WHEREYOU WANT TO GO."

- NO, SHE DIDN'T, CRAIG.

- IF THAT'S WHEREI WANT TO GO.

DARRELL, I LOOKED MY WOMANIN THE EYE SOCKETS.

I TOLD HER STRAIGHT OUT,I JUST SAID IT, MAN, I SAID IT.

I SAID, I SAID, I SAID--

I SAID, "BI..."- HEY, GUYS.

- HEY GIRL, HOW YOU DOING?- OH, HOW YOU DOING?

- YOU HAVING A GOOD TIME?

- YOU SEEN THE BEDROOM?- JUST LOOKING AT THE WOOD.

- THAT WASHING MACHINE IS HUGE.- UP ON THE CEILING HERE.

- YOU GET A WHOLE BUNCH OFCLOTHES IN THAT WASHING MACHINE.

- HEY, BABY, I'M GOING TO TAKEHER BACK UP TO THE KITCHEN

AND SHOW HER THE DISHWASHER.

- DARRELL?- YEAH, BABY?

- I WANT A KITCHEN ISLANDJUST LIKE THE ONE UPSTAIRS.

- YOU GONNA GET IT TOO.

- I LOVE YOU.

- I LOVE YOU.

- I SAID, "BITCH,IF YOU WANTED TO GO TO TAYLOR'S,

JUST TELL A BROTHERYOU WANT TO GO TO TAYLOR'S!"

OKAY?- YOU SAID THAT?

- OH, HELL YEAH, MAN.I LAID IT OUT, RIGHT?

I SAYS--I SAYS--I SAYS--

I SAID, "BITCH,I'M THE MAN OF THE HOUSE."

- YOU SAID, "BITCH," THOUGH?

- HMM?

- YOU CALLEDYOUR WIFE A BITCH?

- UH-HUH, YEAH.

- CRAIG.- DARRELL.

- WHERE ARE THOSE GUYS?

- I DON'T KNOW.LET'S GO...

- SO SHE'S LIKE,"WHY DON'T YOU RENT A MOVIE

WE BOTH LIKE?"- NO, SHE DIDN'T.

- AFTER I SPENT 25 MINUTESIN THE GODDAMN BLOCKBUSTER.

CRAIG, I LOOKED THIS WOMANIN HER OPTIC STEMS AND I SAYS--

I SAID--

I SAYS, "BITCH."

- YOU SAID THAT?

- AIN'T NOTHINGBUT A THING.

- BUT YOU SAID, "BITCH,"THOUGH?

- YEP.- SEE...

[phone rings]

- OH, SH--

HEY, HONEY, CRAIG'S JUSTGIVING ME THE NEIGHBORHOOD TOUR.

- SO THEN SHE'S LIKE,"I DIDN'T KNOW WE'D BE DOING

SO MUCH WALKING."- NUH-UH.

- I'M LIKE, "I DIDN'T TELL YOUTO WEAR THOSE SHOES."

SHE SAID, "DON'T RAISEYOUR VOICE AT ME."

- WHAT?

- DARRELL, I LOOKED THIS WOMANDEAD IN THE WINDOWS OF HER SOUL.

- MM-HMM.- I SAID--

I SAID...

[door opens, air hisses]

I SAID, "BITCH."

- WHAT CAN I SAYABOUT ANCESTRY.COM?

MY ADVENTURE BEGANWHEN I RECEIVED A LEAF

POINTING ME IN THE DIRECTIONOF MY GREAT GRANDFATHER,

WHO WAS A PILOT WITHTHE FLYING ACES IN WORLD WAR I.

- ON MY MOTHER'S SIDE,I FOUND AN AUNT WHO TRACED

HER LINEAGE ALL THE WAYBACK TO THOMAS JEFFERSON.

- I WAS ABLE TO TRACEMY BLOODLINE BACK TO NOBLES

AND EVEN A KING.

- I DISCOVERED I'M A DIRECTDESCENDENT OF ERIK THE RED.

- AFTER ONLY A COUPLE OF HOURSON ANCESTRY.COM,

I WAS ABLE TO TRACEMY FAMILY LINE

ALL THE WAY BACK TO NONE OTHERTHAN OUR THIRD PRESIDENT,

THOMAS JEFFERSON.

- MARIE ANTOINETTE.

- THOMAS JEFFERSON.

- ARISTOTLE.

- THOMAS JEFFERSON.

- ALEXANDER THE GREAT.

- THOMAS MOTHER[bleep]INGJEFFERSON.

- JOIN ANCESTRY.COM AND BEGINA ONE OF A KIND JOURNEY

INTO YOUR UNIQUE PAST.

BECAUSE YOU NEVER KNOWWHERE YOUR STORY BEGINS.

- THOMAS JEFFERSON.

- GOOD EVENING,MY FELLOW AMERICANS.

NOW, BEFORE I BEGIN,I JUST WANT TO SAY

THAT I KNOW A LOT OF PEOPLEOUT THERE SEEM TO THINK

THAT I DON'T GET ANGRY.

WELL,THAT'S JUST NOT TRUE.

I GET ANGRY A LOT.

IT'S JUST THAT THE WAYI EXPRESS PASSION

IS DIFFERENT FROM MOST.

SO JUST SO THERE'SNO MORE CONFUSION,

WE'VE HIRED LUTHER HERETO BE MY ANGER TRANSLATOR.

LUTHER?

- HI.

- FIRST OFF, CONCERNINGTHE RECENT DEVELOPMENTS

IN THE MIDDLE-EASTERN REGION,I JUST WANT TO REITERATE

OUR UNFLINCHING SUPPORTFOR ALL PEOPLE

AND THEIR RIGHTTO A DEMOCRATIC PROCESS.

- HEY, ALL Y'ALL DICTATORSOUT THERE,

KEEP MESSING AROUNDAND SEE WHAT HAPPENS.

JUST SEE WHAT HAPPENS.WATCH.

- ALSO, TO THE GOVERNMENTSOF IRAN AND NORTH KOREA,

WE ONCE AGAIN URGE YOUTO DISCONTINUE YOUR

URANIUM ENRICHMENT PROGRAM.

- HEY, MAHMOUD?KIM JONG?

I THINK I ALREADYDONE TOLD BOTH Y'ALL,

86 YOUR [bleep], BITCHES.

OR I'M GOING TO COME OVER THEREAND DO IT FOR Y'ALL.

PLEASE TEST MEAND SEE WHAT HAPPENS.

- ON THE DOMESTIC FRONT, I JUSTWANT TO SAY TO MY CRITICS,

I HEAR YOUR VOICES ANDI'M AWARE OF YOUR CONCERNS.

- SO MAYBE IF YOU COULDCHILL THE HELL OUT

FOR, LIKE, A SECOND,

THEN MAYBE I COULD FOCUSON SOME [bleep], YOU KNOW?

- AND THAT GOESFOR EVERYBODY,

INCLUDING MEMBERSOF THE TEA PARTY.

- OH, DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTEDON THESE MOTHER[bleep]ERS

RIGHT HERE.

- I WANT TO ASSURE YOUTHAT WE WILL BE LOOKING

FOR NEW COMPROMISES WITHTHE GOP IN THE MONTHS AHEAD.

- AND YOU KNOW THESEMOTHER[bleep]ERS GONNA

SAY NO BEFORE I EVENSUGGEST SOME [bleep].

- NOW I KNOW A LOT OF FOLKS SAYTHAT I HAVEN'T DONE A GOOD JOB

AT COMMUNICATING MYACCOMPLISHMENTS TO THE PUBLIC.

- BECAUSE Y'ALLMOTHER[bleep]ERS DON'T LISTEN!

- UH, SINCE BEING IN OFFICE,

WE'VE CREATED3 MILLION NEW JOBS.

- 3 MILLION NEW JOBS.

- WE ENDEDTHE WAR IN IRAQ.

- ENDED A WAR, Y'ALL.

WE ENDED A WAR,REMEMBER THAT?

- THESE ACHIEVEMENTS SHOULDSERVE AS A REMINDER

THAT I AM ON YOUR SIDE.

[feedback squeals]- I AM NOT A MUSLIM!

- AND THAT MY INTENTIONS,AS YOUR PRESIDENT,

ARE COMING FROMTHE RIGHT PLACE.

- THEY COMING FROM HAWAII,WHICH IS WHERE I'M FROM,

WHICH IS IN THE UNITED STATESOF AMERICA, Y'ALL.

OKAY?THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

I HAVE A BIRTH CERTIFICATE!I HAVE A BIRTH CERTIFICATE!

I HAVE A HOT,DIGGITY-DOGGITY,

MAMASE MAMASA MAMAKUSA, BIRTH CERTIFICATE,

YOU DUMB ASS CRACKERS!

- OKAY, LUTHER.ROPE IT IN.

- YEAH, DIAL IT BACK, LUTHER.DAMN.

- IN CONCLUSION,LAST NIGHT I HAD

A CONVERSATIONWITH MICHELLE.

- I SAYS, "BITCH."

- NOPE,I DID NOT SAY THAT.

I DID NOT SAY THAT.

- DID NOT SAY THAT.