Thursday, February 6, 2014

  • 02/06/2014

Kurt Braunohler, Neko Case and James Adomian list unwatchable TV after-shows, learn about the rules of Sochi bathrooms and get a visit from "True Blood" star Joe Manganiello.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNET

HEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

(APPLAUSE)

ALL RIGHT, GUYS.

THE OLYMPICS IS STARTING THIS

WEEKEND IN SOCHI, RUSSIA, BUT

CANADIAN SNOWBOARDER SEBASTIEN

TOUTANT TWEETED A PHOTO OF THE

PICTURES LISTING THE DOS AND

DON'TS OF THE OLYMPIC VILLAGE

BATHROOMS.

SO THERE ARE SIGNS ON THE

VILLAGE BATHROOM WALLS THAT SAY

WHAT YOU CAN AND CAN'T DO.

STRANGELY, GAY SEX IS NOT ON THE

LIST OF PROHIBITED ACTIVITIES,

SO HAVE AT IT.

(LAUGHTER)

>> WE DON'T EVEN ACKNOWLEDGE

THAT IT EXISTS.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING

ACTIVITIES ARE PROHIBITED IN

OLYMPIC VILLAGE BATHROOMS?

A. STANDING TO PEE.

B. UPPER DECKERING, I.E. THE

LOST ART OF TAKING A DUMP INSIDE

THE TANK AND NOT THE BOWL.

C. FISHING.

ADOMIAN?

>> STANDING UP TO PEE.

>> Chris: WELL ACTUALLY, ALL OF

THOSE THINGS ARE PROHIBITED.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

SO LET'S JUST TAKE A STROLL

DOWN THIS BUSINESS.

>> IF YOU'RE HANDLING A PENIS

WITH YOUR HAND, IT'S A LITTLE

BIT TOO GAY.

(LAUGHTER)

>> IT LOOKS LIKE HE'S PLAYING

ATARI BREAKAWAY WITH HIS PENIS.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: THIS ONE RIGHT HERE.

SO THIS IS THE ONLY THING

THAT IS ALLOWED.

YOU HAVE TO SIT DOWN TO POOP

OR PEE, MALE OR FEMALE,

AND WITH EXCELLENT POSTURE.

THIS IS NOT ALLOWED.

URINATING INTO BEES IS NOT

ALLOWED.

NOT ALLOWED TO THROW UP IN THE

TOILET EITHER, SO IF YOU GET

SICK, TOO [BLEEP] BAD FOR YOU.

>> RIGHT ON THE FLOOR.

>> Chris: DO IT ON THE FLOOR.

ALL RIGHT, THIS FRIDAY MARKS THE

50th ANNIVERSARY OF THE BEATLES

HITTING AMERICAN SOIL.

THIS SUNDAY, CBS IS HOLDING A

SENIOR CITIZEN CONCERT TO

COMMEMORATE THEIR FIRST

PERFORMANCE ON THE ED SULLIVAN

SHOW.

(LAUGHTER)

WE FOUND A CLIP ON YOUTUBE

TITLED "THE BEATLES' FIRST TIME

ON U.S. TV."

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING IS

A REAL COMMENT ON IT?

REMEMBER: THIS IS YOUTUBE.

(LAUGHTER)

>> A. LOLZ, THEY LOOK LIKE FOUR

UGLY JUSTIN BIEBERS.

B. RACIST! HOW COME THERE ISN'T

A BLACK BEATLE?

C. DUDE, SERIOUSLY, MACKLEMORE

HAS MORE TALENT THAN THIS

[BLEEP].

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

I LOVE MACKLEMORE.

I'M FINE WITH THAT ONE.

YES, KURT?

>> I'M GOING TO SAY C IS REAL.

>> Chris: C IS ACTUALLY A REAL

COMMENT, YES, THAT'S RIGHT

FOR 100 POINTS.

(APPLAUSE)

ALL RIGHT, IF TWITTER EXISTED,

WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE TWEETED

ABOUT THE BEATLES' APPEARANCE

ON THE ED SULLIVAN SHOW?

>> I'M A BEATLE-IEBER.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: GOD DAMMIT, THAT

TONIGHT'S #HASHTAGWARS.

I'M VERY EXCITED ABOUT THIS ONE.

(APPLAUSE)

THE WALKING DEAD COMES BACK

THIS WEEKEND ON SUNDAY!

(APPLAUSE)

BUT THAT ALSO MEANS THAT

TALKING DEAD IS COMING BACK

SUNDAY AS WELL.

(SOME APPLAUSE)

THAT ACTUALLY GOT THE

PROPORTIONAL AMOUNT OF RESPONSE

THAT REFLECTS OUR RATINGS.

LIKE WALKING DEAD,

TALKING DEAD, ALL RIGHT.

SO OF COURSE OUR BRAINS ARE

ALL UP IN AFTER-SHOW BUSINESS,

SO WITH THAT IN MIND, TONIGHT'S

HASHTAG IS #BADAFTERSHOWS,

BECAUSE THERE ARE A LOT OF

THEM NOW.

SO YOU KNOW, THESE COULD BE

THINGS LIKE "KEEPING UP WITH

KEEPING UP WITH THE KARDASHIANS"

OR "TALK-TOR WHO."

(LAUGHTER)

SO I WILL PUT 60 SECONDS

ON THE CLOCK, AND GO!

KURT.

>> LAW & ORDER: SPECIAL

DISCUSSION UNIT.

>> Chris: POINTS.

JAMES?

>> TATTLESTAR GALACTICA .

>> Chris: POINTS.

JAMES?

>> THE "OH, REALLY?" FACTOR.

(APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: THE LEAN-IN SOLD IT

TOO, POINTS.

KURT?

>> TALKING ABOUT THAT ONE FUNNY

SKETCH ON SNL.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: DAMN, RETRACT THE

CLAWS, WOLVERINE.

POINTS!

>> TAKE IT!

>> Chris: NEKO.

>> I JUST WANTED TO GET

A BUZZ IN.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

THANK YOU.

>> Chris: DO YOU HAVE

AN AFTER SHOW?

>> JAKE AND THE CHATMAN.

>> Chris: YES, FANTASTIC!

POINTS!

JAMES.

>> DEAD-WOULDA, COULDA, SHOULDA.

>> Chris: POINTS!

NEKO?

>> NO [BLEEP], SHERLOCK.

>> Chris: OH MY GOD, PERFECT.

>> THAT'S A GOOD SHOW.

>> Chris: KURT?

>> BROOKLYN 9/11: NEVER FORGET

WHAT HAPPENED ON THAT SHOW JUST

NOW.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: YEAH, GOT TO GIVE YOU

POINTS, THAT WORKS.

NEKO.

>> TALK SALAD AND SCRAMBLED

EGGS: THE FRASIER AFTER SHOW.

>> Chris: POINTS!

(APPLAUSE)

KURT?

>> GIRLS ON GIRLS.

(BUZZER)

>> Chris: OH...

>> WHAT?

>> WHAT IS THAT SOUND?

THAT'S JUST FOR YOU.

>> JUST FOR ME.

"NO, BAD NAME!"

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: THAT IS THE END OF

THIS KICKSTARTER."

(APPLAUSE)

I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU GUYS

SOME KICKSTARTER PROJECTS THAT

WE THOUGHT WERE...

INTERESTING, IS A WORD.

YOU HAVE TO BUZZ IN WITH A

TAGLINE TO HELP SELL PEOPLE

ON THE PROJECT, OKAY?

IF IT'S FUNNY, YOU GUYS GET 250

POINTS.

CHECK OUT THIS NEW BUSINESS

CASUAL FOR VIDEO CONFERENCING.

(PHONE RINGING)

(LAUGHTER)

YES, NEKO.

>> BODY MULLET.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: PERFECT!

(APPLAUSE)

POINTS!

>> BUSINESS ON THE TOP,

PARTY OUT THE BUTT.

>> Chris: HOW ABOUT THIS NEXT

ONE?

THIS IS "JAMS FOR ANIMALS."

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

>> WHAT YOU ARE SEEING RIGHT

NOW IS AN EXCERPT FROM OUR FIRST

SINGLE CALLED "HOUSE CAT."

♪ THAT'S MY HOUSE CAT...

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: YES, NEKO.

>> "50K FILLS MY CHILDLESS

UTERUS."

(LAUGHTER)

>> POINTS!

>> SORRY.

>> Chris: NEXT ONE, THIS

SCI-FI RELIGION/CULT.

>> HAIL!

I'M LOOKING TO RAISE FUNDS

FOR MY SCI-FI CULT.

>> Chris: YES, KURT?

>> HI, I'M L. RON HUBBARD.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

>> WOULD YOU LIKE SOMETHING

AS RIDICULOUS AS SCIENTOLOGY

WITH NONE OF THE PRODUCTION

VALUE?

>> Chris: POINTS.

TUMBLREALITY:

CELEBRITY EDITION.

"GUYS, EVERYBODY LOVES

CELEBRITIES BECAUSE THEY'RE

BETTER THAN US!

THEY'RE JUST LIKE US, TOO.

SOMETIMES THEY PUMP THEIR

OWN GAS, LIKE IN "US MAGAZINE."

WHAT?"

ALL RIGHT, EVERYONE ON TUMBLR

LOVES CELEBRITIES MASHED UP WITH

WEIRD RANDOM BULL[BLEEP], SO I

WILL GIVE YOU THE NAME OF TWO

CELEBRITY TUMBLRS, AND YOU TELL

ME FOR 250 POINTS WHICH ONE OF

THEM IS REAL.

HERE IS THE FIRST ONE:

NORMAL AL-- PICTURES OF WEIRD AL

MADE TO LOOK LIKE AN AVERAGE

AMERICAN-- OR WHERE'S RANDY

SAVAGE-- WRESTLER MACHO MAN

RANDY SAVAGE PLACED IN

NOTABLE SITUATIONS.

ADOMIAN?

>> I HAVE TO IMAGINE IT'S

WHERE'S RANDY SAVAGE.

>> Chris: LET'S FIND OUT.

IT'S WHERE'S RANDY SAVAGE.

THERE HE IS.

(LAUGHTER)

MACHO MAN RANDY SAVAGE, I WILL

SHOW YOU TO THE WORLD, BATMAN!

>> "RETUMBL IT, OH YEAH!"

>> Chris: NEXT ONE, TOMATO TOM

CRUISE-- TOM CRUISE IS

PHOTOSHOPPED TO LOOK LIKE

TOMATOES-- OR POKEMONXNICCAGE,

WHERE NIC CAGE IS DRAWN ONTO

FIRST GENERATION POKEMON

CHARACTERS.

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

OH, [BLEEP] JUST GOT REAL IN

HERE.

"IT BETTER NOT BE THAT

SECOND ONE, MAN.

I CAN'T EVEN DEAL!"

>> YOU KEEP "FACE-OFF"

OFF OF MY PIKACHU!

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

>> YOU GUYS ARE ADULTS WHO KNOW

WAY TOO MUCH ABOUT POKEMON.

>> Chris: SHUT UP MAN, THEY

EVOLVE.

>> I'M AN ANIMATION ENTHUSIAST.

>> Chris: GOT TO CATCH THEM ALL.

KURT, WHAT IS YOUR ANSWER?

>> POKEMONXNICCAGE.

>> Chris: LET'S FIND OUT.

YES!

(APPLAUSE)

>> JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT NIC

CAGE COULDN'T MAKE ANY MORE BAD

CHOICES.

>> Chris: "I HAVE A LOT

OF TAXES TO PAY.

I'M A LIGHTNING MOUSE."

>> "I DON'T REMEMBER THE 80s."

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, LINDSAY

NOHANDS-- WHICH ARE PICS OF

LINDSAY LOHAN WITH NO HANDS--

OR SIM KARDASHIAN-- PICTURES OF

KIM KARDASHIAN IN THE GAME

THE SIMS.

NEKO?

>> LINDSAY NOHANDS.

>> Chris: I BELIEVE IT IS.

(APPLAUSE)

>> OH MAN, THAT IS SUCH AN

UNHAPPY LINDSAY.

HOW DOES SHE GET THAT SWEET

COCAINE TO HER NOSE?

>> Chris: THAT IS THE ONLY WAY

THEY CAN STOP HER FROM...

>> SHE JUST HAS TO THROW IT UP

IN THE AIR.

>> Chris: LIKE CONFETTI.

>> HAPPY NEW YEAR!

>> YEAH!

(APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: SEEMS LIKE EVERY OTHER

DAY, A NEW FACEBOOK QUIZ GUMS UP

THE FACEBOOK FEED.

SOME RECENT ONES I'VE SEEN ARE:

WHICH STAR WARS CHARACTER ARE

YOU?

WHO'S CRUSHING ON YOU?

WHICH HORROR MOVIE STEREOTYPE

ARE YOU?

AND ON AND ON AND ON.

COMEDIANS, YOU HAVE 60 SECONDS

TO COME UP WITH AS MANY FAILED

FACEBOOK QUIZZES AS POSSIBLE.

READY AND GO.

KURT?

>> WHAT KIND OF PIZZA ARE YOU

IN BED?

>> Chris: POINTS.

KURT.

>> HOW FAT HAVE YOU GOTTEN

SINCE HIGH SCHOOL?

>> Chris: POINTS.

NEKO CASE?

>> WHAT IS YOUR ARYAN

SLAVE GIRL NAME?

>> Chris: POINTS.

ADOMIAN?

>> WHAT ILLEGAL NSA SURVEILLANCE

PROGRAM DO YOU MOST RESEMBLE?

>> Chris: POINTS.

ASKING FOR A FRIEND.

NEKO?

>> WHAT CAT IS YOUR DOG QUIZ?

>> Chris: POINTS.

KURT.

>> WHICH CHARACTER ARE YOU

FROM GRAVITY?

(LAUGHTER)

YOU'RE ALWAYS SANDRA BULLOCK.

>> Chris: POINTS TO KURT.

>> THAT IS THE END OF THAT GAME,

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