CC Presents: Billy Gardell

  • 06/06/2008

Billy Gardell offers vital parenting tips regarding cell phones, bike safety and doors that lock.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

IT'S GOOD TO BE BACKIN NEW YORK CITY.

I LOVE COMING HERE.ASK ME WHY.

WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?

'CAUSE YOU GOT A BAREVERY 4 FEET,

WITH A CHURCH IN BETWEEN THEM.

I FIGURED OUT THE SYSTEM --I'M DRUNK. I'M SORRY.

I'M DRUNK. I'M SORRY.I'M DRUNK.

THEN YOU GO GET A SLICE OF PIE.

IT'S JUST GOOD TO BE OUTOF LOS ANGELES, MAN.

I HATE LIVING OUT THERE.

IT'S NICE TO BE BACK IN A TOWNWHERE YOU CAN HAVE

MORE THAN FOUR BEERS WITHOUTSOMEONE IN THE ROOM GOING,

"He has a problem."

FOUR BEERS AIN'T A PROBLEM.

WAKING UP NAKED,CHAINED TO A GOAT --

THAT'S A PROBLEM.

A LITTLE PERSPECTIVE.THAT'S ALL.

[ APPLAUSE ]

IT'S WEIRD OUT THERE, MAN.

EVERY GROWN MANWEIGHS 100 POUNDS,

AND ALL THE WOMEN HAVESO MUCH PLASTIC SURGERY,

THEY JUST WALK AROUNDLOOKING SURPRISED ALL DAY,

LIKE, "HEY, HOW YOU DOING?GOOD TO SEE YOU.

I JUST GOT MY SHOTS.HOW ARE YOU? OKAY."

SAW MY FIRST GAY-PRIDE MARCHOUT IN LOS ANGELES.

I NEVER SEENNOTHING LIKE THAT, MAN.

100,000 GAY PEOPLECOME MARCHING THROUGH THE CITY.

I STARTED THINKING ABOUT THAT.I'M A LITTLE JEALOUS OF THAT.

STRAIGHT GUYS,WE DON'T HAVE A PARADE, DO WE?

YOU DON'T SEE US MARCHING UPAND DOWN THE STREET --

"VAGINA!"

WHERE'S THAT PARADE?

I'D HAVE A ROLLING VAGINA FLOAT

WITH A TRAMPOLINE IN THE MIDDLEAND A MIDGET POPPING IN AND OUT,

JUST TOSSING OUT PLASTIC LIPSLIKE IT WAS MARDI GRAS.

"HAPPY VAGINA DAY, EVERYBODY!"

I HAVE A GREAT JOB, MAN.

HOW COOL IS THAT?

NOT A LOT OF JOBSYOU CAN DRINK AT WORK --

WELL, UNLESS YOU'RE A PILOTOR A TANKER CAPTAIN.

THOSE GUYS CAN JUST...

YOU GUYS READABOUT THOSE AIRLINE PILOTS

THAT WERE GETTING LOADED

AND LANDING PEOPLEIN THE WRONG CITY?

[ CHUCKLES ]

I DON'T HAVE A JOKE FOR THAT.I JUST THINK IT'S FUNNY.

YOU SEE THEM UPIN THE COCKPIT --

"PUT THEM DOWN IN CLEVELAND!

"THEY CAN GO TOTHE ROCK AND ROLL HALL OF FAME

FOR ALL I GIVE A..."

I UNDERSTAND HOW YOU GET DRUNKAND YOU CRASH A PLANE

OR YOU WRECK A BARGE.

IT ALWAYS MAKES ME LAUGHWHEN THESE GUYS GET LOADED

AND CRASH A TRAIN.

IT'S ON RAILS.

THERE'S ONE LEVER UP FRONT --FASTER, SLOWER, FASTER, SLOWER.

"WHAT HAPPENED?""I WENT LIKE THAT."

I WANT TO THANK YOUFOR GETTING AWAY

FROM YOUR BUTTONSTHIS EVENING, MAN.

LIVE ENTERTAINMENTIS THE LAST THING WE HAVE

THAT YOU NEEDAN ATTENTION SPAN FOR,

AND I APPRECIATEYOU COMING DOWN HERE.

IT'S MOVING TOO FAST FOR ME.

SEE, I'M GLAD I'M THE AGE I AM,'CAUSE IF YOU'RE OVER 35,

TECHNOLOGY CAN'T REALLY GET YOU.

YOU LOOK AT TECHNOLOGY LIKE,

"I CAN'T FIGURE THAT OUT --TURN THE RADIO ON.

I DON'T KNOWWHAT YOU'RE DOING THERE."

I'M A LITTLE WORRIEDABOUT KIDS, MAN.

THEY START KIDSON COMPUTERS AT 6 NOW.

LOOK, HOW ABOUT SOMEHIDE-AND-GO-SEEK?

HOW ABOUT SOME WATER BALLOONS?

WE DON'T NEED TO BE CLICK,DRAGGING,

AND DROPPINGRIGHT OUT OF THE WOMB.

IT DOESN'T NEED TOHAPPEN RIGHT OUT OF THE WOMB.

YOU UNDERSTAND?

THE OTHER DAY,I WAS AT THE MALL.

I SAW A 9-YEAR-OLD GIRLTEXT-MESSAGING HER FRIEND.

WHEN I WAS 9,YOU TOOK A PIECE OF PAPER,

FOLDED IT INTO A DIAMOND.

YOU GO, "OKAY, PICK A COLOR.B-L-U-E."

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

YOU FLIP IT UP.YOU GO, "WHAT'S IT SAY?"

"YOU'RE AN IDIOT.I GOT TO GO TO CLASS."

YOU SEEN A KIDRIDE A BICYCLE LATELY?

MY GOD, COULD WE GETSOME MORE SAFETY GEAR ON THEM?

GOT A HELMET,A FLAK JACKET, ELBOW PADS.

I DIDN'T HAVE ANYTHING.

FIRST TIME I WENT DOWN A HILL,INTO A TREE,

I KNEW, "NEXT TIMEI'M IN THIS AREA, SLOW DOWN!"

IT'S A SELF-TEACHING PROCESS.

MY BIKE DIDN'T HAVEANY SAFETY GEAR.

I DIDN'T EVEN HAVETWO GOOD PEDALS.

I HAD A PEDAL AND THAT METAL BARYOU HAD TO RUB YOUR FOOT ON.

IF SOMETHING FELL OFF MY BIKE,MY DADDY WOULD GO,

"YOU DON'T NEED THAT ON THEREANYWAY -- DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

THAT'S HOW THEY JACKTHE COST UP. GET OUTSIDE."

WHEN THEY SAID "GET OUTSIDE"WHEN I WAS A KID, THEY MEANT IT.

THEY LOCKED THE DOOR.THEY DIDN'T CARE WHERE YOU WERE.

YOU WERE ON AN ADVENTURE.

AND IF IT WAS THE MIDDLEOF SUMMER AND YOU WERE THIRSTY,

NOBODY COME RUNNING WITH ABOTTLE OF WATER TO HYDRATE YOU.

WHAT DID YOU DRINK OUT OF?

Woman: HOSE!THE HOSE.

YOU'RE SITTINGON THE SIDE OF THE HOUSE

TRYING TO GET THAT WATERTO COOL DOWN TO 80

SO YOU DIDN'TBLISTER YOUR TONGUE.

YOU'RE SITTING THERE HAPPY ASHELL DRINKING MERCURY AND METAL.

LUM, LUM, LUM.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

IT WORKED, 'CAUSE I AIN'TALLERGIC TO ANYTHING.

WE'RE A LITTLE TOO SOFTTHESE DAYS.

THERE'S A GROUP IN CALIFORNIA

THAT'S PETITIONINGLITTLE LEAGUES

SO THAT THE OUTFIELD BATTERSCAN'T HECKLE THE KID AT BAT

'CAUSE IT MIGHTHURT HIS SELF-ESTEEM.

LOOK, I'M FROM PITTSBURGH.

THAT'S A LONG WAY FROM WHENI STEPPED IN THE BATTER'S BOX

AND THE FIRST THING I HEARD WAS,"GARDELL, YOU SUCK!"

AND THAT WAS MY DAD, ALL RIGHT?

YOU NEED THAT. RIGHT?

INTO THEIR FAKE LITTLESAFETY COCOONS, WHAT DO WE DO?

WE RUN FORTHE MEDICINE CABINET, RIGHT?

'CAUSE THE MEDICAL COMMUNITYHAS CONVINCED US AND SCARED US

INTO THINKING WE NEEDA PILL FOR EVERYTHING WE DO.

"HERE'S A PILL TO EAT.HERE'S A PILL TO SLEEP.

"HERE'S A PILL TO CRAP.HERE'S A PILL TO SCREW.

"HERE'S A PILL THAT'LL OFFSETTHE EAT-SLEEP-CRAP-SCREW PILL.

"HERE, TAKE YOUR PILLS.

"WHAT'S THE MATTER?YOU DON'T LIKE YOUR JOB?

"HERE'S A LITTLE BLUE PILL AND APICTURE OF TWO DICKS IN A CANOE

"WITH THE WORD 'TEAMWORK'UNDER IT.

GET BACK TO YOUR CUBICLE."

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.

IF YOU ARE OVER 35 AND YOU'VESTARTED TAKING ANTIDEPRESSANTS,

GET ANOTHER JOB AND SHUT UP!

SUCK IT UP JUST A LITTLE BIT FORTHE FOLKS WHO WENT BEFORE US.

YOU THINK THE GUYSTHAT WERE BLOWING UP THE ROCKIES

AND LAYING RAILROAD TRACKS

STOPPED IN THE MIDDLEAND WENT, "I CAN'T FINISH

"THE INTERCONTINENTALRAILROAD TODAY, BOB.

I'M SAD."

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

IS THAT WHERE WE'RE AT, HUH?WE NEED MEDICINE FOR SAD?

HAVE YOU MET THOSE PEOPLE?

"I'M SAD ALL THE TIME,AND I DON'T KNOW WHY."

'CAUSE YOU HAVE A JOB!

WE'RE ALL SAD!WE CHEER UP FRIDAY AT 5:30!

TIGHTEN YOUR CHIN STRAPAND GET BACK IN THE GAME!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

WHY MY FATHERWAS ALWAYS IN THE GARAGE.

THEN I GOT MARRIED.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND IT BECAME CRYSTAL CLEAR.HE WAS AVOIDING ENEMY FIRE.

I'D SAY, "DAD, WHY ARE YOUALWAYS IN THE GARAGE?"

HE'D GO, "YOU HEAR THAT?"I'D GO, "I DON'T HEAR NOTHING."

HE GOES, "THAT'S WHYI'M IN THE GARAGE, BOY.

KEEP YOUR VOICE DOWN.SHE'LL HEAR US."

MY FATHER WAS TEACHING MEA VERY VALUABLE LESSON

FOR WHEN I GOT MARRIED, AND THATIS, "JUST DON'T ARGUE WITH HER.

AT ALL COSTS, LET IT GO.LET IT GO. LET IT GO."

YOU KNOW WHY?

BECAUSE WHEN A WOMAN ARGUES,SHE DOESN'T FIGHT FAIR OR NICE.

A WOMAN BECOMES AN EVIL,VINDICTIVE,

DANGEROUS ANIMALWHEN SHE ARGUES.

[ CHUCKLES ]

AT LEAST SOME OF YOUCAN ADMIT IT.

THE REST OF YOU ARE LIKE,"I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.

I'M SWEET ALL THE TIME."

YEAH. I'LL PROVE IT TO YOU.WHAT'S YOUR NAME, SIR?

MIKO, HOW YOU DOING, MAN?

ME AND HIM GET IN AN ARGUMENT,IT ENDS ONE OF TWO WAYS --

"SHUT UP, MIKO!YOU'RE AN IDIOT!"

OR, "YOU'RE RIGHT, MIKO.LET ME BUY YOU A BEER."

And it's over.

YOU CAN MAKE YOUR WIFE MADSUNDAY NIGHT.

IT STARTS BREWING.

THEN TUESDAY,WHEN SHE GETS UP FOR WORK

AND SHE'S DOINGHER LITTLE BATHROOM ROUTINE,

NOW SHE STARTS SLAMMING STUFFJUST A LITTLE BIT HARDER

TO LET YOU KNOWTHE STORM IS ON ITS WAY!

[ APPLAUSE ]

THEN SHE GOES TO WORK

AND TALKS TO THREE OF HERIDIOT SINGLE GIRLFRIENDS.

THIS IS WHEREMOST OF THE DAMAGE IS DONE.

THESE THREE MANIACS ARE SOSEXUALLY REPRESSED AND BITTER,

THEY HOVER HER LIKE BUZZARDSWAITING TO EAT THE DEAD FLESH

OFF OF HER HAPPINESS.

[ APPLAUSE ]

THEY YANK HER INTO A STOCKROOM,PULL DOWN CHARTS, MAPS,

AND COMPUTER PRINTOUTS OF STUFFYOU SCREWED UP A YEAR AGO.

BY THE TIME SHE COMES HOMEREADY TO ARGUE WITH YOU,

SHE'S GOT BULLET POINTS,

HYPOTHETICAL SITUATIONS,SCENARIOS.

BATTLE PLANS HAVE BEEN DRAWN.

SHE COMES IN THE HOUSE,STATES HER CASE TOP TO BOTTOM.

GUYS ALL COME BACK WITHTHE SAME INTELLIGENT ARGUMENT --

"NUH-UNH!"

SHE LEAVES THE ROOM, ANDALL YOU CAN DO IS MAKE A FACE.

BUT DON'T LET HER CATCH YOUMAKING THAT FACE.

THAT'S A WHOLE OTHER...

I TALK A LOT OF CRAP ABOUTMY WIFE 'CAUSE SHE'S NOT HERE.

BUT I'M AFRAID.

PROBABLY FOR THEIR OWN SAFETY.

WORKED OUT FOR MY DAD.

FOR MY MOM,IT WAS A TOUGHER PASS.

SHE HAD THREE KIDS IN TOW,OVER 35 --

YOU AIN'T EXACTLY GETTING THECREAM OF THE DATING CROP, RIGHT?

SO, WE HAD TO ENDURESOME STEPFATHERS.

I TELL PEOPLE IN LOS ANGELES

THAT MY MOMWAS MARRIED THREE TIMES.

THEY GO,"OH, YOU'RE SO DYSFUNCTIONAL."

NO, I'M WELL-ADJUSTED,

'CAUSE BY THE THIRD FATHER,I WAS LIKE,

"SHUT UP...AND GET ME A BEER."

[ CHUCKLES ]

[ APPLAUSE ]

BUT FOR MY DAD,IT WORKED OUT, MAN.

HE GOT REMARRIED,

STAYED REMARRIEDTO THE SAME WOMAN 31 YEARS.

A MAN WHO HAS BEEN MARRIEDFOR 30 YEARS

GETS TO SAY STUFF TO HIS WIFE

THAT A MAN WHO'S ONLYBEEN MARRIED A COUPLE YEARS

WILL GET HIS TEETHKNOCKED OUT FOR.

HERE'S A PERFECT EXAMPLE.

WE'RE AT MY DAD'S HOUSEFOR SUMMER VACATION LAST YEAR.

EVERYBODY'S IN THE POOLHAVING A GOOD TIME.

MY DAD'S WORKINGTHE HAMBURGER GRILL AND SMOKING.

SO, HIS WIFE STARTS,"I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE SMOKING

"IN FRONT OF THESEBRAND-NEW GRANDBABIES!

"THIS IS THE MOST MAGICAL TIMEIN YOUR LIFE!

"YOU WORKED 35 YEARS TO RETIRE,THIS IS HOW YOU SPEND IT --

"TAKING 7 MINUTESAT A TIME OFF YOUR LIFE,

NOT TO MENTION THE CARCINOGENSYOU'RE PUTTING IN THE AIR?"

HE DON'T SAY A WORD,JUST KEEPS WORKING THE BURGERS.

HE LETS HER GET IT ALL OUT,THEN HE LOOKS AT HER AND GOES,

"SEE? THAT'S WHYNOBODY LIKES YOU."

[ AUDIENCE OHHs ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

I STOOD THERE IN AWE.

I SAID, "DAD,HOW LONG YOU GOT TO BE MARRIED

BEFORE YOU CAN SAYSOMETHING LIKE THAT?"

HE GOES, "YOU GOT TO BEALL DONE [BLEEP] KID."

AND THEN HE LOOKED AT MEAND GOES,

"IT'S WORTH THE WAIT, BOY,IT'S WORTH THE WAIT."

YOU GUYS WERE WONDERFUL.THANK YOU.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

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