February 26, 2013 - Courtroom C**k Guy

  • Season 5, Ep 4
  • 02/26/2013

The Courtroom C**k Guy gets a Web Redemption, Daniel tests out different slurs, and comedian Greg Hahn asks for medical advice.

IT'S "PORCH TIMEWITH MEMA."

- TOSH WANTS TO KNOWWHAT I THINK ABOUT GIRLS

THAT ARE ONLY INTOANAL SEX.

IT'S UNHEALTHY AND I DON'T THINKTHEY OUGHT TO DO THAT.

I DON'T.

THEY NEED TO GET A GOOD DOG.

[laughs]

OOH, I SHOULDN'T HAVESAID THAT.

>> YOU REALLY DID IT THIS TIME,

BRIAN.

>> [mouthing words]

>> YOU REALLY DID IT THIS TIME.

>> I KNOW, MAN.

I MESSED UP.

>> I'M GONNA HAVE YOU

OUT OF HERE IN NO TIME.

YOU WANT ME TO PRESS MY B-HOLE

AGAINST THE WINDOW?

>> OH, MAN, THAT'S--

THAT'S UNNECESSARY.

JUST GIVE ME A LITTLE BIT

OF WINDOW LOVING.

>> I'M GONNA PRESS MY B-HOLE

AGAINST THE WINDOW.

BEFORE WE BEGIN,

DO YOU SWEAR TO TELL THE TRUTH,

THE WHOLE TRUTH, AND NOTHING

BUT THE TRUTH?

>> YES, I DO.

>> WHICH HOMOSEXUAL NEO-NAZI

PARTY DID YOU JOIN WHILE YOU

WERE IN THE PEN?

>> UH, NONE OF 'EM.

>> DID AN OLD BLACK MAN

WITH NO CHANCE OF PAROLE

TAKE YOU UNDER HIS WING?

>> UH, NO.

>> ANY SEXUAL ACTIVITY?

>> NAH.

>> DO YOU HAVE A FORM

OF TOURETTE'S?

>> NO, BUT THAT'D BE

A GOOD EXCUSE FOR WHAT HAPPENED.

>> YEAH.

ALL RIGHT, BRIAN,

WHERE ARE YOU FROM?

>> WEST PALM BEACH, FLORIDA.

>> FLORIDA, MAN.

>> CAN'T STAY OUT OF TROUBLE

DOWN THERE.

>> I LOVE FLORIDA.

EXPLAIN TO ME WHAT GOT YOU

INTO THIS PREDICAMENT

IN THE FIRST PLACE.

>> I WAS GOING TO A DOCTOR

WHO WAS WRITING ME A BUNCH

OF PRESCRIPTION MEDICATION.

I WAS, UH, ABUSING IT.

MY DAD WAS TRYING TO TAKE

MY MEDICATION AWAY FROM ME.

I PULLED OUT A KNIFE,

AND I THREW IT AT HIM.

>> WHAT KIND OF KNIFE WAS IT?

>> I THINK, LIKE,

A STEAK KNIFE, MAN.

>> OKAY.

>> MY NEIGHBORS SAW IT,

PANICKED, CALLED THE COPS.

>> TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED

IN THE COURTROOM.

>> THEY LAID SOME

NEW CHARGES ON ME.

I WENT FROM HAVING A BATTERY

CHARGE TO AN AGGRAVATED ASSAULT

WITH A DEADLY WEAPON,

AND THE JUDGE WAS JUST BEING A--

BEING A DICK.

>> SO YOU CALLED HIM A COCK.

>> WHEN HE WALKED AWAY, I SAID,

"SUCK MY COCK," AND THEN

WHEN HE CALLED ME BACK--

>> OH, YOU SAID, "SUCK MY COCK."

>> I SAID, "SUCK MY COCK,"

AT FIRST, AND THEN WHEN I WENT

BACK UP, I WAS LIKE, "I'M JUST

GONNA THROW THE WORD 'COCK' IN."

SO I WENT WITH THAT METHOD,

AND IT DIDN'T WORK OUT SO GOOD.

EVERYONE IN THE COURTROOM'S

LAUGHING.

>> DID YOU--DID YOU FEED

OFF THE ENERGY OF THE COURTROOM

WHEN EVERYONE STARTED TO LAUGH?

>> YEAH, THAT'S WHY I GOT

THE SECOND CONTEMPT OF COURT.

LIKE, I FIGURED I'M SCREWED,

MIGHT AS WELL GET

ANOTHER LAUGH IN.

>> OH!

YOU KNOW, IT'S TOUGH.

IT'S TOUGH.

YOU WANT TO GO OUT ON A HIGH.

BY THE WAY, I DIDN'T LIKE

HIS CONDESCENDING,

"GET HIM BACK HERE."

KIND OF GO--WHO DOES THAT?

>> YEAH.

>> AND THAT'S WHEN HE'S LIKE,

"GET HIM BACK HERE."

THEN HE KEPT DOING THAT--

>> YEAH, IT IS KIND OF RUDE

TO POINT.

>> DID YOU MEAN TO SAY,

"YOU'RE BEING A COCK,

YOUR HONOR"?

>> NO, BUT NOW THAT I THINK

OF IT, THAT SOUNDS

A LITTLE BIT MORE POLITE.

MAYBE HE WOULD'VE HAD

A LITTLE BIT MORE, UH,

PITY ON ME.

>> THAT'S WHAT YOU SHOULD'VE

DONE FOR THE SECOND ONE.

>> YEAH.

>> DID YOU UNDERSTAND

WHEN HE SAID "CONSECUTIVE"?

>> SO IT'S GONNA BE 60 PLUS 60,

OKAY, TO RUN CONSECUTIVE.

THANK YOU.

>> HAS ANYONE EVER SERVED

A SENTENCE NOT CONSECUTIVE,

LIKE, ONE DAY IN JAIL,

ONE DAY OUT?

I'D BE LIKE...

[sighs]

JUST A LOT OF THOSE.

WHAT WAS YOUR ATTORNEY DOING

WHILE YOU KEPT CALLING

THE JUDGE A COCK?

>> HE WAS JUST LOOKING AROUND

THE ROOM LIKE HE DIDN'T KNOW

WHAT TO DO.

HE ACTUALLY GOT FIRED.

>> BECAUSE HE DID A POOR JOB?

>> HE WAS SUPPOSED TO COVER

THE MICROPHONE,

AND HE DIDN'T DO IT.

>> HOW LONG WERE YOU

IN JAIL FOR?

>> 33 DAYS.

>> 33 DAYS.

DID YOU PLOT YOUR REVENGE THE

WHOLE TIME YOU WERE IN PRISON?

>> NOT REALLY.

FOR THE FIRST WEEK,

I WAS IN THE INFIRMARY

BECAUSE I WAS COMING OFF

OF XANAX, SO THAT WAS

KIND OF A BLUR.

THE REST OF THE TIME,

I JUST READ AND EXERCISED.

>> CARDIO?

>> A LITTLE BIT OF CARDIO--

PULL-UPS MOSTLY.

>> I DON'T CONSIDER PULL-UPS

CARDIO.

>> UH, YEAH--

>> THAT'S A FULL BODY WORKOUT.

YOU DO--DO YOU DO A WIDE GRIP,

OR DO YOU NARROW?

>> WIDE.

>> I DO WIDE AS WELL.

HOW ABOUT SHITTING IN PUBLIC?

HOW'S THAT WORK OUT?

>> UH, IT'S SOMETHING

YOU HAVE TO GET USED TO.

YOU PUT A SHEET IN FRONT OF IT

AND GET EVERYONE TO GET OUT

OF THE ROOM.

>> HOW MANY PEOPLE

WERE IN YOUR CELL?

>> UH, AT THAT TIME, THREE.

>> AND YOU ASK THEM TO LEAVE

WHILE YOU POOP?

>> YEAH.

>> DO THEY RESPECT THAT RULE?

>> UH, PRETTY MUCH, MAN.

NO ONE WANTS TO SIT IN THERE

AND SMELL ANYONE'S SHIT.

>> I GOT YOU.

UH, HAVE YOU BEEN BACK?

>> UH, ACTUALLY, I WAS,

BUT IT WAS, INSTEAD OF TAKING

PROBATION, I DECIDED

TO DO JAIL TIME.

>> IS THAT BETTER?

>> UH, I PROBABLY WOULD'VE BEEN

BACK IN JAIL IF I WOULD'VE TAKEN

THE PROBATION, SO...

>> GOT YOU.

LOOK AT YOU, PLAYING IT SMART.

WHY IS FLORIDA SO FULL

OF FUCKUPS?

>> UH, I GUESS THAT'S WHAT

WE'RE GOOD AT, MAN.

>> I'M FROM FLORIDA.

>> WELL, YOU'RE ONE OF THE FEW,

MAN.

>> NO, NO, NO, NO,

I'M A FUCKUP TOO, JUST--

NAME ALL NINE JUSTICES

ON THE SUPREME COURT.

>> THE ACTUAL NAMES

OR THE POSITIONS?

>> WHO'S YOUR FAVORITE TV JUDGE?

LIKE, JUDGE JUDY...

>> OH, JUDGE JUDY, UH...

>> JUDGE SIMON COWELL

ON THE X FACTOR.

>> BUT ISN'T NICKI MINAJ

ON THAT NOW?

>> DO YOU LIKE NICKI MINAJ?

>> NO, NOT REALLY.

>> WHAT KIND OF MUSIC

DO YOU LIKE?

>> UH, REGGAE.

>> REGGAE?

>> LOVE THE REGGAE.

>> HUH.

DO YOU KNOW MY BROTHER PETER?

>> PETER, NO.

>> TOSH?

>> NO.

>> OH.

DO YOU BLAME

THE HARVEY DENT ACT?

>> REFRESH THAT TO MY MEMORY.

>> HARVEY DENT WAS MURDERED

BY BATMAN.

JUSTIFIABLY, A LOT OF PEOPLE

WENT TO PRISON

UNDER THE HARVEY DENT ACT,

BUT IT WAS FOR THE BETTERMENT

OF GOTHAM.

>> I AGREE, THEN.

>> WERE YOU SURPRISED

THAT THE VIDEO BECAME POPULAR?

>> UH, YEAH.

I HAD PEOPLE WRITING ME LETTERS

WHEN I WAS INCARCERATED,

SAYING THAT IT WAS AWESOME.

>> DID IT GIVE YOU A LOT

OF STREET CRED IN THE PEN?

>> IT DEFINITELY DID.

EVERY--I'M A SMALL GUY.

I'M 5'2".

EVERYONE RESPECTED ME.

>> IS THAT JUDGE STILL WORKING?

>> UH, YEAH.

FROM WHAT I HEAR, HE'S ACTUALLY

A GOOD JUDGE.

>> WHAT MAKES A GOOD JUDGE?

>> PEOPLE GET DUIs.

HE DOESN'T MAKE THEM BOND OUT.

HE RELEASES THEM ON THEIR OWN

"RECONSCIOUSNESS" AND...

>> IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE

YOU WANTED TO TELL THAT JUDGE

THAT YOU DIDN'T GET A CHANCE

TO TELL HIM?

>> I'M DEFINITELY NOT GONNA

APOLOGIZE TO HIM IF I EVER RUN

INTO HIM ON THE STREETS.

>> I MEAN, I THINK THAT'S

THE LESSON THAT SHOULD BE

LEARNED.

>> YEAH.

>> GO OUT IN A BLAZE.

>> THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING.

I TRY TO STICK IT TO THE MAN,

EVEN THOUGH THEY STUCK IT TO ME.

>> WE SHOULD GET HIS PHONE

NUMBER AND SEND HIM A PICTURE

OF OUR COCKS.

[both chuckling]

ALL RIGHT, BRIAN, ENOUGH OF THIS

GETTING TO KNOW EACH OTHER.

LET'S GET CONJUGAL.

>> UH, I THINK I'LL PASS, MAN.

>> ALL RIGHT,

BUT I GOT YOU A RETRIAL,

AND I ASSEMBLED A BRILLIANT

LEGAL DEFENSE DREAM TEAM.

AND IF THAT DOESN'T WORK,

I ALSO BAKED YOU A CAKE.

>> NICE.

>> [whispering] THERE'S A FILE

IN IT--SHH.

BUT THE FOUNDATION OF COMEDYIS BETRAYING YOUR FRIENDS,

SO ONCE AGAIN,LET ME PLAY YOU

ONE OF MY PERSONALINSANE VOICEMAILS

FROM COMEDIAN GREG HAHN.

[beep]

[laughter]

I THINKWE FOUND OUR NEXT POPE.

NOW LET'S LEARN WHYALL VALET TICKETS

SAY THEY'RE NOT RESPONSIBLEFOR NAKED DUDES

IN THIS WEEK'S BREAKDOWN.

[cheers and applause]

DON'T BE FOOLED BY THAT HORRIBLENEW DIE HARD MOVIE.

THERE'S STILL PLENTY OFENTERTAINING THINGS

GOING ON IN RUSSIA.

SOMEONE'S ON PCP.

OR MAYBE HE DOESN'T REALIZETHE LAKERS' SUCK RIOT

IS THE NEXT STREET OVER.

HIS DONG LOOKS LIKE IT'S WEARINGONE OF THOSE RUSSIAN FUR HATS.

I DON'T THINK WE'RE GONNAHAVE TO BLUR THIS.

[laughter]

THE PARKING LOT IS LAVA.

[laughter]

[audience ohs]

DO THEY EVEN HAVE KELLY BLUE BOOK OVER THERE

OR ARE ALL CARSJUST WORTH $400?

[laughter]

NEVER FIGHT A NAKED MAN.

WIN OR LOSE, THAT WEINER'S GONNAMASH UP AGAINST YOU.

NOW YOUR SHIRT'S GOTGRASS STAINS AND SKID MARKS.

I'M STARTING TO SEEWHY ALL THEIR WOMEN

MAIL THEMSELVES TO THE U.S.

HEY, I HOPETHAT'S A STRAITJACKET.

WHAT, ARE YOU TRYINGTO PUT HIM TO BED?

HE'S A LUNATIC,NOT A PARAKEET.

IF YOU'RE WONDERINGWHY NOBODY IS AT WORK,

IT'S BECAUSE THERE IS NONE.

I'M JUST GLAD GODIS SENDING METEORS

TO DESTROY THAT COUNTRY,AND FOR THAT WE THANK YOU.

>> YOU REALLY DID IT THIS TIME,

BRIAN.

>> [mouthing words]

>> YOU REALLY DID IT THIS TIME.

>> I KNOW, MAN.

I MESSED UP.

>> I'M GONNA HAVE YOU

OUT OF HERE IN NO TIME.

YOU WANT ME TO PRESS MY B-HOLE

AGAINST THE WINDOW?

>> OH, MAN, THAT'S--

THAT'S UNNECESSARY.

JUST GIVE ME A LITTLE BIT

OF WINDOW LOVING.

>> I'M GONNA PRESS MY B-HOLE

AGAINST THE WINDOW.

BEFORE WE BEGIN,

DO YOU SWEAR TO TELL THE TRUTH,

THE WHOLE TRUTH, AND NOTHING

BUT THE TRUTH?

>> YES, I DO.

>> WHICH HOMOSEXUAL NEO-NAZI

PARTY DID YOU JOIN WHILE YOU

WERE IN THE PEN?

>> UH, NONE OF 'EM.

>> DID AN OLD BLACK MAN

WITH NO CHANCE OF PAROLE

TAKE YOU UNDER HIS WING?

>> UH, NO.

>> ANY SEXUAL ACTIVITY?

>> NAH.

>> DO YOU HAVE A FORM

OF TOURETTE'S?

>> NO, BUT THAT'D BE

A GOOD EXCUSE FOR WHAT HAPPENED.

>> YEAH.

ALL RIGHT, BRIAN,

WHERE ARE YOU FROM?

>> WEST PALM BEACH, FLORIDA.

>> FLORIDA, MAN.

>> CAN'T STAY OUT OF TROUBLE

DOWN THERE.

>> I LOVE FLORIDA.

EXPLAIN TO ME WHAT GOT YOU

INTO THIS PREDICAMENT

IN THE FIRST PLACE.

>> I WAS GOING TO A DOCTOR

WHO WAS WRITING ME A BUNCH

OF PRESCRIPTION MEDICATION.

I WAS, UH, ABUSING IT.

MY DAD WAS TRYING TO TAKE

MY MEDICATION AWAY FROM ME.

I PULLED OUT A KNIFE,

AND I THREW IT AT HIM.

>> WHAT KIND OF KNIFE WAS IT?

>> I THINK, LIKE,

A STEAK KNIFE, MAN.

>> OKAY.

>> MY NEIGHBORS SAW IT,

PANICKED, CALLED THE COPS.

>> TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED

IN THE COURTROOM.

>> THEY LAID SOME

NEW CHARGES ON ME.

I WENT FROM HAVING A BATTERY

CHARGE TO AN AGGRAVATED ASSAULT

WITH A DEADLY WEAPON,

AND THE JUDGE WAS JUST BEING A--

BEING A DICK.

>> SO YOU CALLED HIM A COCK.

>> WHEN HE WALKED AWAY, I SAID,

"SUCK MY COCK," AND THEN

WHEN HE CALLED ME BACK--

>> OH, YOU SAID, "SUCK MY COCK."

>> I SAID, "SUCK MY COCK,"

AT FIRST, AND THEN WHEN I WENT

BACK UP, I WAS LIKE, "I'M JUST

GONNA THROW THE WORD 'COCK' IN."

SO I WENT WITH THAT METHOD,

AND IT DIDN'T WORK OUT SO GOOD.

EVERYONE IN THE COURTROOM'S

LAUGHING.

>> DID YOU--DID YOU FEED

OFF THE ENERGY OF THE COURTROOM

WHEN EVERYONE STARTED TO LAUGH?

>> YEAH, THAT'S WHY I GOT

THE SECOND CONTEMPT OF COURT.

LIKE, I FIGURED I'M SCREWED,

MIGHT AS WELL GET

ANOTHER LAUGH IN.

>> OH!

YOU KNOW, IT'S TOUGH.

IT'S TOUGH.

YOU WANT TO GO OUT ON A HIGH.

BY THE WAY, I DIDN'T LIKE

HIS CONDESCENDING,

"GET HIM BACK HERE."

KIND OF GO--WHO DOES THAT?

>> YEAH.

>> AND THAT'S WHEN HE'S LIKE,

"GET HIM BACK HERE."

THEN HE KEPT DOING THAT--

>> YEAH, IT IS KIND OF RUDE

TO POINT.

>> DID YOU MEAN TO SAY,

"YOU'RE BEING A COCK,

YOUR HONOR"?

>> NO, BUT NOW THAT I THINK

OF IT, THAT SOUNDS

A LITTLE BIT MORE POLITE.

MAYBE HE WOULD'VE HAD

A LITTLE BIT MORE, UH,

PITY ON ME.

>> THAT'S WHAT YOU SHOULD'VE

DONE FOR THE SECOND ONE.

>> YEAH.

>> DID YOU UNDERSTAND

WHEN HE SAID "CONSECUTIVE"?

>> SO IT'S GONNA BE 60 PLUS 60,

OKAY, TO RUN CONSECUTIVE.

THANK YOU.

>> HAS ANYONE EVER SERVED

A SENTENCE NOT CONSECUTIVE,

LIKE, ONE DAY IN JAIL,

ONE DAY OUT?

I'D BE LIKE...

[sighs]

JUST A LOT OF THOSE.

WHAT WAS YOUR ATTORNEY DOING

WHILE YOU KEPT CALLING

THE JUDGE A COCK?

>> HE WAS JUST LOOKING AROUND

THE ROOM LIKE HE DIDN'T KNOW

WHAT TO DO.

HE ACTUALLY GOT FIRED.

>> BECAUSE HE DID A POOR JOB?

>> HE WAS SUPPOSED TO COVER

THE MICROPHONE,

AND HE DIDN'T DO IT.

>> HOW LONG WERE YOU

IN JAIL FOR?

>> 33 DAYS.

>> 33 DAYS.

DID YOU PLOT YOUR REVENGE THE

WHOLE TIME YOU WERE IN PRISON?

>> NOT REALLY.

FOR THE FIRST WEEK,

I WAS IN THE INFIRMARY

BECAUSE I WAS COMING OFF

OF XANAX, SO THAT WAS

KIND OF A BLUR.

THE REST OF THE TIME,

I JUST READ AND EXERCISED.

>> CARDIO?

>> A LITTLE BIT OF CARDIO--

PULL-UPS MOSTLY.

>> I DON'T CONSIDER PULL-UPS

CARDIO.

>> UH, YEAH--

>> THAT'S A FULL BODY WORKOUT.

YOU DO--DO YOU DO A WIDE GRIP,

OR DO YOU NARROW?

>> WIDE.

>> I DO WIDE AS WELL.

HOW ABOUT SHITTING IN PUBLIC?

HOW'S THAT WORK OUT?

>> UH, IT'S SOMETHING

YOU HAVE TO GET USED TO.

YOU PUT A SHEET IN FRONT OF IT

AND GET EVERYONE TO GET OUT

OF THE ROOM.

>> HOW MANY PEOPLE

WERE IN YOUR CELL?

>> UH, AT THAT TIME, THREE.

>> AND YOU ASK THEM TO LEAVE

WHILE YOU POOP?

>> YEAH.

>> DO THEY RESPECT THAT RULE?

>> UH, PRETTY MUCH, MAN.

NO ONE WANTS TO SIT IN THERE

AND SMELL ANYONE'S SHIT.

>> I GOT YOU.

UH, HAVE YOU BEEN BACK?

>> UH, ACTUALLY, I WAS,

BUT IT WAS, INSTEAD OF TAKING

PROBATION, I DECIDED

TO DO JAIL TIME.

>> IS THAT BETTER?

>> UH, I PROBABLY WOULD'VE BEEN

BACK IN JAIL IF I WOULD'VE TAKEN

THE PROBATION, SO...

>> GOT YOU.

LOOK AT YOU, PLAYING IT SMART.

WHY IS FLORIDA SO FULL

OF FUCKUPS?

>> UH, I GUESS THAT'S WHAT

WE'RE GOOD AT, MAN.

>> I'M FROM FLORIDA.

>> WELL, YOU'RE ONE OF THE FEW,

MAN.

>> NO, NO, NO, NO,

I'M A FUCKUP TOO, JUST--

NAME ALL NINE JUSTICES

ON THE SUPREME COURT.

>> THE ACTUAL NAMES

OR THE POSITIONS?

>> WHO'S YOUR FAVORITE TV JUDGE?

LIKE, JUDGE JUDY...

>> OH, JUDGE JUDY, UH...

>> JUDGE SIMON COWELL

ON THE X FACTOR.

>> BUT ISN'T NICKI MINAJ

ON THAT NOW?

>> DO YOU LIKE NICKI MINAJ?

>> NO, NOT REALLY.

>> WHAT KIND OF MUSIC

DO YOU LIKE?

>> UH, REGGAE.

>> REGGAE?

>> LOVE THE REGGAE.

>> HUH.

DO YOU KNOW MY BROTHER PETER?

>> PETER, NO.

>> TOSH?

>> NO.

>> OH.

DO YOU BLAME

THE HARVEY DENT ACT?

>> REFRESH THAT TO MY MEMORY.

>> HARVEY DENT WAS MURDERED

BY BATMAN.

JUSTIFIABLY, A LOT OF PEOPLE

WENT TO PRISON

UNDER THE HARVEY DENT ACT,

BUT IT WAS FOR THE BETTERMENT

OF GOTHAM.

>> I AGREE, THEN.

>> WERE YOU SURPRISED

THAT THE VIDEO BECAME POPULAR?

>> UH, YEAH.

I HAD PEOPLE WRITING ME LETTERS

WHEN I WAS INCARCERATED,

SAYING THAT IT WAS AWESOME.

>> DID IT GIVE YOU A LOT

OF STREET CRED IN THE PEN?

>> IT DEFINITELY DID.

EVERY--I'M A SMALL GUY.

I'M 5'2".

EVERYONE RESPECTED ME.

>> IS THAT JUDGE STILL WORKING?

>> UH, YEAH.

FROM WHAT I HEAR, HE'S ACTUALLY

A GOOD JUDGE.

>> WHAT MAKES A GOOD JUDGE?

>> PEOPLE GET DUIs.

HE DOESN'T MAKE THEM BOND OUT.

HE RELEASES THEM ON THEIR OWN

"RECONSCIOUSNESS" AND...

>> IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE

YOU WANTED TO TELL THAT JUDGE

THAT YOU DIDN'T GET A CHANCE

TO TELL HIM?

>> I'M DEFINITELY NOT GONNA

APOLOGIZE TO HIM IF I EVER RUN

INTO HIM ON THE STREETS.

>> I MEAN, I THINK THAT'S

THE LESSON THAT SHOULD BE

LEARNED.

>> YEAH.

>> GO OUT IN A BLAZE.

>> THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING.

I TRY TO STICK IT TO THE MAN,

EVEN THOUGH THEY STUCK IT TO ME.

>> WE SHOULD GET HIS PHONE

NUMBER AND SEND HIM A PICTURE

OF OUR COCKS.

[both chuckling]

ALL RIGHT, BRIAN, ENOUGH OF THIS

GETTING TO KNOW EACH OTHER.

LET'S GET CONJUGAL.

>> UH, I THINK I'LL PASS, MAN.

>> ALL RIGHT,

BUT I GOT YOU A RETRIAL,

AND I ASSEMBLED A BRILLIANT

LEGAL DEFENSE DREAM TEAM.

AND IF THAT DOESN'T WORK,

I ALSO BAKED YOU A CAKE.

>> NICE.

>> [whispering] THERE'S A FILE

IN IT--SHH.

I INVENTED A NEW GAME CALLEDSPORTS OR CONSEQUENCES,

AND SINCE WRITING FRESH CONTENTEACH WEEK IS HARD,

I ASKED YOU GUYSTO SEND IN YOUR OWN.

- THIS ISSPORTS AND CONSEQUENCES.

- OH, GOD.

- A RUBBER BAND SNAPTO THE NIPPLES.

[laughter]

- WHOO!

- OH!

- TWO, THREE...- AAH!

[audience ohs]

- POWER WASH!POWER WASH!

- THERE'S A STATE PATROLBEHIND US.

STATE TROOPER.UH-OH.

- THOSE LAST TWO IDIOTSDID SUCH A GOOD JOB,

THEY GOT ARRESTED.

WHILE I FULLY ENJOYAND SUPPORT WHAT THEY DID,

I DO NOT CONDONE IT.

THAT'S AN IMPORTANTDISTINCTION.

- IT'S ABOUT THE PRETTIEST TIMEOF YEAR, THOUGH.

I MEAN, THOSE--THOSE TREESJUST LOOK--LOOK SO NICE

AND, YOU KNOW, I LOVE TO GETALL THOSE NICE COVERS OUT THERE.

[laughter]

- THANKS, GUYS.

- UH-OH.THAT WAS AN HONEST MISTAKE.

WHO HERE HASN'TACCIDENTALLY CALLED

ONE OF THEIR CO-WORKERSCOLORED?

IN THIS HYPERSENSITIVEDAY AND AGE,

IT'S HARD TO KNOW WHO WILL BEOFFENDED BY WHAT,

SO I CAME UP WITH A LIST OFBRAND NEW TERMS

THAT HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO RACIALCONNOTATION WHATSOEVER,

AND TO MAKE SURE THEY'RE SAFE,I FIELD-TESTED THEM

WITH AN EXTREMELY DIVERSEFOCUS GROUP.

IT'S TIME FOR"IS IT RACIST?"

THANK YOU, GUYS,FOR COMING.

I WOULD LIKE YOU JUSTTO RAISE YOUR HAND

WHENEVER YOU FEELTHE TERM I USE IS OFFENSIVE.

CREAM JOCKEY.OKAY.

WATER FLAPS.

HERE COMES A PACK OF WATERFLAPS. LOCK UP YOUR DOGS.

- UH-OH.NOW THAT DOESN'T SOUND GOOD.

YEAH, THAT DOESN'T SOUND GOOD.- OKAY, OKAY.

SUGAR TASTER.- THAT'S A LITTLE OFFENSIVE.

- WHAT DO YOU THINK"SUGAR TASTER" MEANS?

- I DON'T KNOW.

I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU THINKTHAT HE TASTES SUGAR.

- WHY DO YOU KEEP POINTINGTO THE BLACK PERSON?

- THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO KNOW.- THEY--

- "THEY"?

SADDLE SHINS.

- "SADDLE SHIN"?WHAT THAT MEAN?

- A BUNCH OF STINKIN'SADDLE SHINS.

- USE IN SENTENCE.- I JUST DID.

- THAT WAS SENTENCE?- YES.

CLINK-CLUNK.

- "CLINK-CLUNK"?

- CLINK-CLUNK.

- HEY, WE--WE DID THE RAILROADAND WE DID ALL THAT WORK,

AND THEN YOU COME BACKTO USE THIS KIND OF TERM?

- OKAY, THAT--IT'S NOTDIRECTED TOWARD ANYONE.

IT'S JUSTTHE WORD CLINK-CLUNK.

- WELL, I DON'T LIKE IT.- IT SOUNDS KIND OF OFFENSIVE.

- OKAY, OKAY. THIS ISALL GOOD RESEARCH, GUYS.

THANK YOU.

BISCUIT-NECK.

GOD HELP US IF WE EVERHAVE A BISCUIT-NECK

IN THE WHITE HOUSE.

WHY DOES "BISCUIT-NECK"OFFEND YOU?

- I DON'T KNOW.YOU SHOULDN'T SAY THAT.

- YOU SHOULDN'T SAY"BISCUIT-NECK"?

YOU GUYS ARE...

- I THOUGHT IT WAS SOMETHINGAGAINST WHITES.

- YOU THOUGHT "BISCUIT-NECK"WAS NEGATIVE TOWARD WHITES?

- YEAH.- I APPRECIATE IT.

SPOON-FACE.

- I DON'T LIKE THAT.- WHY?

- BECAUSE LOTS OF ASIANGOT ROUND FACES.

THEY MIGHT THINKYOU'RE TALKING ABOUT THEM.

- WHEN I THINK OF A SPOON,I THINK OF CONCAVE.

YOU THINK THAT'SAN ASIAN SLAM, HUH?

SPOON-FACE.- YEAH, BECAUSE--

- SPOON-FACE.

APPLE PICKER.

WHY ARE YOU OFFENDEDBY APPLE PICKER?

- 'CAUSE NO ONE CALL MEAN APPLE PICKER.

- WHAT IF YOU WERETO PICK AN APPLE?

- I'M STILL NOTAN APPLE PICKER.

LET ME FIND ONETHAT YOU ARE OKAY WITH.

WHICH ONE CAN I CALL YOU?

PINTO?- NO.

WATER FLAPS?- NO.

- CHIN BIRD?- NO.

- BUCKET DUNKER?- NO.

- DIRTY LEGS.- NAH.

- WHAT ABOUT DOOR DONKEY?- HELL NO.

- YOU FINE WITH "TEN EYES"?- TO A DEGREE.

- TEN EYES IT IS.

WELL, THANK YOU ALLFOR YOUR TIME.

YOU CAN COLLECT YOUR $10ON YOUR WAY OUT.

- $10?

- YEAH, YOU SPOON-FACEAPPLE PICKER.

CAREFUL USING THOSE TERMS,YOU GUYS.

IT'S A SLIPPERY SLOPE.

I'M PRETTY SURE YOU ALSOSHOULDN'T SAY "SLIPPERY SLOPE."

[audience ohs]

ANIMALS THRIVE IN CAPTIVITY.

NOW I'M FULL.

[laughter]

[audience ohs]

NOW I'M HUNGRY AGAIN.

LOOK ATALL THAT AIDS PUDDING.

WHAT WOULD MAKE THIS BETTERIS IF YOU WERE EATING IT

OFF A GIRL GORILLA'S TITTIES.

ARE YOU SAYING TO YOURSELF,"I HOPE HE DOES IT AGAIN"?

HEY, KOKO,WHAT'S SIGN LANGUAGE

FOR "YOU'REFUCKING DISGUSTING"?

HE KEEPS PUKING UPTHE SAME SHIT OVER AND OVER,

JUST LIKE WES ANDERSON.

YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY,DANIEL SEE, DANIEL DO.

[laughter]

- PANCAKES, PANCAKES,PANCAKES, PANCAKES!

- ALL RIGHT, YOU LITTLEMONSTERS, EAT UP.

[sighs]

AFTER BREAKFAST,I KILLED ONE OF THOSE KIDS

BECAUSE HE DIDN'TSMELL RIGHT.

LOOK IT UP, EVOLUTION,CHAPTER 6, VERSES 21 THROUGH 24.

WHAT'S NEXT?