Kreischer, Tig, Ryan, Earthquake

  • Season 4, Ep 0411
  • 02/01/2001

WE ALL GOTTA GET ALONG.

THAT'S WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT, HUH?

TOO MUCH HATRED IN THE WORLD.

WE ALL GOTTA BE AS ONE, MAN.

(APPLAUSE)

I APPRECIATE-- YEAH.

I APPRECIATE SEEING THE MIX HERE

TONIGHT, MAN, AND TO CELEBRATE

EVERYONE BEING TOGETHER AND

ENJOYING EACH OTHER AND LIVING

TOGETHER, I WROTE A LITTLE POEM

ABOUT TOGETHERNESS.

"WHY CAN'T WE ALL GET ALONG?

TREAT EACH OTHER REAL NICE-LIKE.

BLACK OR WHITE, CHINESE OR

INDONESIAN, INDIAN OR ESKIMO,

WE'RE ALL THE SAME.

EVERYBODY FARTS AND GOES POO.

(LAUGHTER)

TREAT YOUR NEIGHBOR REAL

NICE-LIKE.

INVITE THEM OVER FOR DINNER.

SERVE THEM PEAS, STEAK, OR FISH.

IT DOESN'T MATTER.

EVENTUALLY, JUST LIKE YOU,

THEY'LL HAVE TO FART AND POO.

SO BE REAL NICE-LIKE.

DO IT TODAY.

OR THIS JIVE-ASS HONEY-GLAZED

HONKEY IS GONNA STEP UP ON YOU,

AND WHEN HONKEY STEPS UP ON YOU,

HONKEY IS IN THE HOUSE WITH

G-MONEY RIPTIDE APPLESAUCE MEAT

SLAP, YO!"

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

I NEVER SCORE BROADS LIKE THAT,

MAN.

NOT WITH A NAME LIKE "BERT."

YEAH, CHICKS, I SEE THE LOOKS

IN YOUR EYES.

YOU'RE ALL, "OH, I DON'T LIKE

THAT ALREADY.

I COULDN'T CALL THAT OUT IN BED

IN THE THROES OF PASSION.

ALL, OH!

OH! BERT!

(LAUGHTER)

OH! OH! BERT!

OH! OH! BERT!

I'M WHAT YOU CALL A FUNCTIONING

ALCOHOLIC.

ANY--?

OKAY, JUST ME.

(CHEERING)

ANYONE BLACK OUT IN HERE WHEN

THEY DRINK?

YEAH?

HEY! L.A.'S AN EXPENSIVE TOWN

TO BLACK OUT IN, MAN.

IT IS!

'CAUSE YOU TAKE OUT 200 BUCKS

THINKING YOU'RE GONNA HAVE,

LIKE, A GREAT TIME WITH YOUR

BUDDIES.

YOU'RE ALL, "OH!

THIS IS GONNA LAST TILL TOMORROW

NIGHT!

I'LL PAY FOR EVERYTHING!"

NEXT THING YOU KNOW YOU'RE DOING

BODY SHOTS WITH A GUY NAMED

JULIO ON THE BAR.

YOU'RE ALL, "I LOVE YOU, JULIO!"

IT'S LIKE, "YO, TAMBIEN."

YOU WAKE UP THE NEXT MORNING,

RIGHT?

IN YOUR BATHROOM, NO SHIRT ON,

A QUARTER STUCK TO YOUR BACK.

REACH INTO YOUR POCKET FOR YOUR

MONEY, AND NOTHING.

YOU'RE LIKE, "WHERE'D ALL MY

MONEY GO?

I HAD LIKE 200 BUCKS!

DID I HIDE IT FROM MYSELF?"

THE ONLY THING SCARIER THAN THAT

IS, SAME SCENARIO, BUT YOU REACH

INTO YOUR POCKET AND FIND 750

BUCKS, YOU'RE LIKE, "OH, WHAT

THE (BLEEP) DID I DO LAST

NIGHT?"

(LAUGHTER)

(AUDIENCE GROANS)

I WAS AT A BOWLING ALLEY WITH

POPPING A FEW TOPS, GETTING LIKE

BOWLING ALLEY DRUNK, YOU KNOW?

YOU GET REALLY DRUNK YOU'RE

SAYING "HOWDY" AND CRAP LIKE

THAT.

AND I GO IN TO TAKE A PISS,

RIGHT?

AND YOU KNOW HOW WHEN YOU WALK

INTO THE BATHROOM THERE'S LIKE

FIVE URINALS LINED UP, THERE'S

ALWAYS ONE DROPPED DOWN FOR THE

KIDS, YOU KNOW?

I ACCIDENTALLY PEED IN THE KIDS'

ONE.

LIKE I GOT UP THERE, I THOUGHT

I WAS A GIANT AT FIRST.

I WAS, LIKE, WHAT HAPPENED?

(LAUGHTER)

"I'VE GOTTEN SO BIG!

I GOTTA SHOW EVERYONE THIS!"

AND THEN IT DAWNED ON ME, OKAY,

I'M PEEING IN THE KIDS' ONE.

AND YOU KNOW HOW LITTLE KIDS ARE

SO ANIMATED WHEN THEY HAVE TO

PEE.

THEY'RE ALL...

AND HE LOOKS, AND HE SEES I'M

PEEING IN HIS URINAL, AND IT'S

TIME FOR HIM TO GRADUATE TO

THE BIG-BOY URINAL, YOU KNOW?

ALL IN ONE BREATH.

AND SO HE LOOKS AT ME, AND HE,

LIKE, GOES OVER TO THE URINAL

NEXT TO ME.

IT'S A LITTLE TALL, AND HE

UNDOES HIS PANTS AND DROPS 'EM

DOWN TO HIS KNEES.

YOU KNOW, HIS BUTT'S ALL SHOWING

LIKE A LITTLE KID.

AND HE LOOKS, AND HE'S TOO

SHORT, LIKE HE DOESN'T FIT.

SO HE TRIES TO TIPPY-TOE,

YOU KNOW?

LIKE, TO, STRETCHING IT AND

STUFF.

IT'S NOT GOING.

(LAUGHTER)

AND SO HE, LIKE, TRIES TO

RAINBOW IT IN BY DOING THE

"MATRIX" LEAN-BACK.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

BUT IT'S STILL NOT GOING, RIGHT?

AND I'M THINKING, I'M LIKE,

YOU KNOW, I GOTTA SAY--

THIS IS AWKWARD NOW, RIGHT?

ALL OF A SUDDEN I SEE IT CLICK

IN HIS HEAD, YOU KNOW, LIKE,

OH, I GOT IT!

HE REACHES UP IN THAT STEEL POLE

BEHIND THE URINAL, AND LIKE

SYLVESTER STALLONE IN

"CLIFFHANGER," LIFTS HIMSELF UP,

AND PLOPS HIS TWIGS'N'BERRIES

INSIDE THE URINAL LIKE HE'S AN

ELEPHANT!

(AUDIENCE GROANS)

NO, THAT'S WHAT I WAS SAYING!

I'M LIKE, "OH MY GOD, THIS IS

MY FAULT THIS KID'S GONNA GET

THE CLAP, YOU KNOW?

'CAUSE HE'S ON THE URINAL MINT.

AND I'M LIKE, I CAN'T LET THIS

HAPPEN, THIS POOR KID, SO,

AND I'M DRUNK, RIGHT?

AND I LEAN OVER TO SAY TO HIM--

I DON'T KNOW WHAT CAME OUT OF

MY MOUTH, ALL RIGHT.

ALL I KNOW IS THAT, LIKE,

TWO WORDS INTO MY SENTENCE,

THIS KID REALIZES I'M WATCHING

HIM PISS, AND FREAKS, OKAY?

HE'S ALL, "AAAAHHHH!"

AND STARTS FREAKING OUT.

AND NOW I'M SCARED LIKE LENNY

FROM "OF MICE AND MEN," I'M ALL,

"YOU BE QUIET.

YOU BE QUIET!

BE QUIET!

YOU BE QUIET!"

THANK YOU VERY MUCH

AND AFTER THAT RUN I'M SPENT.

(LAUGHTER)

SO MY NAME IS TIG.

IT'S NOT REAL COMMON.

PEOPLE ALWAYS HAVE TROUBLE WITH

IT.

ESPECIALLY OVER THE PHONE.

I WAS ON THIS CALL WITH THIS

GUY, AND WE WERE GOING TO HANG

UP, AND HE'S LIKE "ALL RIGHT,

WELL, LOOK,I DON'T FEEL REAL

COMFORTABLE CALLING YOU THIS,

BUT I GUESS I'LL SEE YA TONIGHT,

PIG."

(LAUGHTER)

AND I WAS LIKE, "WELL, YOU KNOW,

TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH, I DON'T

FEEL REAL COMFORTABLE WITH YOU

CALLING ME 'PIG' EITHER."

(LAUGHTER)

I SAID, "'CAUSE MY NAME'S

ACTUALLY 'TIG.'"

AND HE SAID, "YEAH, THAT'S WHAT

I SAID, 'PIG.'"

(LAUGHTER)

I SAID, "NO, IT'S 'TIG'

WITH A 'T.'"

AND HE SAID, "OH, I'M SORRY.

'TIT.'"

(LAUGHTER)

SO EVENTUALLY I WAS JUST LIKE,

"YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.

IT'S 'PIG-TIT.'"

(LAUGHTER)

I WENT ON A HARD-CORE DRINKING

AND SMOKING BINGE.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

IT LASTED RIGHT ABOUT NINE

MONTHS.

AND THEN AS SOON AS I WAS BORN--

(LAUGHTER)

I WAS LIKE, "WHOO!

DO NOT GO IN THERE!"

(LAUGHTER)

NO, BUT MY MOTHER'S SOBER NOW.

OR AT LEAST THAT'S WHAT I THINK

SHE WAS SAYING.

AFTER I MOVED OUT OF THE HOUSE

I USED TO COME HOME TO VISIT,

AND WE'D SIT UP 'TIL ALL HOURS

OF THE NIGHT TALKING, AND SHE'D

BE HAVING A COCKTAIL, AND SHE'D

SAY, "TIG, TELL ME SOME MORE

STORIES ABOUT WHAT YOU WERE LIKE

AS A CHILD."

(LAUGHTER)

AND, UM, SEEMS LIKE ONE ISSUE

COULD KINDA COVER EVERYTHING.

(LAUGHTER)

BUT EVERY MONTH SHE KEEPS

READING IT, AND SENDS IN MONEY

FOR THE NEXT ISSUE, AND FINALLY

THEY CONTACTED HER.

THEY WERE LIKE, "LOOK.

WE DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO TELL

YA.

(LAUGHTER)

I GUESS JUST KEEP RUNNING."

(LAUGHTER)

(LAUGHS)

SO I GUESS I HAVE TO HEAD OUT OF

HERE.

I HAVE A CAT AT HOME.

SHE'S AN INDOOR CAT.

SHE'S NEVER BEEN OUTSIDE.

SHE HAS NO IDEA THAT THERE'S

EVEN AN OUTDOORS.

SHE THINKS THAT WHEN I LEAVE FOR

THE DAY I'M JUST STANDING ON THE

OTHER SIDE OF THE DOOR FOR 12

HOURS.

THEN I JUST COME BACK INSIDE.

BUT SHE'S A LOW-MAINTENANCE CAT.

SHE SLEEPS ALL THE TIME.

ALL DAY LONG SHE'S SLEEPING,

AND ALL NIGHT LONG SHE'S

SLEEPING.

AND THEN ONE DAY IT DAWNED ON ME

THAT...

(LAUGHTER)

MAYBE I SHOULD JUST GO AHEAD

AND PUT HER TO SLEEP.

I THINK THAT'S WHAT SHE WOULD

WANT.

(LAUGHTER)

IF SHE HAD THE ENERGY,

SHE'D SAY, "PUT ME DOWN.

I'M EXHAUSTED."

I'M ALL SET UP.

GOT MY COUCH.

AND I HAVE CABLE.

IT'S ALL YOU NEED.

THEN THERE ARE CERTAIN CHANNELS

THAT I DON'T NEED.

LIKE MTV.

(AUDIENCE GROANS)

I DON'T NEED MTV.

I WATCH MTV NOW JUST TO SEE HOW

UNCOOL I'VE BECOME.

I WAS WATCHING THE OTHER NIGHT,

AND THEY PLAYED THE NEW

BRITNEY SPEARS VIDEO.

(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND BOOS)

I FIND HER MUSIC TO BE

COMPLETELY UNLISTENABLE.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

BUT IT'S NOT UNWATCHABLE.

(CHEERING)

YOU KNOW, I ACTUALLY RAN INTO

BRITNEY SPEARS ONE TIME IN

PERSON, BUT I DIDN'T RECOGNIZE

HER WITHOUT THE WORD "MUTE"

WRITTEN OVER HER ON THE SIDE.

(LAUGHTER)

THAT'S BEST WAY TO WATCH IT.

"OH, YEAH, NOW I SEE IT, OKAY.

THERE'S THE HOOPLA."

SO I'VE BEEN TRAVELING A LOT.

YEAH.

JUST DID A WEEK IN LAS VEGAS.

YEAH.

I WAS PLAYING BLACKJACK, AND I

SWEAR TO GOD THIS HAPPENED.

AT ONE POINT WE'RE PLAYING,

YOU KNOW, AND THIS HOMELESS GUY

COMES SHUFFLING UP TO THE TABLE,

PULLS OUT FIVE OF THE MOST

WRINKLED ONE-DOLLAR BILLS YOU

WILL EVER SEE, AND JUST GOES,

"LET IT RIDE."

WE'RE ALL SITTING THERE GOING,

"OH MAN, DON'T DO IT.

IT'S NOT AS THOUGH YOU'VE BEEN

ALL THAT LUCKY UP TO THIS POINT

IN YOUR LIFE.

YOU MAY HAVE NOTICED A TREND

BY NOW.

THINGS DON'T USUALLY GO YOUR

WAY."

"NOPE, LET IT RIDE."

ALL HE WANTED TO DO WAS DOUBLE

HIS LIFE SAVINGS.

THE DEALER DEALS THE CARDS,

THE HOMELESS GUY GETS A 20

AND THE DEALER HAS A 16.

AND WE'RE ALL THINKING, "YES!

HE'S GONNA WIN."

THE ONLY WAY THE DEALER COULD

WIN IS IF THE DEALER GETS

EXACTLY A FIVE.

THE ODDS OF THAT HAPPENING

ARE VERY REMOTE.

UNLESS YOU HAPPEN TO BE A

HOMELESS GUY WHO'S TRYING

TO TURN HIS LIFE AROUND.

(LAUGHTER)

NEXT CARD UP?

A FIVE.

IT WAS LIKE, OH, IT WAS SO SAD,

YOU KNOW?

AND YOU COULD TELL.

NOT ONLY DID HE HIT ROCK BOTTOM,

HE HIT ROCK BOTTOM AGAIN.

(LAUGHTER)

MY LAST ROCK BOTTOM WAS LIKE,

OH, MAN, MY CALLER I.D. BROKE,

YOU KNOW?

PHONE TECHNOLOGY'S OUT OF

WE HAVE CELL PHONES, WE HAVE

BEEPERS.

AND YET, WE ALSO HAVE, YOU EVER

CALL ONE OF THESE PLACES,

YOU GET THAT MENU, AND PART OF

THE MENU IS, "IF YOU'RE CALLING

FROM A ROTARY PHONE, STAY ON

THE LINE AND SOMEONE WILL BE

WITH YOU SHORTLY."

YOU KNOW WHAT IT SHOULD SAY?

"IF YOU'RE CALLING FROM A ROTARY

PHONE, PUSH-BUTTON PHONES ARE

AVAILABLE AT WAL-MART FOR

$12.00.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

IT'S NOT FAIR.

ALL THEY HAVE TO DO IS STAY ON

THE LINE AND SOMEONE WILL BE

WITH THEM, SHORTLY.

THE REST OF US HAVE TO PAY

ATTENTION.

THAT'S A LOT OF PRESSURE,

YOU KNOW?

WHEN THAT MENU BEGINS YOU'RE

LIKE, "ALL RIGHT.

THIS TIME I AM NOT GONNA DRIFT.

(LAUGHTER)

THE MENU BEGINS, THEN YOUR

A.D.D. KICK IN, AND BING!

YOU'RE LIKE, "SHOULD I GO TO

THE GROCERY STORE FIRST AND THEN

COME BACK HOME?"

AND THEN VAGUELY IN THE BACK OF

YOUR HEAD...

(IMITATES PHONE VOICE BABBLING)

PRESS ONE."

YOU'RE LIKE, "OH, DAMNIT,

I MISSED NUMBER ONE!"

I ALWAYS MISS ONE, AND NUMBER

ONE HAS ALL THE REALLY GOOD

OPTIONS.

"IF YOU'RE CALLING ABOUT PAYMENT

OF YOUR BILL PRESS TWO."

WELL, TECHNICALLY, I'M CALLING

ABOUT NON-PAYMENT OF MY BILL.

I BETTER WAIT.

THERE'S PROBABLY SOMETHING MORE

SUITED FOR MY NON-PAYMENT NEEDS

FURTHER DOWN THE MENU.

'CAUSE YOU NEVER WANT TO COMMIT

TOO SOON TO THE WRONG NUMBER.

YOU EVER MAKE THAT MISTAKE?

"OH YEAH, THIS IS ME."

"BEEP."

AND THEN YOU'RE LIKE, "OH NO."

(LAUGHTER)

YOU'RE CAUGHT IN THE MAZE.

"I'LL NEVER FIND MY WAY BACK TO

THE MAIN MENU.

NONE OF THESE OPTIONS HAVE

ANYTHING TO DO WITH MY LITTLE

PROBLEM.

AND THEN YOU REALIZE,

I GOTTA GET ME ONE OF THEM

ROTARY PHONES."

(LAUGHTER)

GOOD TO BE IN LOS ANGELES!

YEAH!

FINE WHITE WOMEN, I SEE Y'ALL

OUT HERE.

I WAS GONNA GET ME A WHITE

WOMAN.

BUT O.J. DONE MESSED IT UP

FOR EVERYBODY.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

HE DONE SET INTER-RACIAL DATING

BACK A THOUSAND YEARS.

WHITE WOMEN BE COMING UP TO ME,

"MMM-MMM.

BACK UP, BACK UP, BLACKIE.

IT'S HOT RIGHT NOW.

PUT YOUR NUMBER ON THE GROUND,

WALK AWAY.

I GOTTA KICK IT TO THE CAR,

KICK IT TO THE CAR."

BEING OUT HERE IN L.A.--

I'M FROM WASHINGTON, D.C.--

THEY TALKING ABOUT, THERE WAS A

RAP WAR.

YOU KNOW, EAST COAST,

WEST COAST, BIG E., TUPAC.

I KNOW WHO KILLED BIG E.

AND TUPAC.

IT WAS HAMMER!

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

AND VANILLA ICE DROVE THE

GETAWAY CAR.

AND THESE MOVIES COMING OUT.

NOW THEY COMING OUT WITH A

"HOME ALONE PART IV."

COME ON, MAN.

THE SAME WHITE DUDE'S FAMILY

GETTING LOCKED UP FOR LEAVING

THEIR KIDS HOME ALONE.

YOU SEE BLACK PEOPLE?

WE DIDN'T KNOW THAT WAS A

CHARGE, LEAVING YOUR KIDS HOME.

'CAUSE MY MOTHER USED TO LEAVE

US HOME ALL ALONE, ALL THE TIME!

WE USED TO WAKE UP IN THE

MORNING, FIND NOTHING BUT A

NOTE.

"DON'T TOUCH (BLEEP)!

YOU FOOD IN THE KITCHEN.

READ THE NOTE, GO RIGHT BACK

UPSTAIRS."

BUT YOU GOTTA GIVE WHITE KIDS

SOME CREDIT, THOUGH.

THINGS AIN'T RIGHT AT HOME,

THEY CALL THE POLICE ON 'EM.

Y'ALL GOT 1-800 NUMBERS AND ALL

THAT.

SEE, WE WOULD NEVER CALL THE

POLICE ON OUR MOTHER.

WE'D BE TOO SCARED THAT BITCH

BE ON THE OTHER END.

PHONE WOULD RING, "RING!"

"HELLO?"

"DIDN'T I TELL Y'ALL--"

"OH, THAT'S MOM ON THE PHONE!

SHE GONNA WHIP OUR ASS WHEN SHE

GET HOME!

(BABBLING)

WE AIN'T NEVER GONNA GET TO GO

OUTSIDE!

HERE SHE COME RIGHT NOW!

HERE SHE COME!"

(LAUGHTER)

I'M TIRED OF TV.

GET ON MY NERVES.

OPRAH: USED TO LOVE HER.

BUT WATCHING "OPRAH" SO MUCH,

I HAVE LEARNED.

NO MATTER WHO'S ON HER SHOW,

WHATEVER THEY'VE BEEN THROUGH,

OPRAH DONE BEEN THROUGH IT, TOO.

(LAUGHTER)

"I GOT A SLEEP DISORDER."

"ME, TOO!"

(LAUGHTER)

"I BEEN HIT BY A CAR."

"ME, TOO!"

(LAUGHTER)

AND WHITE PEOPLE, Y'ALL GET

OPRAH TO TELL ALL Y'ALL'S FAMILY

SECRETS.

BLACK PEOPLE, WE HAVE FAMILY

SECRETS.

BUT WE KEEP 'EM TO OURSELVES,

UNTIL FAMILY REUNION TIME.

SEE, WHEN THEM FAMILIES GET

TOGETHER SOME SECRETS COMING

OUT, AND IT'S USUALLY FROM THAT

DRUNK UNCLE.

I REMEMBER LAST YEAR,

I SAY, "UNCLE, TELL MY FATHER,

LOAN ME FIVE DOLLARS."

HE GONNA GET UP, TALKING ABOUT,

"THAT AIN'T YO DADDY."

(LAUGHTER)

I'M LIKE, "WHAT?"

"TELL HIM THE TRUTH!

TELL HIM THE TRUTH!

I CAN'T LIE TO HIM NO LONGER!

I'M YO DADDY, BOY!

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