Hari Kondabolu, Mark Normand, Ben Kronberg, Wyatt Cenac

  • 07/20/2012

Mark Normand sees the allure of dating a manly man, and Ben Kronberg knows that heaven isn't wheelchair accessible.

YOU DESERVE SYMPATHY,

AND IT'S ALLBECAUSE OF THESE THINGS.

YOU ARE (bleep)BECAUSE OF THESE,

'CAUSE ALL YOU'RE DOING ISFILMING EACH OTHER ALL DAY LONG

AND THEN UPLOADING THE FOOTAGETO THE INTERNET

WHERE IT WILL BE FOREVER.

AND EVEN YOUR RESPONSE THEREDOESN'T SEEM TO SUGGEST

THAT YOU THINKTHAT'S A PROBLEM.

FOREVER,IT WILL BE THERE FOREVER.

BECAUSE OF CELL PHONES YOU ARELEAVING WAY TOO MUCH EVIDENCE

FOR THE REST OF HISTORYOF WHAT YOU ARE ACTUALLY LIKE.

NO OTHER EMPIREHAS HAD THIS PROBLEM.

LOOK AT ANCIENT EGYPT.

WHAT IS THE FIRST THINGYOU THINK OF

WHEN YOU THINK OFANCIENT EGYPT?PHARAOHS.

PHARAOHS.

WHAT IS THE SECOND THINGYOU THINK OF?

(laughter)

BECAUSE NOBODY EVER THINKSABOUT PHARAOHS FIRST.

NOBODY, NOBODY.

ANCIENT EGYPT, "OH, PHARAOHS,JOHN, PHARAOHS."

THEN I GUESS GRAIN.

THEY WERE A GRAIN-BASED NATION,WEREN'T THEY?

TRY AGAIN.THE PYRAMIDS.

PYRAMIDS, THAT'S RIGHT.THAT'S RIGHT.

(laughter and applause)

PYRAMIDS, PYRAMIDS,

AND THEN LITERALLYNOTHING ELSE,

DEFINITELY NOT PHARAOHS.

AND HOW LUCKY.

HOW LUCKY FOR THE ANCIENTEGYPTIANS TO BE JUDGED

BY THEIR GREATEST ACHIEVEMENT,THEIR PYRAMIDS,

AND NOT THE FACTTHAT MOST ANCIENT EGYPTIANS,

JUST LIKE MOST PEOPLE ALIVEIN ANY COUNTRY AT ANY TIME,

WERE PROBABLY(bleep) IDIOTS,

KICKING EACH OTHER IN THE BALLS,PUSHING EACH OTHER OVER,

WALKING AROUNDLIKE THIS ALL DAY.

OH, SURE,THAT LOOKS MAJESTIC

WHEN IT'S PAINTEDON THE SIDE OF A CAVE,

BUT IF YOU ACTUALLY SAWFOOTAGE OF PEOPLE ACTUALLY

WALKING AROUND LIKE THISCOMMUTING TO WORK...

"OH, WE STILLHAVE A WAY TO GO."

IF YOU ACTUALLY SAW FOOTAGEOF THAT HAPPENING,

YOU'RE ONLY RESPONSEWOULD BE,

"WHAT THE (bleep) IS WRONGWITH THESE PEOPLE,

AND WHY DO THEY KEEPSTARING AT CATS?"

I WAS DOING A SHOWIN DENMARK LAST YEAR.

I DON'T KNOW WHY.

UM, IT DIDN'T GOPARTICULARLY WELL.

NOT REALLY THE TARGETDEMOGRAPHIC FOR THIS CAREER,

BUT I GOT HECKLED IN A WAYI'VE NEVER BEEN HECKLED BEFORE.

A MAN GOT UPIN THE MIDDLE OF MY SHOW,

AND HE INTERRUPTED,AND HE SAID,

"HEY!

GO BACK TO AMERICA."

WOW.

(laughter)

IT'S AMAZING,IT'S AMAZING

BECAUSE I'VE BEEN TOLD TO GOBACK TO SO MANY COUNTRIES

AND UH...

(laughter)

NEVER TO AMERICA.

UH, I'VE BEEN TOLD IRAQ,AFGHANISTAN, LIBYA,

WHATEVER COUNTRYWE'RE BOMBING...

I'M TOLD TO GO BACK THERE

AT PERHAPS THE LEASTOPPORTUNE TIME TO GO BACK.

I LIKE TRAVELINGINTERNATIONALLY,

BUT I DON'T LIKETHE BUREAUCRACY,

LONG LINES OF CUSTOMSAND IMMIGRATION.

APPARENTLY,AUSTRALIA IS THE WORST

BECAUSE IT'S SO FAR AWAYFROM THE REST OF THE WORLD

THAT THEY'RE REALLY STRICTABOUT YOU NOT BRINGING IN

PLANTS OR FRUITINTO THEIR COUNTRY

BECAUSE THEY'RE WORRIED IFFOREIGN BODIES ENTER AUSTRALIA,

THEY'LL KILL PEOPLEAND DESTROY THE ENVIRONMENT,

WHICH ISA VERY FAIR POINT,

BECAUSE IF YOU ASKTHE ABORIGINES,

THEY WOULD TELL YOU THATSOMETIMES FOREIGN BODIES...

ENTER AUSTRALIA,KILL PEOPLE,

DESTROY THE ENVIRONMENT.

FOR THOSE OF YOUWHO DIDN'T KNOW,

THE THEME OF MY SET TONIGHTWILL BE COLONIALISM...

(laughter and cheers)

WHICH IS WHY I WILL BE SPEAKINGONLY IN ENGLISH.

(laughter)

WE'VE NEVER HAD A FEMALEPRESIDENT IN THIS COUNTRY,

WHICHI FIND STUNNING.

IT'S AMAZING THAT WE'VE NEVERHAD A FEMALE PRESIDENT,

AND A BIG PART OF THAT IS THATWE HAVE MEN IN THIS COUNTRY

THAT ARE SO SEXISTTHAT THEY SAY THINGS LIKE,

"WE CAN'T HAVEA WOMAN PRESIDENT

BECAUSE YOU KNOWWHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN

IF WE ELECT A WOMAN, RIGHT?

LIKE, ONCE A MONTHSHE'S GONNA HAVE A PERIOD

AND HAVE PMS AND GO CRAZY.

SHE'LL RUIN THE COUNTRY."

WE HAVE MEN WHO ACTUALLYBELIEVE THAT A WOMAN

BECAUSE OF HER BIOLOGYHAS HER JUDGMENT IMPAIRED

ONCE A MONTH.

WELL, I'M A MAN WITHA PENIS AND TESTICLES.

MY JUDGMENT IS IMPAIREDEVERY FIVE TO SEVEN MINUTES.

(laughter and applause)

AND I'LL BE HONEST WITH YOU.

I WAKE UP SOME MORNINGSWITH MY JUDGMENT IMPAIRED.

(laughter)

THAT JOKE, OF COURSE,ANSWERS THE QUESTION,

HARI KONDABOLU, CAN YOU WRITEA FEMINIST (bleep) JOKE?

YEAH.

IT'S GOOD TO BE HERE.

I'M IN A BIT OF A WEIRDPLACE RIGHT NOW. UH.

I BUMPED INTO THE EX-GIRLFRIENDON THE STREET RECENTLY.

I WASN'T READY FOR THAT ONE.

SHE LOOKED GREAT.

SHE WAS THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY.

WE DATED FOR SIX YEARS.

SHE DUMPED ME OUT OF THE BLUE

'CAUSE SHE SAIDI WASN'T MANLY ENOUGH FOR HER.

AND AT THAT TIMEI LIKED HER SO MUCH,

I WAS LIKE,"I'LL DO ANYTHING YOU WANT.

WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO,

WORK OUT, JOIN THE ARMY,HIT YOU?

WHATEVER YOU NEED,I'LL DO IT."

SHE WAS LIKE, "LOOK,I JUST NEED A MANLIER GUY.

I WAS LIKE, "TELL ME WHATYOU WANT AND I'LL DO IT."

SHE'S LIKE, "ALRIGHT, FINE.

I WANT A GUY WHO WILL PAYFOR EVERYTHING,

SUPPORT ME FINANCIALLY,ALWAYS DRIVE,

ALWAYS OPEN THE DOOR FOR ME,PROTECT ME."

I'M LIKE, "LET ME STOP YOURIGHT THERE--NOT A MAN"

GOOD LORD, OF COURSEYOU WANNA DATE THAT GUY.

THAT GUY SOUNDS AMAZING.

I WOULD DATE THAT GUY,YOU KNOW.

MY FRIENDS WOULD BE LIKE,"HEY, MARK, ARE YOU GAY NOW?"

I'M LIKE, HOLD ON,YOU HAVEN'T MET JEFF.

(laughter)

THIS GUY IS INCREDIBLE.

HE ALREADY BEAT UPMY HIGH SCHOOL BULLY,

PAID OFF MY STUDENT LOANS.

WE'RE GETTINGLOBSTER TONIGHT.

GOD, HE TREATS ME WELL,

BUT THE SEX IS BRUTAL.

(laughter)

BRUTAL SEX.

I AM IN A LOT OF PAIN HERE.I'LL TELL YOU THAT.

I'VE BEEN GOING TOA LOT OF GAY BARS LATELY

BECAUSE MY FRIENDWORKS AT ONE.

SO I'VE BEEN HANGING OUT THERE,

AND MY GUY FRIENDSARE BLOWN AWAY BY THIS.

THEY'RE LIKE,"DUDE, YOU GO TO GAY BARS?

THAT IS WEIRD.

IF SOME GAY GUY EVER HIT ON ME,I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WOULD DO."

HOW ABOUT YOU JUSTNOT HAVE SEX WITH THEM?

(laughter)

(cheers and applause)

YOU KNOW.

I NEVER GOT THAT, YOU KNOW.

YOU'RE MAD AT SOMEBODY BECAUSETHEY MIGHT FIND YOU ATTRACTIVE.

LIKE I'M NOT ATTRACTEDTO 90-YEAR-OLD WOMEN,

BUT IF ONE OF THEM PINCHED ONTHE CHEEK AND WAS LIKE,

"OH, MARK, YOU'RE SO CUTE,"I WOULDN'T BE LIKE,

"GET THE (bleep) OFF ME,BITCH!

I'LL KILL YA!"

(laughter)

I'M NOT GONNA LIE TO YOU GUYS.

I KIND OF LIKE GOINGTO GAY BARS.

YOU KNOW, GAY GUYS, AH...THEY MAKE ME FEEL SPECIAL.

YOU KNOW, LIKE LAST TIMEI WENT TO A GAY BAR,

SOME GUY THERETOLD ME I HAD PRETTY EYES.

THAT'S AMAZING.

NO WOMAN'S EVER TOLD ME THAT,YOU KNOW?

THIS GUY APPRECIATED ME FORMY LOOKS FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE,

AND I GOTTA TELL YOU,IT FELT PRETTY GOOD.

BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, LIKEIF I WANNA GET WITH A GIRL,

I'VE GOTTA USEMY PERSONALITY.

AND I'VE GOTTA BE HONEST,LADIES,

I'M GETTING REALLY SICKOF HAVING TO BRING IT

IN EVERY CONVERSATION,YOU KNOW?

IT WAS NICE JUSTTO BE ABLE TO KICK BACK

AND COAST ON THESE BEAUTIESFOR A MINUTE.

IT FELT PRETTY GOOD.

THAT WAS FOR YOU, GAY.

UM--(laughter)

BUT A BABY IN THE OVENIS HORRIFYING.

(laughter)

AND IF YOU GETA REALLY YOUNG GIRL PREGNANT,

IT'S LIKE A BUNIN THE EASY-BAKE OVEN

'CAUSE THEY COME OUTALL DOUGHY AND STUFF.

SHOULD I NOT DOTHAT PART OF THE JOKE?

(laughter)

IS THAT THE WORST PARTOF THE JOKE?

IT'S KIND OF LIKEI'M FONDLING A--

YEAH, I KNOW, OOH.

DO YOU GUYS KNOWWHY JESUS HEALS CRIPPLES?

JESUS HEALS CRIPPLES

'CAUSE HEAVEN ISN'TWHEELCHAIR ACCESSIBLE.

(laughter)

THAT (bleep) WAS BUILTWAY BEFORE WHEELCHAIRS.

BESIDES, IT'S A STAIRWAYTO HEAVEN, NOT A RAMP.

(laughter)

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