Joan Rivers & Dave Attell

  • Season 2, Ep 5
  • 08/06/2013

Anthony looks into the Muslim sense of humor and evaluates old-people sex; Joan Rivers and Dave Attell are on the Panel.

FIRST, IT'S BEEN A GREAT

WEEK.

LAST WEEKEND, CLEVELAND

KIDNAPPING VICTIM AMANDA

BERRY MADE HER FIRST PUBLIC

APPEARANCE AT A NELLY

CONCERT.

SHE SAID SHE BECAME A FAN

AFTER GETTING HOT IN THERE

AND TAKING OFFER ALL HER

CLOTHES.

>>.

[LAUGHTER]

>> THAT'S ACTUALLY A PRETTY

HARSH JOKE.

I'M SORRY, NELLY.

DID YOU GUYS HEAR ABOUT

THIS?

POLICE IN LOS ANGELES FIRED

TEAR GAS AT RIOTERS AFTER

THEY RAMPAGED FOLLOWING A

SURFING COMPETITION.

COPS ARRESTED EIGHT PEOPLE

AND HANGED TEN.

[LAUGHTER]

>> 17 MAGAZINE IS IN TROUBLE

AFTER IT PUBLISHED AN

ARTICLE ON ONLINE DATING.

SOME SAY IT COULDN'T MAKE IT

EASIER FOR TEEN GIRLS TO

MEET OLDER MEN, WHILE OTHERS

SAY, EXACTLY.

[LAUGHTER]

>> NOW, THIS IS CRAZY.

IN ARKANSAS, A PARALYZED MAN

WHO HAD RECENTLY ADOPTED A

DOG WOKE UP TO FIND THE DOG

HAD EATEN ONE OF HIS

TESTICLES.

DOCTORS ARE HOPING THEY CAN

REATTACH IT, IF THEY CAN

JUST GET THE DOG TO DROP THE

BALL.

COME ON, BOY.

DROP THE BALL.

DROP IT.

YEAH.

[APPLAUSE]

>> THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE.

OFFICIALS IN MISSOURI THINK

THE STATE MAY HAVE BEEN

ATTACKED BY ALIENS AFTER

FOUNDING A NUMBER OF COWS

WITH THEIR TONGUES, UDDERS,

ANUSES AND VAGINAS MISSING.

EITHER THAT OR SOMEONE WAS

MAKING HOT DOGS.

LAST WEEK A MAN IN NORTH

CAROLINA WAS ARREST EDITOR

BEATING HIS GIRLFRIEND WITH

A PIZZA.

YEAH.

THE POLICE REPORT DIDN'T

MENTION WHAT KIND OF PIZZA,

BUT THE DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

WAS AUTHENTIC ITALIAN.

[LAUGHTER]

>> THAT WAS A GREAT

MONOLOGUE.

LET'S SEE WHAT MY DAD HAS TO

SAY.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> ANTHONY, I'M LEAVING YOUR

MOTHER.

[LAUGHTER]

[LAUGHTER]

>> OUR NEXT SEGMENT IS OUT

WITH THE OLD.

JUST LIE BACK AND FORGET

ABOUT IT.

A RAPIDLY AGING POPULATION

HAS NURSING HOMES LIVING IN

FEAR OF A RAY LAWSUIT TIME

BOMB.

[CAR HORN].

>> THE PROBLEM IS DEMENTIA

PATIENTS HAVE SEX WITH EACH

OTHER BY MISTAKE.

GREAT TIME BOMB.

THAT'S WHAT I CALL MY WI-FI.

>> WHY DO YOU LOOK AT ME FOR

THIS?

[LAUGHTER]

>> I FEEL SORRY FOR PEOPLE

WITH DEMENTIA.

THEY HAVE NO BRAIN SO THEY

CAN'T [BLEEP] THEIR BRAINS

OUT.

NOTHING IS GOING TO HAPPEN.

>> I COULD SAY THAT'S NOT A

CATHETER.

WHAT IS THAT?

[LAUGHTER]

>> OH.

YOU NEED ONE IN THE FRONT

AND BACK.

OH.

I THINK THAT'S PRETTY GOOD.

>> YOU'RE BOTH YOUNG.

YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

OLD SEX IS THE BEST BECAUSE

THERE ARE NO ONE NIGHT

STANDS.

THIS IS A RELATIONSHIP JUST

TO GET THE OLD GUY OUT OF

THE CAR INTO YOUR HOUSE ON

THE BED, ON YOU OFF YOU,

DOWN THE STAIRS, BACK IN THE

CAR, FOUR DAYS.

RELATIONSHIP.

>> AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR

LATINO VOICES.

>> OH, GREAT.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[APPLAUSE]

>> JOAN!

JOAN RIVERS.

IS JENNIFER LAWRENCE REALLY

AS DOWN TO EARTH AS SHE

SEEMS OR IS IT A PERSONA

CAREFULLY CRAFTED FOR THE

PUBLIC EYE?

>> ACTUALLY WHAT MAKES ME

VERY SAD IS GERALDO, BECAUSE

HE'S ONE OF ME BEATS.

>> DAVID, RUDD DOING

ANYTHING FUN THIS WEEKEND?

>> WE SEE.

LISTEN, ASAY.

I WORK ON THE WEEKEND.

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