Bored of the Rings

  • Season 2, Ep 1
  • 10/03/2007

Sarah accidentally becomes a radical anti-abortion group's most passionate recruit, and a Dungeons & Dragons game interrupts Brian and Steve's date.

HERE COMES TROUBLE.WITH A CAPITAL "S."

JAY, A BUNCH OF NUT JOBS

ARE GONNA BLOW UP THE CLINIC.

OH, REALLY?WHO, THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND?

JAY...UHH!LISTEN TO ME!

IT WAS THE PEOPLEI WAS HERE

WITH OPERATION BABY JUSTICE.

THEY'RE, LIKE, FREAKISHLYOBSESSED WITH FETUSES.

DO YOU HAVE A QUESTIONFOR MY BOOBS?

WHAT?

OHH! NEVER MIND!

LAURA!

SARAH?SARAH?

SO THIS IS HOWYOU PROTECT BABIES, CAROL?

YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT LIFE.

SARAH, IT'S NOT LIKE THAT.

I WASN'T GONNA DETONATE THE BOMBTILL 5:30 IN THE MORNING--

5:30 IN THE MORNING?!

YEAH, WHEN I KNEWNO ONE WOULD BE HERE.

I JUST HADTO CHANGE THE PLAN

BECAUSE SHE CAUGHT MEPLANTING THE BOMB.

SO YOU WERE GONNA BLOW UPA BIG, NOISY BOMB

AT 5:30 IN THE MORNING,

WHEN YOU KNOW I'M ASLEEP?

YOU NEVERCARED ABOUT ME, CAROL.

[Lord of the Rings theme]

[dramatic choral music]

[rumbling]

IN THE NAME OF ODIN,GUIDE MINE ARROW HOME.

AAH! BRIAN!

[whimpering]

IT'S IN MY ASS!

JAY, PAUL!

THEY TRIEDTO BOMB THE CLINIC.

JUST HOLD IT, RIGHT THERE.

DON'T MAKE ANY MOVEMENTS.

TAKE THEM AWAY.

ARMS BEHIND YOUR BACK!

(James) YOU JUST...

HELLO, OLD FRIEND.

[whimpering]

HANG IN THERE, BUDDY.

IT'S ONLY GONNA HURTFOR A SECOND.

HE COULD BEBLEEDING INTERNALLY.

I'M A NURSE, NOT A DOCTOR.

I'M NOT TRAINED FOR THIS.I CAN'T!

I CAN DO IT.

PREP HIM.

OKAY.

[whimpering]OKAY, HERE.

I'VE ALWAYS BEENON THE RECEIVING END OF THIS.

IT'S WEIRD.

IT'S LIKE TYINGSOMEONE'S TIE FOR THEM.

I WISH I COULD DO ITIN A MIRROR OR SOMETHING.

[groaning]

OH! OHH HO HO!

HE'S READY.

IT'S ME, BUDDY.IT'S GONNA BE OKAY.

[machine whirs]

OHH! AHH!

[screams]

OH, GOD!

OHH HO HO HO!

SET IT ON SHAG.

AAH!

[metal clinking]

[machine shuts off]

YEAH.

MY WORK HERE IS DONE.

STITCH HIM UP, LAURA JANE.

HEY...

UM, I DON'T THINKI CAN MAKE THE SACRIFICES

YOU GUYS WANT ME TO MAKE.

I GUESS I'M JUST

STUBBORN AND STUCKIN MY WAYS, AND...

I'M GONNAHAVE TO SAY GOOD-BYE.

SARAH, I DON'TUNDERSTAND THIS DECISION.

YOU EVER JUST GET A SENSEABOUT SOMETHING, CAROL?

OF COURSE.

WELL, IT'S KIND OFLIKE THAT.

WHEN I GOT AN ABORTIONTHE LAST TIME,

JUST DIDN'T FEEL LIKETHE LAST TIME, YOU KNOW?

YOUR WICKEDNESSWILL BE PUNISHED!

THE ARC OF HISTORY IS LONG,BUT IT BENDS TOWARDS JUSTICE.

THAT CLINIC WILL BEWIPED OFF THE FACE OF THE MAP,

AND SOMEDAY,

SO WILL ALL THE CLINICS.

OHH, HOW LONGARE YOU GONNA TALK?

I MAY LIKE ABORTION,

BUT AT LEASTI'M NOT A BORE, SON.

MAN, DOUG, I'VE HADTHE CRAZIEST DAY.

LIKE, I MET THESE PEOPLE,AND AT FIRST,

THEY WERE REALLY NICE,YOU KNOW?

BUT THEN THEY'REALL LIKE,

"YOU HAVE TO BE LIKE THIS,

"AND YOU CAN'TDO THIS OR THAT.

"AND THE ARC OF HISTORYIS ALL LIKE THIS.

AND THE FREE CLINIC IS GONNABE WIPED OFF OF THAT."

[bell chimes]

WHAT WE'RE FOCUSED ONPRIMARILY

WHATEVER IT TAKES.

YOU'VE COME A LONG WAY, BABY.

NOW SOMEONE WANTSTO SHOOT YOU IN THE FACE.

WE ARE GONNA BLOW UPTHE ABORTION CLINIC!

[cheers and applause]

OH, MY GOD, LAURA.

AND MY ABORTIONS!

BRIAN, WE'VE GOTTO GET TO THE FREE CLINIC!

WHAT FOR?

BECAUSE I HAVEREASON TO BELIEVE

THEY'RE GONNA BLOW IT UP.

LET'S GO.

NOW DOESN'T SOUND LIKEA VERY GOOD TIME TO GO.

LAURA'S THERE!

BRIAN!

HEY, SARAH!

AND ACQUIRED HIS CLOAK

OF INVISIBILITY.

SO NOW IS NOT REALLYA GOOD TIME TO STOP.

WELL, I HOPE THEY HAVEDUNGEONS & DRAGONS IN HELL.

YOU GUYSARE TOTAL A-HOLES.

NO, WE'RE ACTUALLYREALLY GOOD PEOPLE.

IT WAS JUST THE SKI MASKAND THE GUN WAS THROWING ME OFF.

UH-OH, IT APPEARS

BUMDOR THE UPTIGHTHAS RETURNED.

DUDES, I'M SORRY.

I WAS A DICK BEFORE.

AND I WAS JUST...JEALOUS.

REALLY?

TRUTH IS,I JUST WANTED TO PLAY.

IT'S NOT THATI DON'T LIKE IT.

IT'S THAT I SUCK AT IT.

DUDE, I'D STILL BE GAYFOR YOU

EVEN IF YOU WEREA LEVEL ONE THIEF

WITH A CHARISMA OF TWO.

(all)AWW.

REALLY?

YEAH.YOU WANNA JOIN US?

REALLY?I CAN PLAY D&D WITH YOU GUYS?

NO.

THERE'S A MORE IMPORTANTADVENTURE

CALLING US TODAY.

STEVE'S RIGHT.

IT IS ABOUT TIME WE KICKED ASSIN THE REAL WORLD.

I MEAN, LOOK AT US.

FOR 20 YEARS, WE'VE CALLED OURSELVES WIZARDS

AND WHAT DO WE DOWHEN SARAH COMES BY

AND TELLS US SHE NEEDSA REAL HERO?

WHAT ARE YOUTALKING ABOUT?

THAT GROUP SHE'S BEEN HANGING OUT WITH

AND WE HAVE THE SKILLS

AND POWERS

AND CHARACTER TRAITSTO SAVE IT!

WE'VE BEEN PREPARING FOR THIS

FOR 20 YEARS!

[all cheer]

I AM GENERATOR,FROM THE CLAN OF ASHA--

MASTER OF THE IRON WAND!

I AM BEDMORE THE JUDICIOUS.

AND MY ARROW BE TRUE!

I AM HILDFRETH THE QUICK!

I CAN FLY!

WHOA! [thud]

[bushes rustling]

YOU GUYS SHOULDGO WITHOUT ME.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?WE NEED YOU.

I DON'T HAVE ANY SKILLS.

AND I'M NOT A FIGHTER.

YOU LOOK LIKE ONETO ME, BUDDY.

TODAY...

IS A GOOD DAY TO...

I DON'T GET IT.

SO YOU GUYSARE AGAINST ABORTION?

SARAH, ABORTION IS KILLING BABIES.

I GUESS I JUST ALWAYSTHOUGHT OF BABIES

AND SIT IN CRIBS.

NOT, LIKE, LITTLE, LIKE,LUMPY THINGS

ON THE SIDEOF MY UTERUS.

NO, SARAH,THOSE ARE BABIES TOO.

IT'S NOT FOR US TO JUDGEWHICH LIVES ARE VALUABLE

AND WHICH ARE NOT.

WE NEED TO DEFEND ALL LIVES.

ESPECIALLY THOSETHAT CAN'T DEFEND THEMSELVES.

THAT MAKES SENSE.

AAH! THAT WAS TENSEFOR A SECOND THERE.

[giggles]

SARAH, WHAT'S IMPORTANT

IS THAT NOWYOU KNOW WHAT'S RIGHT.

AND THAT, OF COURSE,

YOU CAN'T HAVEANY MORE ABORTIONS.

OH, NO, MY DOCTORSAYS I'M HEALTHY,

AND I CAN HAVE ANOTHER ONEWHEN I'M READY.

SARAH, IT'S NOTTHAT YOU CAN'T.

IT'S THAT YOU MUST NOT.

RIGHT.

WOW.

YOU KNOW,I'M GONNA GET SOME AIR.

♪ A FORK STUCK IN THE ROAD

♪ TIME GRABS YOU BYTHE WRIST ♪

♪ DIRECTS YOU WHERE TO GO

♪ SO MAKE THE BESTOF THIS TEST ♪

♪ AND DON'T ASK WHY

♪ IT'S NOT A QUESTION

♪ BUT A LESSON LEARNED IN TIME

♪ IT'S SOMETHING UNPREDICTABLE

♪ BUT IN THE END IS RIGHT

♪ I HOPE YOU HAD THE TIMEOF YOUR LIFE ♪

♪ SO TAKE THE PHOTOGRAPHS

♪ AND STILL FRAMESIN YOUR MIND ♪

♪ HANG IT ON A SHELFIN GOOD HEALTH ♪

♪ AND GOOD TIME

♪ TATTOOS OF MEMORIES

♪ AND DEAD SKIN ON TRIAL

♪ FOR WHAT IT'S WORTH,IT WAS WORTH ALL THE WHILE ♪

♪ IT'S SOMETHING UNPREDICTABLE

♪ BUT IN THE END IS RIGHT

IS MURDER ♪

♪ SO EDUCATE HER

♪ WHEN MOMMYMAKES A DECISION ♪

♪ YOU GOT TO READ HERTHE BIBLE ♪

DO YOU KNOW THAT TOYOTABACKWARDS IS "LATOYA"?

ACTUALLY, IT'S "ATOYOT."

OH, BUT STILL.

HEY, MISTER.

HELLO, MA'AM.

FOR BEINGUNLAWFULLY ENCHANTING.

OH, JAY.I'M KIDDING.

BUT--SO WHAT ARE YOUDOING HERE?

I THOUGHT YESTERDAYWAS YOUR DAY

FOR VOLUNTEER WORK.

YEAH, BUT THE MONDAYSOF THREE-DAY WEEKENDS

ARE ALWAYSBIG ABORTION DAYS.

OH, THAT'S RIGHT, YEAH.

BOY, THE WOMENTHAT COME THROUGH HERE--

IT'S AMAZING.

THEY'RE SO VULNERABLEAND LOST AND YOUNG.

YOU KNOW, THEY'REKIND OF JUST LIKE

LITTLE BABY POLAR BEARS,YOU KNOW.

YOU JUST WANNA, MM!

YOU WOULD BEAN EXCELLENT NURSE.

[laughs]

WELL, UH, GO AND HAVE SOME FUNIN THERE, HUH?

OKAY.

[crowd jeering]

SARAH?

[goofy voice]LAURA?

[laughing]THAT'S WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I'M PROTESTINGTHE KILLING OF BABIES.

LOOK, SARAH,IT'S COMPLICATED, OKAY?

THERE'S A LOT OF DIFFERENTWAYS TO LOOK AT IT--

BABY KILLER!

(all chanting)BABY KILLER! BABY KILLER!

BABY KILLER!BABY KILLER!

BABY KILLER! BABY KILLER!

BABY KILLER!BABY KILLER!

BABY KILLER! BABY KILLER!

BABY KILLER!

[crowd booing]

HEY!

HEY, DR. LYNCH.

SARAH, DO YOUKNOW HIM?

OH, YEAH, WELL, DR. LYNCHIS MY ABORTION DOCTOR.

YOU'VE HAD AN ABORTION?

WELL, I'VE HAD ABORTIONS.

ABORTAI.

SARAH, HOW MANYHAVE YOU HAD?

[trills]THREE. THREE?

WELL, THE FIRST TIMEI WAS A KID.

AND THEN THE SECOND TIME

WAS JUST NOTA GOOD TIME FOR ME.

A LOT GOING ON.

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