Workaholics
Season 2

Heist School

  • Season 2, Ep 1
  • 09/20/2011

When something they love is taken from them, the guys go undercover at a high school to investigate.

NAME HIM.- YEAH.

- YES, BUT IT'S GOTTO BE SOMETHING HARD.

IT IS BADASS.- YEAH, VERY BADASS.

- HELLO, "CEE LO GREEN."

- OOH, I LIKE THAT.

WHAT ABOUT "IVAN DRAGO-N,"

LIKE THE GUY WHO HADTHE SINISTER FLATTOP?

- "REPTAR," RIGHT?FROM RUGRATS.

THAT'S BADASS, DUDE.- YEAH.

- THAT WAS SUCH A TOMMY MOVEBY ME BY NAMING HIM THAT.

IT'S SO TOMMY.- WAIT.

SHOULD I GET A FLATTOP?

- I REALLY FEEL LIKE YOU GUYSAREN'T HEARING ME.

I CAME UPWITH THE PERFECT NAME.

IT'S "CEE LO GREEN."HE HAS THOSE--

THOSE SHORT, T-REX ARMS,AND, I MEAN, HE'S A THUG.

HE WAS IN GOODIE MOB.

- SO THAT'S A "NO"ON THE FLATTOP?

- HEY, [bleep] THE DRAGONS!

- WHAT?- HEY, HEY, HEY!

WATCH YOUR MOUTH!THIS IS A FAMILY NEIGHBORHOOD!

- YEAH![bleep] YOU, DICKHEAD!

- YEAH, YOU GOT A PROBLEMWITH REPTAR,

YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH ME!

- DID YOU SEE THAT POSEURWITH THE SKATEBOARD?

[Adam laughs, Anders scoffs]

- HEY, SKATEBOARDER DUDE,WHY DON'T YOU, UH,

FIND A REAL IDENTITY?'CAUSE YOU'RE LYING TO YOURSELF.

- I'M A TAXPAYER!WHAT ARE YOU?

A SAX PLAYER IN THE BAND,YOU IDIOT?

- OH, GET 'EM.

- YEAH, PROBABLY.THAT'S A COOL INSTRUMENT.

- NERD!- NERD!

- LET'S, UH--LET'S FINISHDRINKING SOME BEERS,

BECAUSE THE SWEETEST REVENGEIS LIVING WELL.

DARIUS RUCKER SAID IT,SO YOU KNOW IT'S REAL.

- I MISS DARIUS RUCKER.- YOU'RE RIGHT.

LET'S COOL OUR GUNS.- LOVE THAT SONG.

HE WAS IN BUSH, RIGHT?- I THINK NOT.

- WHAT DO YOU SAYWE FINISH THESE BEERS

AND, UH,CELEBRATE AT THE BAR?

- I LIKE IT.- I LIKE THAT IDEA.

DIBS ON YOUR HAIR GEL, DUDE.

- OUR DRAGONIS GONNA SEAL THE DEAL,

CEE LO GREEN STYLE.

- YEAH, DEFINITELY.BUT HIS NAME'S REPTAR.

- BUT IT'S ACTUALLYCEE LO GREEN.

- DON'T MAKE MESWING ON YOU, BRO.

- YEAH.- OH, YOU'RE GONNA SWING ON ME?

- ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.- I'LL SWING ON--

- OKAY,EVERYONE'S A TOUGH GUY!

EVERYBODY'S A TOUGH GUY!- SWING ON YOU, BRO.

- HOW ABOUT I SWINGRIGHT OVER THE TOP?

- KIYA! KIYA!

- WATCH IT, BRO.

I GOT THE MEANEST UPPERCUTIN FREAKING CUCAMONGA.

- [retching]- LET IT ALL OUT, LITTLE GUY.

OH, NICE!GOOD DISTANCE.

GOOD WORK, BUD.PROUD OF YOU.

DERS!DERS, WAKE UP! WAKE UP!

- WHAT'S UP?WE GOING TO THE BAR?

- THEY'RE ROBBING US!- OH, MY GOD. WHAT?

- NO! CEE LO!

- I GOT TO GET A PHOTO.I'M GONNA GET THE PLATES.

- COMING FOR YOU!- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- DERS!- WAIT. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- DERS, GRAB!- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- HELP! GRAB ME.DON'T LET GO!

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?- DON'T LET GO!

- I GOT YOU.I GOT YOU. I GOT YOU.

YOU ALL RIGHT?

- REPTAR!

- I GOT A PICTURE.- DID YOU TAKE IT FOR ME?

- YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.- REPTAR!

- OH, DAMN IT.THE CAMERA WAS THE WRONG WAY.

- REPTAR!- OH, MY GOSH.

YOU LOOK JUST LIKE THAT GUY

WHO WAS RAPING HIS KIDSIN THE BASEMENT IN AUSTRIA.

- I KNOW. I KNOW.IT'S THE EYEBROWS.

- [grunts]

- [sighs]CAMERA WAS BACKWARDS.

[laughter]

- NO DOUBT.NO DOUBT. DEFINITELY.

WHAT UP, DOGS?YEAH, MAN.

WHAT'S UP?I'M ADAM DEMAMP.

I JUST TRANSFERREDFROM THE OTHER SCHOOL

THAT'S PRETTY FAR AWAYFROM HERE.

UM...LITTLE BIT ABOUT ME.

I TRAIN WITH KETTLE BELLSAND MY FAVORITE MOVIES

ARE NOTORIOUS AND BLOW,

SO I'M, LIKE, A--JUST REAL.

I'M SO--A REAL DUDELIKE YOU GUYS.

- HEY, WHAT'S UP,DUDES, BABE?

- WHOA.YOU'RE QUAID FRANKLIN.

YOU'RE SO GOODAT FOOTBALL, DUDE.

I READ THIS WHOLE PAPERABOUT YOU.

14 TOUCHDOWNS,2,238 YARDS.

HE'S GOING TO NEBRASKANEXT YEAR.

IT'S--YOU'RE THE MAN, DUDE.

- YEAH, WHO ARE YOU?

- [laughs]

I'M--I'M ADAM DEMAMP.

I JUST INTRODUCED MYSELF,BUT...

THEY USED TO CALL MEMEAT MOUNTAIN IN HIGH SCHOOL.

- YO, DUDES.

THERE'S THIS NERD INTHE BATHROOM THAT'S TRYING TO,

LIKE--I DON'T KNOW--[bleep] DUDES OR SOMETHING.

- THAT'S ONE THINGTHAT I HATE--NERDS!

RIGHT?UGH!

LET'S GO POUND THIS NERD!

QUAID, LET'S GO POUNDTHIS NERD--

ME AND YOU, BRO!

BASH BROS!BASH BROS!

LET'S GO, QUAID AND ADAM!

[chanting]LET'S GO, WOLVES.

LET'S GO!

- HEY, MAN,HOW COME YOU'RE HERE?

ME?I WAS STEALING, MAN.

GOT CAUGHT UP STEALING STATUES.

YOU EVER STEAL STATUES, MAN?

YOU EVER STEAL,LIKE, A, UH--

A DRAGON STATUE?

- EXCUSE ME.- HUH?

- PLEASE BE QUIET.THANK YOU.

- MAN, I DIDN'T EVENDO ANYTHING.

DANG!OKAY?

- THAT'S IT.YOU KNOW, SHAWN-DERS--

- WHAT?- THAT'S IT.

WE'RE GOING TO THE OFFICE.- OKAY.

- GIVE ME YOUR I.D.LET'S SEE IT.

- YOU KNOW ANYTHINGABOUT A STOLEN STATUE?

- WE'RE GOING TO THE OFFICE.- MAN, STOP. GET OFF ME, DUDE!

- HOW ABOUT WE GIVEYOUR PARENTS A CALL?

- WHAT? OKAY, WAIT, WAIT.STOP, STOP, STOP, STOP.

I'M NOT SHAWN-DERS, OKAY?

- [chanting]LET'S GO, WOLVES!

LET'S GO--OH!

WRONG GUY.THAT'S--

WE SHOULD GO CHECKANOTHER BATHROOM.

- NO, NO, NO.THAT'S HIM.

AND IT'S TIMETO WHUP HIS ASS.

- NO!

OR HEAR ME OUT.

WE COULD REALLY PUNISHTHIS PERV...

AAAAND...

GIVE HIM A SWIRLY.

- ALL RIGHT.- YEAH!

- I JUST WASHED MY HAIR.

COME ON.HOLD ON.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!

I LIVE HERE.YOU DON'T.

MIGHT HAVE TO SWING ON A FOOL.

- GONNA DOUBLE UP ON A GUY.

- WHOA.

PARTY'S CLOSED, BOYS.

- QUAID, WHAT UP, DUDE?IT'S DEMAMP.

BASH BROS.REMEMBER THAT FROM EARLIER?

- YOU CAN'T COME IN.

- HEY, WHERE YOU WANT METO PUT THESE BEERS?

- AH, WHEREVER, DUDE.

BUT, UH, STAY OUTOF THE FRONT BEDROOM.

DEANDRE'S BANGINGLEILA STRACHAN IN THERE.

DUDE, CHICK'S ON PACE TO BANGEVERYONE TONIGHT, YOU KNOW?

- I CAN SMELLTHE COOCHIE ALREADY.

- OH, WHERE'D HE LEARN THAT?

- IN MY--IN THE FRONT BEDROOM?

THAT'S--THAT'S MY BEDROOM.THAT'S AWESOME.

- THAT'S COOL, DUDE.- THAT'S COOL.

- OKAY, I GET IT.YOU TOOK OVER OUR HOUSE.

VERY GOOD.GOOD JOB.

BUT WHERE'STHE DRAGON STATUE AND--

[paintball gun fires]

AH! OW! OW!

[grunts]

- YOU'RE NOT GETTING IN.

[ominous music]

- THAT IS IT.I'M CALLING THE COPS.

NOBODY SMOKES IN MY HOUSE.

OW! OW!DON'T, PLEASE! OW!

YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU SET US UP.WE DROVE OUT TO THAT HOUSE.

- HA HA.THAT'S AWESOME.

DID YOU SAY HITO PRINCIPAL SENN?

- [scoffs] YOU WISH.OW!

OH!

THAT WASN'T EVEN A--WASN'T--

- HERE'S THE DEAL.

YOU CALL THE COPS,AND WE'LL BE BACK HERE

EVERY WEEKENDFOR THE REST OF YOUR LIVES.

WE'LL PASS IT DOWNFROM CLASS TO CLASS

LIKE A TRADITIONOR SOME GAY [bleep] LIKE THAT,

OR YOU GET LOST,LET US PARTY TONIGHT,

AND WE'LL CALL THINGS EVEN.

- WHAT ABOUT OUR STATUE?

- [sighs]

BAD NEWS.

[chain saw buzzing]

[all cheering]

HE'S TOTALLY DECAPITATED.- OUCH.

- ALL RIGHT.

UH, HERE'S WHAT I'M GONNA DO.

SINCE WE RUINED YOUR STATUE,

I'LL LET YOU BROS PARTY.

- THANK YOU.- ALL RIGHT, YEAH.

- HOWEVER, COUPLE OF RULES--

HEAD TO THE BACKAND STAY THERE.

BEER ONLY,AND DON'T TALK TO ASHLEY.

SHE BELONGS TO AJ.

- I BET SHE'S HOT.I BET SHE'S HOT.

- AND IF YOU DECIDETO GROW SOME BALLS

AND BREAK MY RULES,

MY HOMEY WILL LIGHT YOU UP.

- OKAY. ALL RIGHT.- COOL.

- ALL RIGHT, COOL.- WE GOT IT. WE GOT IT.

- THANK YOU SO MUCH.- ALL RIGHT.

FIVE BUCKS A CUP.

- LIKE--OH, OKAY.

PLUS TAX OR WHATEVER?- WHAT? NO.

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