Monday, December 14, 2015

  • 12/14/2015

Jesse Joyce, Esther Ku and Al Jackson find out what the U.S. Googled the most this year, rock out to #GOPSongs and roast "Star Wars" characters.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]>> Chris: AND RIPPED FROM

STAR WARS, TODAY'S INTERNETSTAR WARS, IT'S RAPID STAR WARS.

TO AN OUTSIDER IT PROBABLYDOESN'T SEEM LIKE A LOT OF FUN

TO LIVE IN NORTH KOREA, NOT TOJUDGE, THIS IS THE POLICE STATE

RUN BY SKRILLEX PATCH KID KIMJONG-UN.

BUT THINGS JUST GOT A WHOLE LOTMORE FUNKY OUT THERE.

NORTH KOREA NOW HAS IT'S OWNHAND-SELECTED STATE-SANCTIONED

GIRL GROUP.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOU AREREQUIRED TO PUT YOUR HANDS

TOGETHER IN A NOISE MAKINGFASHION FOR MORANBONG!

♪♪

>> Chris: ROCK OUT IN ACONTROLLED AND ORCHESTRATED

FASHION TO THE OPPRESSIVE BEATSOF MORANBONG.

THAT WAS VERY MEASURED.

>> WHO TOLD THEM TO CLAP LIKETHAT?

THAT'S HOW YOU KNOW YOU DON'THAVE BLACK PEOPLE IN YOUR

COUNTRY.

>> Chris: HEYTHEY'RE JUST LIKE THE SPICE

GIRLS!

THERE'S HUNGRY SPICE,REPRESSED SPICE, AND DEAR

GOD NOT THE THUMBS I NEED TOPLAY THE VIOLIN SPICE.

♪ I WAN A WANNA REALLY SEE MYFAMILY AGAIN

COMEDIANS, AS THE MC FOR THISJOYOUS CELEBRATION OF NORTH

KOREA'S GREATNESS, BRING THISGOVERNMENT-APPROVED GIRL GROUP

TO THE STAGE!

>> I WAS AN MC FOR A LONG TIME.

SO HERE'S HOW I WOULD DO IT.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PUT YOURHANDS TOGETHER FOR THE INSANE

CLONE POSSE.

>> Chris: POINTS.

KU.

>> YA, YA, CAMERA, YA, YA, LOOKAHEAD.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: POINTS.

YA.

>> THANKS, KU.

THANK YOU FOR STEALING MYANSWER.

>> Chris: MOVING ON.

>> Chris: estately.com JUSTCOMPLIED THEIR ANNUAL LIST OF

THE TOP GOOGLE SEARCHES BY STATEAND IT'S FASCINATING AS ALWAYS.

2015 WAS RULED BY FEAR ANDSUSPICION, WITH TOP SEARCHES

INCLUDING WHAT YOU EXPECT ISIS,SUPER BLOOD MOON UP HERE.

WHAT DOES BAE MEAN.

MAINE WAS ROCKED BY AMY SCHUMERTHIS YEAR.

WITH ALL THE OTHER (BEEP) GOINGON, I'M GLAD TEXAS CAME TOGETHER

FORTHE MIRANDA LAMBERT DIVORCE.

BUT IT'S NICE TO KNOW THAT INTHIS UNCERTAIN WORLD, MONTANA IS

STILL WORRIED ABOUT THE SAMETHING THEY'VE ALWAYS BEEN

WORRIED ABOUT --

WOLVES.

[LAUGHING]>> I LOVE THE IDEA THAT PEOPLE

IN MONTANA ARE GOOGLING IT LIKE --

>> Chris: WHILE"WOLVES" WAS MONTANA'S TOP

SEARCH, OTHER POPULARQUERIES INCLUDED "HOW TO GET

REVENGE ON THE BEAR THAT ATE MYYOUNGINS?" AND "WHERE DID MY

WIFE RUN OFF TO? SHE BETTER NOTHAVE RUN OFF WITH THAT GODDAMN

BEAR!"THE MAP ONLY SHOWS THE GOOGLE

SEARCH TERMS. BUT A LOT OFPEOPLE USE GOOGLE TO ASK OTHER

QUESTIONS, TOO.

WHAT IS THE MOST FREQUENTQUESTION FROM A STATE, ANY

STATE?

>> MISSISSIPPI.

IS BIG FOOTS A GAY?

POINTS.

AL JACKSON.

>> WYOMING, WHAT'S A BLACKPERSON?

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> Chris: AND NOW IT'S TIME FORTONIGHT'S #HASHTAGWARS.

TOMORROW IS THE FINAL REPUBLICANPRESIDENTIAL DEBATE OF THE YEAR.

STILL HOLDING HIS PLACE ATCENTER STAGE WILL BE FRONTRUNNER

AND OPULENT FORESKIN DONALDTRUMP, BUT IT LOOKS LIKE HE'LL

BE WITHOUT THE SUPPORT OF FELLOWREALITY SHOW LEATHERFACE DEE

SNIDER.

THE TWISTED SISTER SINGER ISRECONSIDERING LETTING TRUMP USE

THE SONG "WE'RE NOT GONNA TAKEIT" AT CAMPAIGN EVENTS.

SO WE'RE GONNA HELP BRAINSTORMSOME NEW CONSERVATIVE JAMS WITH

TONIGHT'S HASHTAG, #GOPSONGS.

EXAMPLES: "TRUMPSHAKER,""FILIBUST A MOVE," AND "BORN IN

THE USA OR GET THE (/ BLEEP/ )OUT."

I'M LETTING 60 SECONDS TRICKLEDOWN TO YOUR CLOCKS.

>> BABABA BILL O'RILEY.

Chris: POINTS.

JACKSON.

>> YOU KNOW DRAKE GOT THE RIGHTWING BLING.

>> IF YOU WALK LIKE AN EGYPTIANYOU WILL BE

DETAINED AT THE AIRPORT.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: AGAIN.

>> ANOTHER BRICK AT THE MOSQUE.

Chris: POINTS.

>> I LOVE IT WHEN YOU CALL MEBIG PHARMA.

>> Chris: POINTS.

KU.

>> DON'T STOP DECEIVING.

Chris: POINTS.

JESSE.

>> IT'S JACK AND DIANE NOT JACKAND STEVE.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: POINTS.

JESSE.

>> SWEET FETUS OH MINE.

Chris: BY GUNS AND GUN.

JACKSON.

>> MO BAMA MO PROBLEMS.

AND NOW IT'S TIME TO PLAY HIT MEWITH YOUR MUG SHOT.

LAST WEEK THE INTERNET WASENCHANTED BY THIS SMILING LITTLE

LADY.

AWWW, SHE MUST BE SUPER HAPPY TOFINALLY GET HER DRIVER'S LICENSE

RIGHT?

NOPE.

SHE JUST GOT BOOKED FORALLEGEDLY POSSESSING 31.5 GRAMS

OF PACKAGED COCAINE, 126 GRAMSOF HIGH GRADE MARIJUANA, 29

TABLETS OF ECSTASY,THAT EXPLAINS THE SMILE.

METHAMPHETAMINE AND 60 DOSES OFA DRUG LIKE L.S.D.

IT MIGHT BE WORTH MENTIONINGTHAT HER DAD IS A D.E.A. AGENT.

WORST TAKE YOUR DAUGHTER TOWORKDAY EVER.

BUT IT GOT US THINKIN' THATMAYBE IT'S TIME TO PLAY ANOTHER

ROUND OF HIT ME WITH YOURMUGSHOT, SO COMEDIANS, I'M GOING

TO SHOW YOU SOME GOOFY REALMUGSHOTS AND I WANT YOU GUYS TO

SPECULATE ON WHAT THE ALLEGEDCRIME THAT THESE ALLEGED PERPS

ALLEGEDLY COMMITTED TO GET THEMTAKEN DOWNTOWN.

>> Chris: FIRST UP THIS GUY WHO WAS DENIED BAIL AND A MIRROR.

JACKSON.

>> I THINK THE CRIME -- HE HASON A WIFE BEATER, HE'S A SKIN

HEAD AND HE'S GOT A MULLET.

THE FLORIDA TRIPLE CROWN.

SHOUTS TO MY MAN HERE.

>> Chris: NEXT UP THIS OLDTIMER.

THIS OLD TIMER.

YES, JESSE.

>> HAMBURGLARING.

Chris: POINTS.

IT'S KIND OF A JUGGALO THING.

>> OR A FOOT LOCKER THING.

Chris: NEXT UP THIS GUY WHOIS ALL EARS.

JESSE.

>> DEFENDING HIS LUCKY CHARMS.

[LAUGHING]>> LOOK IF YOU HAVE EARS LIKE

THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TOPRISON WITH BLOW JOB HANDLES.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING.

IT'S A BAD IDEA.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: YES.

>> THINK HE'S ACTUALLY JUSTTRYING TO KEEP FROTTO FROM

THROWING THE RING.

>> YES. HE DOES LOOK LIKE AHOBBIT.

Chris: NEXT UP THIS EINSTEIN.

[LAUGHING]>> THIS GUY --

Chris: JESSE.

>> MANUFACTURING WOODEN BOYSWITHOUT A LICENSE.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: POINTS.

KU.

>> [BEEP]ING HIS RELATIVES HECALLS HIS THEORY OF RELATIVITY.

>> Chris: POINTS.

WELL DONE.

>> DYING HIS EYEBROWS BLACK.

[LAUGHING]>> AND LEAVING HIS HAIR AND

MUSTACHE WHITE.

>> Chris: I LOOK SO MUCH YOUNGERNOW.

I'M LOOKING LIKE A TEENAGER BOY.

BEFORE THE BREAK I SHOWED YOU ANORWEGIAN NEWSPAPER THAT

PUBLISHED SANTA'S OBITUARY ANDASKED YOU TO GIVE A TIPSY TOAST

AT ST. NICK'S WAKE.

LET'S SEE WHAT YOU CAME UP WITH.

KU.

>> HEY SANTA, I HOPE KIDS ARESITTING IN YOUR LAP IN HEAVEN.

WAIT I MEAN -->> ALRIGHT.

Chris: AL JACKSON.

>> HERE'S TO YOU SANTA YOUMANAGED TO SQUEEZE YOURSELF DOWN

EVERY SUBURBAN CHIMNEY BUTCOULDN'T TAKE THE ELEVATOR TO

THE 30th LEVEL OF A LOW INCOMEHOUSING COMPLEX.

COME ON SANTA, YOU'RE BETTERTHAN THAT.

>> Chris: JESSE.

>> I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE HEKILLED MRS. CLAUS AND THEN

HIMSELF.

HE ALWAYS SEEMED SO JOLLY.

NOW ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS ISCLOSURE.

>> Chris: IT'S TIME FOR THEFIGHTERS CLUB ROAST.

SINCE "STAR WARS: THE FORCEAWAKENS" WAS ANNOUNCED --

-- DID I MENTION THAT I'MGOING TO THE PREMIERE TONIGHT?

I'M GOING TO THE [BEEP]PREMIERE. I CAN'T EVEN CONTAIN

MYSELF. I CAN'T -- AHH -- SHUTUP CHRIS HARDWICK!

THIS HAS BEEN DOMINATING THECONVERSATIONS ONLINE.

THERE ARE EVEN STAR WARS GRAPES!

STAR WARS GRAPES: FOR WHEN YOUWANT TO PRETEND YOU'RE EATING

YODA'S BALLS.

STAR WARS GRAPES.

EAT MY BALLS YO WILL.NOW, I'M AS EXCITED AS THE NEXT

NERD ABOUT THIS MOVIE, BUT I DOTHINK "STARS WARS" COULD STAND

TO BE TAKEN DOWN A PEG, SO WE'RE-- I DON'T AGREE EITHER.

FOR THIS BIT WE'RE DOING AINTERGALACTIC ROAST.

COMEDIANS, I'M GOING TO GIVEEACH OF YOU A SET OF "STAR WARS"

CHARACTERS FROM THE "STAR WARS"WIKI, WOOKIEEPEDIA, AND FOR 250

POINTS, YOU'RE GONNA ROAST THEIRGOOFY MUGS.

JESSE, CHEWBACCA.

>> YOU LOOK LIKE ASASQUATCH AND YOU LIVE IN

A SPACESHIP. YOU'RE LIKE AREDNECK UNICORN.

THERE MUST BE A LINE AROUND THEBLOCK OF HICKS TRYING TO GET

[BEEP] IN THE ASS BY YOU.

>> Chris: NOT SURE HOW I FEELABOUT THAT WITH THIS SWEATER.

NEXT UP PONDA BABA.

>> ARE YOU CHOKING ON AKARDASHIAN.

[LAUGHING]>> YOU'RE THE ONLY STAR WARS

CHARACTER GETTING HIS TEETHCLEANED AT THE GYNECOLOGIST.

>> Chris: KU, YOU HAVE YODA.

>> YODA, MY GOD. HE'S SOADORABLE AND UGLY AT THE SAME

TIME.

IT'S LIKE IT'S MR. MIAGI AND ETHAD SEX THAT'S WHAT YODA WOULD

BE.

>> Chris: WHICH ONE GOTPREGNANT?

>> Chris: NEXT UP ADMIRALACKBAR.

>> WAY TO MAKE EVERY SPACE SHIPSMELL LIKE FISH.

>> Chris: HE GETS YOU IN THERE,AND THEN -- IT'S A TRAP!

AL, FIRST UP FROM THE FORCEAWAKEN, KYLO REN.

>> OH, KYLO. WHAT'S UP? YOU'RE ANEWCOMER BRO.

PEOPLE DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUTYOU.

I LIKE YOUR NAME, KYLO REN.

THE ONLY VILLAIN WHO SEEMS LIKEYOU WERE NAMED BY A HOLLYWOOD

SUPER COUPLE.

YOUR NAME'S KYLE? NO IT'S KYLO,KILL YOURSELF.

WE DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUTYOU EXCEPT THAT YOU'RE BLACK.

WHICH IS ALL ANYBODY KNOWS ABOUTME IN THIS AUDIENCE.

>> KEEP IT MOVING.

Chris: NEXT UP WICKET.

>> I CAN'T MAKE FUN OF SOMETHINGTHIS CUTE. HE'S ADORABLE.

>> Chris: HE'S A SAVAGE, HE'DEAT YOU IF HE HAD THE CHANCE,

AL.

>> NO MATTER WHAT THEY SAY ILIKE YOU.

WE STILL FRIENDS EVEN THOUGH YOUDON'T FALL FOR THE PEANUT BUTTER

TRICK LIKE MY DOG DOES.

AT LEAST NOT YET.