Premium Blend
Season 9

Ahdoot, DiGiorgio, Butler, Cease

  • Season 9, Ep 905
  • 01/06/2006

Damon Wayans stars in Premium Blend featuring Dan Ahdoot, Mario DiGiorgio, Blair Butler and Kyle Cease.

THANK YOU.

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

YEAH!

THANK YOU AND WELCOME TO PREMIUM BLEND.

I WANNA GIVE SOME LOVE TO THE HARDEST WORKING BAND

IN TELEVISION, TEN G BOB.

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

WOO!

HAPPY TO BE HERE IN NEW YORK CITY.

I WAS WALKING AROUND TODAY, WALKING DOWN IN THE VILLAGE,

AND WHITE FOLKS IS CRAZY.

Y'ALL LOVE YOUR DOGS TOO MUCH.WHAT IS IT WITH THE DOG?

THIS DUDE HAD LIKE EIGHT DOGS, JUST WALKING DOWN THE STREET...

[LAUGHTER]

AND Y'ALL DRESS 'EM UP, BUY 'EM OUTFITS,

- TAKE 'EM TO CHURCH. - [LAUGHTER]

AND THEN YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS? YOU GOT TO PICK UP AFTER THEM.

THERE'S A LAW. SEE BLACK PEOPLE DON'T PLAY THAT.

WE WILL HAVE A DOG FOR ONE DAY. AND AS SOON AS HE DO THAT,

IT'S LIKE, YOU KNOW WHAT? IT WAS FUN UNTIL YOU LEFT THAT

STEAMING TURD RIGHT THERE.WE DON'T DO THAT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

BUT I SEE WHITE FOLKSWALKING AROUND WITH LIKE

A DUFFEL BAG FULL OF TURD JUST WITH THE DOG-- HAPPY...

AND THE DOG JUST TAKE ITS TIME. YOU KNOW, THE DOG--

THAT'S TOO MUCH POWER. THE DOG BE LIKE--

[LAUGHTER]

NO, I DON'T LIKE IT OVER HERE.IT'S TOO WINDY.

- I WANNA GO OVER HERE. - [LAUGHTER]

I SAW THIS LADY SHARING HER ICE CREAM WITH THE DOG.

- OOH! - THAT'S WHAT I SAID.

'CAUSE I WAS STANDING INSIDE THE ICE CREAM SHOP

WATCHING THE DOG LICK ITS [BLEEP] FOR ABOUT 20 MINUTES.

[LAUGHTER]

MORE THAN THAT.MORE THAN THAT.

OH. THIS IS SUCH A GOOD CROWD. USUALLY I HAVE TO DO

CORPORATE PARTIES, AND THEY'RE LIKE 97 YEARS OLD.

AND THEY'RE LIKE "TALK ABOUT WORLD WAR II AND CRAPPING YOUR PANTS."

AND I DON'T HAVE JOKES ABOUT EITHER OF THOSE THINGS,

'CAUSE I'VE NEVER BEEN TO WORLD WAR II. BUT HERE'S THE THING.

I KNOW. I'M VERY FUNNY. HERE'S THE THING, THOUGH.

WE HAVE STUFF IN COMMON.LIKE, RIGHT OFF THE BAT,

WHO HERE LIKE ME OWNED THE ORIGINAL NINTENDO?

- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]- OH. HOW GREAT.

HOW GREAT WAS THE ORIGINAL NINTENDO?

THEY TRIED TO COME OUTWITH THEIR NEW SYSTEMS.

AND THE NEW SYSTEMS ARE LIKE, "OH, LOOK, I'M A NEW SYSTEM."

BUT THE ORIGINAL NINTENDO WAS THE BEST SYSTEM EVER,

'CAUSE IT'S THE ONLY SYSTEM THAT IF IT DIDN'T WORK,

YOU COULD FIX IT BY BLOWING INTO IT ALL DAY.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

REMEMBER THAT?

YOU TRY TO DO IT FAST FIRST.

WHEN THAT DIDN'T WORK. SO SLOW. MAYBE IT'S THE CARTRIDGE.

MAYBE IT'S THE CARTRIDGE. I DON'T KNOW.

- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] - YES, YOU GUYS ARE GOOD.

YOU KNOW WHAT THE BEST PART OF NINTENDO WAS, THE CODES.

WE HAD CODES THAT GOT US TOTHE END OF THE GAME IMMEDIATELY.

WHY CAN'T WE HAVE THAT IN REAL LIFE?

JUST ONCE, I'D LOVE TO BE ON A DATE WITH A CHICK.

AND WHEN SHE STARTS TALKING ABOUT HER CATS AND SHE'S LIKE,

"AND THIS CAT LIKES CORN, AND THIS ONE EATS GRAVY,

AND THIS ONE HAD DIARRHEA,"I CAN BE LIKE,

UP, UP, DOWN, DOWN, LEFT, RIGHT, LEFT, RIGHT, B, A, SELECT STAR.

AND I'M IN BED WITH HER. NO MORE CATS.

- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]- OH, I LOVE THIS CROWD.

I LOVE THIS CROWD. YOU GUYS ARE GOOD.

OKAY. OKAY.

SO, DOES THE PILLSBURY DOUGHBOYJUST SHOW UP IN PEOPLE'S HOUSES

AND START DANCINGON THEIR COUNTERS ANDEVERYONE'S OKAY WITH IT?

IT'S SO WEIRD, THEY'LL JUST BE IN THEIR HOUSE, LIKE,

"NO TOASTER'S LOVING LIKE MY TOASTER STRUDEL."

AND THE LADY'S LIKE, "OH, PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY, IT'S SO NORMAL YOU'RE HERE."

NO, IT'S NOT. IT'S A WEIRD TWO-INCH-TALL GUY

ON YOUR COUNTERWITH NO HANDS AND FEET.

AND HE'S EXCITED ABOUT NOTHING.

THEY'LL JUST BEPULLING COOKIES OUT OF AN OVEN.

AND HE'S LIKE, "COOKIES,"

LIKE HE CAN'T BELIEVE COOKIES COME OUT OF AN OVEN.

WHAT A JERK. THAT'S HIS FRIENDS IN THERE, YOU GUYS.

THAT'S HIS FRIENDS IN THE OVEN.

- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] - YEAH. YEAH. IT'S WEIRD.

IT'S SO WEIRD. YOU DON'T WANT THAT.

YEAH, YEAH, SEE YOU GUYSARE ALL FRIENDS OF MINE.

AND IF ANYONE PULLED YOU OUT OF AN OVEN, I WON'T YELL, "COOKIES."

I SWEAR TO GOD. I WOULDN'T. I'D BE LIKE, STEVE, OR GARY,

OR THE GUY WHO SHOULD WEAR A HAT MORE FREQUENTLY.

GET OUT OF THE OVEN. IT'S HOT. AND YOU SHOULDN'T BE IN THERE.

BUT THE PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY'S LIKE,

"STAY IN THERE, BITCH."THAT'S HOW HE TALKS.

YOU GUYS ARE FUN.HAVE YOU EVER DONE THIS?

HAVE YOU EVER HAD IT WHENYOU'RE WALKING IN ONE DIRECTION

AND THEN YOU REALIZE YOU'RE GOING THE TOTAL WRONG WAY,

SO YOU HAVE TO TURN AROUND? BUT YOU CAN'T JUST TURN AROUND.

BECAUSE YOU KNOW OTHER PEOPLE ARE WATCHING YOU.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT?

YOU HAVE TO DO OTHER STUFF TOO FOR SOME--

YOU GOTTA BE LIKE, "OH, YEAH." AND THEN TURN AROUND.

WHY IS THAT? WHY IS THAT? IT'S SO WEIRD.

I GUESS YOU HAVE TO--

YOU'D LOOK SO WEIRD IF YOU'RE JUST LIKE HMM...

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I LIKE TO ACT LIKE IT'S ON PURPOSE.

I'LL JUST BE LIKE, "WRONG WAY, BITCH." AND THEN I KEEP GOING.

MADE THAT MISTAKE EARLIERAND I LOVE IT.

OR HAVE YOU EVER HAD IT WHEN YOU TALK TO SOMEONE FOR A WHILE

AND THEN YOU SAY GOODBYE TO THEM

AND THEN YOU BOTH LEAVEIN THE SAME DIRECTION?

NOW IT'S ALL SCREWED UP 'CAUSE YOU'VE SAID GOODBYE

AND YOU DON'T EVEN GET IT IF YOU'RE ALLOWED TO TALK ANYMORE.

LIKE DUDE, SHUT UP. WE HAD A DEAL.

WE SAID IT OVER THERE. SO MANY WEIRD THINGS.

I'LL LEAVE YOU WITH THIS. MY ROOMMATE'S JAPANESE.

AND ON THE ANNIVERSARY OF PEARL HARBOR,

I SURPRISED, WOKE HIM UP FOR A CHANGE, WHICH WAS KINDA FUN.

NO, IT'S TRUE. I WENT INTOHIS ROOM WITH A POT AND A HAMMER

AND I WENT DING,DING, DING, DING, DING!

AND HE WOKE UP IN A PANIC. AND I WENT,

"NEVER FORGET, BITCH." AND I LEFT.

AND YOU WANNA LEAVE IMMEDIATELY AFTER YOU DO THAT.

YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN AWESOME. THANK YOU.

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY COMEDY CENTRAL.

HELLO, NEW YORK.

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

I WENT TO THE MALL THE OTHER DAY.

AND I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE BEEN THERE RECENTLY

BUT RIGHT NOW THEY HAVE A VERY AGGRESSIVE

ANTI-TEEN PREGNANCY AD CAMPAIGN GOING ON,

WHAT IT IS, IT'S A POSTER OF A TEENAGE GIRL.

AND IN THE CROOK OF HER ARM

SHE'S HOLDING A SCREAMING INFANT.

AND THE CAPTION UNDERNEATH ACTUALLY READS,

"IS THIS REALLY THEKIND OF PAGER YOU WANT?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"IS THIS REALLY THEKIND OF PAGER YOU WANT?"

IF I WAS A 13-YEAR-OLD GIRL, I'D BE LIKE, "OH, MY GOD.

I TOTALLY WANT THAT PAGER."

[LAUGHTER]

IT LOOKS JUST LIKE A BABY.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

I'VE HAD A LOT OF CRAPPY JOBS. BUT THE WORST ONE I EVER HAD

WAS DRESSING UP AS A POLAR BEAR AT CHILDREN'S BIRTHDAY PARTIES.

YEAH. YOU GUYS,I LOVE LITTLE CHILDREN.

BUT THEY ARE LIKE PI√ĎATAS FULL OF URINE.

[LAUGHTER]

IF YOU JOSTLE THEM WHEN THEY ARE IN THE BEAR'S LAP,

THEY WILL JUST BLOW ALL OVER YOU.

AND I KNOW YOU GUYS, THAT THERE IS SO VERY LITTLE

IN THIS WORLD AS ATTRACTIVE

AS A WOMAN IN AURINE-STAINED BEAR SUIT.

BUT MY WORST MOMENT ON THE JOB CAME WHEN THIS KID'S UNCLE GOT DRUNK

AND STARTED HITTING ON ME WHILE I WAS STILL IN COSTUME.

[LAUGHTER]

HE KEPT PRESSING HIMSELF UP AGAINST ONE OF MY BIG, MESH EYES

AND WHISPERING OVER AND OVER AGAIN,

"ARE YOU A GIRL BEAR OR A BOY BEAR?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I WAS LIKE, "DUDE. THAT IS WAY TOO SPECIFIC A FETISH."

[LAUGHTER]

I'LL LEAVE YOU GUYS WITH THIS. WHEN I WAS IN COLLEGE,

I DATED A GUY WHO WAS NOT VERY INTELLIGENT.

AND ONE TIME, DURING A MOMENT OF EXTREME INTIMACY,

HE CRIED OUT, "OH, MY GOD, BLAIR,

YOU TAKE ME TO THE THIRD DIMENSION."

[LAUGHTER]

WE LIVE IN THE THIRD DIMENSION.

THAT'S LIKE SAYING, WHEN I LOOK DEEPLY INTO YOUR EYES, I SEE CORNEAS.

[LAUGHTER]

I WAS LIKE, "DUDE.YOU ARE TOTALLY STUPID.

NOW GET OFF ME AND HELP ME BACK INTO MY BEAR SUIT."

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WOW, WOW!

NEW YORK I-- THIS IS SO NICE TO BE HERE.

IT'S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I'VE LIVED HERE.

AND YOU GUYS GOT THAT SMOKING BAN RIGHT NOW,

WHICH I ADORE, REALLY.

I CAN GO TO A BAR THIS EVENING

AND I CAN WEAR THIS SHIRT TOMORROW SO.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU SEE? SEE HERE'S THE THING.

HEALTH ISSUES ASIDE, SMOKE BOTHERS SMOKERS, TOO.

IT DOES. WHY DO YOU THINK THEY HOLD THEIR CIGARETTES

OUT LIKE THAT, HUH? I DON'T KNOW.

MAYBE FOR THE SAME REASON THAT WHENEVER I GO TO THE BATHROOM,

I DON'T POINT MY [BLEEP] AT MY FACE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WATCHING A LOT OF TV RECENTLY. COMMERCIALS, MAN--

GUYS, WE ARE THE DUNCES OF THE UNIVERSE.

[APPLAUSE]

YES, THANKS FOR APPLAUDING, LADIES.

[LAUGHTER]

WE DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT CARS, COMPUTERS-- OR SOUP.

I'VE SEEN THREE COMMERCIALS LIKE THIS.

IT'S ALWAYS THE SAME STORY.

THERE'S THE HUSBAND IN THE KITCHEN,

BLISSFULLY ENJOYING HIS INFERIOR CRAPPY SOUP. AND THE WIFE WALKS IN.

SHE REACTS LIKE HE'S A DOG EATING A TAMPON. SHE'S LIKE--

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WHAT ARE YOU EATING?

YOU'RE A GROWN MAN. YOU'RE EATING CONDENSED SOUP?

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?"

SO, WHAT DOES SHE DO? SHE REACHES INTO THE CUPBOARD

AND GRABS A CAN OF GOOD SOUP.

WHY IS THERE A CAN OF GOOD SOUP AND CRAPPY SOUP IN THE SAME HOUSEHOLD?

I WANT THE POOR GUY TOSTICK UP FOR HIMSELF, YOU KNOW.

"AH, BITCH, YOU DO THE SHOPPING."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I DON'T GET IT. WHERE'S THE MYSTERY?

YEAH, I THINKI MISSED MY OPPORTUNITY

TO HAVE AN AFFAIR WITH AN OLDER WOMAN,

SLEEP WITH A GIRL WHO'S TWICE MY AGE.

WHEN YOU'RE 17, THAT'S COOL. WHEN YOU'RE 30, KINDA CREEPY.

[LAUGHTER]

MAKING OUT WITH A 60 YEAR-OLD, THAT'S ONE STEP AWAY FROM CPR,

I THINK THAT'S--I DON'T KNOW.

I WAS READING ABOUT A BUNCH OF MOTHERS

WHO ARE A PART OF A GROUP CALLED LE LECHE.

HAVE YOU HEARD OF THIS? IT'S A BREAST-FEEDING CLUB,

LE LECHE LEAGUE, YEAH. HERE ARE THE GORY DETAILS.

LET ME SCHOOLS YA.

THEY BELIEVE IN BREAST-FEEDING THEIR CHILDREN

UP THROUGH AND BEYOND THE AGE OF FIVE.

FIVE, WHEN THEY HAVE TEETH, OKAY.

"I GOT BALONEYAND CHEESE TODAY, BILLY.WHAT DO YOU GOT?"

- "TITTIES." - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

FORGET IT.

I GUESS MAYBE THE KID WILL BE POPULAR YOU KNOW.

AND FOR ONE THING, EVERY OTHER LITTLE BOY

WILL WANNA TRADE LUNCHES. HOW IS THIS HEALTHY, YOU KNOW?

POOR KID'S GONNAGROW UP THINKING

GIRLS GONE WILD'S A COOKING SHOW, YOU KNOW.

THANKS VERY MUCH, NEW YORK. THANK YOU.

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

I LIKE THIS. I LIKE THIS CROWD.

WE GOT A NICE RACIALLY DIVERSE MIX HERE.

I THINK THAT'S IMPORTANT. I'LL TELL YOU GUYS RIGHT OFF

THAT I'M IRANIAN. COOL, THANKS A LOT. AWESOME.

- UM-- YEAH. - [LAUGHTER]

ACTUALLY IT'S A LIE. I'M NOT IRANIAN.

I WAS IRANIAN FOR 23 YEARS UP UNTIL SEPTEMBER 11th.

AND NOW, I'M PUERTO RICAN. ALL RIGHT.

- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]- YEAH.

MAKES LIFE A LOT EASIER.

SO, I HAD IMMIGRANT PARENTS GROWING UP,

WHICH WAS EMBARRASSING,'CAUSE THEY WOULD ALWAYS

TRY TO ASSIMILATE WITH THE OTHER AMERICAN PARENTS

AND GET INTO AMERICAN TRADITIONS AND STUFF.

LIKE, MY DAD'S FAVORITE HOLIDAY NOW IS APRIL FOOL'S DAY.

HE DOESN'T REALLY KNOW HOW TO DO IT, THOUGH.

HE USES IT MORE AS LIKE A FORM OF CONFESSION.

HE'LL BE LIKE, "HEY DAN, REMEMBER YOU CAME BACK FROM CAMP

AND YOUR HAMSTERS WERE DEAD? THAT'S BECAUSE I KILLED THEM.

APRIL FOOL'S. I FORGOT TO FEED THEM. MY BAD. OKAY. HA-HA!"

- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] - OH, YES.

YES, THANK YOU.

"OH, DAN. I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE MY SON. HA, HA, HA!

APRIL FOOL'S, BROKEN CONDOM. IT HAPPENS. IT HAPPENS."

WHAT?

I LOVE AMERICA. AMERICA IS A GREAT COUNTRY. AND I THINK IT'S GREAT,

BECAUSE WE ACCEPT REFUGEES FROMOTHER COUNTRIES WHICH IS COOL.

BUT I DON'T THINK WE USE THEM TO THE BEST OF THEIR ABILITIES.

LIKE, WE HAVEALL THESE CUBAN REFUGEESWHO SWAM HERE FROM CUBA,

BUT HOW MANY CUBANS ARE THEREON THE U.S. SWIM TEAM?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

- RIGHT? IT WOULD BE SO... - [APPLAUSE CONTINUES]

IT WOULD BE SO EASY.

ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS PAINT A PICTURE OF FLORIDA ON EITHER SIDE OF THE WALL

AND THROW 'EM IN AND THEY'LL BE LIKE, "OH, MY GOD!

WE'RE GOING TO MAKE IT, MAMA! START A NEW LIFE!"

"WAIT. I COULDA SWORN FLORIDA WAS OVER HERE A SECOND AGO.

MOTHER OF GOD, IT'S OVER THERE!"

THEY'D BE LIKE "JOSE SANTANA JUST SWAM THE 50 FREESTYLE

"IN A RECORD 3.2 SECONDS. AND THAT WAS EIGHT HOURS AGO.

"BUT HE'S STILL SWIMMINGFOR SOME REASON.

"LOOKS LIKE HE'S MAKING A RAFT OUTTA THE LANE LINES

"IN HIS BATHING SUIT AND USING HIS PENIS AS A PADDLE.

THAT'S KIND OF WEIRD. THAT'S A LITTLE STRANGE."

BUT MY STORY GETS BETTER, GUYS.

I'M NOT ONLY IRANIAN. I'M ALSO JEWISH.

YOU'RE LIKE, "WOW,HE'S IRANIAN AND JEWISH.

I DON'T KNOW IF I SHOULDHATE HIM OR HATE HIM.

- THAT'S KINDA WEIRD." - [LAUGHTER]

I WISH I WERE ANYTHING ELSE.

I WISH I WERE BLACK. BLACK PEOPLE, WHERE YOU AT?

- HOLLER.- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THIS IS THE BEST THING ABOUT BEING BLACK.

DID YOU KNOW THAT BLACK PEOPLE CAN GET AWAY WITH SAYING ANYTHING

IF THEY STICK THE WORDS,"I'M JUST PLAYING,"

- AT THE END OF IT? - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THIS IS THE COOLEST THING EVER. RIGHT? I HAD NO IDEA.

I HAD A BLACK BOSS. I WENT INTO WORK.

HE WAS LIKE, "MAN, IT'S HOT OUTSIDE.

"I FEEL LIKE I'M IN AN OVEN OUT THERE.

"BUT YOU WOULDN'T KNOW ALL ABOUT BEING IN AN OVEN, WOULDN'T YOU, JEW BOY?

HA, HA, HA, HA! I'M JUST PLAYING." "WHAT?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I LOVE HIP-HOP.I LOVE HIP-HOP.

BUT I FEEL LIKE THE BIGGEST IDIOT WHEN I LISTEN TO THE RADIO,

AND I'LL GET ALL INTO A SONG.AND THEN TEN SECONDS INTO IT,

I REALIZE IT'S NOT A SONG.IT'S ONE OF THOSE ADVERTISEMENTS

DONE IN HIP-HOP FORMAT.THE GUY'S LIKE,

YOUR WOMAN'S COMING OVER AT A QUARTER TO NINE

YOU ASK HER ON A DATE 'CAUSE SHE WAS LOOKING FINE

YOU WANNA COOK A CHICKEN BUT YOU GOT NO TIME

GET YOUR ASS TO KFC IT'S A $1.99, YOU PUNK BITCH

WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?

BUY THE CHICKEN BITCH, I KILL YOUR FAMILY-- WHAT?

- AND I WAS LIKE-- - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I WAS LIKE "I'LL BUY THE CHICKEN.

JUST LEAVE MY FAMILY OUTTA THIS," RIGHT?

BUT THEN I REALIZED,WAIT A SECOND. I'M GOOD.

HE WAS PROBABLY JUST PLAYING. THANKS A LOT GUYS.

SEE YOU LATER.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

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