Ray Lipowski, Felipe Esparza & Lil Rel

  • Season 1, Ep 4
  • 07/25/2010

Ray Lipowski is disgusted with tight clothes, Felipe Esparza was in a car accident with someone who was uninsured, and Lil Rel's father was in a Black Panther-era gang.

SHE WOKE UP BEFORE ME.

SHE PUT ON MY T-SHIRTAND MY UNDERWEAR,

SHE WENT WALKINGTO THE RESTROOM,

I WAS WAKING UP,LOOKING AT HER...

I THOUGHTTHAT WAS ME DYING.

[laughter]

I THOUGHT MY SPIRITWAS LEAVING. WHOO!

[laughter]

COME BACK!

MY FRIEND HAD A THREESOME,HE WAS ALL HAPPY.

I WAS ALL SAD.

I COULD NEVERHAVE A THREESOME.

THIS IS NOTA THREESOME BODY.

THIS ISA TURN-OFF-THE-LIGHTS BODY.

LEAVE-YOUR-SHIRT-ON BODY.

THIS IS A TELL-NOBODY.

[laughter]

[giggles]

IF I EVER GETA CHANCE FOR A THREESOME,

I'M GONNA HAVEA MEETING WITH THOSE GIRLS...

"ALL RIGHT,LISTEN UP, LADIES.

"ONE OF YOU GUYS HEREMIGHT NOT GET A TURN.

[laughter]

SO PICK A NUMBERFROM ONE TO TEN, MAN."

[whistles]

THE PRETTY ONE SAYS "17.""YOU WIN!"

AND THE OTHER ONE SAYS,"WHAT DO I DO?"

"YOU'RE GONNABE PUSHING MY HIPS.

[laughter]

YOU'RE HAMBURGER HELPER."

[whistles]

[laughter and applause]

LADIES--OOH, LOOK, ROCKIN'THE HEELS IN THE FRONT ROW, HUH?

WHOA, LADIES BE KILLIN'WITH THEM DAMN HEELS, BOY.

RIGHT BROTHER?

ALL I CAREABOUT MY LADIES WEARING

IS DAMNHIGH HEELED SHOES, MAN.

THEM DAMN STILETTOS.

I DON'T BE BUYIN'--VALENTINES DAY,

I DON'T BE BUYING CHOCOLATESAND ALL THAT DUMB ASS MESS.

PERFUMES AND DUMB STUFF,AND LINGERIES.

I DON'T GIVE A DAMNWHAT SHE WEARIN' TO BED,

I DON'T GIVE A DAMN.

PUT THEM DAMN SHOES ON!

WHEN THAT ASS GO IN THE AIR,I DON'T GIVE A DAMN

WHAT SHE GOT ON,YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

SHE COULD BE WEARING SHOULDERPADS AND A BABY PAMPER,

I DON'T GIVE A DAMN!PUT THEM DAMN SHOES ON!

[laughter]LADIES, Y'ALL KNOW HOW TO WALK

IN THE SHOES THOUGH,RIGHT?

Y'ALL WEARING HEELSAND STUFF, LADIES.

GOT TO KNOW HOWTO WORK THE SHOES, LADIES.

THERE'S NOTHING WORSETHAN A LADY

WHO CANNOT WALKIN THEM DAMN HEELS.

SOME LADIESKNOW HOW TO WORK IT.

THEY KNOW HOW TO SLINKIN THE DAMN SHOES.

THEY KNOW HOW TO WORK IT.

SOME LADIES DON'T KNOWWHAT THE HELL THEY DOIN'.

SOME LADIES--SOME LADIES ARE GOOD, SEXY.

LOOK AT--I'M A GROWN MAN.

LOOK AT THAT,I FEEL SEXY RIGHT NOW.

[laughter]

I'M GONNA LAYMY OWN SELF ON THE GROUND,

AND GET ON TOP OF ME,AND DO--

CAN YOU EVENLAY ON TOP OF YOURSELF?

I'M ABOUT TO GETON TOP OF ME, GOD DAMN IT.

I'M TURNING MYSELFON RIGHT NOW.

YOU GOT TO KNOW HOWTO WORK THEM SHOES, LADIES.

YOU HAVE TO.

SOME LADIESLOOK SEXY IN THE SHOES,

SOME LADIES LOOKSO SEXY IN THE DAMN SHOES,

'CAUSE THEY KNOW HOWTO WALK IN THE SHOES.

SOME LADIES DON'T KNOWWHAT THE HELL THEY DOIN'.

THEY PUT THE DAMN SHOES ON,

AND START WALKING AROUNDTHE HOUSE, THEY ASS LOOKS SNEAKY

'CAUSE THEYDON'T KNOW HOW TO WALK.

THIS IS HOW THEY WALKAROUND THE HOUSE...

[laughter]

SOME LADIES DON'T KNOWWHAT THE HELL THEY DOIN'.

THEY PUT THEM DAMN SHOES ON...

THEY ASS WALKIN' AROUND THEHOUSE LIKE A TYRANNOSAURUS REX.

[speaks indistinctly]

[laughter]

[chuckles]

YOU EVERBEEN IN A CAR ACCIDENT

WITH SOMEONE ELSE THATDOESN'T HAVE INSURANCE EITHER?

[laughter]

MAN, YOU GUYSJUST LOOKED AT EACH OTHER.

EEE.

"SO, WHAT YOUWANNA DO, BIG DOG?

YOU WANNA JUST TAKE OFFOR WHAT, EH?"

[laughter]

"ALL RIGHT, FOOL, LET MEJUST PICK UP MY BUMPER, EH."

IF YOUDON'T HAVE CAR INSURANCE,

AND YOU THINK THAT THE OTHERPERSON MIGHT NOT HAVE INSURANCE.

JUST GRAB ANY PAPEROUT OF YOUR CAR...

AND YOU HOLD ITLIKE IT'S INSURANCE.

IT COULD BE ANY PAPER--

IT COULD BEYOUR EVICTION NOTICE,

IT COULD BEYOUR WEED LICENSE,

YOUR SON'S HOMEWORK...

JUST BELIEVE IN IT.

"HEY, MAN, FOR REAL,YOU GOT INSURANCE?

[sigh]

"YOU GOT INSURANCE?

YOU WANNA JUSTTAKE OFF OR WHAT?"

[laughter]

THE WORST ACCIDENTTO GET INTO IS WITH SOMEONE

THAT JUST CAME HEREFROM ANOTHER COUNTRY.

LIKE MEXICO.

I'M MEXICAN, SOI'M GONNA SAY IT. I KNOW.

[laughter]

THEY HIT YOU,THEY ACT LIKE IT'S YOUR FAULT.

[speaking Spanish]

[heavy accent]"SON OF A GUN!

SON OF A BITCH!"

YOU START SPEAKING ENGLISH,HE GETS SCARED.

"HEY, YOU HAVE INSURANCE?"

[heavy accent]"TAKE IT EASY!

"TAKE IT EASY.

NO PROBLEM, I FIXYOUR CAR RIGHT HERE."

[laughter]

"YOU KNOW ME."

[whistling]

THAT'S THE MEXICANSEAL OF APPROVAL.

THAT'S OUR BATTLE CRY.

[whistles]"WE GOTTA GO."

I'M IN A GOOD MOOD!I'M JUST HAPPY TO BE OUT HERE,

TO BE SOMEWHERE ELSE,YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

'CAUSE I ACTUALLY WAS INA BAD MOOD UNTIL I CAME HERE.

YOU KNOW, MY--I'M GOINGTHROUGH A THING WITH MY BARBER.

MY LAST BARBER--THIS DUDE CUT MY MOLE OFF,

AND HE DIDN'T SAY NOTHING.

I'M SITTING INTHE CHAIR GETTING WEAK,

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY.LIKE, "WHY AM I SLEEPY?"

HEY, Y'ALL GOTTHE GAS ON IN HERE OR SOMETHING?

WHAT'SALL THIS RED STUFF?

[laughter]

MY PARENTS--I GREW UP WITH TWOREALLY STRONG, TOUGH PARENTS,

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?LIKE, MY FATHER WAS CRAZY.

I HAD A '70s FATHERGROWING UP.

SOME OF Y'ALL DON'TEVEN KNOW WHAT THAT IS,

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

EVERY TIME MY DADDYUSED TO TALK,

HE'LL POINT, BEND DOWN,AND STEP BACK. THIS IS MY DADDY.

EVERY TIME HE SAY SOMETHING,

HE'LL POINT, BEND DOWN,AND STEP BACK ON YOU.

AND HE USED TO USEOLD '70s TERMS.

HE'D BE LIKE,

"WHICH ONE OF YOU SUCKERSTAKIN' OUT THE GARBAGE?

"YOU TURKEYS HERESHUCKING AND JIVING.

AND I'M TRYIN' TO COMEIN HERE AND WATCH BUCK ROGERS."

WE BE LIKE, "WHAT'SSHUCKING AND JIVING?"

"THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE DOIN'."

HE NEVER LOOKED AT US,HE JUST POINT--

WE JUST KNEWWHAT WAS GOIN' ON.

"I'M TALKIN' TO YOU.

"THE ONE WITH THE GLASSES.

"BETTER SHOVE BEFORE I KNOCKTHEM OFF AND BLINDSIDE YOUR ASS.

MAKE YOU CROSS THE STREET."

[chuckles]LIKE, DAMN.

THEN MY MOMMASMOKED CIGARETTES.

ANYBODY GROW UP WITH THE MOMMAWITH, LIKE, THE DADDY VOICE?

[laughter]

YOU KNOW HOWSCARY IT IS GROWING UP

AND YOUR MOMMAGOT A DADDY VOICE?

I USED TO WALK IN THE HOUSELIKE, "HOW YOU DOIN', MOMMA?"

"HOW YOU DOIN'?HUH!"

THAT'S HOW SHE USED TO COUGH."HUH!"

"I AIN'T SAID NOTHING.""ME NEITHER. HUH!

THESE ARE SUPPOSEDTO BE LIGHTS."

"THEY ARE LIGHTS.

THAT'S YOUR THROAT."

[laughter]

Y'ALL--Y'ALL LAUGHIN'AT MY MOMMA'S VOICE,

LISTEN, LIKE, HER FINGERSSTAY LIKE THIS REGARDLESS.

YOU SEE THIS?

AND SHE AIN'THAVE A CIGARETTE NOW,

AND SHE BE AT CHURCH LIKE,

"PRAISE THE LORD,HOW Y'ALL DOIN'?

I AIN'TGOT NO SQUARE, HUH!"

WE GOT OUR PROBLEMS TOO.

SO I'MA BOOT CONNOISSEUR, MAN.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I'M IN A CLUB ONE NIGHT,MAN, THIS DUDE WALKED BY ME,

I SAID,"LOOK AT THEM DAMN BOOTS."

I SAID,"NONE OF MY BUSINESS, MAN,

"BUT LOOKAT THEM DAMN BOOTS.

LOOK AT THIS BROTHER BOOTS."

I THOUGHT A BROTHER HADBOUGHT A PAIR OF ROLLER BLADES

AND BROKE OFF THE DAMN WHEELS!

SO THIS BROTHER IS RECYCLING.

AIN'T NONE OFMY DAMN BUSINESS, BROTHER.

ALL I'M SAYIN' IS THIS,

IF YOU'RE GONNABREAK OFF THE WHEELS,

AT LEAST TAKE ALLTHE DAMN SCREWS OUT OF THEM.

BOY, HE WAS TEARIN'THAT CLUB UP.

[imitating grinding]

"OH, THAT'S MY JAM RIGHT THERE.THAT'S ELECTRIC."

[imitating grinding]

MY FATHER, REAL TALL NOW,I CAN'T TALK ABOUT MY MOM

WITHOUT TALKING ABOUT HIM.

THIS DUDE STILLTHINK HE TOUGH.

'CAUSE HE FROM THE BLACK PANTHERERA, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

LIKE, THE ERA WHEN THESE DUDESREALLY STOOD UP

FOR THEIR COMMUNITY,YOU KNOW.

THAT'S OVER WITH,I AIN'T GONNA LIE TO YOU.

BUT HE STILL BE TRYIN'TO FIGHT THE LITTLE THUGS

IN OUR NEIGHBORHOOD,YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

LIKE, I CAME IN THE HOUSEONE DAY AND I TELL HIM, LIKE,

"HEY DAD, THERE'S A BUNCHOF PEOPLE ON YOUR CAR."

HE SAID,"WHAT SUCKERS ON THE CAR?"

I SAID, "GO SEE,"YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

SO HE GO OUTSIDE,LOOKING OUT THE WINDOW ALL...

"I'M ABOUT TO TEACHTHESE SUCKERS A LESSON."

I SAID, "LET METELL YOU SOMETHING, DADDY.

"I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU KNOW,WHAT YOU KNOW ABOUT ANYTHING,

"THESE DUDESARE GANG MEMBERS, OKAY?

"THEY'RE, LIKE,GANGSTER DISCIPLES.

"I DON'T KNOWIF YOU WATCH ANY OF

"THESE GANGSTERBIOGRAPHIES OR DOCUMENTARIES,

THIS IS THE CRAZIEST GANGIN THE WORLD."

"I AIN'T SCARED OF NO DISCIPLE,I WAS A DRAGON."

"A DRAGON?WHAT YOU TALKIN' ABOUT?

HE SAID, "I WASA DRAGON, SUCKER!"

"WE WAS A BAND AND A GANG,WE HAD RUMBLES AND GIGS.

"I HELD THE BASEBALL BATAND HAD THE TRUMPET."

"MY MAN,YOU MAKIN' THIS UP."

"NO, I'M NOT.NANCY, GET THE JACKET."

"WHICH ONE, THE BLUE JEANOR THE LEATHER? HUH!"

"WHICH ONE YOU WANT?I'M COOKIN'.

JESUS!WHICH ONE YOU WANT?"

"GIVE ME THE BLUE JEAN."

[chuckles]

THAT DUDE PUT ONHIS LITTLE DRAGON JACKET.

YOU EVER SEEN THE FEMALES

WITH THE LITTLEBABY PHAT JEAN JACKETS?

THAT'S HOWHIS DRAGON JACKET LOOKED.

IT STARTS RIGHT HEREAT HIS STOMACH.

HE AIN'T HADNO SHIRT ON WITH IT.

HE EVEN HADNO GANG NAME ON IT.

HE HAD HIS REAL NAME"MILTON" ON THE FRONT OF IT.

"YOU AIN'T NO GANG."

"NO SUCKER, MILTON.MILTON HOWERY.

I PLAYED THE TRUMPETAND KICK ASS."

[laughter]

NOW THIS DUDE WALKED OUTSIDEWITH HIS DRAGON JACKET ON,

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

"LET ME TELL YOU SUCKASWHO I AM RIGHT NOW.

"I'M THE SCARIESTTHING YOU EVER SEEN.

"A BLACK MAN WITH A JOB.

"WITH PROPERTY.

AND I'M ABOUTTO KICK YOUR ASS."

"LOOK HERE, OLD MAN.LOOK, JOE,

"WE DON'T WANNA HURT YOU,YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

"YOU OUT HERE BY YOURSELF,YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

LIKE, YOU BY YOURSELF.REALLY, WHO GONNA HELP YOU?"

"LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING,JIMMY ON HIS WAY."

JIMMY, HE THE ONLYOTHER LIVING DRAGON LEFT,

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

THIS DUDE PULL UP INA VAN WITH CURTAINS ON IT,

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

WITH THE BLUES PLAYIN'.

THESE DUDES GOT GUNS,JIMMY A GLOVE HE PUTTIN' ON

WITH THE FINGERS CUT OUTLIKE IT'S GONNA SCARE THEM.

WHAT ARE YOU GONNASCARE WITH THAT?

[chuckles]

NOW THE MESSED UP--JIMMY, HE CAN'T HEAR THAT WELL.

YOU EVER SEESOMEBODY SO OLD

THEY GOTTA TAKE OFFTHEIR GLASSES JUST TO HEAR YOU?

[laughter]

HE GOT OUT OF THE VAN LIKE,"MILTON, WHAT'S GOIN' ON?

"MAN, YOU CALLED ME.HOLD ON, WHAT?

YOU TELL THEMWE DRAGONS, RIGHT?"

MY MOMMA IN THE WINDOW,TALKIN' ABOUT "DRAGONS!"