Pet Store/Maid Service

  • Season 2, Ep 3
  • 07/15/2014

Nathan places a controversial ad in a pet cemetery, takes tips from a focus group in order to become more likeable and devises a method to clean a house in six minutes flat.

YOU'D THINK IT WOULDSELL ITSELF.

BUT JENNIFER BERARDINI AT PETMANIA IN BURBANK, CALIFORNIA,

KNOWS THAT IT TAKES MORE THANJUST A CUTE LITTLE FACE

TO BRING IN CUSTOMERS.

- WE ADVERTISE ONLINE,

A LITTLE BIT OF PRINT MAIL,

SIGN ADVERTISING, FLYERS.

IN THE BURBANK TIMESTHEY RUN OUR AD CONTINUOUSLY.

- BUT EFFECTIVE ADVERTISINGISN'T ABOUT QUANTITY.

IT'S ABOUT LOCATION.

SO I CAME TO JENNIFER

WITH A TARGETED WAYTO REACH POTENTIAL CUSTOMERS.

WHEN SOMEONE HAS A PET,AND THE PET DIES,

THEY WANT TO GET A NEW ONE.

- ABSOLUTELY.

[bird caws]JOEY.

- SO I WOULD THINK THE BESTPLACE FOR YOU TO ADVERTISE

WOULD BE AT A PET CEMETERY.

- [chuckles]OH. COULD BE.

- THE PROBLEM ISMOST PET CEMETERIES

DON'T ALLOW ADVERTISEMENTS.

- RIGHT.- BUT THERE'S NO LAW

ABOUT WHAT YOU'RE ALLOWEDTO PUT ON A GRAVESTONE.

- PARDON?

- BY PUTTING AN AD FOR PET MANIAON A DEAD PET'S TOMBSTONE,

JENNIFER WOULD HAVE A PERMANENTBILLBOARD IN A PET CEMETERY

THAT WOULD BE SEENBY ALL THE PEOPLE

THAT JUST LOST THEIR PETS.

THE PLAN: MARKET TO MOURNERSBY ADVERTISING ON A GRAVESTONE.

- I'M NOT SURE.

SOME PEOPLE ARE GONNATAKE IT ONE WAY,

AND SOME PEOPLE ARE GONNATAKE IT ANOTHER WAY.

AND THEY'RE GONNA BE OFFENDED.

- OBVIOUSLY, I WOULD DO THISVERY TASTEFULLY

WHILE, AT THE SAME TIME,MEET THE ADVERTISING GOALS

OF THE PET STORE.

- OKAY.

I'VE RUN INTO A SURPRISINGAMOUNT OF PEOPLE

I SEEM TO RUB THE WRONG WAY.- TAKE YOUR PIZZA

AND STICK IT UP YOUR ASS.

- YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE?

YOU REMIND ME OF THE WIZARDOF LONELINESS.

[not audible][pleasant music playing]

- I'M NOT SURE WHY THAT IS,BUT I KNOW THAT AS A TV HOST

HAVING A PERSONALITY THAT PEOPLEDON'T LIKE IS BAD FOR BUSINESS.

AND THAT'S WHYI NEEDED TO MAKE A CHANGE.

SO FOR THE FIRST WEEK OFSHOOTING MY SHOW THIS SEASON,

I HIRED A FOCUS GROUPTHAT REPRESENTS

A CROSS-SECTIONOF AMERICAN SOCIETY

TO WATCH MY EVERY MOVEFROM A NEARBY BOX TRUCK.

TELL ME A LITTLE BITABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.

- WE HAVE THE DOORS.WE HAVE MAHOGANY WOOD.

- USING A HIDDEN EAR PIECE,

THEY WERE ABLE TO GIVE MEREAL-TIME FEEDBACK ON THE FLY.

- WE HAVE OAK.

- EXPRESS YOURSELFWITH YOUR HANDS,

WITH YOUR SHOULDERS,WITH ANYTHING.

- SO YOU'VE GOT THE BEST PRICESIN TOWN.

THAT WOULD HELP ME BECOMEA MORE LIKABLE HOST.

WOW.THAT'S REALLY COOL TO HEAR.

- YEAH.THERE YOU GO.

- THEY TOLD ME HOW TO ENGAGEWITH MY AUDIENCE MORE.

- LIKE 500 MODELS OF DOORSYOU COULD CHOOSE FROM.

- NOW DO YOU MANUFACTUREALL THE DOORS IN THIS BUILDING?

- WE MANUFACTURE MOST OF THEMIN THIS BUILDING, YES.

- THERE YOU GO.GOOD JOB.

- AND THEY ALSO HAD SOME FASHIONTIPS TO MAKE ME MORE RELATABLE.

- I THINK A V-NECKWOULD GO WELL WITH YOU.

- A V-NECK?REALLY?

- A BLAZER.

A T-SHIRT WITH A BLAZERMIGHT WORK.

- YEAH. THAT'S SORT OFA POPULAR STYLE RIGHT NOW.

- YEAH.

- THE ONLY ISSUEWE ENCOUNTERED EARLY ON

WAS THAT IT WAS HARDFOR THE GROUP TO STAY FOCUSED

WHILE WE WERE MOBILE.

- WHOA!- OHH...

- BUT WE QUICKLYFOUND A SOLUTION TO THAT

BY BOLTING DOWN THE TABLESAND STRAPPING THEM IN

WHILE THE TRUCK WAS MOVING.

[wood creaking]

AS THE WEEK WENT ON,I WAS ABLE TO EVOLVE MY STYLE

TO BECOME MORE IN LINEWITH THEIR TASTES,

AND A MORE LIKABLE MEWAS STARTING TO TAKE SHAPE.

GOOD TO MEET YOU, MAN.- GOOD TO MEET YOU TOO.

- SO TELL ME ABOUTYOUR FOOT MASSAGE PARLOR.

- OH, THERE WE GO.

- BODY MOTIONS ARE GREAT.

- WE ALSO DO FACIALAND HEAD, TOO.

- NOW, EVERYONE LOVESA FOOT MASSAGE, RIGHT?

- OH, GREAT.HE LOOKED OUT AT THE CAMERA.

- GREAT LOOKING AT THE CAMERA.GOOD JOB.

- THE GROUP WAS ABSOLUTELYLOVING WHO I WAS NOW.

NOW, IS THAT A SOAPY WATEROR IS IT JUST

PLAIN WATER?- JUST THE WATER, JUST CLEAN,

PURE--JUST WATER, YES.- JUST WATER.

WOW.THAT'S SO INTERESTING.

- THERE YOU GO.- GOOD! GOOD.

- AND EVEN THOUGH I WAS STILLGETTING USED TO IT,

IT SEEMED LIKE I HAD BECOMEA BETTER VERSION OF ME.

BUT BEFORE FULLY COMMITTINGTO THIS,

I WANTED TO PUTMY NEW PERSONALITY

THROUGH THE ULTIMATE TEST.

AND WE'LL SEE THAT IN A BIT.

IS ONE OF LIFE'S GREAT LUXURIES.

BUT WHAT BEGINS AS A DESIRETO HAVE A TIDY HOUSE

OFTEN TURNS INTOA DAY-LONG DANCE

WHERE YOUR HOMEISN'T FULLY YOURS.

- IT'S OKAY IF I GOTO CLEANING AROUND HERE?

- OH, YOU WANNA CLEANIN HERE NOW?

- HERE?- OH, YEAH, YEAH.

A HOUSE CLEAN

IS A FULL-DAY INCONVENIENCE.[vacuum humming]

AND THAT GAVE ME AN IDEA THATWOULD HELP CANDY PALLARES,

OF THE HELP MAID SERVICEIN GLENDALE, CALIFORNIA,

OFFER HER CUSTOMERSA SPEEDIER CLEAN.

NATHAN.- HOW ARE YOU DOING?

- I ALWAYS DO A WEAK HANDSHAKEUP FRONT

TO ESTABLISHTHAT I'M NOT A THREAT.

- OKAY.[laughs]

- OKAY.- OKAY. THAT'S NICE.

- JUST SOMETHING--YEAH.- OH, COOL.

- AND AFTER SOME SMALL TALK,WE GOT DOWN TO BUSINESS.

- A LOT OF PEOPLE JUST WANT TWOPEOPLE THERE FOR TWO HOURS,

AND THEY USUALLY CAN DOA GENERAL CLEANING OF THINGS.

- SO ONE MAID TAKES FOUR HOURS.

TWO MAIDS TAKES TWO HOURS.

- MM-HM.- BY THAT LOGIC,

40 MAIDS COULD CLEAN A HOUSEIN SIX MINUTES.

- YES.

- BY OFFERING TO CLEAN HOUSES40 MAIDS AT A TIME,

CANDY WOULD NOT ONLY DOUBLETHE AMOUNT OF JOBS

SHE COULD DO IN A DAY, BUT HERCUSTOMERS WOULD LIKELY PAY

A PREMIUM FEE FOR A SERVICETHAT ALLOWS THEM TO HAVE

A SPOTLESS HOMEIN THE TIME IT TAKES

TO GO OUTAND GRAB A CUP OF COFFEE.

THE PLAN: FOR THE HELP TO OFFERTHE FASTEST CLEAN IN THE COUNTRY

WITH 40 MAIDS.

- WELL, IF A CUSTOMER, I MEAN,ASKED FOR THAT--

IF THEY WANT 20 PEOPLE,40 PEOPLE IN THEIR HOUSE,

I COULD PROVIDE ITBECAUSE I HAVE THE TEAMS.

BUT THEY'VE NEVERREALLY ASKED FOR

A TURBO-CLEANOR ANYTHING LIKE THAT.

- NO ONE KNOWSTO ASK FOR SOMETHING

THAT HASN'T BEEN INVENTED YET.

- IT JUST--I DON'T KNOWHOW IT WOULD WORK.

- CANDY WAS INTRIGUED,

BUT KNOWING THAT COORDINATIONWOULD BE OUR BIGGEST CHALLENGE,

I FIRST NEEDED TO DO A TEST.

SO I FOUND A GUY WHO WAS WILLINGTO TRY OUT THE SERVICE.

DO YOU KNOW THAT MEASUREMENTSOF THIS ROOM?

AND MAPPED OUT A DETAILED FLOORPLAN OF THE INSIDE OF HIS HOUSE.

OH, IS THERE SOMETHING?

- YEAH.I THINK SOMEBODY

STEPPED IN DOG SHIT OUTSIDE ANDBROUGHT IT IN HERE, SO...

- OH.I HOPE THAT WASN'T ME.

SO I GUESS THEY'LL GET THAT,TOO, THEN.

- THAT'D BE GREAT.- YEAH.

WITH A HOUSE TO CLEAN, THE NEXTDAY I HAD CANDY ASSEMBLE

FOUR OF HER BEST MAIDS BACK ATTHE OFFICE TO BE TEAM LEADERS.

SEVEN IN THE KITCHEN,FIVE IN THE LIVING ROOM...

AND TOGETHER, WE CAME UPWITH A SURE-FIRE PLAN

TO EXECUTE A SIX-MINUTE CLEAN.

FOR THIS TO WORK, THE MAIDSWOULD HAVE TO TRAVEL TOGETHER,

SO I HAD A BUS RENTEDAND OUTFITTED WITH BRANDING.

AND I PARKED ITAT A CENTRAL LOCATION

WHERE ALL THE MAIDS COULD MEET.

CANDY WAS ABLE TO ASSEMBLE THE40 WE NEEDED FROM HER ROSTER.

AND AFTER DIVIDING THEMINTO GROUPS,

THE TEAM LEADERS ASSIGNED EACHINDIVIDUAL MAID A SPECIFIC TASK.

AND AFTER ALL THE MAIDSLOADED ONTO THE BUS,

CANDY HAD TO HEAD BACKTO THE OFFICE.

SO IT WAS ALL UP TO METO MAKE THIS WORK.

- LET'S DO THIS.- OKAY.

- OKAY.- OKAY.

- KNOWING THAT THIS WOULD HAVETO BE EXECUTED LIKE CLOCKWORK,

WHILE EN ROUTE TO THE HOUSE,I MADE SURE THAT EACH MAID

HAD HER INDIVIDUAL ROLEDOWN PAT.

WHAT'S YOUR JOB?

- I'M DOING THE MOPPINGUNDER THE B--THE, UH, BED.

- YOU SEEM A BIT UNSURE,SO I JUST--

YOU CAN'T BE SECOND-GUESSINGWHEN WE'RE IN THERE.

IT'S GONNA GO REALLY FAST.

WHAT'S YOUR JOB?

THE SINK?IS THAT GONNA TAKE SIX MINUTES,

THE SINK?- MM-HM. YEAH.

- IT WILL TAKE SIX MINUTES?- MM-HMM.

- OKAY.

MOMENTS LATER, WE ARRIVEDAT THE CLIENT'S HOME.

THERE WAS NOTHING MORE I COULDDO TO PREPARE THEM NOW.

ALL RIGHT.WE'RE GONNA DO THIS.

- OKAY.NOW?

- YEAH.THE FUTURE OF MY CONCEPT

WAS IN THE HANDSOF A BUS FULL OF MAIDS.

ALL RIGHT.READY, GO!

[women speaking Spanish,chattering]

- GO, GO, GO.

- FASTER.GO, GO, GO, GO, GO, GO, GO, GO.

[intense drumming]

PICK UP THE PACE.

HURRY IN.

[drumming continueswhile women chatter]

IT'S COOL, HUH?

- OH, YEAH.THIS IS AMAZING.

- ARE YOU IN A RELATIONSHIPRIGHT NOW?

- L.A. IS A REALLY TOUGH TOWN[laughing]

TO MEET GOOD PEOPLE.

SO I GUESS THAT MAKES MEIN BETWEEN RELATIONSHIPS.

[intense drumming,women chattering]

- WHAT WAS YOUR LASTRELATIONSHIP?

- UM, WELL, YOU KNOW,WE WERE PRETTY SERIOUS

AND PLAYED HOUSE FOR A WHILE.

YADDA, YADDA, YADDA.

SHE, UH,MARRIED HER EX-BOYFRIEND,

AND, UH, I'M IN L.A.TRAINING DOGS.

- OH, CRAP.

HURRY, HURRY, HURRYAS FAST AS YOU CAN.

[chattering]

LET'S GO, GUYS.COME ON.

GREAT JOB.COME ON, GUYS.

COME ON, GUYS.

ONCE ALL 40 MAIDS WERE OUT,

I BROUGHT JIM IN TO SEE IF HEWAS SATISFIED WITH HIS CLEAN.

- IT HASN'T LOOKED THIS GOODSINCE WE MOVED IN.

REALISTICALLY, IT HASN'T LOOKEDTHIS GOOD SINCE I MOVED IN.

AND THIS PLACE WAS DIRTY, TOO,I MEAN...

- YEAH.- YOU KNOW.

- YEAH.IT LOOKED TERRIBLE.

ALL RIGHT, GUYS.

WE DIDN'T HIT OUR SIX MINUTESEXACTLY.

WE WERE 8 MINUTESAND 16 SECONDS.

REGARDLESS, JIM WAS VERY HAPPYWITH HIS CLEAN.

- AMAZING JOB.Y'ALL DID A WONDERFUL JOB.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.ABSOLUTELY.

- WHAT DO YOU THINK OF JIM?

HE'S SUCH A GREAT GUYFOR HOSTING YOU, HUH?

[women and Jim giggling]

AND, UH...HE'S SINGLE...

LADIES? I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'REINTERESTED IN ANY OF THEM.

- YOU'RE VERY KIND, BUT THEY DIDALL THE HARD WORK.

THEY DESERVE APPLAUSE.THEY REALLY DID A GOOD JOB.

THANK YOU.- IF YOU'RE LUCKY,

HE COULD DOSOME HARD WORK ON YOU.

[clears throat]

[sighs]ALL RIGHT.

I WAS SO IMPRESSED THAT I PULLEDOFF A RAPID HOUSE CLEAN,

I HELPED A PRIVATE INVESTIGATORNAMED BRIAN WOLFE

WHO WASN'T TOO FONDOF MY NATURAL PERSONALITY.

- YOU'RE IN A [bleep] PINK SHIRTAND EVERYTHING ELSE.

OH, YOU'RE KILLING ME.

- BUT NOW, THANKS TO THE ADVICEOF A DIVERSE FOCUS GROUP,

I WAS ABLE TO TRANSFORMINTO A MORE LIKABLE PERSON.

SO FOR MY FINAL TEST,I VISITED BRIAN AT HIS HOME

TO SEE WHAT HE THOUGHT OFTHE NEW ME.

SO I'VE COME A LONG WAY SO FAR,THANKS TO YOU.

BEFORE I GO IN TONIGHTTO TALK TO BRIAN,

I JUST WANTED TO KNOWDO I LOOK OKAY?

IS ALL THE...OUTFIT?- YOU LOOK GOOD.

YOU'RE DRESSED, AGAIN--IT FITS YOU PERFECT,

THE V-NECK AND THE BLAZER.

- THIS IS GOOD?- YEAH. IT FITS YOU.

IT FITS YOU.- OKAY. AND SO THIS IS ME.

- THIS IS YOU.BE PROUD OF WHO YOU ARE.

- WITH THOSE ENCOURAGING WORDS,

I MARCHED INTO BRIAN'S HOUSETO SEE IF MY NEW PERSONALITY

WOULD WIN HIM OVER.

BRIAN.

- NATHAN. HOW YOU DOING?HOW YOU BEEN?

- I WANT TO TELL YOU SOMETHING,BRIAN.

LAST TIME I WAS HERE,I WAS A LITTLE NERVOUS.

- OKAY.

- AND I WASN'T REALLYBEING MYSELF.

SO I THOUGHTWE COULD DO THIS AGAIN.

- OKAY.- AND THIS TIME,

YOU CAN GET TO KNOWTHE REAL ME.

- LOOK AT YOU.

YOU'RE STILL A GOOBER,BUT THAT'S JUST YOU.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT,

GOOBER?WHAT'S THAT MEAN?

- GOOBER JUST MEANSLIKE A DORK, A NERD.

- I'M A NERD.- YOU KNOW YOU'RE A NERD.

YOU'VE BEEN A NERDYOUR ENTIRE LIFE.

THERE'S NOTHING WRONGWITH BEING A [bleep] NERD.

YOU'RE A NERD.- I'M NOT A NERD.

- ALL RIGHT, WELL, YOU KNOW,THAT'S MY OPINION.

SERIOUSLY, IF I THREW A FOOTBALLAT YOU RIGHT NOW,

YOU THINK YOU COULD CATCH IT?

- I COULD CATCH THE FOOTBALL.- YOU CAN CATCH A FOOTBALL?

- YEAH.- I DOUBT IT.

I DOUBT YOU CAN CATCHA FOOTBALL.

- BRIAN STILL DIDN'T LIKE ME.

AND AFTER ALL THE WORKI HAD DONE, I DIDN'T KNOW WHY.

- DON'T BE SAD.IT'S OKAY.

- THEN, WHEN I RETURNEDTO THE TRUCK,

I WAS SHOCKED TO DISCOVERTHAT THE GROUP WAS TRYING TO

DISTANCE THEMSELVESFROM THEIR OWN SUGGESTIONS.

- IT'S TOO LOW.

THE V-NECK.IT'S JUST TOO LOW.

- WHY DIDN'T YOU SPEAK UPBEFORE?

I ASKED BEFORE I WENT INIF THIS WAS GOOD.

- I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS GONNA BETHAT LOW, MAN.

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?YOU DIDN'T LIKE THE V-NECK?

- NOT THAT LOW.- I ASKED YOU GUYS

BEFORE I WENT IN WHAT DO YOUTHINK OF THIS LOOK?

- V-NECK IS THIS, NOT HERE.- YOU GUYS SAID

YOU LIKED THE LOOK.- IT FITS YOU PERFECTLY,

V-NECK AND THE BLAZER.

- THAT'S WHEN I REALIZEDTHERE WAS A MAJOR FLAW

WITH MY ENTIRE EXPERIMENT.

THIS NEW PERSONALITYWAS BASED ON THE JUDGMENT

OF FOUR PEOPLE WHO HAD AGREEDTO WORK OUT OF THE BACK

OF A MOVING BOX TRUCK.

OF COURSE IT WAS FLAWED.

IN THE END, MAYBETHERE WAS NOTHING I COULD DO

TO BECOME THE GUYTHAT EVERYONE LOVES.

BUT FOR A BRIEF MOMENT IN TIME,

IT FELT NICE THINKINGTHAT I HAD A CHANCE.

CAN I GET A LITTLERUBBY-DUB-DUB?

- HO HO HO HO!

- NICE.- GOOD ONE.

GOOD ONE.GOOD ONE.

- ALL RIGHT.

[upbeat music]

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