Wednesday, July 30, 2014

  • 07/30/2014

Matt Braunger, Hasan Minhaj and Emily Heller list #NewSyfyOriginals, figure out which bizarre apps are real and come up with Kickstarter campaigns that don't deserve funding.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S "RAPID REFRESH".

SO, THIS IS SOMETHING THATHAPPENS ALL THE TIME IN SPAIN.

YESTERDAY, A GUY IN AN OPENSHIRT AT A DANCE CLUB THREW A

PUNCH AT ANOTHER GUY HESUSPECTED WAS SLEEPING WITH HIS

EX.

SO WHY WOULD THIS STORY ROUSETHE SPANIARDS FROM THEIR

AFTERNOON SLEEPYTIME?

BECAUSE ORLANDO BLOOM WAS THEPUNCHER AND JUSTIN BIEBER WAS

THE PUNCHEE!

LUCKILY THE WHOLENING WASCAPTURED BY A NORWEGIAN REPORTER

AND I'M FAIRLY CERTAIN HE HASBEEN NARRATED BY THE SWEDISH

CHEF.

TAKE A LOOK.

>>BORK, BORK, BORK!

FOR BONUS POINTS: BOXERS AREKNOWN FOR THEIR COLORFUL

NICKNAMES, SO COMEDIANS WHATWOULD JUSTIN BIEBER'S BOXERER

NAME BE. HASAN.

>> THE GREAT WHITE NOPE.

>> YEAH GOOD, POINTS. EMILYHELLER.

>> OSCAR DE LA BOYA.

>> NICE, I LIKE IT, POINTS.EXCELLENT.

MOVING ON, JACK WHITE IS NOTONLY AN INTERNATIONAL ROCK STAR

WHO SPENCT YAERS CLAIMING THECHICK HE WAS BANGING WAS HIS

SISTER, HE'S ALSO A HUGE FAN OFBASEBALL.

A FEW WEEKS BACK A PHOTO OF HIMHAVING A GREAT TIME A THE CUBS

GAME MADE THE ROUNDS ON TWITTER.

>> I'M SORRY.

THAT'S A PICTURE OF A DRIFTERMOMENTS BEFORE HE MURDERS AN

UNSUSPECTING HITCHHIKER WITH HISMIND.

YESTERDAY, WHITE WAS ABLE TOACHIEVE EVERY BASEBALL FAN'S

DREAM BY THROWING OUT THE FIRSTPITCH AT HIS HOME TEAM'S GAME

AND TWITTER CAPTURED THE PUREUNADULTERATED JOY ON HIS FACE.

( LAUGHTER ).

>> BOY, IS HE DEPRESSED BECAUSEHE'S JACK WHITE OR BECAUSE HE'S

PITCHING IN DETROIT?

>> I DON'T KNOW.

COMEDIANS, PLEASE GIVE ME ONESTATISTIC OR FACT THAT WOULD BE

ON THE BACK OF THIS PITCHER'SBASEBALL CARD.

MATT BRAUNGER.

>> LEAD THE LEAGUE IN SOULSTAKEN TO HELL.

>> POINTS. EMILY.

>> PITCHEDDED A NO-HITTER ON HISLAST ALBUM.

YEAH, OH, NICE. POINTS.

( APPLAUSE )>> MOVE OVER, CHARLIE.

GET OVER YOURSELF, DAVID AFTERDENTIST.

THERE'S A NEW ADORABLE TODDLERVIDEO THE INTERNET HAS DECIDED

TO SHARE INCESSANTLY.

THE VIDEO WAS POSTED YESTERDAYAND ALREADY HAS OVER 5 MILLION

VIEWS.

IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN IT, IT'SPROBABLY BECAUSE YOUR MOM'S

FORWARDS ALWAYS END UP IN YOURJUNK FOLDER BECAUSE YOU CREATED

A RULE IN GMAIL TO MAKE THATHAPPEN.

JACK, ROLL THAT CLIP!

>> I DON'T WANT TO GROW UP.

>> YOU WANT TO STAY LITTLEFOREVER?

>> YES, I'M SO CUTE!

( LAUGHTER )>> YOU GUYS, I HAVE TO LEAVE.

MY OVARIES ARE ACTING UP RIGHTNOW.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )>> OH, MY GOD.

THIS IS SUPER ADORBS, BUT THENSADIE DROPS THE REAL BOMBSHELL.

I DON'T WANNA DIE 'TIL I'M 100.

>> WHOA.

(BLEEP) JUST GOT REAL.

WE ARE WATCHING A LITTLE GIRLSTRUGGLE WITH MORTALITY

>> I DON'T WANT TO LIVE TO BE100 EITHER.

I WANT TO HAROLD AND MAUDE ITAND ON MY 80th BIRTHDAY I

WANT TO ( BLEEP ) A 17-YEAR-OLDAND KILL MYSELF.

>> 100 POINTS FOR EMILY.

NOW IT'S TIME FOR TONIGHT'S#HASHTAGWARS.

OH MY GOD, YOU GUYS. I DON'TKNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING TONIGHT,

BUT THE LONG-AWAITED SEQUEL TO"SHARKNADO" PREMIERED ON SYFY

BUT A LIVE TWEET-STORM FOLLOWED.

WE DECIDED TO JUMP IN WITH THEHASHTAG

#NEWSYFYORIGINALS.

SO EXAMPLES MIGHT BE, CREATUREFROM THE DEEP SEACREST.

OR, BADGER-CANO.

OR ESCAPE FROM BIG FOOT'SVAGINA.

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND GO.

YES, BRAUNGER.

>> COBRA BONER VS. ESCAPESMONGOOSE BOOBS.

WAIT, IS THAT -- DOES HE HAVE ACOBRA FOR A BOBER, OR IS IT A

COBRA WITH A BONER?

>> IT'S A GIANT BONER WITH ASNAKE'S HEAD.

OH THAT'S WAY BETTER! POINTS,GOOD. YES, HASAN.

>> BATTLE STAR GALAXITOSEINTOLERANT.

YES POINTS. EMILY.

>> SQUIRREL-A-CANE.

YES, POINTS. BRAUNGER.

>> BICLOPS, THE BISEXUAL SICLOPSWITH TWO EYES.

>> POINTS. EMILY.

>> GAS-SCWACH, THE HUNT FOR BIGFART.

OK, GOOD, POINTS. HASAN.

>> ALIEN VERSUS CREDITOR.

>> YES, YES.>> IT'S FOR ADULTS.

POINTS. BRAUNGER.

>> MASTURBATING MONKEYHURRICANE.

>> THE SOUND OF THAT WOULD BETERRIFYING.

POINTS.

>> BAAAAA!

>> PAAAHHHHH. THEY'RE THROWINGIT EVERYWHERE!

EMILY.

>> TITTY TWISTER.

>> YES, POINTS.

EXCELLENT.

"THIS IS NOT HAPPENING."

XOJANE.com HAS A REGULAR COLUMNCALLED, "IT HAPPENED TO ME,"

WHICH IS USUALLY FOLLOWED BY ATITLE SO HORRIFYING, YOU CAN'T

IMAGINE ANYONE ACTUALLY WANTINGANYONE TO KNOW IT HAPPENED TO

THEM.

I'M GOING TO READ YOU PART OF ATITLE, AND I WANT YOU TO FILL IN

WHAT YOU THINK THE SECONDHALF IS. OKAY.

FIRST ONE-- IT HAPPENED TO ME.

I WENT TO REHAB BLANK. HASAN.

>> I WENT TO REHAB AND NOW IHAVE TO GIVE ANDI DICKS RIDE

HOMES FOREVER.

POINTS. BRAUNGER.

>> I WENT TO REHAB TO MYADDICTION FOR ( BLEEP ) OMELETS.

YOU HAVE TO DO IT IN PUBLIC ORIT'S NO FUN.

WHEN HE ( BLEEP ) IN THE OMELET,THAT'S HIS GRAND SLAM.

>> 100 POINTS FOR HASAN.

>> IT'S HARD NOT TO PICTURE YOUDOING THAT DRESSED LIKE THAT.

>> I'M USING THIS CREEPYMUSTACHE AS MUCH AS I CAN.

>> GOING ON AN OMELET RODEO.

EIGHT SECONDS.

GOT YOUR OMELET?

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

>> I WANT TO REHAB BLANK IS THECORRECT ANSWER.

AT A SCIENTOLOGY RECRUITMENTCENTER.

NOT AS FUNNY AS OMELET ( BLEEP )AT ALL.

NEXT ONE: I LET AN INTERNET GUYSPANK ME FOR BLANK.

YES, EMILY.

>> I LET AN INTERNET GUY SPANKME FOR CALLING "STAR WARS"

BORING THE LAST TIME I WAS ON"@MIDNIGHT."

>> YOU DID CALL "STAR WARS"BORING AND YOU WENT HOME AND LET

SOMEONE SPANK YOU FOR THAT?

>> YEAH.

I TOOK MY PENANCE.

THIS IS YOUR SHOW.

>> POINTS!

>> I APPRECIATE THE FOLLOW-UP.

>> YEAH.>> LET'S FIND OUT.

I LET AN INTERNET GUY SPANKED MEFOR A COACH WRISTLET.

WELL, YOU GOT RIPPED OFF. ALLRIGHT, LAST ONE.

>> IT HAPPENED TO ME, MY BUTTEXPLODED WITH PUS AND ALL I GOT

WAS--

>> PLEASE BE THIS LOUSY T-SHIRT.HASAN.

>> THREE LIKES. (BLEEP)FACEBOOK.

>> POINTS.

LET'S FIND OUT.

THE ACTUAL ANSWER WAS ACHEESEBURGER.

>> HOW!

>> WHAT!

"APP OR CRAP?"

APPS-- THEY'RE THOSE THINGS ONYOUR PHONE THAT YOU USE WHILE

YOU IGNORE THE PERSON YOU'REHAVING A CONVERSATION WITH.

WE FOUND A FEW REALLY GREATRIDICULOUS APPS THAT ACTUALLY

EXIST.

I'M GOING TO NAME TWO POSSIBLEAPPS, AND FOR 250 POINTS, YOU

TELL ME WHICH ONE IS REAL.

FIRST ONE:ISLENDINGABOK-- AN APP THAT

SHOWS ICELANDERS HOW CLOSELYRELATED THEY ARE BY BUMPING

PHONES AND EMITS AN "INCESTPREVENTION ALARM" IF THEY'RE

ABOUT TO HOOK UP WITH ARELATIVE.

OR FLENDISGURT-- AN ICELANDICAPP THAT RATES SHEEP ON A

SCALE OF 1 TO 10 REGARDING THEIRPHYSICAL ATTRACTIVENESS.

EMILY.

( LAUGHTER )>> I THINK I'M GOING TO SAY

ISLENDINGABOK.

>> ISLENDINGABOK. LET'S TAKE ALOOK.

>> THE DIFFICULTY IN KNOWING WHOTHEY'RE RELATED TO.

>> YOU KNOW, ICELAND IS A VERYSMALL PLACE, AND, QUITE FRANKLY,

IT'S VERY DIFFICULT TO TELLWHITE PEOPLE APART.

( LAUGHTER )

IS THERE A THING, YOU CAN FINDOUT WHO YOUR SECOND COUSINS ARE?

AT LIKE, FAMILY REUNIONS ANDWEDDINGS?

>> I THINK IN THE SETTINGS YOUCAN SET IT TO FIRST, SECOND,

THIRD COUSINS.

>> NEVER AGAIN.

>> KNOCKED APP-- AN APP THATALLOWS YOU TO TAKE PICTURES OF

YOUR FRIENDS AND MAKE THEM LOOKPREGNANT.

OR METH MOUTH BUDDIES-- AN APPTHAT ALLOWS YOU TO TAKE PICTURES

OF YOUR FRIENDS AND MAKE THEMLOOK LIKE THEY HAVE A LIFE-

THREATENING DRUG ADDICTION.

HASAN.

KNOCKED APP.

>> LET'S FIND OUT. LET'S FINDOUT.

THE CORRECT ANSWER IS KNOCKEDAPP.

"KICKSTOP IT."

THERE ARE SOME GREAT KICKSTARTERPROJECTS OUT THERE.

UNFORTUNATELY, THERE ARE WAY TOOMANY THAT NO ONE IN THEIR RIGHT

MIND WOULD INVEST IN.

SOME REAL RIDICULOUSKICKSTARTERS ARE BUTT BREAD-- "I

WANT TO MAKE HOMEMADE BUTTBREAD," AND

"DRINK A RED BULL IN EVERYSTATE, POST VIDEO ON YOUTUBE."

THOSE ARE TWO BEING KICKSTARTEDCURRENTLY THAT MAYBE MEAN

SOMETHING TO YOU SO GO AND GIVETO BUT BREAD OR RED BULL STATE.

COMEDIANS, I WANT YOU TO COME UPWITH KICKSTARTER PROJECTS THAT

ARE LESS DESERVING OF FUNDINGTHAN THE REAL ONES.

LET'S PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND GO.

YES, EMILY.

>> HELP ME BUY ONE APPLE ATWHOLE FOODS.

>> POINTS.

POINTS.

BRAUNGER.

>> HEROIN FOR GORILLAS.

THEY NEED A RELEASE. YES, HASAN.

>> A PORNO CALLED SCHINDLER'SLUST.

IT'S IN BLACK AND WHITE SO IT'STASTEFUL.

>> OK, POINTS. POINTS. EMILY.

>> DICK-FARTER-- IF YOU DONATE$5 I WILL FART ON YOUR DICKS.

>> WHAT IF LIKE, 10,000 PEOPLECONTRIBUTED TO THAT?

>> EVEN BETTER!

>> POINTS. BRAUNGER.

>> A TATTOO ON MY DICK OF ABIGGER DICK.

>> POINTS. EMILY.

>> HELP ME FINANCE THIS BURNINGPILE OF MONEY.

GENIUS, POINTS. BRAUNGER.

>> MMA CLASS FOR BABIES.

POINTS. HASAN.

>> A DOCUMENTARY ON THE RISE ANDFALL OF THE MICROSOFT ZUNE.

>> YES, POINTS. EMILY.>> RIP.

>> GARDEN STATE, TWO.

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