ULTIMATE SKETCH ARCHIVE
Neil deGrasse Tyson schools his wife on multiverse theory, the valets get pumped about "Game of Thrones," and a telemarketer employs an unexpected strategy.
Welcome to the team,Mr. Wise.
Now, being an ArizonaAssistant State's Attorney
is an important job,
one we takevery seriously.
In fact, we are willingto do anything to win.
It's my honor, sir.
And I look forward to servingthe state of Arizona.
Are these marbles?
I was just admiringyour container of marbles.
My wife got them for meas a gift...
For my birthday.
Which brings meto a speech
I like to give anyoneon their first day
here atthe state's attorney office
You see...Lady Justice
is a committed woman.
She's a slipperylittle scallop,
as you can observe...
She doesn't cook,doesn't clean,
but what she does do,is she'll turn a blind eye...
What is going on?
What are you doing?
The marbles, they're just--
I got to tell you,they're just so beautiful.
I was wonderingwhat it would feel like
to--in my mouth.
Like, what wouldthe marbles feel like
if they were in my mouth?
Just, you know...you know.
Like, just what wouldit feel like
if there were just kind ofa whole ton of marbles
in my--in my face.
Well, don't do that.
Just don't do that.
Yeah, yeah, of course,of course.
What am I doing over here?
I mean, that's a thingthat a child would do, it is.
You were saying?
I was sayingthat Lady Justice,
she just stands therein my office,
looking at me.
Forget the marbles, boy!
Spit the marbles out,please.
There you go.
Do you have any--
I'm gonna waitfor the last--
I'm assuming there's--
I know there's another onein there.
- Nope.- All right.
I am so--I'm--they're justso beautiful.
I can't--it's just these marbles.
I got to tell you.
You obviously don'ttake this job very seriously.
I do, sir.
It's just theseparticular marbles.
I just needed to feel
what they felt likein my mouth.
I don't know what is wrongwith me.
You know we do seriousbusiness here, right?
Yes, I do know that.
I'm 100% aware of that.
'Cause I've forgottenwhere I was.
You were saying that Justice
is a dumb, blind, old lady.I heard every word.
She's not dumb.
But she is blind.
She's reminiscentof Kerry Washington
in her prime.
[atmospheric choral music]
Janice, send inthe cleanup crew.
Another one fellfor the marble trick.
- Yo.- What's up?
Game of Thrones,though, dog.
Yo, you all caught up?
Yo, I totally binge-watched
that whole thinglast night, dog.
Yo, it's cold-bloodedup in Westeros, dog.
They killed my nigga Ned!
[hums Game of Thronestheme song]
You ain't see that onecoming, did you?
- Oh, nigga, hell no.- Uh-uh.
- Oh, my God.- Uh-uh.
I mean, my manwas just there, right?
And he got down thereon the thing.
- Like blip.- [makes sword noise]
And then I was like,"I ain't worried.
They ain't gonna killmy boy Ned Starks!"
- Slit.- And then plop.
I was like...
Yo, I told you theycold-blooded up in there.
And then I was like,"But that's okay,
because I still gotmy nigga Khal Drogos."
Big Dave Navarro?
Yeah, yeah, yeah,yeah, yeah.
Big Dave Navarro?
Yeah, that dude picked upsome molten gold,
poured iton niggas' heads.
"I want to sleepwith my sister!"
And he killed him, right?
I mean, he big like Herculesand everything.
I'm like, you can'tkill Khal Drogos
with a paper cut.
An infected scratchup on there?
An infected scratch!
- But he got straight...(both) Killed!
Yo, but you know who myfavorite character is, dog?
Who's that, dog?
You know I be likingsome Khaleesies, dog.
But what about Khaleesies
straight-upwith the dragons?
Khaleesieswith the dragons.
And Khaleesi'sall like this.
And then we talking about--[screeching]
Just straightroasting goats!
Oh, my God.
And that's when they start
killing charactersleft and right, dog!
- At the wedding?- Yo, at the wedding!
- Robb Starks.- What?
- His wife.- What?
- They got his mama!- Yo!
(both)Killed, killed, killed, killed!
That was a four-for-one, dog.
Four-for-one up there, dog.
That's a straightfour-for-one, dog.
Four-for-one up in there.
What about when theygot wildlings girl?
"You know nothing,Jon Snow."
- Screek!- Guh!
What about the Hound, though?
- Yo!- The Hound!
"Ah, I'm fallingdown the hill!"
You've got to kill me!"
Slowly, by omission.
Yo, what about my manTaiwan Lannisters?
What about Taiwan Lannisters,dog?
Yo, my man talking about,
"I'm taking a shit."
By his own son.
Da Dinkles, yo.
Dinkles is my jam.
Can't nobody kill da Dinkles!
Da Dinkles is my jam,my jelly,
my peanut butter,and my peanuts.
- Dinkles.- Da Dinkles.
(both)Dinkles is my shit!
[chatter on TV]
Hello, this is Gavin.
(Colin)Hi, Gavin, my nameis Colin Valenti.
I'm calling fromMaster Travel Incorporated
to tell you about an excitinglimited-time offer,
exclusive Las Vegas getaway.
Can I have a few momentsof your time
to tell youabout this new package?
You know what,I would love to,
but I just don't have the time.
[touch tones beeping]
(Colin)This is Colin Valenti,Master Travel Incorporated.
How may I be of service?
Hi, Colin Valenti.
My name is Gavin.
I think we just talked.
Did we get disconnected?
(Colin)Yeah, no--I mean, yeah,I hung up on you.
Why would you do that?
I mean, are you even--
Are you even allowedto do that?
(Colin)Were you going to buythe Las Vegas package?
Well, I mean, probably not,but that's not the point.
(Gavin)The point is--
What the hell?
[touch tones beeping]
(Colin)This is Colin--
(Gavin)I don't know whatcrawled up your ass
and set up shop there,but you don't get to hang up--
Oh, my g--
(Colin)What the [bleep] do you want?
What is your deal, huh?
(Colin)Um, you don't wantthe Vegas package,
so I don't want to talk.
I did us a favor,wasting our time here.
(Gavin)Stop, stop, don't you dare
hang up that [bleep] phone,okay?
(Colin)Why shouldn't I?
What if I wantedthe Vegas package?
Wha--you know what?
I want the Vegas package.
(Colin)Sure you do.
Oh, my God!
You son of a bitch.
(Colin)Come on, man, let it go.
[bleep] you, man!
I want five [bleep] packages!
Right now--you know what?
(Gavin)You know what?Where's my wallet?
This is my credit cardnumber, right here.
Get [bleep] off me.
My credit card numberis 0074-5403-0098.
The expiration dateis 12-20!
And then--and then the--oh, yeah!
The security number is 084!
So run the damn card right now!
Right [bleep] now!
You run it right [bleep] now,asshole!
(Colin)Thank you for your business.
Well, I hopeyou learned your le--
These new call scriptsare really great.
Yeah, I know, right?
What the [bleep]do you want, Kathy?