Louis Katz, Robert Kelly, Luenell

  • Season 1, Ep 6
  • 05/18/2014

Comedian Jim Norton and "Teen Mom" Farrah Abraham join Dave Attell for a night of dirty stand-up from Louis Katz, Robert Kelly and Luenell.

I'm your hostDave Attell.

Thank you guys.

Give yourselvesa hand for coming down

for the show here tonight.

Let me just take a quickcklook around here.

Over here, of course, we havetwo male models and other.

Where did you guys...

What are you laughing at,traveling gnome?

I can't believe...

Now, sir, are yougetting these jokes?

'Cause I know yourkind enjoy riddles.

You're a good-naturedcrowd, I like that.

Now, we're gonna be taping allnight and I need someone to work

the camera for me,who's-- Whoa!

Easy!

It's Farrah Abraham,the teen mom, give her hand.

Farrah, thank you.

You're adorable, man.

You're likea young milf.

You're like skimmilf, I love that.

What the fuck?

Farrah, what haveyou been up to lately?

We're all so curious.

I've been up towriting a...

Say it.

Erotica trilogy.

And I have--A book?

(Farrah)Yes, a book.Okay.

Plus music,my sex tape.

Your sex tape? Well, I ama huge fan of one of those.

That is great.

But I also rub oneout to Moms Mabley,

the tanning mom and a deletedscene from "Big Momma's House,"

so I'm pathetic.

Farrah, I just gotta let youknow, as you're taping me,

just in case, we alsohave someone taping you.

Ladies and gentlemen,Jim Norton.

Yeah nice!

Hey, Jim, howyou doing, buddy?

I'm good, Dave,how are you?

Now, Jim, are youa fan of Farrah?

Are you a fan?I love Farrah, I--

Are you doingthis a lot?

This a lot? Yes, except I'mnot holding anything black.

Yeah.Yes, I am.

(Dave)He's good, he's good.

So you're a fanof Farrah, huh?

I've been a fan ofyour work for ten years.

(Dave)Wow.

That's hilarious, someonecall Chris Hansen.

Really, right now.

Get him on the phone.

Are you guys readyto start the show?

I've beengetting some--

some strange commentsfrom some of the women

I've been datingrecently.

I had one woman tell me--She said that--

That my dick was bigger thanshe thought it would be.

Wow, that compliment was moreinsulting than I thought it

would be.

I think she meantit as a compliment,

but all I'm hearingis that apparently,

I carry myself like somekind of small-dicked man.

Like, I walk through the door,all of the sudden, tiny dick

theme song starts playingsilently in everybody's head.

Here's anotherweird one I got.

I had one woman tell me--She said that I--

I fuck likea black man.

Thank you.

Thank you, eight people thataren't weirded out by that.

I know, itfeels strange.

First of all, let meclarify, it was a black woman

who said that to me.

I think people only picture mewith white women and that's why

they feelstrange, like,

oh, what kind of weirdanthropologically racist

chicks have you beenhooking up with?

Like, hmm, you thrustlike a North American Negro,

yet, hmm...

With the cadence of an Uzbekihighlander, very interesting.

No, she was black,but still, that's weird.

What'd she think itwas gonna be like getting

fucked by a white man?

What'd she thinkI was gonna embezzle

from herretirement fund?

Maybe next time I'llswitch it up just for fun,

fuck her likea white girl.

Like, oh, my God, you're totallytaking all this dick right now.

I mean, it's ridiculous.

I mean, come on,look at me.

Look at me.

I don't fucklike a black man.

Black men fucklike me.

What's up, fuckers?

Yeah.

I feel badfor my wife.

I used to besmoking hot.

I did, I wasfucking gorgeous.

But now, this iswhat she gets.

It just--

Everything sucks.

Sex sucks now.

Sex is-- Itused to be--

I used to dotippy-toe shit.

Sex is awful now.

She gets on top 'cause I'mnot a fucking murderer.

I don't want to check her pulseevery eight seconds, 'cause her

come face and dyingface are similar.

It was, itused to be--

After sex wasthe shit.

After sex,I used to be sexy.

As soon as I was done,I'd pop off like a god,

walk around like a fuckingangry panther.

Put my leg up like I justconquered a small Italian

village and eat cereal likeFruity Pebbles out of a hat.

After sex nowsucks, ugh.

As soon as we're done, shedismounts me like she's getting

off her dirty bicycle.

Then she leaves.

She just leaves, like shedoesn't even know me.

Like she just fuckeda trucker for money

to get homefrom Jersey.

I'm lying there,just shivering,

'cause the blanketsdon't cover me.

Then she comes back in 20minutes later and cleans me

like a wounded elephantin the zoo.

phones.

I keep mine righthere in my bosom.

You call it bosomwhen you're old.

Let me talk to youabout texting.

Texting, I think, was inventedfor men by men, which I think is

hilarious, 'cause ten years ago,you couldn't get a man to take

a fucking typing classto save his life.

Why I'm takingfucking typing class?

It's gay.

Oh, but you can get your fuckingbig football mechanic fingers to

text all goddamn dayand night, 'can't you?

All fucking day and night,you can text, text, text.

You know why, ladies?

'Cause men want tocommunicate with you,

but they don't want tofucking talk to you.

If a man can get you out yourhouse, across town and in his

bed and never hear your fuckingvoice, that is a fucking

Christmas present everyday for a fucking man.

See, look at thesemotherfuckers.

Ain't that a bitch?

Now, I'm gonnatell you--

Here's the real test.

Motherfucking texting back andforth, texting back and forth.

Texting the motherfuckerback and say, "Call me."

Shit.

You be waitingfor five hours

for that motherfuckingphone call.

Oh, I dropped the phone.

Oh, I hurt my thumb.

Police was behind me.

My battery died.

a big hand for all theacts we saw here tonight.

Louis Katz!

Robert Kelly!

And the amazingLuenell.

Thank you guys.

Jeez.

This is great.

What a lineup.

It's beautiful.

I made it, I made it.You made it back.

It looks like "UsualSuspects 2" up here.

Yeah, it really does.

You guys look likefraternal twins, kind of.

I can see that.Really?

(Robert)Take his hatoff, please Dave.

It's 900 fuckingdegrees in here.

(Luenell)Yo, why didthey have--

And you're tryingto be hip.

Yeah, it's-- It's Grandmahot in here, isn't it?

It's like, weird.

Grandma hot.

It smells like hot yoga ordead hobo in here either.

I don't knowwhat it is.

Well, the dead hobo smellis coming from over here.

Oh, snap.

What the fuck happenedto you, Mr. T.?

(Dave)Whoa!

Guys, thank you somuch for coming on.

One more time.

Louis Katz,Robert Kelly, Luenell.

Sweet--

Oh, sleepy timedown south.

Thank you guys.

Thanks for watching"Comedy Underground."

I'm your hostDave Attell.