Bob Odenkirk & Tracy Morgan

  • Season 3, Ep 20
  • 03/02/2005

Spoonie Luv consults a bail bondsman, and The Concierge needs help with a rodent.

(phone rings)

(Elmer) HELLO?

HELLO?

UH, WHO'S CALLING?

I'M CALLINGABOUT THE AD IN THE PAPER--

THE PERSONAL ASSISTANT.

WHAT NATIONALITYARE YOU?

ITALIAN.

IN THE MAFIA?

NO.

WHAT ARE YOU DOINGWITH YOUR LIFE?

RIGHT NOW? NOTHING.

YOU KNOW HOW TO MAKEPOACHED EGGS WITH RAISINS?

NO, I DON'T.

I'LL SHOW YOU IF YOU SEEMLIKE YOU GOT POTENTIAL.

OKAY.

ARE YOU A GOOD WASHER?

WASHING OF WHAT?

WASHING ME! MY BODY.

UH, NO, NOT AT ALL.

I DON'T HAVE EXPERIENCEIN THAT AREA.

I NEED YOU TO TAKE MY WIFEBALLROOM DANCING

TWICE A WEEKAND PRETEND TO BE ME.

OKAY.

WHAT DO YOU WANNA DOWITH YOUR LIFE?

'CAUSE I COULD TEACH YOUTHINGS.

LIKE WHAT KINDS OF THINGS?LIKE ABOUT LIFEAND ABOUT HOW TO GO ABOUT IT.

(coughs) EXCUSE ME.

AND ABOUT YOUR HEALTH.OKAY.

I'VE NEVER BEENTO THE DOCTOR IN MY LIFE.

I'M 85 YEARS OLD.

OKAY.

I'VE LIVED A HARD LIFE.

I'VE MADE LOVETO THOUSANDS OF WOMEN.

(chuckles) OKAY.

AND WE DIDN'T USE PROTECTIONIN THEM DAYS.

YOU KNOW WHAT WE DID?WHAT'D YOU DO?

WE PRAYED TO THE LORD JESUS

THAT HE WOULDN'TBRING US A BABY.

(chuckles)

WHAT DO YOU WANNA BEWHEN YOU GET OLDER?

YOUR PERSONAL ASSISTANT.

THAT'S A GOOD ANSWER.I LIKE THAT.

AND I NEED YOU TO RUBMY BELLY AFTER I EAT.

HOW MUCH YOU PAYING ME?

IT'S $50 AN HOUR.

OKAY, WHEN DO YOU WANT METO COME?

I WANT YOU TO COME TO MY HOUSETONIGHT AT MIDNIGHT.

OKAY.

I WOULD LIKE YOU TO BRING MEA BOX OF CHEERIOS,

LARGE SIZE.

I'D LIKE YOUTO BRING ME A BOWL.

I'D LIKE YOU TOBRING ME A SPOON.

AND I'D LIKE YOU TO BRING METHE LARGEST CONTAINER OF RAISINS

THAT YOU COULD MUSTER.

OKAY.

I WOULD ALSO LIKE YOUTO BRING ME A BLACK LADY.

WHAT ABOUT YOUR WIFE?SHE DON'T CARE?

LISTEN, YOU DON'T WORRYABOUT THAT.

THAT'S WHY I SEND YOU OUTDANCING.

OKAY.

AND DON'T WEAR A SHIRT.

DON'T WEAR A SHIRT.

THAT'S RIGHT.GET OVER HERE RIGHT NOW!

'CAUSE I'M GONNA WORK YOULIKE AN ANIMAL.

OH, THAT'S NOT GOOD.

ALL RIGHT, THEN.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME AGAIN?

YOU CAN JUST CALL ME "MASTER."BYE-BYE.

(phone clicks)

(static buzzing)

(volume increases)

(phone rings)

COURTESY BONDING.

IS THIS THE BONDSMAN?

THIS ISCOURTESY BONDING.

OKAY, MY NAME IS SPOONIE LUV,AND, UH,

I WAS WONDERING,WOULD IT BE ALL RIGHT

FOR ME TO DROP BYAND DROP OFF A DEPOSIT,

BECAUSE I'M GOING TOA PARTY TONIGHT,

AND I KNOWI'M GONNA GET ARRESTED.

WE DON'T DO THAT.

NO, WE DON'T DOSTUFF LIKE THAT.

I'M-A GO OUT, AND I DON'T KNOWWHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN.

I DRINK A LOT.I GET VERY BELLIGERENT.

YEAH.

WELL, JUST CALL US.CALL--CALL A BONDING COMPANY.

WE DON'T TAKE DEPOSITSLIKE THAT.

A BAG OF MONEY,

AND I DO WANT YOUTO HOOK ME UP, MAN.

NO, I DON'T TAKEPEOPLE'S MONEY LIKE THAT.

IF YOU'RE IN JAIL, THEN WE'LLARRANGE TO GET YOU OUT, BUT--

HEY, HEY, YOU KNOW,DO THE RIGHT THING HERE, BABY.

DO THE RIGHT THING HERE,BABY.

YEAH.DON'T TREAT ME LIKE THIS.

WELL, I TREAT EVERYBODYLIKE THIS.

WELL, I GOT ONE FOOTIN THE MAN'S JAIL ALREADY,

AND THE OTHER ONE ISON THE BANANA PEEL.

JUST CALL ME. IF YOULAND THERE, JUST CALL ME.

SOMEBODY'LL COME DOWNAND BAIL YOU OUT.

YOU KNOW WHAT?YOU PROBABLY SAW ME ON TV.

WHY? WHY?WHAT IS THAT? WHY? WHY?

I WAS ON "COPS,"SEASON 1, 3, 5 AND 6.

I SEE A LOT OF THEM.

I SEE GUYS--MY CLIENTS--ON 'EM ALL THE TIME.

YOU WON'T BE THE FIRST ONE.

SO COULD YOU DO MEA FAVOR?WHAT'S THAT?

COULD YOU AT LEAST COME BYAND FEED MY CATS?

(chuckles)I CAN'T DO NONE OF THAT.

COME ON.HOOK A BROTHER UP, MAN.

STOP BLINGIN'.YOU CAN'T--

ONE NAME IS BUFFY.ONE NAME IS BUFFY.

ONE NAME IS SNOWBALL.

SORRY ABOUT SNOWBALLAND BUFFY.

I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT.

WHY PUNISH THE CATS?

JUST CALL ME.

WHY ARE YOU PUNISHINGTHE CATS?

I'M NOT A CAT WATCHER.

ALL RIGHT, LISTEN.

I JUST NEED YOUTO DO ME ONE FAVOR.

YOU TELL THE COPS YOU PLANTEDA BAG OF WEED ON ME.

NOT ME.

COULD I ASK YOUA QUESTION?YEAH.

HOW MUCH BAIL FORTHE AVERAGE ASSAULT CHARGE?

YOU WON'T HAVE A BAIL.YOU'LL HAVE TO SEE A JUDGE.HOW ABOUT PUBLIC SODOMY?

YOU WON'T HAVE A BOND.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH METEARIN' UP A LITTLE ASS?

THAT'S ON YOU.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME?BILL.

BILL, WHY DON'T YOU COME OUTWITH ME TONIGHT?

HA!

YOU COUNT THE MONEY.YOU COUNT THE MONEY

WHILE WE'RE DRIVING OVERTO GET THE ASS.

I AIN'T DESTITUTEFOR MONEY LIKE THAT, MAN.

HEY, I TURN BITCHES OUT.

MM-HMM.

I'M SPOON LUVFROM UP ABOVE.

MM-HMM.

SO I'M GONNA BRINGTHE TWO CATS WITH ME.

WE GONNA COMEPICK YOU UP.

WE GONNA GO OVERSUZIE'S HOUSE.

I GOT ANOTHER CALL.I GOTTA--I GOTTA--

HEY, BILL!YEAH.

BILL, BILL, BILL, BILL.GOTTA GO.

HOW MUCH BAIL FOR GETTINGA B.J. FROM A TRANSSEXUAL?

I HAVE NO IDEA.

HOW MUCH FOR YOUR WIFE?

(phone clicks)

(Man) SPOONIE LUV WAS FOUND GUILTY OF FOUR COUNTS

OF WIGGLING HIS TONGUE THROUGH HIS FINGERS

(phone rings)

(beep)

THANK YOU FOR CALLING.HOW MAY I HELP YOU?

HI. THIS IS ROB TEPARDFROM THE BUREAU OF MONUMENTS.

UH-HUH. HELLO.

HOW ARE YOU?

GOOD.

UH, I'M CALLINGTO NOTIFY YOU,

AND I'M GONNA CALL EACHOF THE BUSINESS OWNERS

ON GARDEN STREET...UH-HUH.

ABOUT A MONUMENT THAT'S GOING UPIN ABOUT A MONTH AND A HALF.OH.

IT'S A 12-FOOT HIGH STATUE

TO COMMEMORATE THE RECENTMILITARY VICTORY IN IRAQ.

IT'S ABOUT 4 FEET WIDEBY 5 FEET LONG.

IT'S DONATEDFROM THE U.S. ARMY.

IT'S ACTUALLY CONFISCATEDFROM BAGHDAD,

AND THE STATUE IS, UH,SADDAM HUSSEIN WITH A SALUTE,

AND AT THE BASE, IT SAYS,"THE GREAT LEADER,"

BUT THAT'S IN ARABIC.OKAY. YEAH--

SOME PEOPLE MAY THINK ERECTINGA STATUE OF HIM IS WRONG,

BUT, UH, YOU'RE NOT--YOU'RE NOTIN THAT CAMP, I SUPPOSE.

I MEAN, YOU KNOW,

I'M NOT REALLY THAT POLITICALOF A PERSON,

SO IT DOESN'T REALLYBOTHER ME.

SO I'M GONNA SAY,"SADDAM HUSSEIN OKAY,

"AND PROUD...TO HAVE... HIM... IN..."

I MEAN, I WOULDN'T EVENSAY THAT AT ALL.

I'D JUST SAY THAT I'M KIND OF--

I COULD GO EITHER WAY.

IT DOESN'T REALLYAFFECT ME.

"DOESN'T MINDSADDAM HUSSEIN...

"AND HIS... CRIMES...AGAINST--"

NO, I'M NOT SAYING THAT EITHER.

WELL, THAT'S THE MAIN ISSUEI THINK

MOST PEOPLE TAKE WITH HIM,BUT IF YOU'RE EMPATHETIC...

WELL--

"TOWARDS--TOWARDS SUFFERING...OF... POPULISTS..."

I WOULDN'T SAY THATEITHER.

I MEAN, I'M NOTSAYING ANYTHING.

"AND DOESN'T MIND...KURDISH... MASSACRE."

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

"OKAY WITH..."

NO, I'M NOT.

I'M NOT OKAY WITH THAT.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO YOU ARE,OKAY? SO GOOD-BYE.

(phone clicks)

(sighs)

(canned audience laughter)

Loading...