[cell phones chiming, beeping]

[upbeat dance music]

♪

- RACE WAR!

IT'S A GODDAMNRACE WAR!

[gunshots]

- FLASH MOB--FLASH MOB CANCELED.

THE FLASH MOB IS CANCELED.

OH, YEAH, "SOITAINLY."

OH, HEY,I GOTTA GO.

YEAH, TERRY OUT.

- TERRY,HOW YOU DOING, MAN?

- HEY, PRETTY GOOD,GABE.

OH, GOT SOMETHINGON YOUR SHIRT.

- NOT TODAY, TERRY.

- LOOKS LIKE GABE'SCOME OUT TO PLAY.

YOU DO HAVE SOMETHINGON YOUR SHIRT, DUDE.

- NO, I DON'T.- YEAH, YOU KIND OF DO.

- NO, I'M PRETTY SURE I DON'T.- GOT A CLEAN SHIRT AT MY DESK

IF YOU WANT METO GET IT FOR YOU.

- DON'T SEE WHYTHAT WOULD BE NECESSARY.

- BECAUSE THE SHIRTYOU HAVE ON RIGHT NOW,

IT'S NOT CLEAN.- EXCEPT FOR THAT IT IS.

- ME, I HAVE A CLEAN SHIRT.- OH.

- YOU, YOU HAVE SOME SCHMUTZON YOUR JAMMY-JAM.

- NO, THERE IS NO SCHMUTZON MY JAMMY-JAM.

- YOKNOW WHAT?WHY DON'T I JUST GET IT FOR YOU?

- YEAH, WHY DON'T YOU DO THAT?- YEAH.

AND THERE WE GO.

- DID YOU GET IT?

- [laughing]

I ALMOST GOT YOU.

I WAS THAT CLOSE.- ALMOST, YEAH.

- I MEAN, I'M THINKING,"DAMN, HE'S GOOD."

[both laughing]

BUT YOU KNOW WHATTHE FUNNY THING IS?

- WHAT'S WHAT?

- NOW I GUESS FROM WHEN I DABBED

YOUR SHIRTWITH THE PAPER TOWEL,

AND I'M NOT PLAYINGTHE GAME RIGHT NOW,

BUT I ACTUALLY--I MUST HAVE GOTSOME PAPER-TOWEL FUZZ

ON YOUR SHIRT, SO...

[dramatic music]

♪

- HEY, HOW LONG HAS KAREN BEENWEARING HER HAIR UP LIKE THAT?

- I DON'T WANT YOUTO HAVE TO GO THROUGH THAT.

AND I'M SORRYIT HAPPENED.

- HEY, TERRY,WHAT'S GOING ON?

- UH, NOTHINING.- HAVING A GOOD MORNING?

- YE--- I'M HAVING A [bleep]

TERRIFIC MORNING.

- GREAT.

- HOPE THERE IS NOTHINGON MY SHIRT.

'CAUSEI CAN'T LOOK DOWN.

- OH, NO, DUDE, WE'RE NOT DOINGTHAT RIGHT NOW, OKAY?

THERE'S NOTHINGON YOUR SHIRT.

NO ONE CARESABOUT YOUR SHIRT.

EVERYTHING'S NOTABOUT YOU.

I'M TRYING TO HAVEA CONVERSATION

WITH KAREN RIGHT NOW, SO...

- YOU OKAY, TERRY?- IT JUST PISSES ME OFF.

[cell phone vibrates]

- [screams]

I GOT IT. I GOT IT.THERE'S NO WAY--

OH, YEAH, YEAH,I DO HAVE SCHMUTZ.

THERE'S SCHMUTZALL OVER ME NOW.

HE CAN'T DENY THAT.

TERRY'S NOT GOING TO KNOWWHAT HIT HIM.

[laughs]I WILL WIN!

WHAT--WHAT HAPPENED?

- TERRY DIED.

- I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

HEY, TERRY.

IT'S GABE.

I, UM--I JUST WANTEDTO LET YOU KNOW THAT, UM...

THAT YOU DIDN'T GET ME, TERRY.

YOU DIDN'T GET ME,

BECAUSE ON THE DAYTHAT YOU DIED,

THERE WAS SCHMUTZON MY SHIRT.

SO GUESS WHO WINSTHE GAME, TERRY.

I DO. I WIN.[laughing]

YOU LOSE.

AAH!

[crying]OH, TERRY.

HE FLICKED ME.

OOP, UH, PARDON ME.

- HEY, PLAYER.- HOW YOU DOING, MAN?

- HEY, CAN I MAKEA REQUEST?

- FOR SURE, MAN.WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?

- HEY, MAN, HOOK A BROTHERUP WITH SOME OLD SCHOOL.

- OH, YEAH,ALL RIGHT, WORD.

OKAY, WHAT YOU LOOKING FOR--BIGGIE, TUPAC?

- BIGGIE, TUPAC?

COME ON, MAN,THAT'S TOO NEW.

I'M TALKINGABOUT THAT OLD SCHOOL, MAN.

YOU KNOWWHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

- I THOUGHT I DID, MAN.WHAT, LIKE, UH, WU-TANG CLAN?

- PSHH.WU-TANG CLAN?

COME ON, MAN,THOSE FOOLS JUST CAME OUT.

HOOK A BROTHER UPWITH SOME OF THAT OLD SCHOOL.

- OKAY, I DON'T KNOW WHATYOU LOOKING FOR, MAN.

N.W.A.?

- N.W.A.?

COME ON, MAN, WHAT DOI LOOK LIKE, A KID OUT THERE?

TALKING ABOUT THE N.W.A.,FO' SHIZZLE, MY NIZZLE,

KRIS KROSS, APPLESAUCE, WHO'S THE BOSS?,

TONY DANZA AT A LOSS.

I DON'T KNOW IT, ALL RIGHT?

I'M TALKINGABOUT THAT OLD SCHOOL.

- OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

THAT'S MY BAD,OLD MAN, ALL RIGHT?

WE GONNA TAKE IT BACK,ALL RIGHT?

I'M GONNA BUST OUT SOME RUN DMCFOR YOU RIGHT NOW.

- RUN DMC?

[laughing]

COME ON, MAN, I DON'T KNOWABOUT NONE OF THIS RUN DMC,

WOULDN'T WANT TO BE A,ONOMATOPOEIA,

GRAB A DONKEY BY THE TOE,GIVE HIM GONORRHEA.

I DON'T KNOW IT,ALL RIGHT?

ALL I KNOWIS SOME OLD SCHOOL.

AND IF YOU CAN'T GIVE IT TO ME,YOU CAN'T GIVE IT TO ME.

- COME ON, MAN,RUN DMC IS OLD SCHOOL.

- AH...

- WELL, CAN YOU NAME A GROUP?

- YOU THE DJ MAN.

I AIN'T TRYING TO TELL YOUHOW TO DO YOUR JOB.

- GRANDMASTER FLASH.- OH, MAN, GRANDMASTER FLA--

YOU SOUNDING LIKEA KID YOURSELF,

TALKING ABOUTGRANDMASTER FLASH TO THE--

[rapping gibberish]

DON'T STOP THE BOOGIE TO THEBANG BANG BOOGIE TO UPCHUCK--

WHY PEOPLE TALKINGABOUT UPCHUCK?

- SUGAR HILL GANG.

- BROTHER, HOW WE END UPIN CANDYLAND?

- YOU KNOW WHAT, MAN?

IF YOU WANT SOME OLD SCHOOL,THEN YOU COME BACK HERE

AND FIND IT YOURSELF.

I'M GOING ON BREAK.

- ALL RIGHT, THEN, WELL,GET MYSELF BACK HERE RIGHT HERE.

SEE WHAT'S GOING ONBACK HERE.

WHAT WE GOT?WHAT WE GOT?

LET'S SEE--NOPE, NOPE, NOPE, NOPE,

NOPE, NOPE, NOPE, NOPE,NOPE, NOPE, NOPE, NOPE.

AH, THERE,NOW WE TALKING.

[1920s jazz music]

AH, YEAH.

DADDY.

- WHAT THE [bleep]IS HAPPENING?

- THERE HE IS.- HEY, HEY, HEY, WHAT'S UP?

- HEY, MAN.WHAT UP, MAN?

- HEY, HERE'S THE DEAL.

100%, GRASS-FED JAPANESEKOBE BEEF, $35 A POUND.

- THAT'S WHATI'M TALKING ABOUT.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S GRILLTHESE LITTLE HOMEYS UP.

- ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,IS THAT GROUND CHUCK, MAN?

NO OFFENSE, I AIN'TTRYING TO PARK MY BENTLEY

NEXT TO YOUR TOYOTA,YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

- COME ON, MAN.- OH, YOU JUST PUTTING THEM

RIGHT NEXTTO THE FROZEN PATTIES.

YEAH, ALL RIGHT.

- HEY, RELAX, MAN.I'M GONNA COOK THEM GOOD.

- OKAY, YEAH.

- ALL RIGHT, SO HOW'STERESA DOING?

- SHE'S GOOD. SHE'S GOOD.SHE'S SAD SHE COULDN'T BE HERE.

YOU KNOW,SHE'S GOT A CLOSING TODAY.

YOU WANT TO FLASH-COOK THOSE,BECAUSE THEY REAL LEAN.

YOU KNOW, THEY'RE GRASS-FED.

SO YOU JUST WANT TO PROBABLYFLIP THEM RIGHT--RIGHT NOW.

ALL RIGHT.

- HEY, WHO WANTS CHEESEON THEIR BURGER?

- NOBODY, NOBODY.NOBODY WANTS CHEESE.

- ANYBODY WANTA DOUBLE BURGER?

- NO, NOBODY WANTSA DOUBLE BURGER.

THAT'S LIKE PUTTINGA DIAMOND RING ON A PIG HOOF.

I'M SORRY, BUT THE GRASSTHAT THESE COWS ATE

COSTS MORE THAN THIS HOUSE.- ALL RIGHT, NO DOUBLE BURGERS.

- NO DOUBLE BURGERS--- HEY, WHAT THE HELL?

- YOU MAY AS WELLJUST POOP ON THAT.

- WHAT?

- YOU JUST KETCHUP-RAPEDMY KOBE BURGER.

THIS WAS A MISTAKE.THIS--NO, NO.

NO, NO. UH-UH. NO, NO, NO,NO, NO, NO, NO.

SEE, THIS MEATCAME ALL THE WAY OVER HERE

FROM THE PACIFIC OCEANBY BOAT,

BECAUSE THE AIR PRESSUREWOULD RUIN ITS INTEGRITY.

GIVE ME THAT.

YOU ARE NOT WORTHY.

YOU'LL NEVER LEARN.

THIS IS RIDIC--THIS IS $126--

THIS LITTLE MOTHER--

$126 WORTH OF BEEF.

Y'ALL NOT WORTHY.

- DID HE TAKE MY DOG?

I JUST FINISHED EPISODE FOUR.-OK. SO THE LANNISTERS

ARE THE BLONDE PEOPLE.- MM-HMM.

- AND THE FEMALE LANNISTERIS MARRIED

TO ROBERT BARANTHEON,WHO IS THE KING.

- IS IT BARANTHEONOR BARATHEON?

- RIGHT, RIGHT.

- AND THEN THE OTHERBLONDE GIRL IS THE, UH--

- CAN I GET YOU SOMETHING?

- OH, I DON'T KNOW, UM--

THREE KAMIKAZE SHOTS,WHATEVER.

OH, MY GOD, I CAN'T BELIEVEHE JUST DID THAT.

- WHAT'S THAT?

- SERVED MEBEFORE YOU GUYS.

I'M REALLY AGAINST THAT.I'M SO SORRY.

- NO, IT'S OKAY.WE, UH--WE'VE GOT BEERS.

- NO, I MEAN, I'M SORRYABOUT EVERYTHING.

- OH, THAT'S FINE.IT'S FINE.

- NO, NO, IT'S BEEN100 YEARS OF NOT FINE.

I MEAN, 20 YEARS AGO,

YOU GUYS WOULDN'T HAVE EVENBEEN ALLOWED IN HERE.

- 20 YEARS--THAT WOULD BE 1992.

- YOU'RE BOTHREALLY BEAUTIFUL.

- OH, SHE'S DONE.

- THAT JUST HAPPENED,DIDN'T IT?

- MM-HMM.- YEAH, AMAZING.

- SO, THE LANNISTERS--

OKAY, SHE'S THE QUEEN.

- JAIME LANNISTERIS THE OTHER ONE.

- JAIME AND--- YO, YO, YO, WHAT UP, MAN?

HEY, GIVE ME ANOTHER LAGER,YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

SPILLED MY LAST ONE ON MY TRIBESHIRT--CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?

BUT WHATEVS,GOT THIS THING IN '93--

MIDNIGHT MARAUDERS TOUR.CHECK THAT OUT.

IT'S EVERYWHERE.- MM-HMM.

- HEY, UH, WHO'S YOURFAVORITE MEMBER OF TRIBE?

- SMOK--SMOKE--SMOKY.KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

LOVE HIM, DUDE, MORE BEHINDTHE SCENES, BUT HE WAS, LIKE--

ALL RIGHT, GOOD.SEE YOU GUYS AROUND, THOUGH.

- MM-HMM. OKAY.- COOL.

- ONE MORE, ONE MORE, ONE MORE.COME ON, SON.

BOOM.ALL RIGHT, LATE.

- OH, HE SPUN. HE SPUN.- WOW.

- SECOND PERSON TO NOT WAITFOR THEIR DRINK, BY THE WAY.

- YEP.

OKAY, LET MEASK YOU THIS, THEN.

WHAT'SWITH THE BARBARIAN DUDE

WHO LOOKS LIKEA HUGE DAVE NAVARRO?

- OKAY.- WHO'S THAT GUY?

- OH...

I NEED A DRINK. [chuckles]JUST FINISHED AMISTAD.

I SAW IT 3 TIMES, ANDI'LL SEE IT 100 MORE TIMES,

BECAUSE, LIKE,I'M HAPPY TO DO IT.

IF THAT'S WHATTHOSE GUYS WENT THROUGH,

I'M HAPPY TO SIT THROUGH IT,YOU KNOW, 300 MORE TIMES

OR WHATEVER,YOU KNOW, IT TAKES.

- YEAH, IT'S PRETTY INTENSE.

- SEE, MY THING IS,IS, LIKE, I DON'T THINK

ONE PERSON SHOULD OWNANOTHER PERSON, PERIOD.

- I'M GLAD THAT THAT'S WHATYOU GOT FROM THAT MOVIE.

- THAT'S A TRUE STATEMENT.

- YEAH, I MEAN, I DON'T CAREWHEN IT HAPPENED, ALL RIGHT?

IT SHOULD NEVER HAPPEN.IT SHOULD NEVER OCCUR.

BUT, LIKE, I'M PREACHINGTO THE CHOIR.

YOU GUYS KNOWWHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

- YEAH, WE DO.

IT'S LIKE, WHY DIDANYBODY EVEN DO THAT?

I'M, LIKE, "NO, YOU DIDN'T.NO, YOU DIDN'T.

WHAT YOU DOING, GIRLFRIEND?NO, YOU DIDN'T."

I'M ASHAMED.- YOU KNOW WHAT?

IT'S REALLY PROBABLY OKAY,BECAUSE YOU WEREN'T THERE.

- OKAY, WELL, WE CAN COME UPWITH EXCUSES ALL DAY, ALL DAY.

- IT'S NOT AN EXCUSE SO MUCH.- LET'S JUST NOT DO THAT.

LET'S NOT DO THAT.

- LOOK, HEY,BOTTOM LINE, WE COOL.

RIGHT?- YEAH.

- ALL RIGHT.- YEAH, WE ARE COOL.

- WE'RE KICKITY-COOL?- YES.

- WHAT'S THAT?

- DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING.- NOTHING.

- OH, YOU DIDN'T--

ALL RIGHT,FOUR MORE YEARS.

- HEY, IF IT MAKESYOU GUYS FEEL ANY BETTER,

BLACK PEOPLE MAKE MEREALLY UNCOMFORTABLE.

both: THANK YOU.

HEY, AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED,THIS SATURDAY NIGHT,

THERE'S NOT EVEN GOINGTO BE A FIGHT.

I'M GONNA MERCY-KILLTHIS OLD MAN.

- DEREK IS VERYGOOD PERSON.

BUT SOON,HE WILL LEARN MANNERS.

I WILL TORTURE HIS BODY

SO THAT HIS SOULLEARNS TO BE HUMBLE.

- I'M GONNA DANCE AROUND HIMWHILE HE TRIES

TO HIT ME WITH HIS CANE,OLD MAN.

- GOD CHOSE MEFOR THIS FIGHT.

GOD IS THE TEACHER.DEREK IS THE STUDENT.

AND I AM GOD'S INSTRUMENT.

WHEN I SQUEEZEYOUR LUNGS, DEREK,

AND YOU BEG ME FOR LIFE,

THEN YOUR HEARTWILL OPEN UP TO THE LORD.

- I'M GONNA KNOCK HIM OUTROUND ONE, BITCH.

WAIT.WHAT DID HE SAY AGAIN?

HE SAID GOD CHOSE HIM.

THAT DOESN'TEVEN MAKE SENSE, REALLY.

- WHEN YOU EATTHROUGH PLASTIC TUBE,

WHEN YOU ARE PARALYZEDFROM NECK DOWN,

THEN YOUR FAMILY

WILL GATHERAROUND YOUR HOSPITAL BED

TO SEE THE NEW DEREK.

- OKAY, HE KNOWWE JUST TALKING HERE, RIGHT?

I MEAN, WE JUST--

WE JUST GETTING PEOPLEINTERESTED IN THE FIGHT,

BECAUSE I'M SORRY--IS THIS [bleep] CRAZY?

- GOD'S LESSONSARE SO BEAUTIFUL.

- "GOD'S LESSONSARE BEAUTIFUL"?

I'M SORRY.WHO PUT THIS FIGHT TOGETHER?

THIS IS JUST--

IF Y'ALL GOT AN ACTUALCRAZY PERSON FOR ME TO FIGHT,

WELL, THAT'S NOT FAIR TO ME...

OR HIM.

- [speaking in tongues]

- WHAT YOU MEANYOU CAN'T FIND HIM?

WELL, WHERE IS HE?

YO, MAN, WHERE MY MANAGER AT?STEVE?

HOW'S IT--

- All right, "Key & Peele," man,

hey, look, I know y'all busyand everything, man,

but you should, man,

you should really watchthese videos, dawg.

We trying to help you out,make shit funnier, dawg.

- Trying to give yousome shit for free.

- Trying to help brothers out,

try to help brothersget this shit going for real.

Well, the one scenethis week, man,

that we thought, you know,

we could, like, tune upfor y'all

and make it better, and whatnot,

is the scenewhere the two dudes--

- The food.

- Yeah, the food scene,

where the two dudesis having a competition

to see which one of thesemotherfuckers can eat more food.

- Eating.- So watch this, man.

- Y'all got ham hocks?

- Of course.

- Well, that's what I want.

I want a plate of ham hocks, deep-friend, blackened,

and served on a bed of mustard greens.

- Pig feet.

I want some pig feet and four pounds of grits.

Oh, oh, and you know what else?

Get me a little Dixie cup full of lard.

- You know, like, in the scene,

the dudes was ordering,like, soul food and whatnot,

but you know what wouldhave made it funnier...

- Dicks.

- If y'all had beenordering dicks.

"Let me eata rhinoceros dick..."

- This niggasays rhinoceros dick.

- "With some mustardon that bitch."

You know what I'm talking about?

- This nigga stupid.

You being stupidright now.

You being stupid.

- Nigga, why even try?

I say give me an elephant dick.

Know what I'm saying?Mm.

- This niggaeating the dick.

Nigga eating the dick.

Jurassic Park,get a bunch of dicks.

- [laughing]

He's talking abouteating some dinosaur dicks.

- Bunch of dinosaur dicksin Jurassic Park.

- "Hey, man,why don't you get me

a full order of dinosaur dicks?"

Nigga would be like...

- [laughing]

This nigga stupid.

Nigga stupid,nigga stupid.

- This a big-ass dick.

Must be my dick.

[laughter]

And he eat that, right.

And then what happens,the dick give him gas, right?

He be like, "Oh, shit,

I'm trying to eatall this dick,"

but--bloof...bloo-ah...

- Nigga, you startingto be stupid.

- He farts and everything,and he shit.

- Yeah, but the shit--

the poop come outin the shape of a dick.

- [laughing]

- The poop come out inthe shape of a dick, though,

'cause he ate--'cause that's what he ate.

You are what you eat,nigga.

- [laughing]

- Say it, come on,say it, say it.

Say it, nigga.

- You are what you eat.

- Nigga, no, no,back it up, back it up.

It come out of his--

- The shit come outin the shape of a dick.

[laughter]

That's what y'allshould have done!

- Just need to make that shitsmarter, though,

a little bit smarter,basically.