Wednesday, March 2, 2016

  • 03/02/2016

Wil Wheaton, Ross Marquand and Marcella Arguello elaborate on low-budget cosplay, describe a #BadJobIn5Words and deliver lines from undersea erotic films.

Ripped from today's Internetheadlines, it's Rapid Refresh!

(applause and cheering)

Here's a listof the popular things

that would be very difficultto explain to your parents.

First up--4 High School 4 Musical.

And lo, on the second of March,

God said, "Rejoice, tweens,"for there was officially

a new High School Musical in the works. Oh!


That's the appropriate reaction.

-(laughter)-ARGUELLO: Yay!

-I'm excited.-HARDWICK: Squeak!

Disney is currentlycasting the film,

called High School Musical 4:, colon...

It's high school,there's (bleep) music.

They're attractive.What more do you want?

Let us squeeze a little moreout of this mouse teat.


It has been a full decade sincethe original film premiered,

which means this movie'starget audience is kids

who are nostalgic for something

they were too young to rememberin the first place.

Now, obviously, a lothas changed in our society

in the ten yearssince the original film,

so, comedians,what's a lyric from a new

High school Musical 4? Wil Wheaton.

♪ Get down, get down,it's another school shooting! ♪


-(cheers and applause)-HARDWICK: Goddamn it.

-No. No.-Oh, my God.

Uh, Marcella.

♪ 500, 25,000,600 dick pics. ♪

HARDWICK:Yeah. Points. Points.

(laughter,applause and cheering)

Onto our next topic--third wheel. Third wheel.

The Internet revved its enginesin appreciation

of this video posted byInstagram user "megara101"

showing a new trendcalled drift triking.

This is (bleep) awesome.

Oh, it's awesome!

-(whooping)-That is awesome!

Come on!

-(cheers and applause)-Oh, man.

Three wheels, zero (bleep).


what is the nameof the kids action movie

this will definitely inspire?

-Marcella. -Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Awesome!

-Yeah. Points. Points.-(laughter, applause)

Ross Marquand.

Honey, I Paralyzed the Kids.



On to our next topic,Hey Canada, u Up?

After last night'slandslide victory

for pumpkin pie fillingreanimated by the River Styx,

Donald Trump, uh,Google searchers searched

a bonkers 500% for the phrase:

"Move to Canada!"

Apparently, some Americanswant to flee this clown car

speeding toward a brick wall

for a land wherea dreamboat prime minister

will let themget gay-married to Drake

while smoking dank legal weed

in a poolfull of gravy and cheese curds.

-(laughter, applause, whooping)-So, comedians...



-Poutine for all!-Poutine for everybody!

Comedians, what aresome other Google searches

that have seen spikesduring this truly bat (bleep)

political race? Wil.

Is Marco Rubioactually three kids

stacked on top of each other?




Which man knows what's bestfor my ovaries?

-Yes. Points.-(laughter, cheering, applause)


-Ross.-I just love the sound.

-It's so good. -(like Clinton):-Is Bill Clinton still DTF?

-Yeah. Points.-(laughter, applause)

Yes, of course he is.

-(whooping)-Of course he is.

(like Clinton):He's DTF in your A

or in your Por between your T's.

He's all over it.

It's now timefor the HashtagWars.


This Friday isEmployee Appreciation Day,

the one day a yearthat bosses around the nation

are legally required by the FakeAmerican Holidays Act of 1881

to honor and cherish their paidsubordinates all day long,

from sunriseuntil they really need something

and don't feel likedoing it for themselves.

So, like, 15 minutes.

The truth is that employees haveto put up with a lot of crap,

especiallyif they're in (bleep) jobs,

which is why tonight's hashtagis BadJobIn5Words.

BadJobIn5Words.Examples might be:

Casual Friday means no clothes!

Or: Morning zoosound effects guy.

I'm gonna put 60 secondson the clock. Ba-jing!


I.T. guy for everyone's mom.



After-show after-show host.


I've done that. Ross.

Freelance Facebookbaby photo liker.

-Points. Marcella.-(laughter)

Fetty Wap's personal eye doctor.

-Points.-(laughter, whooping, applause)

-Marcella. -Kanye West'ssocial media manager.

-Points.-(laughter, applause)


That's... that's notjust a ferret on Molly?

-(laughter)-Uh, Wil.

Mitch McConnellpersonal jowl fluffer.

-Points.-(laughter, groans)

-Ross. -Whoever colorsBernie Sanders' pubes.



Gatheringof the Juggalos janitor.


It's time to playLow Cost Cosplay.

-Low Cost Cosplay.-(cheering)

Wil and I, as loyal membersof the nerd geek army

have mad respect for cosplayers,but I know that getting

a movie-perfectKylo Ren lightsaber

or Katniss Everdeenbow and arrow can be muy pricey.

That's why we wantto celebrate superfans

who did the most with the least.

I'm gonna show youa photo of a cosplayer

who was clearly on a budget,and for 250 points,

you have to answera question about them.

Okay, first up--this unfinished Avenger!

-There he is.-(laughter)


-He's, uh...-(whooping)

He's... I think we all, uh,we all know "Hulk Smash."

What is this guy's catchphrase?

-Marcella. -Hulk shouldn'thave skipped leg day.

(laughter, applause)


Uh, points. Ross.

Uh, Hulk survive polio!




Wil Wheaton.

Hulk grower not shower!

-(laughter, applause)-Points.

-HARDWICK: He is. He is.-He is.

Next up, this toilet genie,this toilet genie.


What's a wishthis genie would grant?


I wish there wasn'tall this weird (bleep)

-in Flint's water supply.-Yes. Points.


It's, uh, it's-it's zombieRobin Williams,

-came up right out of the...right out of the hole. -No!

Now you justpissed off the audience.

I had to find out where the linewas so I could cross it.

You're right.Comedian's job.

Ensign Crusher,get us out of here quick.


-Was that Patrick Stewart?-(exclaims)

That was-that wassort of Patrick Stewart.

Or Robin Williams?

Ensign Crusher, set a coursefor vector five

and then come hereand give me a blow.

All right, but you're not gonna(bleep) on my face this time.

(imitates computer beeping)


(hums a tune)

The worst... This is theweirdest holodeck program

-I've ever been in.-HARDWICK: What...

My pussy has never been so dry.

You're welcome.

Next one, next one, this valiantattempt at the Justice League.

-Who is their arch...-WOMAN: Aw.

Aw. This poor girl in the front

couldn't help but go, "Aw."

Who is...who is their archenemy? Ross.




Next up, these Sesame Street companions.




they're gonna (bleep) you.

Yeah. Yeah.

What is the lessonof this children's show? Wil.

God has abandoned us.

Yes, points. Points.


(Hungarian accent):Two, two restraining orders.

Ah, ah, ah!

Points. Points.


Sometimes it doesn't get better.

Yeah, points. Points.

Well done. Very well done.

Before the break,

we showed you PornHub'sSave the Whale campaign.

I asked youto give the tagline

for anotherpornographic charity.

Let's see what you came up with.Ross Marquand.

At PornHub we're proudto promote gay marriage

between sorority girlsand their shy new roommates.

Yeah. All right.

Wil Wheaton.

For the costof two videos a day,

you can personally prevent

30 million unwanted pregnancies.


For every interracial sex sceneviewed,

PornHub will donate a dollarto inner-city schools.

Because once you goBlack Lives Matter,

you never go Back Lives Matter.

All right.

As we go to our next game,

-Stick It in My Blowhole!Stick It in My Blowhole. -Oh.

If you're just tuning in,moments ago,

our comedians proposedthree jizz-tastic

new PornHubphilanthropic efforts

so masturbators can fapfor the environment.

#GreenJerkers. Uh...

But since PornHub got us hornierthan a sperm whale

in Lake Titicaca withtheir Save the Whales campaign,

we thought we'd kick it upa notch by suggesting,

what if they helpedour o-ocean friends become

even more porny for whales?

Um, they get horny, too,I assume.

So, comedians, let's help makesome whales even wetter

by naming as many linesfrom undersea porns as you can

in 60 seconds. And begin.Marcella.

You can free willy on my chest.



I (bleep) in you on porpoise.

Points. Ross.

Two girls, one cove.

Points. Wil.

This wasno motorboating accident.

Points. Marcella.

That's not the BP oil spill.That's Ursula squirting.


It was. Wil Wheaton.

Can I give all my pointsto Marcella?

Yes, you can. Uh...

Uh, Admiral, Admiral,

the Germans have breachedthe poop deck!

Points. Ross.

I want to motorboat you likea manatee in a Florida canal.


Hey! Why are the manateesdown there?

They knowwhat's gonna happen! Wil.

♪ Darling, it's betterdown where it's wetter ♪

Yes, points.

Uh, although that would suggestyou have crabs.


Uh, Marcella.

Girl, are you a mermaid?

'Cause your bottom halfis fishy.

Yeah, points.


Ross Marquand.

We lost a lot of good sementhat day.


Goddamn it.