Paul Mooney & Mike Sweeney

  • Season 1, Ep 0156
  • 02/24/1992

NO, YOU COULDN'T HEAR METALKING, BECAUSE I WASN'T.

I WAS DOING ONE OF THOSESHOW BIZ...

( mouthing words )

( laughing silently )

YOU KNOW, I HAVE A FEELING

THAT TONIGHT MAY BE ONE OFTHOSE GREAT SHOW BUSINESS NIGHTS

THAT WE'VE YET TO SEEIN MANY, MANY YEARS.

AND YOU KNOW JUST WHAT I MEAN,SO DON'T FAKE IT WITH ME.

COME ON, KIDS,GET IT UP, GIVE IT UP

IT'S SHOW BUSINESS.

IT'S AT ITS VERY FINEST TONIGHT.

I'VE SPENT A LOT OF YEARSIN THIS BUSINESS.

I'VE SPENT A LOT OF NIGHTS

WITH A LOT OF GREATPEOPLE IN THIS BUSINESS.

FROM THE GREAT COMICS--FROM THE SHECKY GREENES...

( laughter )

TO THE BERLES...

TO THE LEWISES.

I'VE SPENT MANY NIGHTSWITH THE GREAT COMICS

AND THEN I JUST SWUNGALL THE WAY OVER

AND HUNG OUT WITHTHE ROCK 'N' ROLLERS.

AXEL...

I WAS HIS NEIGHBOR FOR AWHILE.

DON'T FORGET THAT.

WE KICKED IN A LOT OF DOORSIN A LOT OF HOTELS, OKAY?

STEVIE NICKS AND I HAVECRIED AND CRIED AND CRIED.

BUT THIS COULD BE ONEOF THOSE SHOW BUSINESS NIGHTS

THAT YOU WILL NEVER FORGET

AND I DON'T KNOW WHY YET,AND I'M SCARED.

( laughter )

BUT I FEEL THE TENSIONMOUNTING, BUILDING.

SOMEBODY'S MOUNTINGSOMEBODY, SOMEWHERE.

WHAT? WHAT IS THAT?

YOU'RE...

IN THE MIDDLEOF MY BRILLIANCE?

YOU'RE GOING TO GIVE MESOME TACKY T-SHIRT?

Woman:YOU'LL LOVE IT.

OH, WE'LL DECIDE THATWHEN WE SEE IT, HONEY.

I LOVE THE... BOLD.

THIS IS JUST FORMY VIEWING ENJOYMENT?

WHAT?

THAT IS? WHAT?

( laughter )

WHAT IS IT, HONEY?

( inaudible )

WHAT ARE YOU, LIKE,A ONE-MAN REVIEW?

WHAT IS THIS?

"JUST DO ME"?

HONEY, NOT WITH THAT BLOUSE.

( laughter and applause )

( hooting )

OH, WOW, I'M TRIPPING.

THIS REMINDS ME OF THE '60s.

WHAT?

PEOPLE ARE SCREAMING OUT,THEY'RE FREAKING OUT.

I'M HOLDING THIS FERKACHTE T-SHIRT

LIKE I'M REALLYGOING TO TAKE THIS HOME.

IS IT AT LEAST 100% COTTON?

Woman:AND I WOREIT FIRST, TOO.

( applause )

GOD KNOWS WHAT YOU DIDWITH A KALEIDOSCOPE.

I'M NOT EVEN GOING TO...

( applause )

NO, I'M SORRY.

IT'S GETTING FUNKY AND REAL,OR REAL FUNKY, WHATEVER.

OH, NO, HONESTLY,THIS IS A BIG SHOW TONIGHT.

THANK YOU, THE LOVELYMISS SANDRA BERNHARD.

I'M THE ONE WHO GAVE HERHER NIGGER LIPS.

UM...

WELL, IT'S TRUE.

I'M GOING TO TALKABOUT HER FOR A MINUTE

BECAUSE I MET HERWHEN SHE WAS 18 YEARS OLD

AND I TOLD HER SHE WASA CIGARETTE COME TO LIFE.

AND I TOLD HER SOMEDAYTHOSE NIGGER LIPS WOULD BE IN

AND MY PREDICTION CAME TRUE.

NOW ALL OF YOUARE GOING, "HA, HA"

BECAUSE MOST OF YOUGOT THE FAKE ONES NOW.

SEE, I WENT TO SCHOOLWITH WHITE PEOPLE

AND I REMEMBER YOU GUYSHAD THIN LIPS.

BEVERLY HILLS WOMEN HAVEUBANGI, MACUMBA LOVE LIPS.

I GUESS BLACK PEOPLE AREBEING KILLED ON THE FREEWAY.

THEY JUST COME BY:"I'LL TAKE THOSE."

( laughter )

VOGUE SAYS,"THE BIGGER, THE BETTER."

I LIKE THIS WHITE MANRIGHT HERE.

YOU'RE STARING AT ME

LIKE I'VE LANDED FROMTHE PLANET NIGGERTORUS.

( laughter )

ALL OF A SUDDEN,IT'S NOT COMEDY.

YOU'RE TRYING TO FIGURE IT OUT.

THAT WHITE GUILT, JUST...

BUT DON'T BE OFFENDEDBY ANYTHING I SAY, PLEASE DON'T.

MY PARENTS ARE WHITE,PLEASE RELAX.

AND THERE'S SO MUCHHAPPENING IN THE WORLD--

THE RIOT? OH, THE RIOT.

THOSE OF YOU FROM L.A.,WAS IT FUN?

OH, I HAD A BALL.

I'VE GOT ABOUT 50 TVs,I LOVE IT.

I USED TO WONDERWHAT CHANNEL TO WATCH.

NOW I HAVE TO SAYWHICH BRAND TO WATCH.

THAT WAS FUN FOR ME-- I'M SORRY.

I WROTE ABC, I SAID,"I LOVE YOUR NEW SHOW.

IT'S HOT, PLEASE KEEP IT UP."

IT WAS, IT WAS GREAT.

I'VE LIVED THROUGH TWO RIOTS.

IN '65, BLACK PEOPLE,WE WERE ON OUR OWN.

WE MADE ONE MISTAKE: WE STOLESUITS FROM JEWISH PEOPLE.

YOU CANNOT STEALFROM JEWISH PEOPLE.

THEY STAYED UP ALL NIGHT.

THEY SAID, "VE VANTTHOSE SUITS BACK."

NEXT DAY IT WASHEADLINES IN THE PAPER:

"FREE ALTERATIONS."

THE BLACK PEOPLE WENT BACK.

"YEAH, FIX THIS, CUT THIS,BRING THIS UP, TAKE THIS IN."

THIS TIME WE... WHAT?

Man:WE'RE ALL ONE PEOPLE

IN THE EYES OF GOD.

THAT'S IN HEAVEN.

WE LIVE IN LOS ANGELES, SIR.

( laughter )

SEE, THAT'S BLACK POWER, BECAUSETHEY'RE THROWING HIM OUT.

DON'T THROW HIM OUT.

HE HAS A RIGHT TO SAY THAT.

HE HAS A RIGHT TO SAY THAT,AND HIS HAIR IS PRETTY COARSE.

SO, YEAH.

IT IS RACE, IT IS.

THEY'LL HAVE TOTIE HIM UP TONIGHT.

SOMEWHERE HE'LLWAKE UP SCREAMING

"NIGGER! NIGGER!IS HE STILL HERE?"

IT DOESN'T UPSET ME,I SAY IT ALL THE TIME.

BECAUSE WHITE PEOPLEMADE UP "NIGGER"

SO YOU SHOULDN'THAVE MADE IT UP.

I SAY IT EVERY MORNING.

I SAY IT A HUNDRED TIMES.

MAKES MY TEETH WHITE.

"NIGGER, NIGGER, NIGGER,NIGGER, NIGGER."

NOBODY DON'T HAVE ANY TROUBLE

WITH SAYING"ARNOLD SCHWARZE-NIGGER."

OH, THEY LOVE IT, DON'T THEY?

"OH, SCHWARZE-NIGGER,MR. NIGGER, SCHWARZE..."

ONLY A WHITE MAN CAN COME TOAMERICA AND BE CALLED "NIGGER"

AND BE FAMOUS.

I COULDN'T SEE A BLACK ACTORCOMING HERE

AND CALLING HIM"JOHNNY HONKY RED-NECK."

"OH, I LOVEMR. JOHNNY HONKY RED-NECK!"

SO WHO'S THIS CRAZY WHITE MANTHAT BEEN EATING BLACK FOLKS?

WHAT'S HIS NAME?

JEFFREY DAHMER.

I LOVE THAT IMAGE,JUST EATING BLACK FOLKS.

( smacking his lips )

JUST HAVING A GOOD OLD TIME.

OOH, IT TASTESJUST LIKE CHICKEN.

( laughter )

JUST EATING AND JUST...

ALL THEY FOUNDIN THE MAN'S ICEBOX

WAS, UH, KETCHUP ANDLOUISIANA HOT SAUCE.

HE WAS HAVING A GOOD OLD TIME.

HE WORKED INA CHOCOLATE FACTORY.

THAT SHOULD HAVE TOLDSOMEBODY SOMETHING.

AND THEN THEY GAVE HIMTRIPLE LIFE.

I SAID, "WHAT DOESTRIPLE LIFE MEAN?

THEY KEEP THE BODYAFTER HE DIES?"

THAT DIDN'T MAKE MESLEEP ANY EASIER.

I SAID, "NO, GIVE HIM LIFEAND PULL HIS TEETH."

LET HIM GETWITH JACK LaLANNE.

LET HIM BE A JUICER.

I KNOW YOU GUYSDON'T LIKE THAT IMAGE--

WHITE PEOPLEEATING BLACK PEOPLE.

"STOP HIM!"

YOU WANT BLACK PEOPLEWITH BIG BONES IN THEIR NOSE

BIG POTS COOKING.

"OH, I CAN SEE THAT VERY CLEAR."

SEE, BEFORE DAHMER, WHEN WHITEPEOPLE STARED AT BLACK PEOPLE

I THOUGHT YOU WERE CURIOUS.

NOW I KNOW THAT YOU'RE CANNIBALSAND YOU'RE HUNGRY.

( laughter )

THEY WILL LET WHITE PEOPLEMAKE A MOVIE ABOUT ANYTHING.

SCISSORHANDS-- GIVE ME A BREAK.

THROW MOMMA FROM THE TRAIN.

ONLY WHITE PEOPLE COULDTHROW THEIR MOMMA FROM A TRAIN.

I GOT MY OWN PROBLEMS.

I'M SUING WHITE HOLLYWOOD FOR $50 MILLION FOR STRESS

BECAUSE FOR SIX MONTHSI HAD TO HEAR

"DARKMAN-- WHO IS DARKMAN?

DARKMAN'S COMING,DARKMAN IS HERE."

I GO TO THE THEATER,AND DARKMAN IS A WHITE MAN.

I SAID, "WELL, I'LL BE DAMNED.

"I'M DARKMAN.

I CAN'T BE SUPERMAN OR BATMAN,BUT DAMN IT, I'M DARKMAN."

BECAUSE I KNOW FOR SIX MONTHS

IF SOMEBODY WHITE HAD TO HEAR,"WHITEMAN, WHITEMAN'S COMING"

AND GO TO THE THEATER ANDSOME BIG BLACK MAN WAS WHITEMAN

YOU'D WANT YOUR MONEY BACK.

AND THEN I GET TIREDOF PEOPLE SAYING

IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD.

THEY GOT TO SAVE THE EARTH,THE OZONE AND THE PLANET

AND DON'T DRINK THE WATER,AND DON'T WEAR FUR.

IT'S ALL CRAP.

EARTH IS BILLIONSOF YEARS OLD.

EARTH DON'T NEED NO BABY--MAN IS SEVEN MILLION YEARS OLD--

TO HELP HIM.

EARTH WILL SAVE ITSELF.

HAVE YOU NOTICEDIT'S BEEN FIGHTING BACK

WITH THE EARTHQUAKES AND STUFF?

WORRY ABOUT PEOPLE, EACH OTHER

NOT SOMETHING WITH FOUR LEGSAND GOT TEETH-- IT'LL BE FINE.

AND I BLAME IT ALLON WHITE PEOPLE, I DO

BECAUSE YOU GUYS STARTED OUTMESSING THIS STUFF UP--

CHOPPING DOWN TREES TO BUILDBOATS TO GO GET BLACK FOLKS.

AND NOW THAT THE PICNIC IS OVER,YOU WANT US TO HELP YOU RECYCLE.

I'M NOT RECYCLING A DAMN THING.

THAT'S ME ON THE FREEWAY.

I THROW EVERYTHING OUT THERE.

HOW ABOUT I HEAR ITFOR THIS SET?

HOLY COW, IT'S ROCOCO...TO THE EXTREME.

I DARE YOU TO FINDTHE FIRE EXTINGUISHER.

WELL, LET ME TALKABOUT SOMETHING.

YOU KNOW, WE ALL KNOW...

WE ALL KNOW THAT THERE'S BEENA LOT OF OPPRESSION IN AMERICA.

YOU KNOW, BLACKS HAVE HAD

HORRIBLE,HORRIBLE EXPERIENCES...

JEWS, A LOT OF MINORITY GROUPS.

BUT LET ME TELL YOU, NO ONEHAS HAD IT WORSE THAN THE IRISH.

THAT'S RIGHT, NO.

CAN I GET THIS OUT, PLEASE?

THEY WERE PERSECUTED ATTHE TURN OF THE CENTURY

BY THE U.S. GOVERNMENT.

THAT'S RIGHT, PROHIBITION.

( laughter )

AND YOU KNOW,IT'S STILL NOT ENDING.

HOW DO YOU THINK IRISH PEOPLEFEEL-- IRISH AMERICANS--

WHEN YOU HAVE A VICE-PRESIDENT

WHO CAN'T EVEN SPELLTHE WORD "POTATO"?

( laughter and applause )

IT'S OUTRAGEOUS.

OH, GOD, I LIVE IN NEW YORK CITY

AND I MEET PEOPLEFROM ALL OVER THE WORLD

AND YOU KNOW WHO'LL NEVER ADMITWHAT COUNTRY THEY'RE FROM?

PEOPLE FROM IRAN.

I GUESS THEY ASSUMEWE STILL HATE THEM

WHICH, YOU KNOW,I DON'T THINK WE DO

BUT THEY'RE VERY PARANOID.

THEY ALWAYS SAYTHEY'RE FROM PERSIA.

"OH, YOU'RE FROM PERSIA?

"OH, HOW DO YOU DO?

"I'M FROM THE BYZANTINEEMPIRE, MYSELF.

"OH, MY FRIENDS HERE

"THEY'RE FROM THE LOSTCONTINENT OF ATLANTIS.

"JUST TO MAKE YOU FEEL AT HOME.

"AND I THINK YOU REMEMBER

"MY GOOD FRIENDS THE HITTITESOVER HERE.

ALWAYS NICE WHEN THEY DROP BY."

IT'S UNBELIEVABLE.

SOMEONE ASKED ME TO GODOWN TO MEXICO

BUT I'M A LITTLE NERVOUSAFTER WHAT HAPPENED RECENTLY.

A SEWER PIPE EXPLODEDAND KILLED 200 PEOPLE.

THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS

WHEN YOU HAVE AN ENTIRE COUNTRYEATING MEXICAN FOOD.

( laughter )

I'M AS SHOCKED AS YOU ARE.

I CAN'T EVEN TAKETELEVISION ANYMORE.

HOW MANY MORE CABLE STATIONSWILL THERE BE?

COMEDY CENTRAL,OF COURSE, IS GOOD.

BUT I WANT TO MAKE UP MYOWN STUPID IDEAS, YOU KNOW

FOR CABLE CHANNELS.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'D LIKE TO SEE?

HOW ABOUT THE 24-HOUR

7-ELEVEN SURVEILLANCECAMERA CHANNEL?

( cheering )

JUST PEOPLE SQUEEZING TWINKIESFROM AROUND THE NATION.

HAVE A FAMILY FEUD CHANNEL,THAT WOULD BE GOOD.

THAT SHOW... THEY HAVE RUNOUT OF FAMILIES ON THAT SHOW.

I WATCHED A MONTH AGO.

THEY HAD A VERY NICEFAMILY ON FROM PAKISTAN

BUT THEY'D ONLY BEENLIVING IN AMERICA A YEAR.

YOU COULD TELL THEY RUSHEDGOING ON THE SHOW.

"OKAY, TOP FIVE REASONS ONOUR BOARD COUPLES BREAK UP."

( imitates buzzer )

"FLOODS?"

( laughter )

Man:GOOD ANSWER.

YEAH, GOOD ANSWER.

WELL, THEY'RE HERE NOW.

OKAY, GOOD.

YEAH, GREAT.

YEAH, I CAN'T EVENWATCH MTV ANYMORE.

I WAS WATCHING... OH, I WATCHEDMTV NEWS THE OTHER NIGHT.

HARD-HITTING NEWS ITEM:

THE NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCKLIP-SYNCHING.

WHO GIVES A DAMN?

THAT'S LIKE FINDING OUT

THE MUPPETS DIDN'T SINGTHEIR OWN MUSIC.

( applause )

YOU KNOW WHY THE NEW KIDSWERE EVER POPULAR?

WHO ELSE CAN A TEN-YEAR-OLDGIRL HAVE A CRUSH ON?

BECAUSE THE ROCK STARS,THEY'RE GETTING UP THERE.

I MEAN, WHAT'S A GIRLGOING TO SAY?

"OH, KEITH RICHARDSLOOKS SO HOT.

"HE'S GOT A NEW CREASEDOWN THE MIDDLE OF HIS FACE.

"AH, AH, AH, AH, AH, AH, AH.

OH, HOLD ME BACK."

CAN WE KNOCK THAT OFF?

YOU KNOW THEY SPENT FIVE HOURS

LOOKING FOR THE ONE SONGTHAT MOST REPRESENTS

WHAT THEY'RE ALL ABOUT.

LIKE YOU'RE GOING TO CALL UP

AND GO, "WOW, JOEL'SINTO FUSION JAZZ!

MAYBE I WILL GO OUT WITH HIM."

PLEASE.

WE HAVE TOO MANYPHONE COMPANIES NOW.

WHOSE IDEA WAS ITTO BREAK UP AT&T?

SPRINT AND M.C.I.KEEP BUGGING ME.

I GOT A CALL A MONTH AGO.

I'M, LIKE, "HELLO.

"OH, M.C.I., WHAT IS IT NOW?

"YES, I'M STILL WITH SPRINT.

OH, YOU'LL PAINT MY APARTMENT?"

( laughter )

"NO, YOU CAN'TCOME OVER RIGHT NOW.

SPRINT'S HERE DOING MY LAUNDRY."

( applause )

DON'T EVER SWITCH COMPANIES.

I MADE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE.

I LEFT SPRINT FOR M.C.I.

AND NOW SPRINT IS WORSE

THAN ANY EX-GIRLFRIENDI HAVE EVER HAD IN MY LIFE.

I'M AFRAIDTO ANSWER THE PHONE NOW.

"HELLO-- OH, SPRINT,THIS ISN'T FUNNY.

"NO, YOU'VE GOTTO STOP CALLING HERE.

"LOOK, LOOK, LOOK,IT WASN'T YOU, OKAY?

"IT WAS ME-- I CHANGED.

"IT WAS TOO MUCH TOO SOON.

"I HAD TO HIT THE BRAKES.

"NO, YOU CAN'T COME OVER!

"NOW, LOOK, YOU DID NOTLEAVE PHONE JACKS HERE.

STOP IT."

IS THIS GUY PLEADED NOT GUILTYBY REASON OF INSANITY.

SO A JURY HAD TO DECIDE

WHETHER A MAN WHO KEPTBODY PARTS IN HIS FREEZER

WAS INSANE OR NOT.

GEE, I WONDER WHAT KIND OF CLUESTHEY WERE KEYING IN ON THERE.

"WELL, HE REALLY DIDN'TWRAP THE HEADS PROPERLY

"FOR LONG-TERM FREEZER STORAGE.

YOU TELL ME THAT AIN'T NUTS."

JEFFREY DAHMER HAD POLAROIDPHOTOS OF ALL THESE BODIES.

WELL, OF COURSE THEY HADTO BE POLAROIDS.

IT'S NOT LIKE YOU COULDDROP THAT ROLL OF FILM OFF.

( laughter )

IS ANYONE HERE FROM MILWAUKEE?

WHAT A WIMPY CITY.

YOU HAD ONE SERIAL KILLER,AND YOU GUYS FLIPPED OUT.

YOU'RE HAVING MARCHESDOWN MAIN STREET.

I MEAN, GROW UP.

YOU KNOW, IF JEFFREY DAHMERLIVED IN NEW YORK

NEW YORKERS WOULDHAVE BEEN, LIKE

"HEY, DO YOU THINK THATAPARTMENT'S AVAILABLE?"

YOU KNOW WHAT ELSEI COULDN'T BELIEVE?

A POLITICIAN IN MILWAUKEEWAS MAD AT THE NEWSPAPERS

BECAUSE HE SAID THEYSHOULD HAVE EMPHASIZED

THAT THESE WERE RACIST KILLINGS.

WELL, YOU KNOW,IF JEFFREY DAHMER'S A RACIST

I THINK THAT'SWAY DOWN ON THE LIST

OF WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS GUY.

WORK OUR WAY DOWN TO THAT ONEIN PRISON THERAPY, YOU KNOW?

I MEAN, THAT'S HOW SILLYWE'RE GETTING IN AMERICA NOW.

WE'RE GETTING TO THE POINT NOW

WHERE SERIAL KILLERSHAVE TO WORRY

ABOUT BEING POLITICALLY CORRECT.

"OH, I GOT A BLACK HEADIN THE FREEZER.

"OKAY, I GOT TO REMEMBERTO KILL A WHITE GUY TONIGHT.

"MMM, I DON'T WANTTO HAVE AL SHARPTON

"SURROUNDING THE APARTMENT COMPLEX.

I ALWAYS HATEWHEN THAT HAPPENS."

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