Tuesday, November 11, 2014

  • 11/11/2014

Rob Riggle and the Sklar Brothers caption one of Drake's cheesy Instagrams, list #RejectedMuppets and advertise bootleg DVDs that didn't quite translate in foreign markets.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S" RAPID REFRESH."

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

YESTERDAY WE BROUGHT YOU THEBREAKING STORY OF TAYLOR SWIFT'S

NEW VIDEO FOR BLANK SPACE WHERESHE PLAYS THE WORLD'S MOST

DIFFICULT GIRLFRIEND-- A.K.A.,TAYLOR SWIFT.

THERE'S NOW A MOBILE APP THATTURNS THE VIDEO INTO AN

INTERACTIVE GAME.

YAY!

NO!

NOW AS YOU CAN SEE IT'S ABOUT ASDYNAMIC AS A COMMUNITY COLLEGE

POTTERY TEACHER READING A PHONEBOOK 10 MINUTES AFTER NYQUIL.

I DON'T REALLY KNOW WHAT HAPPENSTHERE.

HE'S LIKE, OH, THIS PICTUREBROKE BUT YOU CAN REASSEMBLE IT

BECAUSE YOU'RE EMPTY INSIDE.

SO WE DECIDED TO ADD SOME MORETRADITIONAL VIDEO GAME ELEMENTS

TO MAKE IT MORE EXCITING ANDVIDEO GAMEY.

THESE ARE FUN.

THIS IS WHAT IT SHOULD HAVEBEEN.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

WAIT, WAIT.

OH, NO, A GIANT TAYLOR SWIFT ISATTACKING JAPAN!

>> IT'S CALLED A TAYLOR SWIFTTOUR OF JAPAN.

>> CHRIS: YES! HIT HER WITH THENUKES!

>> OR THE NEW ALBUM.

WHATEVER WILL KILL THEMFIRST.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

>> CHRIS: 100 POINTS TO JASONSKLAR.

I WISH THE ACTUAL GAME WAS THISCOOL, BUT I LOVE THE IDEA OF A

VIDEO GAME BASED ON A BADMID-20'S RELATIONSHIP.

GUYS, IF THEY WERE TO MAKEA VIDEO GAME BASED ON YOUR WORST

RELATIONSHIP, WHAT WOULD ONE OFTHE MISSIONS BE? JASON.

>> MISSION NUMBER ONE, TRY TOGET THE DEPOSIT BACK FROM THE

CATERER, TWO WEEKS BEFORE THEWEDDING DATE.

YOU HAVE TO. YOU GOTTA GET ITALL. YOU HAVE TO.

>> CHRIS: POINTS. YOU HAVE TO.

ROB RIGGLE.

>> MY MISSION WOULD BE TRY TOGET YOUR PENIS THROUGH THE

BOTTOM OF THE POPCORN BUCKET.

>> CHRIS: YES, OF COURSE. IT'SVERY DIFFICULT TO ENGINEER THAT.

GOOD NEWS FOR YOU BUTTER-THUMBEDTYPO-MONGERS.

INSTAGRAM IS NOW ALLOWING USERSTO GO BACK AND EDIT THEIR

CAPTIONS AFTER POSTING A PHOTO,WHICH IS HANDY FOR FIXING THAT

PIC OF YOUR MOM YOU MEANT TOWRITE #NOFILTER BUT MISTAKENLY

WROTE THIS.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> ALL RIGHT.

THOSE ARE THE MOST MOM EARRINGSI'VE EVER SEEN IN MY ENTIRE

LIFE.

THOSE EARRINGS ARE PICKINGSOMEONE UP FROM SOCCER PRACTICE.

BUT SHE LIKE, HOLDING APHALLUS, THAT CARROT.

> AND SHE'S CUTTING IT. >> YEAH. SERIOUS HO FILTER.

>> CHRIS: OVER TO THE SIDE ISDAD GOING YEAH, THAT'S ABOUT

RIGHT.

BY THE WAY, BEFORE YOU GO TO BEDTONIGHT, REMEMBER EVERYONE'S

MOMS HAD JIZ ON THEM.

ALL RIGHT WE THOUGH -- WHAT?

>> NOT MY MOTHER, SIR!

>> ALL RIGHT, WE THOUGHT WE'DTAKE ADVANTAGE OF THIS NEW

EDITING FEATURE.

HERE'S AN INSTAGRAM THATCANADIAN SWEATER FAN DRAKE

POSTED YESTERDAY OF HIMSELF WITHTHE TORONTO RAPTOR MASCOT.

RAR, RAR, RAR, RAR -- IT TASTESLIKE CANDY!

>> HE'S GROWLING SWEET NOTHINGSINTO HIS HEAR.

>> CHRIS: (GRUNTING NOISES) RAR,RAR, RAR, RAR.

A PHOTOGRAPHER TOOK THIS AT THEGAME, BUT DRAKE PUT IT ON

INSTAGRAM WITH THE CAPTION "SIXAND ONE, @THETORONTORAPTORS."

BORING.

COMEDIANS, HOW WOULD YOU EDITHIS CAPTION?

JASON SKLAR.

>> ONLY YOU CAN SEE ME!

>> CHRIS: POINTS, POINTS.

RANDY.

>> O, CANADA, WHERE SPECIESESAND RAP CAREERS COME TO DIE.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> CHRIS: POINTS -- ROB.

>> IF YOU WANT ME TO WEAR THISTHE WHOLE TIME IT'S GOING TO BE

ANOTHER THOUSAND BUCK.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

WHICH ONE?

WHICH ONE?

>> CHRIS: YEAH, WHO? WHICH ONE.

>> THAT, BY THE WAY, COULD BETHE RAPTOR TALKING TO DRAKE.

IT'S NOW TIME FOR TONIGHT'S#HASHTAGWARS.

I AM SO EXCITED.

DO KNOW WHAT THIS MARKS THE45th ANNIVERSARY OF THIS

WEEK?

"SESAME STREET."

45 YEARS OF SESAME STREET.

TO CELEBRATE OUR FAVORITEPLUSHY CHILDREN'S EDUCATORS,

TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS#REJECTEDMUPPETS.

SOME EXAMPLES WOULD BE:BIG TURD. OR ELMO-MONEY,

ELMO-PROBLEMS.

OR MISS BACON.

I'M PUTTING 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND GO.

YES, JASON.

>> JUSTIN BEAKER.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

ROB?

>> WEEKEND AT BERT AND ERNIES.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

RANDY.

>> MISS PIGGY AZALEA.

SHE'S GOT A LOT OF BACK BACON INTHAT TRUNK.

>> CHRIS: YEAH, POINTS.

>> YEAH, SHAKE THAT ( BLEEP ).

JAY.

>> LEGALLY OBLIGATED TO INFORMYOU THAT I'VE MOVED INTO THE

NEIGHBORHOOD ELMO.

>> CHRIS: SO GOOD.

POINTS!

( APPLAUSE )ROB.

>> OSCAR PISTORIUS THE GROUCH.

>> ( BLEEP ).

>> CHRIS: THAT WOULD BE AREJECTED MUPPET.

POINTS.

TECHNICALLY, OSCAR DOESN'T HAVEANY LEGS, EITHER.

( LAUGHTER )POINTS, RANDY.

>> JIM HENSON'S NAKED HAND.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

ROB.

>> TICKLE ME TILL I SHART ELMO.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

JASON.

>> SYPHILIPHIGUS.

>> CHRIS: POINT.

>> ONLY BIG BIRD CAN GET IT.

>> CHRIS: GENIUS!

IT'S TIME TO PLAY "FOREIGN MOVEYPIRATEEES GAYME."

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )WORLDWIDEINTERWEB HAS COMPILED A

COLLECTION OF HILARIOUS FOREIGNBOOTLEG DVD MISTRANSLATIONS.

I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU A DVDCOVER FROM THE LIST AND FOR 250

POINTS YOU HAVE TO GIVE ME APITCH TO HELP SELL IT.

FIRST ONE: SEAN CONNERY VS. THECOCK.

DID HE WIN? THAT'S AN AWFULLYBIG COCK.

JASON.

>> YOU GOTTA WATCH THIS MOVIE SOYOU CAN HEAR SEAN CONNERY SAY

THE CLASSIC LINE, "YOU'RE THECOCK NOW, DOG."

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

ROB RIGGLE.

>> WELL, IT'S WAY BETTER THANROGER MOORE VERSUS THE COCK.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

>> A LOT OF ARGUMENTS ON THAT.>> THAT'S UNDISPUTED.

>> CHRIS: ALL RIGHT.

NEXT ONE: A VERSION OF LINCOLNLIKE YOU'VE NEVER SEEN HIM.

JASON.

>> IT'S FIVE MINUTES OF LINCOLNJUST BLOWING DUDES AWAY, AND

THEN IT'S TWO HOURS AND SEVENMINUTES OF MATTHEW McCONAUGHEY

JUST DRIVING AROUND IN ALINCOLN.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

>> ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALLRIGHT.

>> CHRIS: LAST ONE.

A BIKINI CARWASH VERSION OFREDTAILS WITH THE TAGLINE "THANK

YOU NOBLE BLACK MAN FOR SAVINGUS FROM HITLER AND THE EVIL

WHITE NAZIS."

( LAUGHTER )

IT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE SHE'SSALUTING SO MUCH AS LIKE,

WHERE'S THE CAMERA.

>> THERE ARE SO MANY SWASTIKA'S,IT'S SO WEIRD.

>> CHRIS: IS THAT HITLER? ISTHAT HITLER OVER THERE?

>> GSTOP-IT.

>> CHRIS: JASON?

>> BLACK MAN AND RED TAILS MEETWHITE TRASH.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

IT WORKS.

IT'S TIME FOR OUR NEXT GAME,"NICE CAT, MEAN CAT."

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

CATS. PEOPLE LOVE THEM.

BUT CATS ARE UNPREDICTABLECREATURES.

THEY CAN GO FROM SNUGGLY TOHORRIBLE AT THE DROP OF A HAT.

FOR SEEMINGLY NO REASON.

KIND OF LIKE THAT GIRL YOU DATEDIN COLLEGE THAT YOU SWORE YOU

COULD FIX. OH!

I CAN MAKE HER LOVE ME.

I CAN ABSORB ALL OF HERPROBLEMS. SHE'S SCRATCHINGME!

I'M IN ECSTASY.

COMEDIANS, I'M GOING TO SHOW YOUA STILL FROM A GIF OR A VIDEO

AND FOR 250 POINTS, YOU TELL MEIF THIS CAT IS NICE CAT OR A

MEAN, HELL-BEAST CAT.

FIRST ONE, FIRST ONE. THISTV-READY KITTY.

IS THIS IS A NICE CAT OR ANASSHOLE. RANDY?

>> THIS IS GOING TO BE ANASSHOLE.

>> CHRIS: ALL RIGHT, LET'S FINDOUT.

>> THIS LITTLE GUY IS HAVINGFUN, BUT PART OF THE SENTENCE,

THE COUPLE IS GOING TO HAVE TOCOME RIGHT.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> CAT FIGHT.

>> CHRIS: I WONDER IF THEWEATHER GIRL IS WATCHING, THAT'S

RIGHT, BITCH.

TRY TO TAKE MY JOB.

ALL RIGHT, NEXT ONE. THISCAT-IN-THE-HATE AND HIS

OFF-SCREEN FRIEND?

OH, HOW COULD THAT? -- IMEAN, COME ON. JASON

>> OH, THIS IS AN ASSHOLE.

>> CHRIS: YOU THINK SO?

>> YEAH, I THINK THIS ONE'SGONNA GET -- I CAN FEEL IT.

I KNOW IT'S NOT TRUE, BUT I WASJUST HOPING.

(AUDIENCE SAYS WHOA !)

( LAUGHTER )

>> CHRIS: I CAN TELL YOUSOMETHING?

THIS IS ACTUALLY-- THAT'SACTUALLY MY FRIEND TIM'S CAT.

I SWEAR TO GOD.

>> I THOUGHT THAT WAS CHRISBROWN'S CAT.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> THE PROBLEM IS, YOU KNOWTHEY'RE GOING TO BE PACK

TOGETHER TOMORROW.

>> WHERE DO YOU GO SHOPPING FORA BOWLER HAT THAT SMALL?

A HIPSTER HAT --I WOULD HAVESMACKED ( BLEEP ) OUT OF THAT

CAT, TOO. LOOK AT THAT HAT!

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> CHRIS: THE CAT'S FINE,PROBABLY!

NEXT ONE, THIS DOG-LOVING CAT.

THIS DOG-LOVING CAT.

JASON?

>> OH, THIS IS GOING TO ENDHORRIBLY.

>> CHRIS: YOU THINK SO?

>> YES, THIS IS GOING TO BEHORRIBLE.

>> CHRIS: LET'S FIND OUT.

>> HELLO, YOUNG LADY.

>> IT LOOK LIKES -- OH!

>> THAT COULD GO EITHER WAY, BYTHE WAY.

>> WHY IS THAT A FUNNY CAT?

THAT'S NOT A FUNNY CAT.

IT'S A TWISTED CAT.

>> I WOULD TITLE THIS THINGASPCA OFFICE PARTY GOES WRONG.

( APPLAUSE )

ASA WE JUMP TO OUR NEXT GAME"AUNT MAY-DECEMBER ROMANCE."

EVER SINCE MARVEL DECIDED TOMAKE 200 BILLION MILLION

DOLLARS, EVERYONE IS TRYING TOMAKE EXTENDED UNIVERSES.

TRUSTED COMIC BOOK NEWS SOURCETHELATINO-REVIEW.COM HAS SOCIAL

MEDIA BLOWING UP OVER THE RUMORTHAT SONY IS PLANNING A MOVIE

SPIN-OFF ON PETER PARKER'S AUNTMAY.

WHOSE ONLY SUPERPOWER IS TO BE AREALLY PATIENT WOMAN.

( LAUGHTER )

COMEDIANS, AUNT AUNT MAY SAYLONELY WIDOW WITH A DISTANT

NEPHEW.

SO I WANT YOU TO COME UP WITHSPOILERS FOR THIS EXCITING NEW

MOVIE THAT PROBABLY IS NOTHAPPENING.

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND GO.

YES, RANDY.

>> SHE BATTLES HER GREATESTVILLAIN, ONLINE BANKING.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

>> CHRIS: POINT.

ROB.

>> SHE CAN'T SLEEP WITHOUT AHUMIDIFIER.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

JAY.

>> SHE BURST INTO TEARS ANY TIMESOMEONE SERVES HER A BOWL OF

WHITE RICE, MUTTERING TOHERSELF, "UNCLE BEN."

>> CHRIS: YES POINTS. JASON.

>> SHE MISTAKES HER VICODIN FORHER LIPITOR AND ENDS UP PASSED

OUT AT AN ARBY'S.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

THIS IS A VERY EXCITING MOVIE SOFAR, ROB.

>> IT GOT WEIRD FOR ME WHEN AUNTMAY STARTED BREAST FEEDING THE

PUPPY.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> BY THE WAY, THE OWN REASON ITWAS WEIRD WAS BECAUSE THAT MILK

WAS EXPIRED.

>> CHRIS: POINTS!

NO, NO, NO.

IT WASN'T EXPIRED.

IT WAS JUST POWDERED MILK.

>> OH!

>> OH!

>> OH!

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )