Big City

  • Season 2, Ep 8
  • 08/09/1999

A trash girl takes a rich man out of his house for the first time in his life, and a hooker is put in charge of a gourmet coffee shop.

Thank you.

Okay, Wendy.

I told the agency tosend anybody over,

regardless of experience

because we're desperatefor help this summer.

Just had anotherkid quit on me today.

It's nice to have an adultapplying for a change.


I'm changing careersand it's difficult

to get intoa new field.

Oh, what wasyour last job?

I was kind ofa whore.

Aren't we allin a way, huh?

Yeah, I guess so.

Okay, Wendy, let's seeexactly how you sold yourself.

Okay, it says here youwere a dancer.

Were thesenational tours?

No, they werestrip clubs.

I put down dancing 'causeI thought it sounded better.

I see.

Okay, let's forgetabout job experience.

I don't think any ofit's gonna apply.

Okay, special skills.

Eating while driving.

Explain that.

You know how it's good to killtwo birds with two stones?

Well-- can Ismoke in here?No.

Anyway, if I'm hungry andI gotta do a lot of errands,

I get in my car, I go throughthe drive-through

and I eat whileI do my errands.

You know, if I gotta pick up agirl who doesn't have a car

or I gotta scoresome Super Cool

or I gotta buy abox of condoms in bulk.

Okay, Wendy.

Special skillsdon't apply either.

Uh... You have a sectionon your resume

entitled "Mydos and don'ts."

I've never seenthat before.

Thank you.

Ah, you're welcome.

Okay, what doesthis mean?

"I won't s the dand you can't c on my f."

I won't your suck your (bleep);you can't (bleep) on my face.

I put it in initials 'causeI thought it sounded better.

I wouldn't putthat on my resume.

Well, that's myold resume.

What doesDP stand for?

Double penetration.

TP?Triple penetration.


Farm animals/pets/lunchmeat.

L insidea C?I won't layinside a coffin.

F a T?I won't fista turkey.

DHD on a HC?

I will not suck a double-headeddildo on a Hovercraft.

That's insane.I know, that'swhy I won't do it!

Secret Santa.

Is that whatI hope it is?

Yeah, yeah.

Every Christmas,we do Secret Santa

and I always givethe best gifts.

Oh, great.

Like, one year I gavethis chick the hand of Adonis

with a mintygrab bag.

What was that?

It's a 12-inchdildo with balls.

Okay, Wendy,I'm sorry.

I'd love to giveyou your first break,

but you're just notqualified for this job.

Oh, butyou are, huh?

You know, I wouldn't act sosuperior if I were you.

What are you,like, 40-plus years old,

you settled for managinga bunch of teenagers

in a franchise coffee shop?

Is that what you dreamed of whenyou were young and beautiful?


Oh Christ.

I wanted tobe an astronaut.


It's never too lateto be what we want to be.


♪ The whore and the manager ♪

♪ Both trying to maketheir own way ♪

♪ Oh he wantsto live on the moon ♪

♪ And she just wantsto work days ♪

♪ She cameup from hooking ♪

♪ And he came up froma sensible start ♪

♪ Ooh the whoredreams of living clean ♪

♪ He dreams of leavingthis rock ♪

♪ When God made us all ♪

♪ He had a dream ♪

♪ We would liveour lives our own way ♪

♪ And the whore andthe manager ♪

♪ They'll get there too ♪

♪ There's a price they'llhave to pay ♪

♪ We all pray to play yeah ♪

♪ We all pray to play yeah ♪

♪ What we have today ♪

You've given me thestrength to follow my dreams.

I'm going to quit this placeand join the space program.

Good for you!

And I'm gonna throwyou a wild party

'cause I never hadan astronaut friend before.

♪ Today ♪♪

How do, ma'am?

Can I give you ahand there?

Oh, whata gentleman.

Uh, no thanks,I'm fine.

You sure, ma'am--It's no problem.

No, I don'tneed your help.

Thank you anyway.

Ah, here--Let me carry you.



Look, I don't needyou to carry me.

Put me down.

No, ma'am,it's all right.

You just tell me where you'regoing and I'll carry you there.

You don't needto carry me anywhere.

Just put me down.

Ma'am, I know you thinkyou're putting me out,

but I know if Iwas all crippled up,

I'd want someoneto carry me.

I'm not crippled up.

You think you're too fatfor me to carry, don't you?

Heck, you're a littlewide in the hips,

but that's God giftwhen you're giving birth.

I am notwide in the hips!


What's the matterwith the little lady?

Ah, the little lady'sall crippled up,

so I'm justcarrying her.

I'm not crippled up!

Ma'am, we allneed help sometimes.

Well, let me give you ahand there, partner.

I don't needyour help!

All right,look, put me down.

Oh, ma'am, youare not fat.

I tried totell her that.

Hey, big girl keeps youwarm in the winter,

gives youshade in the summer.

I am not fat!

Nowyou're talking.

Where are we taking youto, little lady?Oh.


Oh, Brian,thank God!

You two knoweach other?

That's my husband!

Well, pleasure tomeet you, sir-- Howdy.

What the hellis going on here?

Well, little lady'sall crippled up,

so we'rejust carrying her.

She's not crippled up,she's wearing a walking cast.

Mister, if she was a horse,they'd shoot her.

Put her down!

Not on that leg,I'm not.

Now if you want tocarry her, that's fine by me.

I'm not goingto carry her.

I guess now we know whyshe thinks she's fat.

I am not fat!

Yeah, we knowyou're not, ma'am.

Now, you just tell us whereyou want to go to eat--

Who saidanything about eating?

Well, we just sortof figured.

Well, hot dog!

We just got ourselves invitedto some kind of wing ding!

Whoo!There's bound tobe eats there.

You're not carryingher anywhere.

Oh yes we are.

Giddy up!

(Ardith)Brian,help me!

So this is aNew York City bar.

Tiny-ass Port-o-Potty.

Excuse me, doyou speak English

because I don't comprendePort-O-Pottyese.

I'm trying toread my cyber novel.

Yeah, exactly.

And drinkmineral water.

What's wrong withmineral water?

Oh, nothing...

if you're a rock man who livesin the molten lava depths

of the earth onlyto occasionally ascend

to try to dwell among usdecent American humans.

God made it with two Hsand one O, so leave it alone!

You leaveme alone.

You leavewater alone!

Okay, guy, look.

You sound likeyou're from out of town.

Why don't you go visitthe Statue of Liberty

like the restof the tourists?

Good God, man.

I've been tryingto avoid the long stare

of that cold bitch'smetal eyes all day.

My pappy said nevertrust a French whore.

Why should I havesome copper slut

representingmy American freedom

who doesn't evenhave the decency

to wear abra and panties?

Can I help you?


Yeah, I guess you wereback there, uh,

feeding yourpet sewer alligator.

I was washingmy hands.

Yeah,I would too.

They carry disease.

Can I get yousomething to drink?

Well, you ain't got no neonsigns in your bar.

How am I supposedto know what to order?

We have a beerand wine list.

I didn't come hereto read a book!

Gimme Budweiser.

What the Sam Hill!

You better put that beer back inthe can where it was born!


Putting beer in a glass

like Thanksgivingcame early this year.

The only beer we have ina can is Guinness.

Gimme some of thisGenius beer, Doc Crock,

friend to the molemen--What the!

I didn't see any sign that said"gay bar" when I walked in here.

You're about this closeto getting your ass kicked.

George Bush's soul.

That's more like it,Prince Port-O-Potty.

Let's get it going!


Now, now, now!

You see?

You're all in league withthe rat people and the molemen

with your army of seweralligators!



Hell, let'sget it going!

Oh, will you stop it?No!

You're just getting beerall over the place.Now!

Just get the hellout of here, all right?

Just get the hellout of here.

I didn'tfinish my beer-- Oh.

Is this the way you treat avisitor to the big city?

All Iwanted was a beer.


Oh, I've been blindedby Medusa!

What's this?

A party.

Oh, great, howam I gonna get there?

Do I have to go downthrough the subways

with all the molemenand the rat people-- No way.