Tuesday, January 13, 2015

  • 01/13/2015

Grace Helbig, Hari Kondabolu and Doug Benson come up with controversial new series for Amazon, list #BabyRappers and learn about memorable Uber drivers.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S "RAPID REFRESH."

NOW, A LITTLE UPSTART SITEAMAZON WON BIG AT THE GOLDEN

GLOBES OVER THE WEEKEND FORTHEIR TERRIFIC, AMAZING ORIGINAL

SERIES, TRANSPARENT WHICH IS ANINCREDIBLE SHOW.

IF YOU HAVEN'T WATCHED IT, YOUSHOULD.

THEY ANNOUNCED THEY WILL BEFOLLOWING UP WITH A TV SERIES

CREATED BY WOODY ALLEN, A SHOWTHAT I'M SURE WILL APPEAL TO

MILLENNIALS BECAUSE ITSCHARACTER WILL MOST LIKELY BE

DATING A MILLENNIAL.

( LAUGHTER )

WOODY ALLEN HAS NEVER BEEN MORECONTROVERSIAL.

SO THIS IS PRETTY BOLDPROGRAMMING.

IF AMAZON IS INTERESTED INCOURTING CONTROVERSY, WHAT OTHER

SHOWS DO YOU THINK THE SHOULDANNOUNCE, GRACE HELBIG.

>> SHIA LEBEOUF'S TED TALKS.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> CHRIS: I FEEL LIKE THAT WOULDPLAY OUT IF SHIA LEBEOUF GETTING

REALLY MAD AND ARGUING WITH THETEDDY BEAR TED.

>> I WOULD WATCH IT. A LOT.

>> CHRIS: POINTS GRACE NHELBIG.HARI?

>> MEL GIBSON'S "FIDDLER ON THEROOF."

>> CHRIS: POINTS. POINTS.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> CHRIS: DOUG BENSON.

>> HOW ABOUT A REBOOT OF THE"LOVE BOAT" WITH BILL COSBY AS

YOUR BAR TENDER.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> CHRIS: IT WORKS.

I HAVE TO GIVE YOU POINTS.

THE INTERNET IS FILLED WITHTIPS ON HOW TO PROTECT YOURSELF

AND PETS FROM SKY COCAINE BUTOVER IN ITALY, THE COUNTRY THAT

ALLOWS THREE-YEAR-OLDS TO SMOKECIGARETTES, ONE MAN IS SCOFFING

SUCH PRECAUTIONS IN A VIDEOGOING VIRAL THIS WEEK.

THIS IS NIC.

NOW, HOW DOES HE TAKE CARE OFHIS DOG PANCHINO IN THE WINTER?

A, DOES HE TOSS HIM INTO THESNOW BECAUSE (BLEEP) IT?

B, DOES HE PUT HIM CHIANTI N HISWATER BOWL TO WARM

HIM UP?

OR C, DRESS HIM IN A GUCCILEATHER DOG COAT AND PRADA

BOOTIES.

DOUG BENSON.

>> I WOULD LIKE TO GO WITH A.,PLEASE.

>> CHRIS: ALL RIGHT.

>> BUT I HOPE HE JUST TOSSES ITAND DOESN'T ( BLEEP ) IT.

( LAGUTHER AND APPLAUSE )

>> CHRIS: LET'S FIND OUTING IT.OUT TOGETHER.

(LAUGHTER)

>> CHRIS: I MEAN, THIS POORLITTLE ITALIAN CHIHUAHUA IS

LIKE, "FIRST THE SWEATER AND NOWTHIS.

COME ON?

( ITALIAN CURSE )."

IF YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT PONCHO,WE SAW ANOTHER VIDEO OF THIS GUY

DOING YOGA WITH HIM SO HISLIFE IS PRETTY MUCH A NIGHTMARE.

( LAUGHTER )

COMEDIANS, PLEASE GIVE USANOTHER ITALIAN PET TIP.

HARI.

>> PUT NUTELA ON YOUR BALLS ANDLAY BACK.

IT'S CALLED AN ITALIAN JOB.

>> CHRIS: YES WELL --

POINTS, AND I AM FINALLY GLADSOMEONE EXPLAINED TO MY WHY

IT'S CALLED NUTELA.

IT'S NOW TIME FOR TONIGHT'S"#HASHTAGWARS."

TOMORROW NIGHT, ESPN WILLPREMIERE THE DOCUSERIES, "SNOOP

AND SON," A DAD'S DREAM ABOUTSNOOP DOGG AND HIS SON, CORDELL

DOGG, WHO IS ONE OF THE MOSTSOUGHT-AFTER HIGH SCHOOL

FOOTBALL PLAYERS IN THE COUNTRYAND NOT JUST BY PEOPLE WHO WANT

TO KNOW IF HIS DAD CAN GET THEMPOT, DOUG.

IN HONOR OF RAPPERS' KIDSEVERYWHERE, TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS

#BABYRAPPERS, #BABBYRAPPERS.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE THE NOTORIOUSL.I.T.T.L.E.

OR OL' DIRTY BINKY.

OR YOUNG DIRTY BASTARD.

EITHER ONE WORKS.

OR KENDRICK LAMAZE, WHICH ISENJOYABLE.

60 SECONDS ON THE CLOCK ANDBEGIN.

HARI.

>> LL-DROOL J. J.

>> CHRIS: POINTS. HARI.

>> SIMILAC SHADY.

>> CHRIS: POINTS. GRACE?

>> KANYE BREASTFEEDER

>> CHRIS: YES POINTS.

HARI.

THE NOTORIOUS B.I.G. B.I.R.D.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS. GRACE

IT'S NOT GOING TO MAKE IT HAPPENANY FASTER.

>> I'LL JUST SIT IT OUT THEN.

>> SMALL SEAN.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

DOUG!

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

OH, WAIT I'M SORRY.

WE OUT OF TIME FOR YOUR ANSWER.GO AHEAD, WHAT IS IT.

>> L.L. COOCHY-COOL-"J."

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

GRACE.

>> THIS LITTLE PIGGY AZALEA.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

HARI.

>> RUN DMC-SECTION.

>> CHRIS: POINTS, POINTS.

DOUG?

>> SMALLY BIGS.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS!

AND NOW IT'S TIME TO PLAY MYUBER DRIVER.

UBER IS THE EASIEST WAY TO ORDERA CAR RIDE AND PUT YOUR LIFE IN

THE HANDS OF A SKETCHY, BARELYREGULATED, POSSIBLY INSANE

DRIVER.

WE'RE GOING TO SHOW YOU THEBEGINNING-- THOUGH I NEVER HAD

ANY PROBLEMS WITH THEM IF THATCOMPANY WANTS TO SEND ME FREE

RIDES, GREAT.

WE'RE GOING TO SHOW YOU THEBEGINNING OF A TWEET ABOUT

SOMEONE'S UBER-CRAZY UBERDRIVER, AND FOR 250 POINTS ,YOU

HAVE TO FILL IN THE BLANK.

LET'S BEGIN.

HERE'S THE FIRST ONE: AM I RIGHTTO BE CONCERNED IF MY UBER

DRIVER JUST ASKED, BLANK.

DOUG.

>> ME TO IGNORE THE SOUNDSCOMING FROM THE TRUNK.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

COULD BE ANYTHING.

HARI.

>> ARE YOU ( BLEEP ) MY WIFE?

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

>> ANSWER THE QUESTION, CHRIS!

>> CHRIS: OH, UM, YES!

THE ACTUAL ANSWER WAS:"SO WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS ON

THE TALIBAN?"

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

NEXT ONE: MY UBER DRIVER WHO ISA 72-YEAR-OLD OVERWEIGHT

CAUCASIAN WOMAN WHO PICKED ME UPIN A VAN, LITERALLY JUST ASKED

ME, BLANK. HARI.

>> CAN YOU BELIEVE I'M DRIVINGYOU?

IT'S A NEW WORLD.

>> CHRIS: POINTS. YEP.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

GRACE.

>> IF I WAS D.T.F..

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

>> THE CORRECT ANSWER TO THE72-YAER-OLD CAUCASIAN WOMA WAS,

"DO YOU LISTEN TO TRAP?"

LAST ONE: MY UBERDRIVER ISSWEATY AS ( BLEEP ) AND HIS CAR

SMELLS LIKE BLANK AND BLANK.

GRACE?

>> TAINTS AND GO-GURT.

>> CHRIS: I WANT THAT TO BE THENAME OF MY ALBUM.

POINTS.

THE CORRECT ANSWER WAS: THE CARSMELLS LIKE --

"KOMBUCHA AND FEET."

IT'S TIME FOR OUR NEXT GAME,THUGS NOT HUGS.

THUGS NOT HUGS.

>> SAY HELLO TO THE CAMERA.

>> HELLO, MOTHA ( BLEEP ).

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

>> Chris: THAT'S HOW THAT(BLEEP) WORKS.

UNEXPECTED THUG LIFEON REDDIT IS ONE OF THE BEST

THINGS TO EVER HAVE THE "UG"SOUND IN IT. U.T.L. SHOWS THAT

PEOPLE YOU WOULDN'T EXPECT TOHAVE THUG IN THEM SOMETIMES END

UP HAVING LOTS AND LOTS OF THUG.

MAYBE THEY'RE ALL THUGS.

COMEDIANS, I'M GOING TO SHOW YOUA PICTURE OF A SCENE, AND FOR

250 POINTS, I WANT YOU TO TELLME IF IT'S HUG LIFE, OR IF IT'S

HUG LIFE, MEANING THAT IT'SGONNA GO A LITTLE SOFT, ALRIGHT.

FIST ONE: THIS WEE WAIF. THUGLIFE OR HUG LIFE.

DOUG.

>> THAT KID'S A THUG.

>> CHRIS: I THINK I AGREE WITHYOU, BUT LET'S FIND OUT FOR

SURE.

>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING? HELP!

YOU DON'T WANNA ( BLEEP ) ABITCH?

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

>> OH, NO.

OH!

THAT'S NOT WAY TO SUPPORT THETROOPS.

( LAUGHTER )

>> CHRIS: NEXT ONE:

THIS ENERGETIC URCHIN, THUGLIFE OR HUG LIFE, DOUG.

>> THAT'S GOT TO BE A THUG.

>> CHRIS: LET'S FIND OUT.

>> SAY "HOLY COW."

>> HOLY COW.

>> SAY "HOLY COW."

>> HOLY ( BLEEP ).

( LAUGHTER )

>> THAT'S SO ADORABLE.

>> CHRIS: THESE KID ARE A WINDOWINTO THEIR PARENTS.

THIS ONE, THIS PETHEET PETUNIA,THUG LIFE OR HUG LIFE. HARI.

>> OH, HUG LIFE.

>> CHRIS: YOU THINK SO?

>> OH, GOD, I HOPE SO.

>> CHRIS: I DON'T KNOW.

SHE MIGHT SURPRISE YOU.

LET'S SEE.

>> SAY, "HI VINE."

>> HI, VINE.>> (BLEEP) VINE, BITCH.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

>> WHY ARE BABIES SO ANGRY?

>> CHRIS: BABIES HATE SOCIALMEDIA.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS. THEYDON'T LIKE VINE. ALL RIGHT.

AS WE GO TO OUR NEXT GAME,"OFF-COLOR CRAYONS.

OFF-COLOR CRAYONS.

NOTED WALL-RUINING COMPANYCRAYOLA HAD THEIR FACEBOOK PAGE

HACKED ON MONDAY AND TREATEDTHEIR FOLLOWERS TO A DECIDELY

UN-KID-FRIENDLY POSTS LIKE,REASONS GIRLS DON'T GIVE

BLOWJOBS, WHICH WE CAN'T SHOW ONTHE SHOW, AND I'M BUMMED, TOO,

BECAUSE I WOULD LIKE TO KNOWTHAT.

AND THIS ONE, "TYPES OF BOOBS."

THERE THEY ARE.

CRAYOLA, YOU SO CRAY-CRAY!

CRAYOLA QUICKLY PULLED THE POSTSAND APOLOGIZED.

COMEDIANS, I WANT YOU TO NAMESOME OFF-COLOR CRAYON COLORS

THAT YOU WOULD EXPECT TO FIND INA HACKED BOX OF CRAYONS.

EXAMPLES MIGHT INCLUDE WHITEFLIGHT OR CHRIS BROWN.

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND GO.

HARI.

>> DRAKE.

>> CHRIS: POINTS. GRACE

>> MORNING AFTER A MEAL AT BENNYHANA-BROWN.

>> CHRIS: POINTS. HARI?

>> NAZI GOLD.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

DOUG.

>> OFF-WHITE SUPREMACY.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

WHICH COME IN A DIFFERENT BOXTHAN THE BLACK CRAYONS.

>> SURE.>> CHRIS: DOUG.

>> GANG-GREEN.

>> CHRIS: POINTS. GRACE.

>> MATTHEW MC-KINDA-GRAY.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

GRACE.

>> SHART-TREUSE.

>> CHRIS: POINTS. HA, HA, HA,POINTS.