Comedy Central Presents
Season 14

CC Presents: Owen Benjamin

  • Season 14, Ep 3
  • 01/11/2010

Owen Benjamin takes advantage of life's great pleasures, such as good breasts and drunk peeing.

I USED TO BE A JANITOR.

I GOT FIRED FROM BEINGA JANITOR, WHICH IS HUMILIATING.

YOU KNOW IT SUCKSWHEN SOMEONE'S LIKE,

"YEAH, YOU'RE NOT -- YOU'RE NOTCUT OUT TO CLEAN MY FLOOR."

I'M LIKE, "ALL RIGHT."

'CAUSE I GOT CAUGHT SLEEPING,AND, UH -- BUT IT WAS BAD.

I COULDN'T TALK MY WAY OUT OF ITBECAUSE I BROUGHT A PILLOW.

[ LAUGHTER ]

SO IT WAS COINED"PREMEDITATED SLEEPING,"

SO I COULDN'T TALK MY WAYOUT OF IT.

SO, I GOT A JOB AT HOME DEPOTIN L.A.,

'CAUSE I LIVE IN L.A.

AND HOME DEPOT --IT USED TO BE 24 HOURS.

IT USED TO BEA 24-HOUR HOME DEPOT.

AND THEY STOPPED DOING THAT

BECAUSE I USED TO WORK THE NIGHTSHIFT, AND THEY REALIZED

THAT THE ONLY PEOPLETHAT WOULD COME IN AT 2:00

ARE PEOPLE THAT WERE ON DRUGS

THAT THOUGHTTHEY COULD BUILD THINGS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

PEOPLE WOULD COME INAND BE LIKE,

"I'M MAKING A CASTLEOUT OF LOLLIPOPS!

[ LAUGHS ]HIT ME IN THE FACE!"

I'D BE LIKE -- DOOSH! --AND HE'D JUST DROP.

AND THEN I GOT FIREDFOR PUNCHING SOME--

I DIDN'T REALLY PUNCH HIMIN THE FACE.

BUT THAT IS A TRUE STORY.THEY USED TO --

THEY'D BE LIKE, "I'M MAKINGA CAR OUT OF TOILET SEATS."

[ LAUGHTER ]

I WISH THEY TAUGHT YOUBETTER THINGS IN SCHOOL,

LIKE HOW TO GET OFF THE PHONEAND STUFF LIKE THAT.

LIKE, I WANT TO KNOWHOW TO TELL SOMEONE

THEY HAVE BAD BREATHWITHOUT BEING MEAN.

YOU KNOW, YOU HAVE A FRIEND THATHAS, LIKE, CHRONIC BAD BREATH,

AND YOU JUST CAN'T TELL THEM?

I FIGURED OUT A WAY TO DO IT.YOU'D BE LIKE --

THEY'RE LIKE, "YO,YOU WANT TO WATCH THE YANKS?"

AND YOU'RE LIKE, "YEAH,AND THEN WE'LL BRUSH OUR TEETH!

"YEAH!

"AND THEN RIGHT AFTER,WE'LL JUST BRUSH OUR TEETH.

"WE'LL GO PARTY.WE'LL DO SHOTS OF MOUTHWASH.

WE'RE JUST HANGING OUT.GONNA HAVE A BLAST."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN?"

"YEAH!"

YOU JUST SELL ITWITH ENTHUSIASM.

YEAH.

BUT I TYPICALLY LIKE THEM.

BUT THEY'RE A LOT OF WORK, MAN.

WHO HERE IS IN A RELATIONSHIP?MAKE SOME NOISE.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]A FEW PEOPLE?

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE...

[ LAUGHTER ]

THE BIGGEST THING ABOUTA RELATIONSHIP IN MY OPINION

IS THE ABILITY TO FIGHT,YOU KNOW?

'CAUSE EVERYONE FIGHTS.

DON'T YOU HATE THOSE COUPLESTHAT NEVER FIGHT?

THEY'RE LIKE,"NO, WE NEVER FIGHT."

[ GIGGLES ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

THEY JUST HAVE "PROZAC"WRITTEN ON THEIR FOREHEADS.

YOU'RE LIKE,"WHOA, THAT'S WEIRD."

LIKE, I GREW UP IN LIKE A --

YOU KNOW, AN IRISH-CATHOLIC,CZECH-JEWISH MIX,

LIKE WEIRD, FIGHTY FAMILY,YOU KNOW?

AND IT'S LIKE --

I-I THINK THE ABILITY TO FIGHTWITH YOUR PARTNER IS NECESSARY,

'CAUSE SOME PEOPLE FIGHT BADLY.

BUT IF YOU FIGHT WELL,IT'S COOL, YOU KNOW?

AND I THINK THE BIG FIGHTSARE USUALLY THE DUDE'S FAULT.

AND IT IS, THOUGH.

IT'S USUALLY THE BIG PROBLEMS,LIKE, "WHY ARE WE BANKRUPT?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

"SORRY."

[ UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT THE LITTLE FIGHTS,THE DAILY FIGHTS,

THE FIGHTSTHAT I CONSIDER MEANINGLESS --

UH, SORRY, LADIES, BUT I DO.

I THINK IT'S BECAUSE WOMEN WATCHSO MANY, LIKE, DAYTIME TV

AND "SEX AND THE CITY,""BRIDEZILLA," YOU KNOW?

LIKE ALL THAT STUFF, "NIP/TUCK,"WHATEVER IT IS YOU'RE WATCHING,

THAT THEY START BELIEVINGTHAT LIFE IS VERY DRAMATIC.

LIKE, ENTERTAINMENTTHAT'S GEARED TOWARDS WOMEN

IS VERY DRAMATIC.

EVERY SCENE IS A DRAMA.YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

AND LIFE ISN'T HARD.IT'S VERY EASY.

YOU EAT, YOU SLEEP, YOU DO IT.

AND THAT'S IT.

IT'S LIKE AT ANY GIVEN TIME,

THIS MUSIC IS PLAYINGIN A WOMAN'S HEAD.

READY?

[ DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND THEY'RE NOT ALWAYSLIKE THAT.

WOMEN AREN'T ALWAYS LIKE THAT.

JUST IF YOU CATCH THEMIN THE WRONG MOOD,

THEY'RE LIKE THAT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND THE LITTLEST TALKCAN GO SO SOUTH, YOU KNOW?

SHE'D BE LIKE, "OWEN."

I'D BE LIKE, "YO."

SHE'S LIKE, "ARE YOU HUNGRY?"

I'M LIKE, "NO."

SHE'S LIKE, "WHERE DID YOU EAT?"

[ DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

I'M LIKE, "I ATE AT WENDY'S."

SHE'S LIKE, "WENDY'S?

HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"WHO THE HELL IS WENDY?!

WHO THE HELL?!"

SO THEN I TOOK A PICTUREOF THAT, AND I KEEP IT.

I ENJOY IT.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

WE'RE ALL PARTYING TONIGHTAFTER THE SHOW.

I'M JUST KIDDING.

BOOZE IS GREAT.

THE BEST PART ABOUT DRINKINGISN'T GETTING DRUNK.

IT'S THAT DRUNK PEE.YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT?

IT'S LIKE TWO MINUTES,AND IT'S LIKE A MINI ORGASM.

YOU START STANDINGLIKE THE GUY FROM CREED.

YOU'RE LIKE...

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

THE CREED STANCE.

UM...

I DON'T LIKE PUBLIC RESTROOMS,THOUGH, AS A GUY.

I THINK THEY'RE KIND OF CREEPY.

WOMEN SEEM TO LIKE IT.

I KNOW YOU DON'T,BUT YOU ACT LIKE YOU DO.

LIKE, WHENEVER I'M OUTWITH FEMALE FRIENDS

AND THEY GO TO THE BATHROOM,THEY NEVER GO BY THEMSELVES.

IT'S ALMOST LIKE THEY'REINVITING EACH OTHER TO A PARTY,

ISN'T IT?

IT'S LIKE, "I GOT TO PEE.LET'S GO, LADIES."

AND THEN LIKE A UNICORNPICKS THEM UP,

AND THEY GO TO THEIR PEE PARTYIN THE BATHROOM.

IT SEEMS LIKE A FUN EVENTFOR YOU GUYS, YOU KNOW?

NOT FOR GUYS.IT'S NOT A FUN EVENT.

CAN YOU IMAGINE IF I WAS LIKE,"HEY, BRO, YOU WANT TO GO PEE?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

"JUST GET ON THE UNICORN.

JUST GET ON MY UNICORN."

I THOUGHT ABOUT IT.WHY IS THIS TRUE?

THERE'S ALWAYS AN ANSWER,YOU KNOW?

LIKE, BATHROOMS ARE LAID OUTBETTER FOR WOMEN.

YOU GET A -- YOU GET A STALL.

IT'S SAFE.YOU KNOW, IT'S YOUR HOME.

IT'S YOUR REAL ESTATE.THAT'S YOUR PEE REAL ESTATE.

YOU FEEL SAFE IN THERE.

NO ONE CAN AFFECT YOU IN THERE.

AND WOMEN ARE POSITIVETO EACH OTHER IN THE BATHROOM.

IT'S GOT A GOOD VIBE, YOU KNOW?

IT'S LIKE YOU GIVE EACHOTHER COMPLIMENTS, YOU KNOW?

YOU TOUCH BASE.

YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE,"TINA, YOU LOOK REALLY GOOD."

"SO DO YOU.YOUR BOOBS LOOK GREAT."

"I KNOW.I JUST GOT THEM."

DON'T LOOK AT THEM.DON'T LOOK AT THEM.

[ LAUGHTER ]

GUYS --IT'S NOT AN ENJOYABLE PLACE.

WE GET --ALL RIGHT, WE GET A URINAL.

WE DON'T GET REAL ESTATE.

IT'S A LITTLE, CREEPY URINAL,RIGHT?

LADIES, YOU KNOW WHATIT FEELS LIKE IN THE ELEVATOR

WHEN YOU'RE IN COMPLETE SILENCEWITH A BUNCH OF STRANGERS?

NOW PUT YOUR PENIS IN YOUR HAND.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

WE DON'T GET REAL ESTATE.WE DON'T GET A HOME.

I PRETEND THE TILE'SREALLY INTERESTING.

I'M LIKE, "THAT'S GOOD TILE."

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND WE'RE NOT STANDINGWITH A FRIEND.

WE'RE STANDING NEXT TO A STRANGEMAN WHO MAY HAVE A MUSTACHE,

WHICH MAKES IT MOREUNCOMFORTABLE FOR SOME REASON.

[ LAUGHTER ]

WE DON'T GIVE EACH OTHERCOMPLIMENTS.

CAN YOU IMAGINE THAT?YOU'RE JUST PEEING.

[ LAUGHTER ]

"THAT'S A SWEET PENIS, BRO."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"THOSE ARE GOOD BALLS.ARE THEY REAL?

"NO WAY!

THAT'S A GOOD PENIS/BALL COMBO.THAT'S REALLY WELL-DONE."

[ LAUGHTER ]

GOD, I FEEL LIKE A GIANTAT THIS KEYBOARD.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ INTRO PLAYS ]

I ALWAYS PRETEND I HAVE A FRIENDON THE SIDE OF THE STAGE

THAT'S NOT THERE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I WOULD TOTALLY TAKE REQUESTS,

BUT WE CAN'T --WE CAN'T DO THAT TONIGHT.

MAYBE AFTER THE SHOW,I'LL DO A SING-ALONG.

WANT TO KNOW THE WORST MUSICTO DO COMEDY TO?

THE BEST WAYTO GET OFF A CELLPHONE...

[ SOMBER MUSIC PLAYS ]...WITHOUT HAVING TO LIE...

ASK WHAT TIME IT IS,REPEAT THE TIME REALLY LOUDLY,

AND THEN JUST --AND THEN YOU JUST HANG UP.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I HAVE THIS FEMALE FRIENDWHO WAS TELLING ME --

SHE WAS COMPLAININGABOUT HER BOYFRIEND.

SHE'S LIKE,"HE DOESN'T MAKE ENOUGH MONEY."

I WAS LIKE, "WHAT DOES --WHAT DOES -- WHAT DOES HE MAKE?"

AND SHE WAS LIKE,"HE MAKES LIKE $40,000 A YEAR."

I WAS LIKE, "WHAT DO YOU NEED?"SHE WAS LIKE, "$60,000."

I WAS LIKE, "YOU HAVE ITTHAT MAPPED OUT?" YOU KNOW?

SHE'S LIKE, "I WANT HIM TO BEABLE TO TAKE ME OUT SOMETIMES."

I WAS LIKE -- AND THAT'S PRETTYACCEPTABLE FOR A WOMAN TO SAY.

LIKE, MOST WOMEN WOULD BE LIKE,"YEAH, YOU GO, GIRL.

YOU DESERVE THAT," YOU KNOW?

CAN YOU IMAGINEIF A GUY DID THAT?

I WROTE THIS SONG, CALLED"THE BREAKUP SONG," FOR A GUY --

WHAT A GUY REALLY WANTS TO SAYTO A WOMAN.

IT'S VERY EMOTIONAL.

[ SLOW-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

THAT'S MY IMAGINARY FRIENDNAMED STEVE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

♪ YOU'RE A SEVEN

♪ AND I DESERVE AN EIGHT

♪ YOU'RE A SEVEN

♪ IT'S PRETTY GOOD,BUT IT'S NOT GREAT ♪

♪ I'M NOT ASKINGFOR A 10 TO BE MY MATE ♪

♪ BUT I KNOW IN MY HEARTTHAT I DESERVE THAT EIGHT ♪

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

THANK YOU.

IT'S ONE OFMY PERSONAL FAVORITES.

IT'S REALLY GOOD TO HOOK UP TO.

IT'S GOOD.NO, I'M JUST KIDDING.

I HAD TO DO A CHILDREN'S PARTYRECENTLY FOR A RELATIVE.

THEY'RE LIKE,

YEAH, CAN YOU ENTERTAIN A BUNCHOF, LIKE, 10-YEAR-OLDS?"

AND I WAS LIKE, "WELL,I TALK ABOUT MY FAKE BALLS."

AND, UH...

SO I WROTE A SONG FOR KIDS,WHAT I THINK KIDS RELATE TO.

YOU GUYS WANT TO HEAR IT?

[ CHEERING ]

[ UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS ]

[ LAUGHS ]

♪ DON'T SAY "LOL"

♪ WHEN YOU JUST MEAN"HEE, HEE" ♪

♪ DON'T SAY "LAUGH OUT LOUD"

♪ 'CAUSE I KNOWYOU'RE LYING TO ME ♪

[ LAUGHTER ]

♪ I KNOW WHAT I SAID DIDN'T MAKEYOU REALLY LAUGH OUT LOUD ♪

[ LAUGHS ]

♪ STOP LYING TO ME

♪ DON'T WRITE "OMG"

♪ SAY IT TO "G"

♪ DON'T SAY IT TO ME

♪ "OMG"

♪ YOU'VE BEEN LYING TO ME

THANK YOU.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

BUT I DON'T DO DRUGS.

I DON'T EVEN SMOKE WEED.

I USED TO.I USED TO SMOKE WEED.

THEN SOMETHING REALLY CRAZYHAPPENED TO ME,

AND I JUST NEVER SMOKED AGAIN.

I WAS IN COLLEGE,

AND I WAS, UH...

YOU GUYS LIKE STORIES?YOU WANT TO HEAR A STORY?

YEAH!YEAH!YEAH!YEAH!

I WAS IN COLLEGE,

AND WE'RE SITTING ON MY FRIEND'SPORCH, AND WE'RE HIGH.

AND HIS DOG CAME HOME WITH ADEAD POODLE IN HIS MOUTH, RIGHT?

YEAH.THIS IS JUST THE BEGINNING.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND WE RECOGNIZED THE POODLE.

IT WAS HIS NEIGHBOR'S POODLE,THIS WOMAN NAMED AGNES,

WHO WAS AN OLDER WOMAN,VERY SWEET.

AND, UH, WHEN YOU'RE HIGH,YOU MAKE TERRIBLE DECISIONS.

YOU KNOW, WE'RE LIKE,"IF WE, UH -- BRO."

YOU KNOW, WE'RE LIKE,"IF WE -- IF WE TELL SOMEBODY,

THEY'RE GONNA KILL YOUR DOG."

AND I WAS LIKE, "THEY MIGHT EVENKILL US," YOU KNOW?

SO WE DID WHAT ANY HIGH PERSONWOULD DO.

WE WENT TO THE YARD, ANDWE REATTACHED IT TO ITS LEASH,

AND WE PRETENDED IT DIEDON ITS OWN.

[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]

SO THEN WE GO BACK TO THE PORCH,AND WE THINK WE JUST PULLED OFF,

YOU KNOW, WHAT WAS THE GREATESTTHING TO DO IN THAT SITUATION.

AND WE HEAR THE WOMAN SCREAM.

WHOO!

YOU SHOULDN'T APPLAUDAT THAT POINT.

IT'S SAD.AGNES IS A GOOD WOMAN.

YOU STOP IT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

SO, AGNES RUNS OVER, HOLDINGTHIS DEAD POODLE IN HER HANDS,

AND SHE'S LIKE, "WHAT MONSTERWOULD DO SUCH A THING?"

AND WE'RE LIKE, "IT LOOKS LIKEIT DIED ON ITS OWN," YOU KNOW?

SHE'S LIKE,"IT DIED TWO DAYS AGO!

SOMEONE DUG IT UPAND REATTACHED IT TO ITS LEASH."

I WAS LIKE, "OH, MY GOD!"

AAH!

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

IT'S INTENSE, RIGHT?

[ LAUGHTER ]

LET IT OUT.REALLY THINK IT THROUGH.

THINK ABOUT WHAT WENT THROUGHHER HEAD.

[ LAUGHTER ]

WHEN YOU COME OUT TO NEW YORK,THOUGH, IT'S TOUGH

GETTING USED TO HOW AGGRESSIVEPEOPLE ARE OUT HERE, YOU KNOW?

I ALWAYS FEEL LIKE EVERYONE'SYELLING AT ME.

IT'S LIKE, "TABLE FOR TWO?!"

I'M LIKE,"YEAH, I DID NOTHING WRONG.

I JUST WANT TO EATWITH MY FRIEND."

I WAS HERE A COUPLE WEEKS AGO.THIS IS A TRUE STORY.

I WAS COMING OUT OF A HOTEL.I WAS DOING SHOWS OUT HERE.

AND, UH, THIS OLDER GUYCOMES UP TO ME,

AND HE'S LIKE, "YO!CAN I GET YOUR AUTOGRAPH?"

AND I WAS LIKE --

I'M NOT THAT FAMOUS,SO I WAS REALLY EXCITED.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND I'M LIKE, "YES!"

AND THEN I TRIEDTO PLAY IT COOL.

I WAS LIKE...

HE WAS LIKE,"WHAT NUMBER ARE YA?"

I WAS LIKE, "NUMBER 1."

[ LAUGHTER ]

I ALREADY KNOW SOMETHING'S UP,

BUT I'M COMMITTED TO IT,SO I WRITE "NUMBER 1."

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND I PUT A SMILEY FACE.

I'M LIKE, "I'M NUMBER 1."

AND HE JUST LOOKS AT MELIKE I'M CRAZY,

AND I'M LIKE,"WHO DO YOU THINK I AM?"

HE GOES,"YOU PLAY FOR THE ROYALS."

'CAUSE I GUESS THEY WERE STAYINGAT THE SAME HOTEL AS ME.

AND I WAS LIKE, "NO, I'M NOT.

I'M NOT A MEMBER OF THE ROYALS."

AND HE SAYS --REALLY ANGRILY, HE GOES,

"THEN WHY'D YOU SIGN MY PAPER?!"

I WAS LIKE,"'CAUSE YOU ASKED ME TO."

AND HE JUST LOOKS AT MEAND GOES "[BLEEP] YOU!"

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

THAT'S THE ONLY TIME IN HISTORY

THAT SOMEONE WAS MAD AT SOMEONEFOR NOT PLAYING FOR THE ROYALS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I LIVE IN L.A.I FLEW OUT HERE.

I, UH -- I'M 29.

I, UH -- I-I FORGOT --[ LIGHT APPLAUSE ]

GIVE IT UP FOR 29.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

THAT'S GREAT.IT'S ONE OF MY FAVORITE NUMBERS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

IT'S BEEN SO LONG.I WAS GOING THROUGH THE AIRPORT.

AND I DON'T GET I.D.'d AT BARSANYMORE,

AND I FORGOT WHAT TO DO WITHMY FACE WHEN SOMEONE I.D.'s ME.

IT'S CALLED "I.D. FACE."YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT?

THAT JUDGMENTAL MOMENTWHEN SOMEONE LOOKS AT YOU

TO SEE IF IT'S REALLY YOU.

THEY'RE LIKE,"CAN I SEE SOME I.D.?"

I'M LIKE, "HERE."THEY LOOK.

I'M LIKE...

[ LAUGHTER ]

LIKE, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

THE WOMEN IN NEW YORKARE BEAUTIFUL.

THEY'RE SO -- YOU GUYSARE VERY ATTRACTIVE WOMEN.

L.A., THEY'RE PRETTY.

BUT THERE'S A LOT -- I MEAN,I'M NOT AGAINST FAKE BREASTS,

BUT THERE'S A LOTOF FAKE BREASTS IN L.A.,

AND IT'S A LITTLE CRAZY.

I PREFER THE NATURAL VIBE,YOU KNOW,

THAT NEW YORK SEEMS TO HAVE.

AND, UH -- WHICH I LIKE.IT'S MORE ATTRACTIVE.

BUT THE THING ABOUT FAKE BOOBSTHAT ALWAYS BOTHERED ME

IS, UH, LIKE THEY GETTHESE HUGE FAKE BOOBS,

AND THEN THEY GET MADIF YOU LOOK AT THEM.

[ LAUGHTER ]

IT'S LIKETHESE UNNATURALLY GIANT BOOBS.

YOU LOOK AT THEM.

COULD YOU IMAGINEIF THAT HAPPENED TO A GUY,

IF I GOT GIANT FAKE BALLS?

AND I'M JUST WALKING AROUND.

I'M LIKE, "UP HERE.I'M A HUMAN BEING.

"DON'T LOOK AT MY $20,000 BALLS.

"NO, DON'T LOOKAT THIS WHOLE AREA.

IT'S MINE.THAT'S NOT WHO I AM."

[ LAUGHTER ]

WHAT?

GIANT BALLS.

THAT JUST MADE ME LAUGHFOR SOME REASON.

BIG, FAKE BALLS.

UM...

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