Lady Troopers

  • Season 1, Ep 7
  • 12/12/2013

A two-story beer bong and $1400 worth of Girl Scout cookies get Adam's party bumping. Featuring comedians Ron Babcock, the Lucas Brothers and Sam Simmons.

- OOH.WHAT'S HAPPENIN'?

EXCUSE ME.SORRY.

- HEY, ADAM.

I MADE THIS JUST FOR YOU,

AND SEVEN OTHER PEOPLE.

- WHOA, SOMEONE'S GONNADIE TONIGHT.

VERY COOL.

[doorbell ringing]

AAH!

[girls shrieking]

I'M THE COOKIE MONSTER!

OH, MY GOSH, I'M KIDDING.I'M JUST A HUMAN BEING.

I'M NOT A MONSTER.

BUT YOU'RE IN LUCK, BECAUSEI WILL TAKE ALL OF THESE.

- ALL OF WHAT?

- ALL OF THE COOKIES.DUH, YOU DUMB IDIOT.

HERE YOU GO.

HERE'S, LIKE,IT'S, LIKE, 14 HUNDO,

SO I WILLTAKE THEM.

- THERE'S $300 HERE.

- OH, YEAH?IS THERE $300 THERE?

WHY DON'T YOU COUNT AGAIN?

YOU NEED TO GOBACK TO SCHOOL, GIRL.

HERE WE GO.

COOKIES FOR EVERYONE!

[all screaming]

COOKIE, COOKIE, COOKIE, COOKIE,COOKIE, COOKIE.

[cheers]

OH, ALL RIGHT.

YEAH, I LIKE IT.

BUT I'M AFRAIDTO LET IT GROW TOO LONG,

'CAUSE IF IT GROWSTOO LONG,

IT'S NO LONGER A BEARD,

BUT A HALLMARKOF DEPRESSION.

BUT I'VE FIGURED OUTWHEN TOO LONG IS TOO LONG.

IT'S WHEN THE COMMENTSON YOUR BEARD GO

FROM OVERWHELMINGLY POSITIVETO OVERWHELMINGLY OBSERVATIONAL,

WHEN "HEY, I REALLY LIKEYOUR BEARD"

TURNS INTO"HEY, A BEARD."

AND I'M JEALOUSOF WOMEN,

'CAUSE YOU CAN TOGO A SALON,

GET BANGS,AND CHANGE YOUR LIFE.

BUT ME, ALL I CAN DO IS EITHERBEARD OR NO BEARD.

I CAN'T SHAVE IT DOWNTO A GOATEE,

'CAUSE I DID THAT ONCE,

AND IT MADE ME LOOK LIKEA RAPIST THAT RAPED RAPISTS.

AND I CAN'T SHAVE IT DOWNTO A MUSTACHE,

'CAUSE I DID THAT ONCE,

AND A VERY LARGE WOMAN STOPPEDME ON THE STREET AND SAID,

"UH, YEAH,YOU SHOULD SHAVE THIS,"

AND WALKED AWAY.

YOU GUYS WATCHREALITY TV AT ALL?

[cheers and yeahs]

HERE'S A REALITYTV SHOW IDEA--

A RICH PERSON HAS TO TRAVELALL THE WAY TO AFRICA

TO A SMALL, REMOTE,POOR, POOR VILLAGE,

AND EXPLAINWHAT COINSTAR IS.

[laughter]

DON'T RAISE YOUR HANDIF YOU WOULD WATCH THAT SHOW.

AWESOME.YOU'RE ALL ON BOARD.

WHO WOULDN'TWATCH THAT SHOW,

JUST TO SEE SOME WOMAN APPROACHA BUNCH OF POOR VILLAGERS?

"HI, UM, SO,YOU GUYS KNOW THAT EXTRA MONEY

"THAT YOU HAVE,JUST LYING AROUND THE HOUSE?

"NO?OKAY.

"UM, WELL,WHAT WE DO IS,

"WE KEEP OUR EXTRA MONEYIN A JAR--

"UM--OH, SORRY.

"THAT'S JUST A CONTAINERTHAT USED TO HOLD FOOD.

"AND WE USUALLY PUT ITON TOP OF OUR REFRIGERATOR--

"OH, SORRY, THAT'S JUST, LIKE,A BIG BOX FULL OF FOOD.

"AND WHEN IT'S FULL, WE TAKE ITTO THE SUPERMARKET--

"OH, SORRY, THAT'S, LIKE,A GIANT WAREHOUSE FULL OF FOOD.

"AND WE TAKE IT TO THE COINSTARMACHINE, WHICH COUNTS IT FOR US.

"OH, NO,I KNOW HOW TO COUNT.

"I JUST DON'T WANT TO.

"I'M TOO BUSYWATCHING CUPCAKE WARS.

"IT'S A REALITY TV SHOWABOUT FOOD.

"BUT YOU KNOW,IT'S A PRETTY GOOD DEAL,

"'CAUSE IT ONLYCHARGES ONE PENNY

"FOR EVERY TEN PENNIESIT COUNTS.

"BUT WHO'S COUNTING, HUH?

"NOT ME, 'CAUSE THE MACHINEDOES IT FOR ME.

OH, THIS IS MY DOG, BRYAN,WITH A 'Y.'"

WHITE PEOPLE TALKINGON BRAVO.

[laughter]

- [retching]

- LADY TROOPERSIN THE BUILDING!

GIRL-TO-GUY RATIOIS OFF THE HOOK.

- ADAM, BRO.

WE HAVE GOT TO GET THESELITTLE GIRLS OUT OF HERE, MAN.

IF THEY HAVE ANY BOOZE ORANY DRUGS OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT,

YOU'RE GOING TO JAIL.

- WHAT?I CANNOT GO TO JAIL, DUDE.

[cell phone chimes]

WHAT DO YOU--WHAT DO YOU THINKI SHOULD DO?

- UH-OH.MY MOM'S TEXTING.

- KYLE.KYLE!

EH, I CANNOT GOTO JAIL, DUDES.

I HAVE VERY SMASHABLEBUTT CHEEKS.

I ACCIDENTALLY WENTON A GAY DATE ONCE,

AND HE TOLD ME I HAVEVERY SMASHABLE BUTT CHEEKS.

- YEAH, YOU PROBABLY SHOULDN'TTELL THAT TO PEOPLE.

- YEAH, MAN.

YOU PROBABLY SHOULDN'TTELL THAT TO PEOPLE.

- I COMPLETELY AGREE.

- YOU GUYS ARE, UH--

YOU'RE, UH--YOU'RE FAR TOO KIND.

WAY TOO KIND.

- YEP.

- IT GETS KIND OF WEIRD,BEING A TWIN.

- SOMETIMES.

- ESPECIALLY, LIKE,WHEN YOU DO DRUGS.

- BUT NORMALLY,WE SMOKE WEED.

LIKE, THAT'S OUR GO-TO DRUG.

BUT WE TRIED TO STEP OUR GAME UPTHIS MONTH...

[laughter]

SO WE TRIED 'SHROOMSFOR THE VERY FIRST TIME.

[scattered cheers]

- HERE'S A RULE OF THUMB.

YOU SHOULD NEVER DO 'SHROOMSWITH A DUDE

WHO LOOKS LIKE YOU, MAN.

WEIRD.

- VERY BIZARRE.

- WE DID DRUGS.IT GOT US FIRED.

IT WAS CRAZY.

- IT WAS A TERRIBLE JOB,

'CAUSE THE DUDETHAT WE WORKED WITH

ALWAYS COMPLAINEDABOUT IT.

- HE WOULD SAY THE SAME SHITALL THE TIME,

LIKE, "MAN, THEY WORKIN' USLIKE SLAVES."

- IT'S LIKE,"DUDE, WE'RE SELLING CABLE.

THIS IS NOTHINGLIKE SLAVERY."

BUT IT GOT USTO THINKING, MAN,

YOU EVER WONDER HOW SLAVESCOMPLAINED ABOUT THEIR JOB?

'CAUSE THEY COULDN'T SAYTHEY WERE WORKING LIKE SLAVES,

'CAUSE THAT SHITWOULD BE TOO REPETITIVE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

LIKE, WE IMAGINETHEY WERE CHILLING.

PROBABLY WEREN'T CHILLING.PROBABLY WORKING.

AND ONE SLAVE WAS LIKE, "MAN,MASTER GOT ME WORKIN' LIKE...

"EVERYBODY AROUND ME.

I GUESS I'M JUSTA REGULAR SLAVE."

- "GET BACK IN LINE."- "GET BACK IN LINE."

LIKE, NOT HAVING MONEY, YOU GETMORE FREE TIME TO DO SHIT.

SO NOW WE'REGETTING MORE POLITICAL.

- YEAH, YEAH.

WE FIGUREDIT WAS TIME, YOU KNOW.

WE GOT A BLACK PRESIDENT.WHY NOT BE MORE POLITICAL?

- SO WE WROTE THE NRAA LETTER.

- YEAH.WE WROTE THE [bleep] LETTER.

WE STARTED FROM THE TOP.WE WROTE THIS LETTER.

Y'ALL LET US KNOWIF WE SHOULD SEND THIS OFF.

"DEAR N.R.A.,

"WHAT'S GOOD?

"WE THINK Y'ALL NEED TO LISTENTO SOME MORE BIGGIE,

"'CAUSE IF Y'ALL LISTENEDTO BIGGIE,

Y'ALL WOULDN'T BEINTO GUNS AS MUCH."

- THIS IS MY PARTOF THE LETTER.

"YOU SEE, BIGGIE ONCE SAID,AND I QUOTE,

"'I GOT SEVEN MAC-11S,ABOUT EIGHT .38S.'

"HE WASN'T TOO SUREABOUT THE .38S.

"'NINE .9S, TEN MAC-10S.THE GUNS NEVER END.'

- "END QUOTE.

"NOW THAT'S ABOUT 34 GUNSFOR ONCE PERSON,

AND THAT [bleep]STILL GOT SHOT."

[laughter]

- STILL.IT'S TRUE.

ALL RIGHT,WHICH IS COOL.

I DON'T CARE ABOUT THAT.

IT'S JUST, HE ALSO LIKES SPORTS,SO IT GETS WEIRD.

- YEAH, LIKE, EVERY TIMEWE GO CHILL WITH HIM,

HE TRIES TO CONVINCE USTO WATCH THE WNBA.

- AND HE MAKESWEIRD ARGUMENTS.

HE'S LIKE, "YO, I THINKIF THEY GOT RID OF THE NBA,

MORE PEOPLE WOULD WATCHTHE WNBA."

- IT'S LIKE, "NAH, SON.THAT'S NOT HOW THINGS WORK."

'CAUSE YOU CAN'T GET RIDOF SOMETHING THAT'S SUPER DOPE

AND REPLACE IT WITH SOMETHINGTHAT'S NOT AS DOPE,

YOU KNOWWHAT I MEAN?

LIKE, A COUPLE OF SUMMERS AGO,YOU AIN'T HEAR NOBODY SAY,

"MAN, NOW THATMICHAEL JACKSON'S DEAD,

I CAN FINALLY LISTENTO ALL THIS JERMAINE JACKSON."

- FOR REAL.

[laughter]

- I MEAN, THE ONLY THING THATSUCKS ABOUT NOT HAVING A JOB

IS CHECKINGYOUR BANK ACCOUNT.

THAT'S THE WORST THING.

- OH, YEAH.

'CAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE ANY MONEYIN YOUR BANK ACCOUNT.

WE CHECKED OUR BANK ACCOUNTTHIS MORNING,

AND WE ONLY HAD$3 IN IT.

- OR AT LEASTTHAT'S WHAT WE THOUGHT.

IT WAS $3 WITH A PARENTHESESAROUND IT.

- WHICH MEANS SOMETHINGTOTALLY DIFFERENT.

IT MEANS YOU HAVETO PAY THE BANK $3.

BUT WHEN WE FIRST SAW IT,WE JUST THOUGHT

THE BANK WAS TRYINGTO PROTECT OUR LAST $3.

- AND I LIKE--

WE WERE WATCHING ESPN,

AND THIS QUARTERBACKJUST SIGNED

A $10 MILLION CONTRACTWITH THIS TEAM,

AND THENTHE ANNOUNCER WAS LIKE,

"YOU GONNA SHOW UP NEXT YEARFOR TRAINING CAMP?"

HE'S LIKE, "OF COURSEI'M SHOWING UP.

"I GOT 10 MILLION REASONS

WHY I'M GOINGTO BE AT TRAINING CAMP."

WHICH IS DOPE.- YEAH.

I LIKE HOW HE TIED, LIKE,WHAT HE WAS GOING TO DO

WITH HOW MUCH MONEYHE HAD.

THAT'S [bleep] AWESOME.

THAT'S BALLER, YO.

NOW WE DO THAT SHIT, MAN,YOU KNOW.

WE LIKE, "HEY, LET'S BELIKE ATHLETES."

BUDDY OF OURSASKED US LAST WEEK, LIKE,

"I WANT TO GOTO A TITTY TUESDAY.

UH, $5 TITTIES.Y'ALL WANNA SEE SOME TITTIES?"

AND WE WERE LIKE,"LOOK, MAN.

"WE WOULD LOVETO SEE SOME TITTIES,

"BUT WE GOTABOUT THREE REASONS

WHY WE CAN'T DO THAT."

- NEGATIVE THREE REASONS.- YEAH, MAN.

- IT'S ALL GOINGTO BE ALL RIGHT.

- YOU PROMISE?

- I DO.I PROMISE.

- COME HERE,YOU TINY, LITTLE, GINGER YODA.

SUCH WISDOM, SO SHORT.

MM, MM.

- NOW TELL ME THIS IS NOTTHE BEST DAMN MARGARITA

YOU EVER HAD.

- IT'S AMAZING.

- FANTASTIC.

- HE'S REALLY COOL.HIS CAREER IS TAKING OFF.

AND--

- WIDE.

- I MEAN, I KNOW I SHOULDHAVE THEM GO HOME,

OR ELSE I MIGHTGO TO JAIL.

BUT MY HEART IS SAYINGTHAT THEY SHOULD STAY,

ALL RIGHT?

- [stammering unintelligibly]

- ALL RIGHT.I SHOULD FOLLOW MY HEART.

MM?MM-MM.

CIGARETTE BUTT.WHO DID THIS?

- THANK YOUFOR DOING THAT.

WHO'S THAT GUY?WHO'S THAT GUY?

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,WELCOME TO ME DOING SOME THINGS!

[cheers and applause]

- ♪ THINGS

- THINGS.

I'M SURE YOU'REJUST LOOKING AT ME

LIKE DR. PHIL[bleep] A SUPER MARIO BROTHER

IN A THRIFT STORE.

- ♪ DON'T HAVE SEXIN A THRIFT STORE ♪

- DON'T--DON'T DO THAT.CAN I PLEASE HAVE SOME RULES

CAN I PLEASE HAVESOME RULES MUSIC?

- ♪ RULES MUSIC

[groovy MIDI music]

- ALL RIGHT, THESE ARE THE RULESFOR MY GIG, PEOPLE.

THESE ARE THE RULES.YOU READY?

RULE NUMBER ONE, DO NOT RUNAROUND WITH SCISSORS AT THE GIG.

YOU'RE LIABLETO SNIP A NIPPLE.

SNIPPLE.

[groovy MIDI music]

PLEASE DO NOT MOLEST PEOPLEAT THE GIG.

DO NOT MOLEST PEOPLEAT THE GIG,

UNLESS YOU KNOWTHE PERSON BESIDE YOU,

THEN MOLEST AWAY.

THERE'LL BE NO FAT HIPSTERS.

FAT HIPSTERS ARE BANNEDFROM THE GIG.

THAT'S WHAT HAPPENSAFTER 20 YEARS

OF EATING MACAROONSAND SLOW-ROASTED PORK BELLY.

YOUR SLEEVE TATTOOS STARTTO LOOK LIKE SALVADOR DALI,

YOU [bleep] IDIOTS.

THAT'S RUSSELL.

HE CAN'T FINDHIS BACKPACK ANYWHERE.

QUICK CELEBRITY IMPRESSION,PEOPLE.

QUICK CELEBRITY IMPRESSION.WHO AM I?

"HELLO, MY NAME'SWOOKIEE GOLDBERG,

AND WELCOMETO THE VIEW."

[imitates Wookiee growl]

WHOOPI AND WOOKIEEKIND OF SOUND THE SAME.

WHOOPI FROM BEHIND.

AW, THAT'S PRETTY GOOD.

NEVER GIVE A BLIND MANA CHEESE GRATER

AND TELL HIMIT'S A VIOLENT GRAPHIC NOVEL.

"IT'S BRAILLE."

[screams]

[laughter]

ONLY I CAN PLAY THIS GAMEINSIDE MY OWN MIND.

THE GAME BEGINNING IN MY MINDBEGINS RIGHT NOW.

- QUESTION NUMBER ONE.WHAT ARE BABY WHALES CALLED?

- SARDINES.

[buzzer]

- QUESTION 17.PICK THE ODD ONE OUT.

PHILLIP, JEANINE, PETER,OR MARGARET.

- JEANINE!

- NO, IT'S PHILLIP,'CAUSE HE'S ONLY GOT ONE ARM.

- HOW THE [bleep]WOULD I KNOW THAT?

- QUESTION 45.WHAT IS 14 PLUS 22?

- 36.- NO, THE ANSWER IS "MATH."

- HUH?

[buzzer]

[plastic balls bouncing]

- MEANWHILE,IN ATHENS, GREECE,

NIKOS IS PLAYINGHIS FAVORITE GAME,

"ORGASM OR CAR CRASH?"

- OH, MY GOD!OH, MY GOD!

OH, MY GOD!

- ♪ FIGHT, MAN

♪ WHAT'S IN THE ENVE--

♪ WHAT'S IN THE ENVE--

♪ WHAT'S IN THE ENVELOPE?

- PING-PONG!

[cheers and applause]

- ♪ WHAT'S IN THE ENVELOPE?

[buzzer]

- UH, SO, UH,DO YOU LIKE BREAD?

- YEAH, BREAD'S ALL RIGHT.YEAH.

- DO YOU, UH,FULLY GET INTO IT?

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

- BREAD.

- WHAT THE [bleep]ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

- BREAD.

- I KNOW YOU'RE TALKINGABOUT BREAD.

WHAT'S GOING ONWITH THIS WEIRD MUSIC?

- IT'S, UH,FOR THE BREAD.

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN,IT'S FOR THE BREAD?

- LIKE FOR WHEN YOU'RE PUTTINGON BREAD SHOES.

- PUTTING ON BREAD SHOES?YOU SHOULD'VE JUST SAID IT.

[laughter and applause]

[heavy metal music playing]

- LATER, BROS.

DRIVE SAFE.JUST KIDDING.

- HEY, MAN, WE'RE GONNA BOUNCEOVER TO JEFF ROSS' PLACE.

HE'S GOINGTO LET US MILK HIM.

BUT SERIOUSLY,THANKS FOR EVERYTHING.

- GREAT SET.

WISH I WAS INVITED!

NEXT TIME,OR WHATEVER.

LADY TROOPERS!MOUNT UP!

VERY GOOD.

OH, MY GOODNESS.

THIS PLACELOOKS FANTASTIC.

EVEN CLEANER THANWHEN THE PARTY STARTED.

THAT'S WHY I MADE YOU BADGESMADE OF TRASH.

THERE YOU GO,MY LITTLE TRASH QUEENS.

TRASH QUEEN.

WHAT'S UP WITH YOUR FACES?WHY ARE THEY SO SAD?

- WELL, WE HAD FUN,MR. DEVINE.

- PLEASE, MR. ADAM...

DEVINE.

- WELL, WE HAD FUN,MR. ADAM DEVINE,

BUT WE KIND OF WANTEDTO TRY BEER.

- YOU'RE TEN YEARS OLD.

AND YOU'VE NEVERTRIED BEER?

[rap music]

- ♪ LET'S PARTYWITH A BAD GIRL ♪

♪ PARTY IN THE N.O.WITH A CUTE GIRL ♪

♪ WHERE THEY ATWHERE THEY AT ♪

♪ WHERE THEY AT NOW

♪ I NEED BAD GIRLWHO KNOWS SHE'S CUTE ♪

♪ WHEN I PUT HERON THE TEAM ♪

♪ SHE KNOWHOW TO SHOOT ♪

♪ TAKING SHOTAFTER SHOT ♪

♪ GETTIN'WHITE-GIRL WASTED ♪

♪ BEAT A CHICK DOWNEVEN WHEN SHE FADED ♪

♪ UGH, LOOK ATLOOK AT HER GO ♪

♪ LOOK AT THAT BOOTYALL ON THE FLOOR ♪

♪ HEADLININGBALL LIKE A PRO ♪

♪ GET YOUR MANTAKE HIM HOME ♪

♪ DO IT ALLON THE FLOOR ♪

♪ WARDO,WAIT A MINUTE ♪

♪ THERE GOESMY FAVORITE BAD GIRL ♪

♪ LIKE A DEVIL SINNING

♪ SHE'S HOTAS HELL ON FIRE ♪

♪ MY GIRL'S OLD NEWSAND YOU'RE MY NEW HIRE ♪

Loading...